Eight days after my near breakdown, I return to the park.
Arthur sits happily in his buggy, his chubby arms and legs waving excitedly at the sights and sounds all around him. Ivy cheerfully skips along at his side, babbling to him about ducks and swings and picking flowers for Nanna. And Isaac walks alongside me. Isn’t that what he’s been doing for almost the last year, walking alongside me? Holding me up, not allowing me to fall?
Iz clears his throat quietly and attracts my attention, my head tilting to look at my brother and watch how his eyes never leave my children. He’s always there, waiting for them to need him.
“You’re leaving aren’t you.” It’s a statement, not a question.
I’ve heard all about Jake’s new film and the offer he made Iz, and there is no way he can afford to turn down this opportunity, especially as he hasn’t worked more than a handful of days since Laura died.
“Not if you need me,” he offers simply. His gaze fixed on Ivy as she bends to offer Arthur a chunk of bread from the bag she carries to feed the ducks.
“You need to go,” I state far too abruptly, the words out before I can temper them.
“It’s just a job, Josh. It’s not more important than you guys,” he replies calmly, letting my brusque tone bounce off him and float away on the warm breeze.
I take a few more steps and then stop, both Isaac and Ivy looking at me in confusion.
“We don’t need you anymore, Iz. It’s time for you to go.”
“Where’s Uncle Iz going?” Ivy asks immediately, and I inwardly curse myself for doing this within her earshot.
“To the park with my Ivy-Leaves and Arty,” he replies smoothly, quickly allaying the concern that covers her pretty face and she accepts his words easily, turning her attention once more to her baby brother.
I shift my gaze from Isaac, the shame at my ungrateful words welling uncomfortably in my chest, and I continue walking. He doesn’t give up though, as is his way, and forces me to listen when he says, “How can I go when you’re stuck, Josh? You might be doing better with the kids this last week, but you’re still only breathing in and out every day because you’re waiting for her to come back.” I feel his eyes on my face when he adds sympathetically, “I know you don’t think she can come back, but you’re in limbo, still waiting for it to happen, still hoping it’s a dream and you’ll wake up. You need to move forward, Josh, for all your sakes. I can help you do that or at least be there for the days when you can’t.”
His words, ones that only a few days ago would have glanced off me and barely made contact, strike me deep. My muscles tighten, my fists clench around the handlebar of Arthur’s buggy, and I’m torn between spinning around and storming home or punching Iz smack in the face if only to silence him.
Instead, I force my feet to continue and my mouth to seal shut. Nothing good will come of me speaking right now.
We approach the park and my eyes land on the first wooden bench just inside the gates. I scan it and the one further down the path for any signs of the man who shared his wisdom and whisky with me. I don’t know why I’m looking for him, he’d likely never remember me, and I have nothing to offer in thanks, but a part of me wants him to see I took heed of his words. I want him to see that I’m here, trying once more to love and live. I’m trying to find the man that I was previously proud of being.
“Let’s go faster, Daddy,” Ivy demands as we walk through the park gates. “I want to feed the ducks first and then show Arfurr how high I can go on the swings. ‘Cos Uncle Iz told me if I go any higher I’ll turn into a butterfly and grow wings.”
I look down in wonder at my resilient little girl. There isn’t a day goes by that she doesn’t ask about her mother and there isn’t a time when she does that it doesn’t shatter my heart.
“Is this better?” I ask her, picking up our pace and going from a relaxed stroll to a power walk. She chuckles with glee and all but runs to keep up.
“Yes, Daddy,” she giggles. “You’re almost as fast as me, but not as fast as Uncle Iz.”
Before she’s finished his name, he’s broken into a sprint, picking her up on his way past and hauling her under his arm like a sack of potatoes. Ivy shrieks and laughs so hard she’s fit to burst, and they rush through the park with Arthur and me coming up slow behind them.
“We won, we won!” she exclaims giddily when I finally catch up to them at the edge of the lake. Ivy’s little hand is already rummaging through her bag and pulling out chunks of bread for everyone.
“Yes, you did, Princess Ivy,” I concede with a smile. The muscles in my face are still relatively unused to working this way, and the grin feels foreign on my lips.
I chance a glance at Isaac. We haven’t spoken a word directly to each other since he offered to stay, and watching him gaze adoringly at my little girl only solidifies my decision that it’s time for him to return to his life before ours swallows him up forever.
Once all the bread is gone - Arthur’s in his mouth, and all ours given to the ravenous ducks - Ivy is quick to direct us to the play area.
“C’mon, Uncle Iz. Push me on the swings again,” she begs enthusiastically.
“Give Uncle Iz a rest for ten minutes, Princess Ivy. If you go and play on the slide for a little while, he’ll come and find you when it’s time for the swings, okay?”
I don’t want to have this conversation with my brother, but I don’t want to hide and put it off either.
When it seems she’s about to protest, Isaac gives her a reassuring wave and nod of agreement, and Ivy looks between us thoughtfully before turning to run towards the slide.
“Take your time,” I call out at the same time Iz shouts, “Not too fast Ivy-Leaves, and remember to only go down on your bottom.”
She waves us off over her shoulder, and we both laugh out a sigh. This small girl has two grown men wrapped around her little finger.
“She’s going to break hearts when she’s older,” Isaac muses more to himself than to me, to which I reply, mostly in jest, “There will be no boyfriends or girlfriends other than the platonic kind until she’s over twenty-five.”
“Good luck with that,” he chuckles, adding, “she’s got Fox blood in her, let’s hope she’s more like her Daddy than her uncles or you’ll be in a whole world of pain, bro.”
I shake my head at his words but don’t fight the smile that wants to creep at the corner of my mouth. It’s the first time since Laura’s death that I’ve just sat and relaxed with anyone.
For months, I’ve locked myself away from those I love. I’ve squandered the first part of my son’s life, and I’m still not bonding with my little boy, but I’m trying. I swear to God I’m trying.
Silence falls over us, and only the small gurgles from Arthur in his buggy pull our attention away from watching Ivy on the slide.
I suck in a deep breath, close my eyes for a few seconds to bolster my nerves and loosen my tongue, then as I watch my little boy chew eagerly on his fist, I finally open up to the man that has been by my side during the darkest period of my life.
“Do you remember watching Aladdin with Liam when we were kids. He always wanted to put on Disney film on Sunday mornings and we all thought we were too old for them, but watched them anyway?”
The question seems random, but if he thinks I’m losing my marbles, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he laughs lightly and replies, “Yeah, we all used to try and mimic Robin Williams as The Genie. I think Jake was the one who pulled it off the best. It figures that he’d become the world’s most wanted actor.”
I smile, allowing myself to be proud of my successful older brother’s achievements. It took Jake years to get his big break, but he never gave up, and now Hollywood begs to have him in their movies.
“Do you remember what your three wishes were?”
Every time we watched the film, we’d discuss at length how dumb Aladdin was and what we’d use our wishes for if we were him.
I turn my head from Ivy and glance at him briefly, his head tips up towards the sky in concentration, a smile for a long-forgotten and happier memory creeping across his face.
“Yeah,” he answers through a grin. “Mine were first to convince Dad to pay for the photography course that was taken by that milfy teacher, Mrs Scott. Secondly, to get Mrs Scott to smile at me and fall head over heels in love, and lastly,” he looks over at me with a slight blush crawling over his cheeks and continues, “For Mrs Scott to take me home with her and introduce me to her super-hot husband, Mr Scott.”
I can’t help it. I snort, and a laugh breaks free.
“How bloody old were you for those to be your wishes?”
He shrugs and looks down at Arthur, before leaning forward to wipe some drool from the baby’s mouth with a bib.
“I don’t know, thirteen maybe. Old enough to know I wanted to experience both Mr and Mrs.”
I shake my head at him, my smile still stretching my lips and he returns it. Only his smile is bigger than mine, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the story he’s shared or the fact that this is the easiest it’s been between us in what feels like forever. If I closed my eyes, I could almost forget…
Liar.
We both feel the moment that the small spark of warmth between us cools, allowing tendrils of frigidity to replace the light-hearted memories.
“I can’t remember what I wished for back then. Can you believe that? The bloke who remembers everything can’t recall a single childhood wish.”
I turn away from Isaac, my gaze returning to Ivy who has found a friend, and I watch as they take turns to push each other on the small roundabout.
I could allow this moment to die without fully ensuring that he understands why it’s time for him to go back to his life and take up the amazing job offer Jake has given him. But it’s time to be a man and face things head on.
“I’d only need one wish now. No need to be gluttonous and beg for three,” I confess, the words slipping from my lips and drifting away into nothingness on the breeze.
“One wish would ensure that I’d get to wake up every day with her soft breaths caressing my neck. I’d feel the warmth of her lips on my cheek and the indulgent touch of her fingers on my skin. That one wish would have her heart beating within mine, and I’d forever be a happy man. I’d be rich and wealthy beyond my wildest dreams knowing that I would never have that feeling with anyone other than her.”
I look down at Arthur still happy in his buggy, and I ache for him. I hurt for the love he will never know and the woman he will never get to love in return.
“But wishes don’t come true, Iz. That’s a childhood fallacy we eagerly cultivate to encourage dreams. Life comes with a bigger price tag than juvenile wishes, and love comes at the ultimate cost. It’s not free. It’s the most expensive of all emotions because you pay its price with your heart and there are no refunds or returns. Once you love someone, you will always love them. There is no on or off button. Just because they leave, they don’t take that love with them. It stays as a reminder of what you’ve lost, and you wake up every day and pay that price.”
He’s silent. There is no response to offer when he knows everything I just said is the truth. My truth. Not his.
“It’s not your price to pay, Iz,” I continue after a while. “It’s mine. So please, do this for me, and for Ivy, and for Arthur. Go make your wishes come true.”
I turn my head to look at him once more, and our eyes lock. His are filled with more emotions than I can identify, but I see the exact moment he makes his decision, and it feels like a weight off my already crushed chest.
“Okay, Josh. You win. I’ll take the job, but you have to promise that if you need me, you’ll tell me, because you’re asking me to walk away from you guys and that’s hard to do.”
I stare at him for a long moment before giving him a single nod.
“Loving Ivy and Arthur isn’t a cost to me. It’s a gift. So please don’t think you owe me anything, Josh. I’ve been here willingly, and I’ll come back willingly. Just don’t shut me out, because I’ve become attached to the little munchkins and I need my fix.” He smiles while bending to remove Arthur from his buggy.
“C’mon, Arty,” he says while setting him on his hip. “Let’s go and play with your big sister.”
I watch my brother walk away with my son in his arms, and my little girl running towards him, her new park friend long forgotten once Uncle Iz comes to play, and I’m grateful for Isaac’s choice.
The fact I’ve kept my full decision and plans for our future from him, niggles at the back of my head, but if he knew that I’ve decided to sell up and move away, he’d never take the job with Jake. And I need this. I need a fresh start where nothing reminds me of her.
Laura Smiles.
Because memories are not sweet right now, they’re just bitter, and for the sake of myself and my kids, we need a clean slate.