Chapter 5
Lane
Past or Present
Joshua Tree was impressive at sunset. The retreating sun painted the rocks with fiery light and turned the barren ground a thousand different shades of red and gold. The campsite we picked wasn’t overly busy, but several families were wandering around snapping pictures and posing next to the famous bushy limbed trees that littered the area. It was quiet, aside from the excited chatter of the other campers, but the silence that stretched long and seemingly infinite between Brynn and me felt heavier and far bigger than the national park we were calling home for the night.
I liked to believe that I wasn’t a completely oblivious male. Even as a teenager I paid attention to the people around me. I was good at reading a situation and responding accordingly. I had to be to survive my parents’ prickly, unpredictable relationship. I learned to play whatever part was needed to keep the peace, and I learned to be whatever kind of son my father needed me to be when my mom bailed time and time again.
But looking back it suddenly hit me that it was Sutton who pointed out that Brynn was growing into her coltish legs and filling out in ways that had the rest of the guys at school taking notice. She was almost as tall as I was back then, luckily, I’d had a late growth spurt and now stood eye to eye with my oldest brother who was well over six feet. Her long, red hair was always eye-catching, but at some point, her dark, exotically shaped eyes became her best feature. It took me longer than I wanted to admit that I suddenly noticed that I wasn’t the only boy in school keeping track of Brynn Fox’s comings and goings. Of course, I knew she was more than beautiful, and my teenage libido recognized how hot she was, but my heart, that sad, confused, mistreated thing could only focus on the fact that Brynn needed a friend just as badly as I did. There was no stopping the refrain that sometimes love wasn’t enough to keep the people you needed the most with you.
She was correct when she said that I only ever saw her as a victim. I called her my wounded bird for a reason.
I watched as the bruises got worse the older she got. I seethed with silent rage every time she winced in pain or cowered in fear when someone bigger and stronger than her invaded her space, which was why I started standing between her and anyone I considered a threat. I begged her to talk to someone, to ask for help. I wanted her out of that house of horrors, and I longed for Harmony Fox to get a taste of what she was putting her daughters through.
Brynn told me over and over again that no matter who she talked to or what they did to intervene, the tribal authorities would always return her and more importantly, her sister, back to their mother. Brynn’s mother was half Crow, and her grandfather was deeply involved in the politics and struggles of the reservation where she grew up. She told me over and over again that she wouldn’t leave her sister since she was the only one standing between Opal and all their mother’s twisted machinations. She felt like it was a no-win situation and I felt useless every time I tried to help her.
Back then I thought the way she looked at me might have changed as we got older. I felt her pull away when I started dating and sleeping with pretty much every single girl in our class who wasn’t my stunning best friend. Our hugs no longer felt innocent and harmless. There was something else trapped between us, and I couldn’t figure out a way to get around it or get over it. There was no way in hell that I was ever going to treat Brynn like I treated other girls. I needed her too much to risk our relationship. For me sex was fleeting, a way to pass the time and feel good while my home life remained shaky and unsteady underneath me. My dad tried to give us a little bit of everything, but he could never make up for the fact that our mother never missed an opportunity to let us know how each and every Warner ruined her life. The ranch was failing, as many were when the economy crashed, and my older brother was getting ready to leave for college. Brynn was my constant when things were at their worst, so even though I wanted to kiss her and to touch her like I did all the other girls that passed through my adolescence, I refrained. I didn’t want to break her heart and give her a reason to leave me; now I knew I’d driven her away instead. I’d forced her to go.
Swearing under my breath, I pounded the final stake into the ground to hold the tent I’d just pitched in place with more force than was necessary. Sutton had hooked me up with all his extra gear, so I’d managed to avoid another loathsome shopping trip on our way to the desert. I grunted as the action pulled at my still healing wound and lifted a hand to touch the tender spot under my shirt. I had another scar that sliced across my abs from where I’d needed emergency surgery on my intestines. The bullet I’d taken protecting my niece shattered a rib, and somehow a tiny, sharp piece of that broken bone managed to nick part of my intestines. The infection and repeated surgeries that followed did more to put my life on the line than the bullet did. I was lucky to be here, regardless of the tension between us that felt like it was going to crush us both. And it was fortunate that Brynn was here as well, instead of enjoying her engagement to a cowboy who wasn’t me.
I stood up with a groan while twisting and turning to try and work out some of the twinges that pulsed underneath my skin.
“Are you all right?” Brynn’s quiet question pulled me from my bumpy trek down memory lane.
She was standing by the lowered tailgate of the truck fishing around in the coolers for provisions for dinner. Camping was second nature to both of us. Brynn was also no stranger to roughing it, so we divided up tasks without speaking because each knew the other’s strengths. She could make a gourmet meal with nothing more than a propane camp stove and a few scraps, and I was as comfortable under the stars as I was in a five-star hotel. I didn’t want to think about the fact that we only had one tent and it would be the first time we’d spent the night together since we were teenagers. A familiar current buzzed and popped between us but now it seemed charged with something new and undefined…and that made it feel dangerous and a bit overwhelming.
“Just moved wrong. It’s nothing.” I pressed on the sore spot and flinched involuntarily as a stinging, sharp pain stabbed all the way down my side.
She made a sound that indicated that she clearly didn’t believe me. I heard her approach, but it still made me jump when I felt her hand land on my back between my shoulder blades. It’d been a long, long time since Brynn put her hands on me voluntarily. I felt the impression of her slender fingers like a brand through the cotton of my shirt.
“You look pale, and you have those white lines around your mouth that you only get when you’re in a lot of pain. Remember when Gentry first bucked you off and you dislocated your elbow?” I could hear the soft censure in her tone that reminded me she knew I far too often pushed myself so hard that I broke.
Of course, I remembered that. Gentry was the first horse that my old man bought just for me. He was mine to break in and to train. I wanted to make my dad proud; I wanted to show him that I was as good as my brothers, that I belonged on the ranch with him no matter what my mother said. I was overzealous in my desire to prove myself and didn’t take the time and care that was needed to get Gentry used to me. I didn’t give myself enough time to earn his trust. I rushed it, and the horse had let me know in no uncertain terms he was having none of it. When I got tossed, I landed wrong and not only dislocated my elbow but also tore a bunch of tendons in my knee. It took both me and the horse months and months to have any confidence in one another again. The worst part was I felt like I let Boyd Warner down. He believed in me, gave me a huge responsibility, and I let my ego and need to prove myself get in the way of being the son he believed me to be, the son I so desperately tried to be.
“It’s my ribs. They take forever to heal. Sometimes I move wrong, and it hurts like a bitch. I should wrap them up for the next few days since we’re sleeping on the ground tonight and logging some major hours in the cab of the truck.” I’d learned that trick when I left the ranch and headed to Sacramento. Stabilizing the spot seemed to help with the shooting pain that randomly caught me off guard.
Brynn shifted behind me, and her hand fell away. I felt the loss of her touch all over my body. It was like someone had dumped a cold bucket of water over my head. A shiver worked down my spine, and I ordered my wayward emotions to behave. I was getting ready to ask her what she was making for dinner when she waved her hand toward the back of the truck. “There’s a First-Aid kit in there somewhere. Come sit on the tailgate, and I’ll wrap your ribs up for you.”
I was no stranger to this woman patching me up and putting me back together. We both did our fair share of playing nursemaid, but something about letting her tend to my aches and pains now seemed significant and more important than her slapping a Band-Aid on my scraped knee.
Blowing out a breath, I snatched my hat off my head and raked my hands through my hair. I was annoyed to see that there was a slight quiver in my fingers as I started to work on the buttons of my faded plaid shirt. I’d tossed on one of the new ones I picked up on the road over my plain, black t-shirt when the sun went down. And maybe subconsciously I was looking to put as many layers of clothing between me and Brynn’s pretty, golden skin as possible. I burned where her fingers had touched. I was going to go up in flames if I ever got her naked body next to mine. I was supposed to be on my best behavior, I promised her. So, I was going to behave, even if it killed me.
Thinking too slowly to come up with an excuse for not needing her help with the problematic injury, I tucked my shirt into my back pocket and worked the cotton of my t-shirt over my head. I propped a hip on the edge of the tailgate and watched as Brynn rooted around in the chrome toolbox that was attached to the bed of the pickup. She held up a small white box with a red cross on the front victoriously, but the smile on her flawless face faltered when she turned and noticed that I was half naked.
Her midnight-colored eyes raked over me. They were soft and so dark it felt like velvet dragging across my skin as she checked me out from head to toe. A gasp whispered out between her parted lips when she caught sight of the jagged and still-raised scars that adorned my skin.
She moved across the bed of the truck and lowered herself so that she was sitting on the tailgate next to me with her long legs dangling. Her face was tight with an expression I didn’t recognize, and her mouth flattened into a tight line. She put the medical kit on her lap and dug around until she found an Ace Bandage.
“Come closer to me and let me wrap you up.” She crooked a finger at me and spread her legs, making room for me between her slender thighs.
It was a place I dreamed of being when I let myself wonder what could be before I remembered how awful it would be if she left me.
Our eyes met briefly before hers shifted and landed on the scar that started below my shoulder blade and circled to my front, ending right near my nipple. I stepped into the space she created for me and heard Brynn suck in a breath. The proximity had my blood heating and things behind the zipper of my jeans twitching and throbbing in a way that wasn’t very comfortable. I was the one fighting back a strangled moan when her fingertips landed on the lifted ridge of the scar on my stomach. It was a four-inch line that darted from the base of my belly button and disappeared into the top of my jeans. Her gentle caress left a trail of fire across my skin as she examined all the things about me that had changed from the last time she saw me without my shirt on. The tightly packed muscle and corrugated abs were the same, as was the light dusting of dark hair that spanned my chest and faded to the thin line where it turned into a happy trail. It was the marks of violence and the visual reminder that even a Warner couldn’t win every fight that changed how we all looked on the outside just a little.
“You almost died, Lane. I don’t think anything has ever hurt as much as knowing you were barely clinging to life and there was nothing I could do about it.” When she looked up at me, I could see every second of pain and every ounce of agony she’d been through when I was too out of it to assure her I would pull through. “All I ever wanted was to be able to take care of you the way you always took care of me.”
I lifted a hand and pushed at a strand of her hair that stuck to her cheek. The red looked even more like fire and flames in the setting desert sun than it normally did. I wound the silky strand around my finger, forcing her to lean closer to me the tighter the loops got.
“I didn’t die though. I’m right here.” I lifted my eyebrows up as her hands landed on my shoulders. She was so close I could see the lighter brown in the center of her pitch-black irises, and I could count each of her rapid breaths. When her tongue darted out to slick across her bottom lip, I could practically taste her. I knew she would be just as sweet as all the things she spent hours baking in the kitchen back home. I brought my free hand up and rubbed the pad of my thumb across the lush curve of her lower lip, catching the moisture left behind. I licked her flavor off my finger and watched as her dark eyes blew out with awareness and something deeper. “I’m here. I’m standing right in front of you, not walking backward through the past. I can’t change the things we did back then or the way we hurt each other. All I can do is tell you that I never want to be where we have been for the last decade again.”
She tried to lean back but I had her head trapped between my hands, and there was nowhere for her to go unless she shoved me away. I dropped my forehead so that it was touching hers and told her with every ounce of sincerity I had in my body, “What I can do, what we can do, is start over. When we were kids, we were caught up in choices that everyone around us was making for us and reacting. We can make our own choices now, Brynn. What do you choose?”
Her gaze dropped and her hands ghosted over my skin until they stopped to rest at my waist. My very interested dick twitched, and heat swirled low in my gut.
“I always chose you, Lane. Always.” Her nails dug into my sides, and her eyes were glittering like the night sky when she lifted her head to glare at me. “You were the one who wanted anyone and everyone else but me.”
I let her hair unwind from my finger and brushed my knuckle along the narrow blade of her cheek. My voice was raspy and uneven when I told her, “I wanted them for a couple of minutes or a few hours, so I wasn’t lonely. You, I wanted to keep. From the very beginning, since before I was old enough to know what it meant, I wanted it to be you and me, Brynn.” I huffed out a frustrated breath and rubbed the tips of our noses together. “We fell apart without a kiss. Maybe we can put ourselves back together with one.”
She opened her mouth to argue or maybe to tell me to go to hell, but I didn’t give her the chance to say anything. I swooped in and closed my mouth over hers, stealing away any protest she might have had. I moved in close, pressing my bare chest against the softness of hers. I held her head in an unbreakable hold, tilting her face up for my voracious assault on her pliant mouth. Her thighs tensed and shook where they rested on the outside of my legs and her spine arched as our hips aligned and every hard, aching part of my body, hit the welcoming heat of hers.
There was no way it could feel like a first kiss. Not with our history and all the things we’d been through together. It was impossible for it to be a kiss that was teasing and exploratory. We knew each other too well for that. I wasn’t tender. I wasn’t considerate. I wasn’t gentlemanly or polite. I didn’t kiss her the way that the younger me assumed she wanted. No, I devoured her the way the adult me had been dreaming of doing since he realized he was never going to care about anyone the way he cared about this woman.
My lips slid across hers, wet and slippery. My tongue flicked against hers, eliciting a startled gasp that let me go deeper and taste even more of her unique flavor. She was as sweet as I imagined, but to my surprise, there was a bit of spice mixed in there as well. She tasted as complex and as alluring as she looked. She was a combination of so many things, and I couldn’t get enough of all of them.
Her teeth dragged along my lower lip, and I swallowed a whimper as her legs tightened against the outside of mine. My hips kicked forward involuntarily, and I bit down on the tip of her tongue and sucked hard when my cock pressed against the notch at the top of her spread legs. I’d been looking for a place where I seamlessly fit for what felt like forever. Of course, that place would end up being locked between Brynn’s legs. We slid against one another, bodies writhing and unconsciously arching into one another. Every sweaty, sensitive place slotted together almost as if we were made to be joined together from the moist heat at her center to the scalding press of her lips against mine. I dropped a hand to the delectable curve of her ass and tugged her closer to the rigid length of my straining cock. When she responded by wrapping a leg around my hip and pulling me deeper into the bend of her body, it was my turn to gasp.
She took advantage of my sudden surprise and twisted her tongue around mine. She wasn’t shy when it came to kissing me back since I wasn’t giving her a choice in the matter. She kissed me like this was her only chance, and she had to make it count. She kissed me like she was making up for lost time. She kissed me like she wanted me to regret all the years we’d missed having this between us, and I did regret it, every last moment of what we could have been.
It was such a waste.
Neither one of us had much good to fall back on when we were growing up. This was better than good, it was beautiful and bright, and all ours.
I squeezed the rounded swell of her ass and grunted as her nails dragged up my sides. She wasn’t handling me as if I would break and I continued to kiss her like I had something to prove. We couldn’t get enough of one another, and for that brilliant, blazing moment neither one of us remembered where we were. It was only her and me and this thing that had been between us from the start. Finally letting it loose, and setting it free consumed both of us. I felt like there was no way to get close enough to her, it was impossible to touch all of her at once and to find all the secret places where her different flavors lived. But I was doing everything possible to try.
My palm was sliding across the smooth skin of her stomach, and her fingers were dragging into the short hair at the back of my head when reality rudely interrupted us in the form of a disembodied voice shouting for help and demanding to be released.
I pulled back with a start and blinked at Brynn. I was foggy like I’d been woken up from a dream and wasn’t ready to get out of bed just yet. Her face was bright pink, flushed prettily along her cheeks and neck. She wore the same bewildered expression that I was sure I had. I knew without a doubt that I would have had her jeans open and my hands all over her most private of places if we hadn’t been interrupted.
That shrill voice reached out through the desert again and caused Brynn to stiffen against me. She cleared her throat and lifted her eyes to mine. “Let me wrap your side up and then we should go see if whoever is screaming is injured or needs help.”
I nodded out of reflex and stepped back so I could lift my arms up as high as they would go. When her hands touched me this time, they were efficient and moved quickly as if she didn’t want any more contact with my bare skin than was necessary.
That kiss had been a long time coming. There was no way to know if it had been enough to reset our hearts back to the beginning, back before all the damage we had inflicted all that damage on each other’s most defenseless parts.