“I thought we were going for a quiet drink, not a night in Accede and Aurora. Don’t you get sick of being at your own clubs?”
Nate grins at me from the driver’s side of his Mercedes-Benz AMG GT Roadster as we cruise along the coast road towards San Antonio.
“I have some stuff to do, and I thought we could swing by for an hour and then head somewhere else if you didn’t want to stay. Don’t mind, do you?”
“Can we stay in the chill-out part of the club? I’m not up for techno beats and heaving dance floors.”
He gives me another knowing smile and says, “I already called through to Rachel, Aurora’s manager, and asked her to open it up early as a one off. Because it’s a quieter night with no headline acts booked for Accede, it’s not a big deal to have the other side of the club open early.”
I’m momentarily stunned by his thoughtfulness. I mean this is his business, and with Aurora not generally opening until the main nightclub, Accede winds down, this is putting his staff out and adding to their workload.
“Don’t look so surprised,” he chuckles while deftly manoeuvring his supercar around the winding coastal road. “It’s not just for you, we’ve decided to do a trial run and have both clubs open in tandem, so those that are all partied out can relax a little earlier in the evening. It’s not a big deal that I brought the trial forward a week or so. Keeps my staff on their toes,” he adds with a wink.
Still, I know he’s made them do this sooner than planned for me, and this knowledge seals up another small crack in my chest.
“Do you still have live bands in Aurora every night?” I ask, more out of a need to move the conversation forward before I become overwhelmed by my feelings, than out of genuine interest.
“We do,” he answers as the road opens and the resort of San Antonio comes into view. “Rachel said she has a real hidden gem performing tonight. She was quite cagey about it when I asked for details, so I’m more than intrigued to see who it is.”
“Let’s hope they’re good with the boss coming in to watch. I wouldn’t want to be in Rachel’s shoes if the band bombs.”
He smirks but then tries and fails to look offended. “I’m not that much of a hard arse. I don’t scare my staff into submission. They all love working for me. You can ask them if you want.”
“I’ll make sure I do that. Seeing as I’m currently an island native, I have a vested interest.”
“How long are you planning to stay?” He asks, only rethinking his words and rephrasing his query when I don’t offer an immediate reply.
“I mean, the villa is yours for as long as you want it, it’s just that before you came we never discussed how long that would be.”
I turn my head to follow the path of the horizon. With the last of the sun’s rays now gone, dusk has settled over the still, almost silvery waters and I try to find an answer in their calm, seemingly never-ending surface.
“Indefinitely… maybe.”
I allow myself to think about returning home. I picture the kids and me walking back into our house. Laura’s house. A dull ache blooms in my chest, my lungs constricting, my throat tightening. No, I can’t see us going back there anytime soon.
“I wanted to put the house on the market, but Iz and Jake talked me out of it.”
“I wouldn’t be too hasty about-”
“No need to give me the same lecture,” I interrupt brusquely. “I’ve already heard it, and the thing you all seem unable or unwilling to understand is it’s just a house now, Nate. It’s not a home without her. It’s bricks and mortar, knickknacks and dust.”
I close my eyes to the world rushing by outside my window. My head is swimming, and my stomach churns. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was motion sickness, despite always travelling well. But I do know better. It isn’t travel sickness; it’s heart sickness.
“Okay, I can’t say I understand because I’m not you, Josh,” he states quietly after a brief silence. “But maybe you should think about renting it out. With you currently not working, it could be a good income. A nest egg for the kids’ future.”
I smile at that. My brother always the businessman.
“Maybe,” I answer thoughtfully. Then I open my eyes and turn to face him. “Thanks for not lecturing me, Nate. I appreciate it. I know everyone cares. I know that, but…”
“You don’t have to explain. Sometimes too much caring can be as bad as not enough.”
My reply is a smile. He gets it. And he doesn’t judge me for it.
A few minutes later, Nate is pulling into the back garage at Accede. It’s big enough for his car, maybe one more, but it’s something he keeps only for himself.
“Perks of being the boss, hey,” I tease when he presses a fob on his keys, and the electric doors slide into place, locking us inside.
“I own the place, there’s gotta be some perks,” he replies with a grin. “Plus, my baby likes to know she’s safe.”
He’s talking about his car, but I use the opportunity to bring up the subject he’s been avoiding.
“I’m not sure Liv would like to be locked up in a dark garage. Or maybe she would,” I shrug with a tease in my voice. “Who knows what kind of kinks you’ve got that girl caught up in.”
He laughs but it’s brittle, so as we walk towards the locked inner door that will take us into the bowels of the club, I press on.
“Talking of Liv, is she coming over in a few days or is this just a short visit and you’ll be heading back soon?”
He’s in front of me, so I notice the moment his back stiffens at my question, his spine as solid as steel.
“She might fly out in a few days. She’s visiting her parents for a while.”
“Visiting her parents? But they only live a mile or two away from you?”
He remains silent and drags open the door with unnecessary force, before stepping into the brightly lit hallway.
“Yeah, well…” he trails off, either unable to finish the sentence or deciding not to bother.
“Hey.” I still him with a hand to his shoulder before we turn the corner into the main back area of the club that houses the offices. “Something you want to talk about with me? I’m a good listener and it sure would be nice to help you out with a problem instead of thinking about mine.”
He lightly shrugs off my hand but does turn slightly to look at me over his shoulder.
“Let’s have a few drinks first. Maybe I’ll be able to find the words with some liquor loosening my lips.”
“I can get on board with that,” I say with a smile to lighten the mood.
His back remains rigid but he offers me a brief nod before continuing onto his office. Once there, he calls through to Aurora and asks for Rachel to meet with him as soon as she arrives.
“Shall I order in some snacks and a couple of beers?” He asks with his head buried in a pile of paperwork, and I turn away from my perusal of the interactive screens that show every inch of the entire club and take in his form. He’s still on edge and a little distant, and so unlike the Nate I’m used to seeing.
“I’ll take a little wander and bring some back with me if that’s okay? That way you can get through all that-” I motion to the work covering his desk “-while I’m gone.”
“Sounds good,” he mumbles, never once lifting his head from his task.
Without another word, I slip out of his office and lean against the closed door to get my bearings. I’ve only been here once before and that was on opening night. All the Fox clan had flown over for Nate’s grand unveiling, and he certainly blew us all away with what he achieved. It was the night that Jake, my other older brother and now a worldwide acting star, had got completely shitfaced and made a fool of himself in front of Emma – it didn’t put her off, though, as she ended up marrying him. It was also the night that Laura swore we conceived Ivy. At the memory, I close my eyes and allow myself to feel it. I let myself remember drinking and dancing with her, the memory of her hands on my skin, her lips on mine, and her breath as my breath. I allow it to hurt. I let the bittersweet memory burrow into my skin and push its way through my veins and when my breathing steadies and my hands stop shaking I open my eyes and head towards the business side of the club.
When I emerge through the concealed staff doors, the music, the crowd, and the heat all hit me full force. This place is packed to the rafters. All of Ibiza’s young and beautiful are here to party, and party hard. Disorientated momentarily, I scan the undulating crowds of clubbers and I’m so absorbed with the visual that I don’t notice the petite, dark-haired woman striding in my direction until she’s practically on top of me.
“Hi, can I help you at all?” she asks, glancing once at the staff door to my back and then up at my face.
She’s ridiculously pretty, with bobbed brown hair, and big eyes framed in similar glasses to mine, and she’s smiling at me politely but obviously wondering why I’m rooted to the spot and looking so out of place.
Remembering my manners, I offer my hand.
“Hi, I’m Josh. Nate’s brother.”
She shakes my hand with vigour and with a genuine smile replies, “I can see the family resemblance.”
“He’s in his office. I was just going to grab a few beers and some food,” I offer pointing my hand in the direction of the bar.
“How about you grab some drinks from the bar and I’ll call through to the kitchens and have the chef send some food over. Aurora isn’t open for another hour or so, and Accede doesn’t serve food.”
“That would be great, thank you…?”
“Rachel Miles. I’m the manager of Aurora.”
Laura Smiles.
At the mention of Laura’s maiden name, my heart clenches painfully, but this girl is nothing like her, so I swallow down the ache and paint a bright smile on my face.
“Thanks, Rachel. I appreciate the help.”
“No problem at all. I’ll call through on my way to see Nate.”
“Thanks again,” I say awkwardly, unused to conversing with anyone other than family for what feels like a lifetime. We side-step each other, both with polite smiles, and I begin to squeeze my way through the crowd.
Bodies press up against mine, jostling me and blocking my path. It takes me ages to get to the bar, and even longer to get served, and by the time I’ve ordered drinks, got back through the crowds and to Nate, the food Rachel arranged for us has been set up in the conference area of his large, plush office.
“Did you decide to go and party for an hour?” Nate asks as I enter the room with two bottles of beer in each hand.
“No, but I think half the island is in Accede right now and it made getting to the bar a feat in itself.”
He gets up from his desk and walks over to the side of the room before pulling open the door of a fully-stocked fridge and grabbing two beers.
“I, uh, wasn’t paying much attention when you said you were going out into the club.” He tilts the beers towards me and shrugs. “The fridge is always fully stocked with drinks. Sorry, bro.”
“You mean I fought my way through about a thousand people and back again for no good reason?”
He smirks mischievously before replying, “Did you get hit on?”
I feel my cheeks blush.
“No.”
“Damn, bro. I was sure somebody would make a pass at you.”
I feel my eyebrows rise almost to my hairline as I look at him in disbelief. “You thought I wanted to hook up?”
“No,” he states vehemently, shaking his head. “But I thought it couldn’t hurt.”
“I’m not interested,” I supply curtly. “At all,” I add for emphasis while noisily dumping the four bottles I bought on the table next to the food.
The room is silent for a beat and I use the opportunity to take my first long pull from a bottle of beer. The cool liquid quenches my thirst and takes the edge off my nerves.
“Fair enough,” he concedes as he walks over to me and takes a seat at the table, sliding his long legs out in front of him and leaning back in his chair.
I decide to let it go, and take a seat opposite him, grabbing myself a plate and loading it with a burger and some fries from the feast laid out before us.
“Are we planning a party for two or are you expecting more?” I ask, motioning to the food with a tilt of my head.
“I think Rachel wanted to impress you,” he replies with a smirk, before grabbing a slice of ciabatta topped with tomatoes and taking a large bite.
“No,” I state simply. “I think she was trying to impress her boss who’s turned up out of the blue and wants to trial new opening times weeks before she was ready.”
“You could be right,” he says around another mouthful of food. “You’ve already accused me of being a tyrant with my staff once tonight. Maybe I need to give her a pay rise.”
“Maybe you do,” I reply, happy with the change of direction. “Or maybe we should see what band she has booked before you decide.”
“You could always come and work for me while you’re here.” He throws out unexpectedly and I choke around the next swig of my beer.
“You can’t be serious?”
“Why not? You’ve said yourself that you’re not planning on returning to the UK anytime soon. You’re gonna have to think about work eventually.”
“I want to spend time with the kids. I think they deserve my full attention, especially Arty, he…” I trail off, unable to put my thoughts into words. Unable to give a voice to the all-consuming guilt I feel towards my little boy.
“I understand,” he murmurs, his voice a soothing balm on my open wounds. “The offer is always there though or if you need money, anything…”
“Nate,” I cut him off. “We’re all good. You’ve done enough for us. If my savings run out, I’ll sell the house.”
He nods once and then takes a long draw from his beer. His eyes skirt around the room and I wonder if he’s finally going to open up about what’s going on with him and Liv.
“Liv wants children,” he sighs and his confession weighs heavy on his shoulders, his eyes never once meeting mine.
“And you don’t?” I have to ask, not understanding the stress this is causing their relationship.
Nate and Liv have been together for years. I’m surprised he hasn’t put a ring on it, so to speak, because they are smitten and perfect for each other. So I have to be honest when I say that I don’t see why wanting kids would come between them. Nate is amazing with my children.
“It’s not as simple as that, Josh.”
His eyes briefly flick to mine and I see a pain there. It’s raw and shocking to see my big brother so vulnerable. Nate has always been so focused and driven. I’ve never once seen him hurting. Not like this.
“Liv’s already had a miscarriage and it almost destroyed us and killed what we have. I’m not sure I want to risk our relationship for the chance of having children and I’m certainly not willing to risk her health.”
His admission is one I can completely understand. If only Laura had talked to me before she foolishly put her life in danger, with no valid medical reason to do so other than she was pregnant with Arty, maybe I wouldn’t be alone in the world right now. Maybe my kids would still have their mother. Maybe my life would be worth living. Maybe I’d be able to breathe.
“And she wants to keep trying?”
“She wants to go all out and have fertility treatment, the works. She’s not willing to wait for nature to take its course, and she doesn’t care about the risks to her health. She wants a baby so much that it’s blinding her to everything else.”
“So she’s taking a break at her parents?” I hedge a guess as to Liv’s absence.
“No, not a break. She’s left me,” he admits. His posture slumps, his tone thick with loss and defeat.
I shift in my seat not knowing if I should comfort him with my touch, not knowing if it would be welcomed. My social skills are almost non-existent since I lost Laura.
“And you let her?”
That lights a fire within him. His eyes flash fury at mine, his jaw clenching in barely restrained anger and he grits out, “I had to let her. I don’t own her, Josh. She’s free to come and go as she pleases.”
“I didn’t mean that,” I placate. “I was asking if you fought for her, fought for you?”
“Of course I did,” he spits. “Sometimes you can fight all you want, but you need to know when it’s time to let someone go and hope they come back to you.”
“I disagree, Nate. As a man that sits before you having lost his wife and the only love of his life, I com-fucking-pletely disagree. You don’t let go of her. You hold on tighter until she pries your fingers from her skin and tells you that she’s done, forever. And even then, you make sure she’s not saying it in haste. Because we all do things to hurt the ones we love, especially when the pain takes over. It doesn’t mean we don’t regret it afterwards. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to earn your forgiveness.”
“I haven’t given up,” he finally admits when my rant peters out. “I’ll never give up on her, but sometimes not giving up is also offering someone space – the space and freedom to come back to you knowing that you’re waiting for them. Just like we all waited for you, Josh. We didn’t give up on you. We just waited with open arms for you to come back to us.”
“Don’t turn this around on me,” I warn, my words holding less bite than I intended. My annoyance with my family’s interference was fading and almost long-forgotten in the face of all they’ve done for my children and me.
“I’m not, I’m not,” he sighs, running a hand through his hair and down the back of his neck where he stops to squeeze away his tension, tilting his head and closing his eyes.
“I’m just tired right now, Josh.” His eyes blink open slowly and he stares at me. “Don’t tell Mum or Dad, okay?”
I nod, but before I can assure him of my silence, he adds, “Especially not about the miscarriage. Liv doesn’t want anyone to know. She didn’t even tell Emma and you know how close they are.”
“It’s not my story to tell, Nate. Trust me. I’m the last person you ever have to worry about betraying your confidence.”
We both sit in still silence for a long moment, our drinks and food long forgotten until his phone rings in his pocket. Judging by the hope that flashes across his face I can tell he knows who it is just by the ringtone.
“I’ll give you some privacy,” I offer as I walk towards the door. I hear him speak her name like a plea and a prayer as it closes softly behind me.
“Liv…I… are you okay?”
Not knowing what to do with myself, I walk through the back corridors not wanting to venture out into the packed club. At one end of a vast storage space, filled to the brim with boxes upon boxes of alcohol and random pieces of equipment, I spot a doorway and figure from my approximate guesswork, that it should lead into Aurora, the part of the club that’s still closed. It’s the chill-out venue where the clubbers get to wind down and catch the sunrise while listening to live bands. It’s Nate’s masterpiece and this, in addition to Accede housing all the big DJs, is what makes this super club stand out from the rest on this famous, sun-soaked party isle.
Making my way through the rows of boxes, I figure if I set off a pile of internal alarms that Nate will see it’s just me from his office, so I lean on the door, enter the code that’s the same throughout the club – our mother’s birth date – and push it open.
Sure enough, the warm and salty sea air hits me from across Aurora’s open balcony and not hearing any warning bells or buzzers I step out into the quiet club and quietly close the door behind me. Just as it seals shut, I hear the first notes of a guitar and turn my head to face the outdoor stage area.
There, sitting on the edge of the stage with her legs dangling over the side and her guitar resting lightly on her thighs is the girl from the day I arrived at Nate’s. The one who delivered that huge teddy and the one who had a door slammed in her face. By me.
Her eyes are closed, her head tilted slightly to the left as she strums through the chords of a song. Her long strawberry blonde hair is gathered to the side of her lightly tanned neck and falls in soft waves almost to her waist. She’s wearing a pale blue dress with a white lace trim across the bust that is long enough to cover her feet. There are no daisies in her hair today. Instead, a single cream rose sits behind her ear.
My eyes scan the room to see who else is here but it’s just her and me and she is in no way aware of my presence. Her entire focus is on the music she’s making and when her mouth opens and her soft but powerful voice breaks free, something in my chest opens and all the notes and all her words flow straight into me, rendering me captivated. She sounds like a cross between Adele and Pink. It’s a heady combination of powerful, yet smooth, raspy, yet crystal clear and I step forward transfixed. She’s the pied piper and I’m one of the young children caught in her trap. But it’s her words that floor me, her words that drag me closer until my knees threaten to buckle and I collapse into the nearest chair.
Can you see me?
Or am I all alone.
Can you feel me?
Because I am no one.
Was I so hard to love?
Was I so hard to love?
Breathe in breathe out
All of your contradictions.
Breathe in breathe out
This isn’t a work of fiction.
Breathe in
Breathe out.
Can you see me?
Or are your eyes blind.
Can you feel me?
Or are you all in my mind.
You’ll always be loved
You’ll always be loved
By me.
Breathe in breathe out
All of your contradictions.
Breathe in breathe out
This isn’t a work of fiction.
Breathe in
Breathe out.
The last reverb echoes through the speakers, out into the empty space, and floats towards the dark ocean in the distance. And it’s then that she opens her eyes.
Her stare locks with mine and neither one of us takes a breath.
Then she blinks and the spell is broken. Before I can open my mouth to speak, she’s slung the guitar behind her back and hopped gracefully off the edge of the stage, disappearing into a room off to my right.
I watch her the entire way.
The way her shoulders stiffen.
The way the gathered fabric of her skirt skims her hips and swirls around her legs with every step.
The way she never once turns back.
I swear that every word and every note was meant for me. For a brief, few moments, it was just her and me, and she reached out and touched me when I’ve been unable and unwilling to let anyone else get close.
But the truth is she didn’t even know I was there.