When Jesse finally leaves the hotel, he gives me his phone number and lays a soft kiss on my lips. We linger like that, and then he finally walks out. I let out a big sigh, hugging my arms around my chest and grinning to myself.

I pull out my phone to save his number and see a dozen texts from Rachael.

Instead of answering them all, I just dial her number. It doesn’t even ring once.

“Where the hell have you been?!”

“Away from my phone. Just got your messages.”

“Farrah.”

“Rachael.”

“You’re going to have to spill it. Otherwise I’ll be banging on your hotel room door all night.”

I laugh, shaking my head. “What the heck is wrong with me, Rachael. I just slept with my ex’s brother.”

“Your cheating ex’s brother. You have full permission to sleep with whoever the heck you want to.”

“Yeah.” A pain goes through my chest, like it always does when I think of Elijah.

“You are totally within your right to have a hate-fuck. All the better if it’s his freaking brother. Go you! That’s so freaking hilarious.”

“Maybe to you,” I grin. “To me it just seems like a mistake.”

“Was he that bad?”

“What? No! It didn’t even feel like a hate-fuck. He was… he was good.”

“Uh-oh.”

“Yeah.”

“What are you going to do?”

I sigh. “I don’t know.”

“Are you going to see him again?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want to?”

I don’t answer, and Rachael sighs.

“You like him, don’t you.”

“I don’t know! I am so confused. I literally just broke up with Elijah a week ago, and now I’m sleeping with his brother? And I’m enjoying it?!

“Yeah.”

We’re quiet for a while. I lay down on my couch, looking out the window at the Boston skyline. I can hear Rachael breathing on the other end of the line.

Finally, I sigh. “I can’t see him again. It’s just too complicated.”

“It would be messy.”

“Very messy.”

“At least you had one night of good sex,” she says. I can hear her grin.

“And a day.”

“Atta girl,” Rachael laughs.

“I’m just over here making lemonade out of lemons.”

“Exactly. And it’s in Jesse’s best interests to make sure Elijah doesn’t find out, so you’re probably safe.”

“Yeah. Probably.”

It feels like my heart is breaking all over again. It doesn’t feel like it ever had time to heal. As soon as things were over between Elijah and I, I jumped into bed with his brother. And now… now I think I might actually like him?

It’s all very, very messy.

“You want me to come over?”

I’d almost forgotten I was on the phone with Rachael. I sigh, shaking my head.

“No, I think I’m just going to go to bed.”

“You probably need to let that body of yours recover. Sounds like you went through a pounding.”

“Shut up, Rach,” I laugh. “But yes, yes I did.”

She laughs again. “Brunch tomorrow? I can show you a nice place near your hotel.”

“Sure.”

After I’ve showered and changed into a hotel bathrobe, I slump down on the couch and turn on the TV. ‘The Bachelor is on, and I zone out as I watch a dozen women vying for one man’s attention.

I shake my head.

Not going to be me.

I’m never going to fight other women off just to be able to get a man to notice me. I should have known as soon as I met Elijah. He was always flirting with other women right in front of me, and then denying it.

But Jesse… he gave me his full attention. In the club, I could see all the women around us eyeing him. I could almost feel them sizing me up. He didn’t even seem to notice. He just wanted me.

I sigh, staring at my phone.

I can’t get involved with him. I need to do what I originally set out to do when I moved to Boston: take care of myself. Become my own person. I need to stop chasing men who are unavailable or unattainable. I need to stop trying to fill the void in my heart with anything except love for myself.

So, I take a deep breath. I unlock my phone and find Jesse’s number.

Farrah: Hey Jesse. I had a great time with you last night… and today. I wish things were different and that we’d met a couple years ago. I just can’t get involved with anyone right now. I’m sorry.

When I press send, it feels like my heart is being crushed. I close my eyes, blinking back tears. It only takes a few minutes for his reply to come through.

Jesse: Can’t get involved with ‘anyone’, or can’t get involved with me?

Farrah: Maybe both.

The three little dots appear and then disappear. My heart thumps. Have I made a mistake? I mean, I know I’ve made a mistake somewhere, but I just don’t know if the mistake was sleeping with him, or pushing him away.

Finally, he responds.

Jesse: I understand. No hard feelings.

Why is this so hard? Why does it feel like I’m breaking up with another man so soon after I broke up with my fiancé? It shouldn’t be this hard. I only spent one night with the guy!

My heart is racing. I stand up off the couch and run my fingers through my damp hair. I look at my phone and then toss it onto the coffee table, walking towards the bedroom. I strip off the bathrobe and curl into the covers in bed, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to sleep.

When I get to the brunch place to meet Rachael, I feel exhausted even though I slept for almost ten hours. She looks at me, and then stands up to wrap her arms around me.

“Don’t look so sad, Farrah.”

“Do I look that bad?”

“Kind of,” she laughs. “Come on, get some pancakes or something to cheer you up.”

She distracts me with stories of the weekend—how her night ended with three football players offering to carry her home. Soon, as usually happens with Rachael, I’m laughing.

“And then what did he say?”

“He told me I was the prettiest white girl he’d ever seen.”

“Wow, smooth,” I grin.

“It was pretty smooth after four tequilas,” she laughs. She takes another sip of coffee and tilts her head.

“How about you? Did you break things off with Jesse?”

I nod. “I texted him.”

“Ah.”

“I mean, I just had one hook-up with him. A text seemed appropriate.”

“Definitely. How did he take it?”

“Okay. Hard to tell, I guess. He said ‘no hard feelings’.”

“Except his cock. I’m sure it has very hard feelings,” she says, moving her eyebrows up and down. I laugh.

“It did on Friday night.”

We laugh, and it feels good. I know that tomorrow, I’ll go to work and slip into a new routine. I’ll meet new friends and start building a life here. Time will pass, and things will get easier.

I know all these things, but it doesn’t make it any easier right now.

It feels like I’ve wasted my chance with Jesse by choosing his brother first. It feels like I’ve wasted two years of my life chasing a man who never cared about me in the first place. It feels like I’m never going to meet the right man, and I’m never going to be happy.

“Stop it,” Rachael says, pulling me out of my head.

“Stop what?”

“You’re going into a negative mental spiral. I can tell. I can see it on your face.”

I sigh, chuckling. “Yeah.”

“So stop. Just focus on you. People at work already love you. You’re going to do great. I heard that we’re getting a new client this week, and they want you to be in charge of the file. So you’ll be busy, and successful, and you won’t have time for silly boys.”

Silly boys. Jesse is anything but a silly boy. I frown as the rest of her sentence sinks in.

“What? When did you hear that? Isn’t it a bit early for me to be in charge of anything? I just started last week!”

“This firm has a bit of a ‘sink or swim’ mentality,” she grins. “You’ll be fine. I believe in you.”

If Rachael’s plan was to distract me from my mental freak-out about men by replacing it with a mental freak-out about work, then she was successful.

She winks at me and we pay the bill, and then head out for a walk together. Even though it’s cold out, the sun is shining. It feels good to be with my friend again, after so many years apart.

And when I get back to my hotel room, I realize that it feels good to be on my own.

I don’t need Jesse, or Elijah, or Max, or anyone else. I don’t need a man to provide for me and protect me. Rachael is right. I can make it on my own, and I can handle whatever the firm throws at me.

This is my time. And I’m going to make the most of it.