Bleu is lying in the fetal position on the couch. Sobbing. That’s not at all like my tough, badass sister. Physical pain doesn’t make her cry. She grits her teeth and bears the discomfort. Been that way since we were kids. Even when she was eight and had a compound fracture of her arm, she didn’t shed a single tear. She’s never allowed herself to display weakness or vulnerability.
I sit beside her on the couch and rub her shoulder. “What’s going on, Kung Fu?” I gave Bleu that nickname when she started Muay Thai lessons. It’s always brought a smile to her face, but not now.
“I’m having a lot of pain in my lower stomach. It feels like it did when I lost my ovary.” Oh hell.
I still remember Bleu’s misery. It went on for days before she’d finally had enough and agreed to let the doctor remove her cystic ovary. “How long have you been in pain?”
She doesn’t reply—because she knows I’ll give her hell for sitting on this—so I look to Sin for the answer. “It started about the time we went to bed but she’s been in a lot more pain today. It’s gotten much worse the last hour or so.”
I’ve spoken to her twice today and texted multiple times. She didn’t mention a word about being in pain. That’s so Bleu.
“What did her doctor say?” Sin better have called her doctor or I’m going to kick his ass.
“He’s going to meet us at the hospital.”
Bleu moans as she turns onto her other side. “I don’t want them to take my ovary.”
I understand my sister’s desire to hang on to her last ovary a little longer. She isn’t ready to give up on having another egg retrieval in case they want more children after Lourdes and the boys are older. I get it. But that ovary is no good to her if it’s filled with cysts. If that’s the case, there’s no point in her suffering.
“You have eight embryos in cryo.”
“Half of those will be viable for transfer if we’re lucky.”
“Then you have more four more chances at another baby if you lose this ovary. Plus, the frozen eggs you have banked. I know they aren’t as successful but you still have them. It isn’t hopeless.”
“I know.”
“Bonny, we have three beautiful, healthy children. This isn’t the dire situation we were in a year ago. If your ovary needs to come out then I want it out. I can’t stand seeing you in this kind of pain.”
I’m happy to hear Sin tell her he wants the ovary out if it’s causing her pain. She doesn’t need the added stress of feeling like he wants her to keep it so they can continue trying for more babies.
“A ruptured cyst can become serious if left untreated. You can’t sit on this any longer. You need to go now.”
“Which ovary do you still have?” Jamie asks.
“Left.”
“You’re guarding your right side. Show me where you’re hurting.”
Bleu’s hand hovers over the middle of her stomach and moves downward to the lower right. “This whole area but it starts in the center and radiates down here.”
Jamie’s been standing back. Silent. Watching. Observing.
I know where he’s going with these questions and feeling stupid for not considering the same possibility. I think I let my relationship with Bleu blur my nurse’s brain.
He comes to kneel beside my sister. “Will you let me feel of your abdomen?”
“Yeah.” Bleu rolls to her back and brings her bent knees with her.
Jamie touches her forehead first. “You have a fever. Have you kept anything down today?”
Sin answers for her. “She had a little bit of food at the party. And wine.”
“But not much. I started feeling nauseous right after Ellison left.”
Jamie palpates her abdomen and slowly moves to the right lower side. It isn’t until he releases the pressure that she screams. Rebound tenderness.
“I don’t think this is a rupturing ovarian cyst. Your symptoms are classic for an appendicitis.” Which could rupture at any minute based on how long she’s been hurting.
I look at Sin and give him my get-my-sister-to-the-fucking-hospital-now eyes. “She needs to be seen. Now.”
“I have to see my babies before we go.”
I bring Lourdes to her and Sin brings Liam and Harrison since he’s mastered holding two at once. “Quick hug and kiss for Mummy because Mummy has to go.”
Bleu kisses the babies one by one and tells each how much she loves and will miss them. Makes me want to burst out bawling, but I keep it together because I don’t want to put any added stress on my sister.
“Don’t worry about the babies, Kung Fu. I’m a nurse. Jamie’s a doctor. It isn’t possible for you to leave these kiddos in more capable hands. Plus, you know how much they love Auntie Elli.”
“I know. It’s just that we’ve never left them overnight before. They’re going to be so out of sorts when I’m not here for their bedtime feeding.”
Bleu is still breastfeeding so I’m certain bedtime will be a hot mess. But it is what it is, and we’ll do what we gotta do. “They will survive missing one bedtime nursing. Now get your ass up off that couch and go to the hospital.”
Bleu reaches out for Sin’s hands as she strains to get up from the couch. “Help me, baby. I need to get Harrison’s antibiotic and show Ellison how to give it to him.”
“She’s a nurse. She’ll figure it out.” Sin scoops Bleu up and lifts her from the couch as though she weighs no more than one of their children. “We’ve fucked around with this long enough. We’re leaving now.”
Bleu holds Sin around the neck and winces in pain as he carries her to the car. “Call me as soon as you talk to the doctor. You know I’m going to be a wreck until I know what’s going on.”
I run ahead of Sin and Bleu and open the door exiting to the garage. Sterling is already there and waiting. “I’ll give you a call the minute I know what’s going on.”
“There’s breastmilk in the freezer,” Bleu calls out as Sin is putting her in the backseat.
“I know.” She forgets I’m the one who helped her pump ahead and prepare it for the freezer in case anything like this ever happened.
“Kiss my babies at bedtime for me.”
“I will. Now go.”
Jamie puts his arm around me as we watch the car drive away with my sick sister. The dam holding my tears bursts when the wheels leave the drive and pull on to the road.
He squeezes my arm and I put my head on his shoulder. “She’s going to be fine. They’ll do a laparoscopic appendectomy and she’ll be home in no time. Maybe even by bedtime tomorrow night.”
I don’t think Jamie understands what my sister means to me. “She’s the only family I have left. Literally. She’s it for me.”
“Not true. You have these two feisty little boys and then there’s this adorable little princess who’s counting on you to show her how much shite you can cram into one bathroom.”
I giggle—a little—through my sobs. “This is true. I certainly can’t depend on Bleu to show her.”
Jamie takes his arm away and turns me so we’re face to face. “You’re gaining an entire Fellowship family at the end of the month. No matter which way it goes, you’ll always have me. I am your family.”
You’ll always have me. I am your family. I don’t think any man has ever said anything more powerful to me in my entire life.
I want Jamie so badly. I don’t mean sexually. I just want him to put his arms around me and hold on until the end of time.
I love you.
Please don’t let another man take me.
I know we can make this work.
The words play tug of war on the tip of my tongue, threatening to jump from the safety of my mouth at any moment.
Until I remember this morning when the alcohol had worn off.
Jamie’s whisky-drenched I love yous and declarations from last night were nothing more than empty promises. Worthless pledges. Meaningless vows.
I spent the day replaying last night over and over in my head.
I love you, Ellison.
I’ll die before I let another man have you.
I’m going to find a way to make us work.
Don’t give up on me. I just need time to figure things out.
I’ll give up being doctor if it’s the only way for us to be together.
I don’t want to think about the things he said last night and no longer meant this morning. It hurts too much.
He asked me for the month. I’m giving it to him. Hot sex. That’s all this is. No love. No commitment. No regrets.
A wail from the living room interrupts the moment we’re having. I’m glad. I don’t want to think about this anymore. I just wish his words would match his actions, as I’m as confused as hell.
We go into the living room and Jamie stands with his hands on his hips looking over the trio of babies lined up on the folded quilt in the floor. “That’s a lot of bairns.”
“Just like triplets. You sound a little worried.”
“I’ve never been around bairns.”
How’s that possible? “You have younger sisters.”
“I was six when Westlyn was born and eight when Evanna arrived. My father had already taken me from my mother at that point. I was being raised to lead The Fellowship. An alternate in the event Sin or Mitch died. Not encouraged to play with my baby sisters and help change their nappies.”
Jamie visits Sin here at the house on a regular basis so it seems odd he’s looking at the babies like they’re unfamiliar territory. “Do you not play with them while you’re here?”
Jamie shakes his head. “I’ve never even held one of them.”
“Jamie. They’re your best friend’s children. Your cousins. Your family. You should be bonding with them.” I squat and pluck Liam from the floor since he’s typically the happiest of the bunch. “We’re going to remedy that right now. Here. Hold him.”
Jamie smiles and reaches out to take Liam without complaint as though he’s excited to get his hands on him. I expected some kind of excuse as to why he couldn’t or shouldn’t hold him. I got that one wrong.
Jamie sits on the couch and places the baby on his lap, studying everything about him. “Which one is this?”
“Liam.”
“He looks like Sin. Well, I guess I should say they look like Sin since they’re identical.”
“Those two are definitely Sin’s children.” My sister’s sons look like they were dug out of their father’s ass. There was definitely no mix up at the fertility clinic.
I lower myself to the quilt on the floor and lie on my stomach between Harrison and Lourdes. “I know Lourdes isn’t blood relation but I think she looks like Bleu.”
“I’m not sure how it happens but adopted children sometimes look similar to their adopted family.”
I play with the top of Harrison’s hair spiking it upward. “I’m giving the boys faux hawks after their baths tonight.”
I tickle Harry’s little fat neck. “You want Auntie Elli to make you look cool, don’t you, little dude?”
Jamie chuckles as he watches me. “What is it?”
“You’re really good with them.”
This time I tickle Lourdes, making her laugh aloud. “Because I’m the cool aunt. Isn’t that right, little princess?”
“I delivered a baby today.”
“Oh, Jamie. That’s amazing.” I crawl from the pallet to sit Indian style at his feet. “Tell me everything beginning to end.”
“I went in thinking I’d observe since that’s what always happens the first day of rotation. I was the only one sent to labor and delivery. The other doctors in my group were split between gynecology and surgery.”
I make my gag face. “Surgery might not be so bad but gynecology? Ugh! I would rather have toothpicks shoved in my eyeballs than work that floor.”
“I’ve decided you’re a medical adrenalin junky.”
Fair assessment. “Can’t argue with that. I do love me some gore and action.”
“Make that the princess who loves gore, action, cosmetics, and hair products.”
“Well, I need to look good while I’m helping the doctor stitch a knife wound.”
“I’ve seen your natural face. You look beautiful without all that stuff, baby.”
“Yeah, . . . yeah . . . whatever. I want to hear about you delivering this baby, Dr. B.”
“I sat down on a stool between her legs and she screamed that she had pressure and was going to push.” Jamie cups his palm over Liam’s crown. “I put my hand over the top of the baby’s head like this and guided it out slowly so the mum didn’t tear. Next, I suctioned the nose and mouth after the head was out. The obstetrician showed me how to turn the baby and pull down on the shoulder so it would ease out slowly. Then the other one came. And bam. The rest of the baby fell out and he started crying.”
“You delivered a healthy baby boy. Aw.”
“I was so scared, Mac. My hands were shaking like crazy. It was terrifying and amazing at the same time.”
Bringing life into the world has to be more satisfying than stitching lacerations and treating gunshot wounds. “I’m sure you did a fantastic job.”
Jamie is looking at me—saying nothing—while wearing an expression I can’t pinpoint. “What is it?”
“I thought about you afterwards when I was alone.”
“Me?”
“Aye. I thought about what it would be like if you were my wife and I was by your side while you were giving birth to our child.”
“And what did you decide?”
“That I would like that very much.”
Hearing Jamie say that steals my breath away. But I’m done getting lost in pretty words when there’s no substance behind them. Not again. Not after this morning. The wound is too fresh.
I’m not feeding into this again.
“These kiddos don’t love bottles. They’re going to be upset at bedtime when Bleu isn’t here. I think I should get the tub ready for a warm bath so they’ll be relaxed when I try to pass off a bottle in place of their usual boob.”
Jamie’s jaw is set, his brow wrinkled. I think I’ve knocked him for a loop by not falling all over his confession.
“What can I do to help you?”
I’m pretty sure Jamie won’t be any help with bathing them. “Probably best if you keep two entertained while I bathe the other one.”
“I get two while you get one? That doesn’t sound fair.”
“Would you prefer to undress, bathe, dry, re-diaper, and redress them?”
“Fuck, no. I’ll happily be the circus monkey who provides the entertaining.”
That’s what I thought.
Bath time works like an assembly line. I start with Harrison since he always goes to sleep first. When I finish, I pass him off to Jamie and take Liam next. Big sister Lourdes is last since she’s the night owl.
I’m finishing up with Lourdes’s bath when Sin calls. “Jamie. Sin’s calling. I need you to come watch Lourdes in the bath.”
Jamie comes in and looks at Lourdes lying on the net-covered incline in the tub. “What do I do with her?”
“Whatever keeps her happy as long her mouth and nose are above water.”
I go into the living room so I can keep an eye on the boys while I take Sin’s call. “Hey, what’s going on?”
“Jamie was right. It’s an appendicitis. Bad enough they don’t want to wait until the morning so they’re taking it out tonight. They’re prepping her for surgery now.”
“Doing it laparoscopically?”
“Aye.”
“Good. She’ll heal faster and can come home sooner.” I know my sister doesn’t want to be away from the babies a minute longer than necessary.
“Bairns okay?”
“We’re finishing up bath time and gonna try bedtime feedings next.”
“Good luck with that. They love their mummy’s boobs.”
I sort of dread it. I’m really glad I have Jamie here to help. “I don’t expect it to go over well. I thought extra bath time with lavender might relax them a bit more. Maybe help them be more inclined to take a bottle.”
“Thank you, Ellison. You don’t know how helpful it is having you around. Especially with Mum being away seeing to her sick sister.”
“I could never leave Bleu and my babies.” They’re the reason I’m joining The Fellowship.
“You’re sacrificing your entire life to stay with us.”
Liam wails so I pick up one of their rattling toys and shake it above him. “It wouldn’t feel like a sacrifice at all if the bastard I love would stop being a hard-ass and claim me.”
“You and Jamie belong together. I’m going to do everything in my power to make it happen.”
“I appreciate that, Sin, but I really want Jamie to come around because it’s his decision.”
“I understand.”
“Tell Bleu I love her and to not worry about the babies. They’re fine.”
“I will. I probably won’t call back tonight. Trust me. If you’re lucky enough to get all of them down at the same time the last thing you want is for me to call and wake you up.”
“Got it. No news is good news. But call with an update in the morning so I don’t worry.”
“Will do.”
Jamie and I kept the babies both nights Sin and Bleu were at the hospital. Lourdes wasn’t a problem but I can’t say it was a walk in the park with Harrison and Liam. They didn’t make it easy on us. Those boys weren’t happy about giving up their mom’s boobs.
And Jamie wasn’t very happy about giving up mine.
Those munchkins whipped our asses. Neither of us mentioned a word about having sex when we finally got into bed. I’m pretty sure we were both asleep before our heads hit the pillows.
Bleu’s been warning me about the ups and downs of parenthood but Auntie Elli got a nice little taste of it the last two nights. It’s rough.
I wonder how that vision of me giving birth to our child looks to Jamie now. I’d bet it’s a bit different after two nights with only a few hours of sleep.
When Westlyn and Lorna come over to visit Bleu, despite feeling much better, her energy still hasn’t returned so she’s knocked out cold on the sofa only thirty minutes into their visit. “Let’s move this to the patio so we don’t wake her.”
I stop in the kitchen and grab a bottle of wine and three glasses before slipping out the backdoor.
“Where’s Sin?”
“He and Jamie went to Duncan’s for a drink while we have a girls' powwow.” I’m glad. I need some straight-up girl time with my gal pals. I haven’t seen or spoken to them since the party. I’m eager to hear what they have to say about it.
Westlyn isn’t shy about broaching the topic. “Oh my God, Ellison. Sin made that announcement about your claiming and it was like a damn auction and bidding war to see who’d win the prize.”
I cringe when I remember the way those men were shouting their intentions. “I know this claiming thing is The Fellowship way but that was the strangest thing I’ve ever witnessed. It was humiliating to stand there and listen to those men state their intent as though I had no say whatsoever.”
“Trust me. It’s more humiliating to have the man you love refuse to claim you and call you names after your leader gives him first option at you.” Lorna and I have more in common than she knows. But at least Jamie didn’t call me a whore who wasn’t fit to be the mother of his children. Leith is such a bastard for saying that about Lorna. I haven’t forgiven him yet.
Westlyn throws a pillow from the patio sofa at Lorna. “Noah Wallace tried to claim you. At least you’ve had some interest. No one has ever made any kind of move to claim me. Ellison isn’t even one of us yet and at least a dozen brothers were ready to go through endurance for her. They’re literally prepared to be beaten half to death so they can marry her.”
“It’s not your fault no one has expressed interest. Your dad ruined any chance you had with a regular Fellowship man. He made it very clear to the brothers that you were off limits because you were being saved for Sin.”
I don’t care if Westlyn and Sin aren’t blood related. It’s still super weird that Abram wanted them to marry.
“Anything my father said pertaining to me being saved for Sin would have no bearing after he married Bleu. It’s been a year and no one has made a move to claim me. Or anything else.”
Lorna releases a dramatic, exasperated breath. “I don’t know why you’re bitching about not being claimed. You don’t plan on marrying a Fellowship man anyway.”
“You’re right. I don’t know why I’m complaining. I’m definitely not marrying a Fellowship man. But I wouldn’t mind fooling around with one in the meantime.”
Westlyn hinted a while back that she was interested in a guy at uni but I never heard anything else about him. Guess it didn’t pan out.
Lorna lifts her hand. “I had the most cobwebs last time we had this conversation. I still have those same cobwebs plus a new accumulation.”
“And it’s guaranteed that won’t be changing anytime soon since Leith put out word with the brothers that none of them are to touch you.”
“He’s such a bastard.” Lorna can call him every name in the book but she likes that Leith has declared her off limits to the brothers. I can tell every time she tries to hide her smile. Just like now.
“A bastard who loves you enough to come on stage and drag your near-naked ass off a stripper pole. As he should have, by the way.” I know Lorna was retaliating against Leith after he hurt her, but I still can’t believe she went on stage to dance topless. Good thing he got her down from there only minutes into her first performance.
“And now I’m jobless. Again.”
“Not because you have to be. Leith wants you back at Duncan’s.”
“I don’t want to go back. It would feel like I’m giving in. Or forgiving him.” Lorna breathes in deeply and sighs. “But I’m approaching a point where I may not have a choice. My bank account is shrinking fast since nothing’s coming in.”
“You should go back and let him grovel. I bet he’d be very accommodating both in and out of bed.”
“I would love a good shag—and believe me, Leith is a damn good lay—but I’m not ready to go there. I still hear the echoes of what he said about me to Sin.”
“That makes me so sad because we all know Leith was blowing smoke. You two belong together.”
I’ve never understood why Leith called Lorna a whore, and I’ve been too afraid to ask her. Maybe Jamie knows what went down between them.
Lorna shrugs. “I may forgive him one day but it won’t be today.”
“Fair enough.” Westlyn twists in her seat and faces me. “Spotlight moving back to you. Did any of the men who voiced intent at the party interest you?”
I’m not a fan of being beneath this spotlight. “No.”
“Not even one?”
“No.” They both look so hopeful, like they’re waiting for—and wanting—me to elaborate.
Aside from Bleu, Westlyn and Lorna are my best friends. They accepted me into their circle when I wasn’t Fellowship, and I’m certain we’re going to grow even closer once I become one of them. They’ve told me their secrets. I want to tell them mine. “It’s impossible to be interested in any of the brothers who spoke up with intent to claim me when I’m already in love with another.”
Westlyn throws her arms into the air and shrieks. “Finally! She’s admitting it.”
Lorna leans forward, all her attention focused directly on me. “We want to hear you say it.”
“Say what?” They can’t possibly know I’m talking about Jamie. I’ve been so careful all these months to hide my feelings.
“Do it. Admit that you are in love with my brother so we can finally talk about it.”
Well, shit. I guess I wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought. “I am. I’m in love with Jamie.”
Westlyn falls over on the patio sofa and beats the cushion with her hand. “Oh, shite. My mum hates your guts. She is going to be so pissed off when he claims you. Looove. It.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, Westlyn, but Jamie doesn’t plan to claim me.”
“What! Why would that ass-monkey not claim you? He loves you. I know he does. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.”
“He says I’m the sister-in-law of a leader and will need extra protection he can’t provide.”
“What the fuck does that mean? He’s Fellowship, born and raised. The son of Abram-mutha-fucking-Breckenridge. He was taught from the time he could hold a gun that when people come to kill us we kill them first. That’s how we roll.”
“I told him I was confident he could protect me but he says he’s either been in a classroom or at the hospital the last several years instead of the battlefield. He doesn’t feel capable of protecting me, and he’d rather see another brother have me then risk my safety.”
Lorna touches her hand to her chest. “That’s sort of sweet but really tragic and fucked up at the same time.”
“He’s going to let one of the brothers have me. There’s nothing sweet about that.” The thought of another man crawling on top of me is nauseating. I nearly lose my breath when I imagine what it will feel like. “I don’t know if I can go through with the claiming.”
“You’ve come too far to turn back now. Leaving The Fellowship isn’t an option.” Because people don’t leave The Fellowship alive.
“You have to change his mind, Ellison.” Westlyn says it so matter-of-factly. Like it’s so easy. Do they think I’ve not tried?
“I’m not begging any man to have me.” I shrug and shake my head. “I’m just in it for some good sex now.”
“Then use that to change his mind.”
Wish it were that easy but my vagina ain’t magic. “Sex is sex. It isn’t going to convince him to marry me no matter how good it is.”
“Maybe not but a baby would. I know my brother. He’d never let another man raise his child.”
“I’m not pregnant.”
“Not yet but you could be if you tried. Do you use condoms? Does he . . . you know?” She lowers her voice. “Inside you?”
I can’t believe Westlyn is asking me that about her brother. Or suggesting I do such a horrid thing. “No way. I’m not trapping Jamie into marrying me by getting pregnant.”
“Would it really be a trap if you love him and he loves you and you both want to be together?”
I want Jamie to marry me because it’s what he wants. Not because he feels he has no other choice. “I can’t do that to him. It’s dirty and lowdown and shameful.”
“So you prefer to lie on your back with some man you don’t love pumping away between your legs? That’s not dirty and lowdown and shameful?”
“Lorna, tell her she’s wrong to even suggest I do that to Jamie.”
Lorna winces. “I would say it’s a horrendous thing to do under different circumstances but in your situation I don’t think it’s that bad. It would probably make Jamie really happy.”
He admitted he’d thought about and liked the idea of me being his wife and giving birth to his child. Can’t say that didn’t feel good.
“I know my brother. He would be thrilled if you were having his baby.”
“I can’t do that to him. Even if I thought it was a fantastic idea, I’m on the pill. There’s no way I could get pregnant and have a positive test before I’m on the block for claiming.”
Westlyn laughs as she points at me. “You did the math in your head. You’re thinking about it.”
“Only so I could prove it isn’t possible.”
“Okay. I threw the idea out there. What you do with it now is up to you. But I’d like to put in a request for a niece. Girl clothes are so much cuter.”
I can’t.
Can I?
I shouldn’t.
Should I?
Would I look at Jamie down the road and feel guilt or regret forcing him into marriage if we’re together and happy? I’m not sure.
If I got pregnant and forced him into a marriage, I would be looking at him down the road. Not someone else. And I know I would never regret that.