When I was younger, being one of five brothers was often tough, especially as I was the quiet ‘nerd’ of the bunch. When they talked sports or girls, I read books. When they stole alcohol and hid in the tree house to drink it, I was the one who bleached the wooden floor to clean off their vomit before our parents found out.

Now though, having four brothers, each one successful in their own right, can come in handy. Especially when planning a sharp exit from a life that is crippling you.

Nate, my eldest brother, is a self-made millionaire. He started off investing in club nights – promoting gigs and DJs around the city’s clubs - in his late teens, and then bought his first nightclub in his early twenties. The second club came quickly, and his success continued to skyrocket. Not content with making his name in the U.K. he began opening super clubs all over the world. The crowning glory of his multi-million-pound empire is on the party island of Ibiza. Nate doesn’t know it yet but his second home, where people go to get away from life and have fun, is going to be the first step for my escape.

I don’t want to party and live life to the max.

I don’t want to drown my sorrow in alcohol or drugs.

I don’t even want to bury my loss in other warm bodies.

I just want to leave here.

I want to pack as little as possible, take my kids and breathe in new air; air that isn’t tainted by the phantom scent of her.

“Thanks for staying with the kids for me, Mum,” I say as bend over to drop a quick kiss on the side of her head.

“Don’t thank me for having my grandchildren, Josh. It’s not a chore, it’s a delight,” she replies from her sprawled position on the sofa. Arthur is asleep across her chest, and Ivy is tucked in against her side watching some superhero film on the television that looks a little too action-packed for a four-year-old, especially when she whisper-shouts, “That’s it, sock it to him.”

My mother raises an eyebrow at me in a challenge and then gives Ivy an indulgent smile. Well, I guess if it’s passed her strict parental rules it can’t hurt for Ivy to watch The Hulk smashing up half downtown New York.

“It’s a PG-rated film. I FaceTimed Isaac to check. Stop worrying so much. I think I have plenty of experience, after all, I did raise five boys.”

“I guess I can’t argue with that,” I concede as I lean further over the back of the sofa to kiss Ivy on the top of her head.

“Goodbye, Daddy,” she waves dismissively, completely absorbed by the TV. My mother gives me a small smile as if to say, ‘Go now, shoo. What are you waiting for?’ and I step away from the sofa and out into the hall. My fingers have just made contact with the door handle when I hear the sweetest voice say, “Yes! Kick his ass!” Followed swiftly by my mother saying, “How about we watch some Peppa Pig? Hmm? I bet Peppa is having so much fun splashing in those muddy puddles.”

I stifle a laugh when Ivy replies, “Peppa is for little kids, and Arfurr is sleeping. I wanna watch Hulk crush this man’s car.”

Yeah, I think Isaac has a lot to answer for in this situation. I’m sure he’s the one who has been letting Ivy watch these comic book movies. Not that I have any right to judge because I’ve been so absent in her life, but my absence stops now, and hopefully Nate is the man that can help me.

Twenty minutes later, I pull up outside Acquiesce, Nate’s highest earning U.K. club and the place he works from when he’s in the country. I don’t envy his lifestyle. Both he and his girlfriend Liv are rarely in one place for long, although it seems to work well for them, and Liv has certainly tamed Nate’s playboy lifestyle. In fact, it’s a surprise he hasn’t put a ring on his girl. If one thing is certain about Nate, it’s that he likes to claim what’s his and make sure everyone knows.

As I approach the concealed security door at the side of the building, it opens before I have time to buzz myself in and out steps Liv. It’s the first time I’ve seen her since the funeral, and if the look of shock on her face is anything to go by, I am the last person she expected to see.

“Hey,” I offer uncertainly, as she stands immobile in the open doorway.

“Josh,” she says in obvious shock before a full smile burns brightly across her face. “It’s so good to see you. It’s been too long, we’ve missed you.”

The door closes noisily behind her as she flings herself into my arms for a tight hug. “Nate is going to be so pleased to see you. He’s called and visited so many times, and we’ve worried about you, Josh.” Her hands press into me, and her head finds the curve of my shoulder as she pours all her concern, worry and genuine empathy into the simple action of holding onto me. I want to absorb her touch and take comfort from it, but I’m unable. The act of being so close to another person is almost unbearable, and she must feel the stiffness in my muscles as she pulls away quicker than she intended, her face falling slightly but not enough to mask the sympathy in her eyes.

“It really is good to see you, Josh. How are Ivy and Arthur? I bet they’ve both gotten so big.”

I smile to hide the cringe that still ripples over my body, both from her touch and from her words. I’ve kept my kids from her and the rest of my family. Arthur didn’t just lose his first months with me; he lost them with his extended family too.

Thank heavens for Iz who wouldn’t let me push him away.

“They’re both doing great,” I offer weakly, not knowing what else to say.

All of us used to be close. We often spent time together as couples. Nate and Liv, Jake and Emma, Liam and Cari, Me and…

“I’m free any day next week. Maybe Nate and I could call over and take them both out for a few hours?” she asks, a hint of nerves only adding a genuine excitement to her eagerness.

I smile at her. It’s awkward and feels more like a grimace, but I soften it with, “I’m sure they’d both love that. Why don’t you come over on Monday or Tuesday?”

She blinks quickly, and I can see her swallow down the knot of emotion that’s building in her throat. Her eyes are wide and overly bright, a sheen of relief and hope shining clearly behind each quick sweep of her lids as she attempts to hold back happy tears.

“Monday,” she replies softly. “I’ll make sure that Nate keeps the whole day free and we’ll be over first thing Monday.”

“Great,” I reply with a small nod, refusing to let any of my well-hidden feelings escape. “Talking of Nate,” I add quickly to steer the conversation away from the dangerous ground it’s approaching. “Is he free? I’ve got a favour to ask him.”

“He’s always got time for you, Josh,” she states honestly, and I stare at the ground to avoid looking into her face. Shame washes over me, quickly turning into the need to run. These people are my family and yet here I stand talking to my brother’s girlfriend as if she’s a stranger. Not even a year has passed, and yet I feel like an interloper. Like someone has placed me inside the body of a man I once knew a long time ago, but they can’t see I’m not him. I’m a body snatcher and a fake. I’m not the Josh from before, and I won’t ever be him again because I was one-half of a whole. Now I’m one-half of nothing.

“Let me open up, and you can go straight in and see him,” she continues when she realises that I have nothing to say in return. “I was just popping out to grab something for lunch. I’ll give you both some space to catch up. Tell Nate I’ll see him at home later,” she says, her tone light as she enters the code to unlock the door and slides a key card through the lock. The door opens with a soft hiss and Liv props her foot against it to ensure it stays open but turns her body to face me.

“Whatever it is that you need, he’ll help you. You know that right?” She looks directly at me, her eyes searching mine.

“I know, that’s why I’m here.” I take a deep breath, exhale slowly and admit, “It’s time for Arty, Ivy and me to move forward and I’m hoping Nate can help us.”

She drops her handbag in the gap between the door and the wall, ensuring it doesn’t seal shut and then moves forward a step to pull me into another hug, one I try my hardest not to flinch away from, wanting more than anything to accept her kindness.

“He will, we both will,” she promises before placing a brief kiss on my cheek and releasing me.

“Thanks, Liv,” I reply, maintaining eye contact and letting her see that I mean it, even though I owe her more than thanks. I owe her and Nate and everyone else an apology, but I’m not capable of that yet.

She sees I have more that I need to say but I’m unable, and in typical Liv style, she lets me off the hook graciously.

“I’ll see you on Monday. We’ll bring breakfast with us.”

She motions for me to take hold of the door as she bends to retrieve her bag, then with one last smile, she turns and leaves. I watch her walk away until she disappears around the corner and out of sight, and with one last deep breath, I step into the darkened hallway of the club, ensuring the door shut behind me, and lock out the late morning sun.

My eyes adjust slowly to the dim lighting. The staff corridors are empty at this time of day with most who work here not arriving until late afternoon. It’s typical of Nate, the workaholic, to be here so early. He still hasn’t eased back on his workload despite his success.

I find him in his office. His head bowed over a pile of invoices and paperwork. He’s so absorbed in his task that I get to watch him for almost a full minute before he realises he’s not alone and lifts his eyes to mine.

Just as with Liv, a look of surprise passes over his face before he swiftly covers it with a welcoming smile.

“Good to see you, bro” is his opening line as he drops his pen, dismissing the work he was immersed in moments ago, and stands. He rounds his desk and encases me in his arms before I have time to form a response.

We’ve always been a close family, but I wouldn’t say we’re the touchy-feely kind. I mean, I’m one of five brothers, the most we share in the form of touch is usually a back pat or a shoulder squeeze, but what Nate is doing to me now is a full on, breath stealing, hug. I sink into it. My legs all but give out, my arms wrap around his broad back, and my hands grip tightly to the cotton of his shirt. Unlike the awkward embrace I shared with Liv a few moments ago, I accept Nate’s. No, that’s wrong, I don’t accept it, I need it. I melt into it. My bones are no longer brittle and about to snap, and my skin no longer too tight for my frame. In his arms, I finally let go of it all. The first sob to pass my lips is muffled and weak, and the following cries quickly gain momentum. I weep in my eldest brother’s arms until we both collapse and slide down onto the floor of his office. He never once lets me go. His embrace never falters; his hold on me never once weakens. He holds me until the final tear falls and the last harsh breath cracks my chest, and then we sit in silence. The only noise the strong, healthy beat of his heart against my ear.

Tiredness washes over me. Releasing everything I locked inside and allowed to fester was draining, but more than that, allowing someone else to see it happen and to comfort me through it, gave me the freedom to feel weary in a way I hadn’t let myself feel since the day I lost her.

“I,” I begin through a dry mouth, my tongue sticking to my lips, forcing me to swallow a couple of times and start again. “We need a new beginning, Nate. I’m dying here, and I’m hurting my kids. I want to go somewhere that holds fewer memories because right now, remembering hurts too much.”

“I can make that happen, where do you want to go?” he asks without pause, and I’m thankful that he didn’t ask me any more than that. He didn’t demand to know why I don’t want to go back to work. He didn’t ask me questions about leaving our home we bought together. He just offered his help freely without judgement or condition.

I lean back and break our embrace, using the cuff of my jersey to wipe at my sore and puffy eyes before reaffixing my glasses.

“Can we take your villa in Ibiza for a few months? Maybe a little longer?”

“You can stay there indefinitely if that’s what you need. When do you want to leave?”

“I didn’t plan on this being so easy,” I admit with a sigh. “I thought you’d be like everyone else and try to talk me out of it.”

He observes me quietly for a moment, and I have to avert my eyes from his gaze because I feel too raw and exposed, my pain a tangible thing between us. Nate and I were never close as kids, and it was only in adulthood that I finally got to know my oldest sibling. I’ve always been proud of him and his achievements but also, like most younger children, I wanted his acceptance. Allowing him to see me weak and broken is the most emotionally honest thing I’ve done in a long time.

“What happened was wrong, Josh,” he begins as he gets to his feet. “Losing Laura like that, going through everything you did and having to care for Ivy and Arthur when all you wanted to do was give up,” he shakes his head lightly as he rounds his desk. “Damn, you’re just about the strongest person I know and if you ask me for anything,” he looks directly into my face to add weight to his words. “I will move heaven and hell to give it to you. You got that?”

I can’t hold his gaze. He’s so fucking wrong about me.

“Don’t put me on a pedestal, Nate. I’ve been a shit father, an even worse son, and being a brother to any of you hasn’t even crossed my mind once. So don’t say stuff to make me feel better. I don’t need admiration. I don’t deserve it. I just need a place to stay.”

My words lack any power, despite me directing them to hurt. It’s my go to defence. If I’m hurting, everyone else can hurt too, even if they’re only trying to help me.

What a pathetic piece of shit I really am.

“Since when have you known me to blow smoke up anyone’s arse, Josh? You don’t get to tell me how I feel,” he states calmly, but the anger in his voice is barely restrained. “What you’ve been forced to endure, the loss you’ve had to come to terms with. Fuck, bro. The fact you’re still standing is enough to prove how strong you are, but wanting to build a better life for you and the kids,” his eyes warm, all anger leeching from his face before he continues. “That makes you a giant in my eyes, and I don’t give a fuck if you feel like a maggot, you can’t see what I do, and to me, you’re a king.”

I slump into the chair on the opposite side of his desk and hold my head in my hands.

“Next week” I confirm after a moment’s silence. “I want to leave next week. As soon as Iz goes to Wales to work on Jake’s new film, I want to pack up and leave.” I lift my head to look directly at him, needing him to promise me something. “Don’t tell Iz, okay? He won’t go if he thinks I’m doing this for the wrong reasons and he needs to return to his life.” I turn my head to look at the photographs framed on Nate’s office wall. My eyes land on one of our entire family. Laura is tucked against my side as we all smile for the camera at Jake and Emma’s wedding. That day feels like a lifetime ago and not a few years.

“I’m grateful for everything he’s done,” I admit quietly, shame evident in my voice at not being able to be grateful enough. “But with him as a crutch, I’ll never learn to live without her. He enables me to coast, and I need to stop letting life aimlessly direct me. I need to find my own direction once more.”

“I agree,” Nate replies quickly. “I won’t say a word to Iz if you promise to tell him yourself before you leave.”

“I will,” I swear. “As soon as he’s on his way to Cardiff, I’ll tell him.”

“Then let me take care of everything. I’ll get the villa set up for your arrival, book your flights and sort out all the details, but one thing I won’t do for you-” he pauses for effect and I know he’s going to try and lighten the mood. “-is tell Mum. That’s all on you.”

I can’t help but groan at the thought of telling my mother we are leaving the country at short notice, and Nate chuckles at the pained sound escaping my mouth.

“Gee, thanks, big brother,” I complain while removing my glasses to rub my free hand down my face. “Take care of the easy stuff why don’t you.”

We both share a smile. The first one between us for almost a year and the first one since she left that doesn’t hurt.

My eyes return to the picture on the wall and I allow myself a split second to remember.

Laura Smiles.