Chapter 7: Fay

“So, are you ready to talk about it yet?” Courtney asked.

“To talk about what?” I asked. “I never said there was anything I didn’t want to talk about.”

“Sure, I know, but I think I know you well enough to know when you aren’t ready to have a conversation about something. Which you weren’t earlier. Which is why I’m wondering if you’re feeling up to it now.”

I stopped my sweeping, sweeping both me and Courtney were both technically supposed to do in order to get the diner cleaned up. In reality, I did it all by my lonesome. Courtney sat up on the countertop, her favorite place to be, with one of the diner’s beers popped open.

This was pretty much her nightly ritual, and one I almost always pretended to disapprove of. On this particular night, I just wasn’t feeling up to it. Honestly, this had felt like one of the longest days of my life. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d been so relieved to flip the open sign to closed.

I didn’t think there was anything that could have made me feel any more pitiful and low, but part of me had spent the whole day after my strange meeting with Neil expecting to see him again. Every time I’d heard a car engine, my eyes had flown to the big plate glass windows lining the front of the diner. I was sure that it would be his old beat up red truck once again.

There had been exactly five sets of customers that afternoon, and every time the bell rang, I was sure it would be Neil. My stomach would drop at the same time as my heart leaped up into my throat. My mind raced with all of the things I would say when I saw that it was him. Except that it had never been him, not any of the times when the bell had rung.

Of course, it hadn’t been him, I would admonish myself after each disappointment. Why the hell would he come back in here after the first time? It wasn’t like he had looked happy to see me. The more I’d thought about it after he’d gone, the more sure I had become of what his true reaction had actually been. Mortification.

He’d taken one look at me and been absolutely mortified. He hadn’t been able to get away from me fast enough. Courtney was right, although I didn’t want her to be. I hadn’t been ready to talk about anything, and I wasn’t sure that I would ever be ready, either. That face to face with Neil had made me feel like complete shit. I was pretty sure it was something that would take a little while to recover from.

“Um, Fay? You still alive there?”

“What? Sorry, yes. I was just thinking.”

“Clearly. The question of the hour is whether or not you want to talk about it. Because I know I would.”

“It was just so weird!” I practically shouted, answering her before I was even sure that talking about Neil was something I was up for. “I mean it was weird, right? Or was that just me?”

“Oh no, not just you. It was like being in an episode of the Twilight Zone. My question is, though, whether or not you thought something like that was going to happen?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, his dad died and all. Did you think he might be coming back because of that? Not forever or anything like that. That would be idiotic. But for a little while?”

“I don’t know,” I answered quickly, lying through my teeth and hoping against hope that Courtney couldn’t tell. “All I know is that it totally threw me off.”

“I bet,” she answered sympathetically. She finished her beer and opened another one, as if she were at home and not at the place where she supposedly worked. “I mean, you guys were like, totally in love, right?”

“I don’t know. I thought so. But that was before he bailed. So what do I know?”

“Asshole. I mean really, what kind of a prick does that?”

“I think a lot of people, actually,” I said.

“He’s still a prick, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care how hot he is.”

“He is pretty sexy, right? I mean, it isn’t just me being nostalgic?”

Courtney shook her head. “No, he’s definitely hot. But still. Prick.”

“Do you know that I used to stare at his house out of my bedroom window?”

“Um, you might not want to tell people that, babe,” Courtney said with a laugh and a little wink. “It makes you sound a little bit like a creepy stalker type.”

“No, that’s not what I mean. It was nothing like that. I mean, even before I was old enough to think about Neil at all. I would stare up at his house, stare up at all of those lights, and I would try to imagine what it would be like to be that rich. My mom was always on my case for leaving even one light on; sometimes even if it was in the room I was in.”

“Sure, didn’t everyone’s parents do that?” she asked.

“Nope, not Neil’s dad. I would look up at that house, and sometimes it would look like every light in the house was on at the same time, just because they could be. It looked like stars to me, Courtney. It looked like a little crop of stars caught in a net and brought down to earth, just for me. That’s what I would think about when I was little and looking at the Driscoll house. I would think about stars.”

We both lapsed into silence then, Courtney from her perch on the countertop and me sitting in one of our empty booths. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking about, but I was busy thinking about a life that didn’t even come close to existing anymore. I was thinking about back when Neil’s house looked like it was full of stars, and my dreams of what might lay in store for him and me still felt real enough to touch.

“Okay, sister, enough is enough,” Courtney said.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

I wasn’t sure exactly how long Courtney and I had been sitting so quietly. All I knew was that it was now totally dark outside. I could somehow still tell that Courtney was either restless, annoyed, or both. When she jumped off the counter and chugged what remained of her beer in what looked like one long sip, I settled on both.

I knew she was probably annoyed by how sentimental I was being, seeing as she had always hated it when I got like that. At the same time, she was the one who had asked me to get that way. It felt unfair and a little bit out of character for her to be pissed.

Because I couldn’t figure her out, and because I had already asked for her meaning, I waited. I waited to see what she would say, hoping that she wouldn’t choose this moment to pick one of our very rare fights. Fighting was something I was never much of a fan of, but on this day? On this day, I was pretty sure I would just lay down on the floor and die rather than get into a yelling match with my best friend. I was too drained, too far gone within myself for a thing like that.

“Enough!” she cried, making it sound like more of a banshee cry than a word. “Enough of this! Enough moping around and acting like the whole world came crashing down because of Neil freaking Driscoll.”

“I’m not moping,” I answered sulkily, feeling absurdly hurt that she would say something like that to me. Despite the fact that moping was exactly what I was doing, “You asked me what I was thinking about, right? I mean you asked me if I was ready to talk about it, and so I talked. Next time, I’ll just try to remember to keep my mouth shut.”

“No! Come on, Fay, get real. You totally know that’s not what I meant, or at least you should know. And it’s not just you moping, either. It’s both of us, and it’s stupid. Hence, the enough is enough comment, which I definitely stand by. You and me aren’t just going to sit around and feel shitty, Fay. Not for even one second more.”

“Okay,” I answered uncertainly, starting to get the distinct feeling that Courtney was up to something. “Well then, what did you have in mind instead?”

“We’re going out, sister. And before you say no, just don’t.”

“Don’t? Don’t what?”

“Don’t say no, of course! You don’t like to go out and get messed up, and I respect that.”

“Ha!” I shot back, starting to feel halfway decent for the first time since seeing Neil. Maybe even since hearing about his dad and wondering if I was going to see him. “You do, do you? If what you do is considered respect, then I would seriously hate to see what your version of disrespect looks like.”

“You know what I mean,” she said, waving me off impatiently and looking like she was starting to get legitimately excited now. “And don’t try to change the subject. You don’t really go out, and that’s cool, but tonight you’re going to. I’m putting my foot down, Fay. I’m not taking no for an answer, and you know how freaking stubborn I can be. You can do this the easy way, or the hard way, but you’re coming out with me.”

“You know what?”

“No, what?” she asked me suspiciously. Her eyes actually narrowed as she got into the stance she reserved for getting her way at all costs.

I laughed again and reminded myself that as bummed as I had been feeling all day, I still had it pretty good. I had it very good. I had a lifelong friend that loved me enough to put up with my bullshit and pull me out of my funks, even when I didn’t want to be pulled. She was trying so hard to make me to feel better and doing it the best way she knew how. I could have kissed her for it, but instead, I gave her my biggest, flashiest grin, and returned the wink she’d given me earlier.

“Oh man, I think I know what,” she said giddily, actually jumping up and down with her tentative, but building, excitement. “But I don’t want to get my hopes up too high! Just tell me, why don’t you? Tell me, and put me out of my freaking misery!”

“Yes, that’s what. You want to go out, and I say yes. Let’s do it.”

***

And that’s how I came to be sitting in one of the back booths of one of only two bars in all of Ashville. It wasn’t like I hadn’t been there before, because I had. I wasn’t a nun or anything. I wasn’t such a square that I couldn’t go out and have a drink. Although if Courtney had been able to read my head enough to know that I even thought in terms of the word “square,” she would have shaken her head in disgust.

Still, it had been an oddly difficult day, and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit bowled over by all of the noise and lights in such a relatively small space. It looked like half of Ashville was there, and that was something I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by. It definitely made me glad to be in a booth that was at least a little bit removed from everyone. When Courtney happily announced that she was headed to the bar to get us drinks, I was equally glad I had brought my book along.

I was well aware that a bar wasn’t exactly a conventional place for a person to read a book, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do with myself while I just sat there alone. I could have gone up with her to get the drinks, but I was pretty sure we would have lost our booth if I’d done that. I didn’t want that, either. So it was the book and my nose in it, and for a surprisingly long time, too. The fact that most of Ashville seemed to be trying to get a drink meant that the wait time was nuts, which only made me feel more vindicated in having my book out in the first place. It was a little piece of comfort in an otherwise unfamiliar scenario.

“Uh uh! No freaking way, Fay! No! Absolutely not!”

I looked up, sure that the look on my face was similar to the look a dog wore when he knew he’d been caught doing something he was absolutely not supposed to do. What I saw was Courtney, still at least a couple of feet away from our seats and balancing what looked like enough drinks for six people. She had been in the process of pushing her way through some of the throngs of people when she’d caught sight of my open book. The moment she had seen that, she had shouted out her disapproval.

Unfortunately, when she did that, at least a half dozen other people turned to see what she was yelling about, some of whom snickered when they saw me. I put the book back in my purse, beginning to wonder if going out with Courtney had been all that good of an idea after all.

When she slid a full drink and two shots of some kind of pink liquid in my direction, I was almost sure it had been a mistake. Still, when she held out one of the shot glasses reserved for her, I clinked it like I was supposed to. I slung it back in one sip, following Courtney’s lead, and then fought off a spasm of coughs immediately after.

“Oh, Lord! We really do need to get you out more often, don’t we? That’s only one of the girliest shots around, Fay. This is the kind of thing you start off with in high school and work your way up.”

“I think I’m good sticking at this level. And why are there so many people in here, anyway?!”

“Because it’s Saturday night, Fay! This is what people do on the weekends! Welcome to the world, lady.”

“Hold on, don’t get ahead of yourself. I never said I was going to make this a habit or anything, okay? Let’s just take it one night at a time.”

“Sure, we can do that. Only do me a favor, will you?”

“Maybe,” I answered slowly, knowing Courtney well enough to know that accepting her requests for favor at point blank was right on level with writing a blank check for a bank robber. “It depends on what it is.”

“Nothing big, I promise. Just look over at the bar, will you? A quick look, nothing long and languishing. Just look over there, and tell me what you see.”

I did so, on the verge of telling her she was a crazy person when I stopped cold and felt my mouth drop open. If Courtney hadn’t reached out and physically turned my face away, I would probably have just gone on staring like a total idiot. Instead, I looked down at my hands, saw the second shot sitting there waiting for me, and slammed it back.

“Neil,” I said in a flat voice that sounded very far away from where I was. “It’s Neil. I should have known.”