CHAPTER 16: Elena
I rested on the couch as a talk show played through the apartment, thinking about school. I was still very sore and had a lot of trouble just moving in general, so I was still resting. I’d called the school, and they told me that they made exceptions for illness and things like accidents, so I could take a break and come back next semester if I chose to. I couldn’t miss too many classes and hope to have a chance at catching up, and the idea of walking around alone made me ache deep inside.
Or was it because I was missing Liam?
I hated saying those words to him at my apartment. I wanted him to bring me back to his place just to be in his arms, but I’d never be able to hold back about the baby that way. I needed time away from him. I needed to think. Ginger kept asking me if I was sure about my decision and I assured her that I was.
She went to school but was otherwise home to take care of me. She cooked every meal and made sure that I took my medicine and slept properly. I played along though I didn’t always sleep that well. I was sore, and I kept dreaming about Liam.
The dreams varied. In some, we were in Liam’s bed making love the way I never had before and likely never would again. I missed the way that he touched me and I’d wake up in tears some nights before I remembered why we were apart. I would slide my hand down over my stomach, still flat. I knew that there was a little life in there, though. I’d been to the doctor, and it was verified that I was only about one and a half months along. I was starting to feel a bit of the all-day sickness that came along with the first trimester, and Ginger kept the apartment stocked up on things to ease the discomfort. She was reading books about what to expect, making me want to cry as I watched her sometimes.
I still wasn’t completely sure that I was going to keep the baby, but knew that I could not terminate the pregnancy. This was a life, and I hated the idea of pushing another part of Liam away. I spent a lot of time trying to fit a baby into my life with school and working, something that had fallen to the wayside since the accident. I couldn’t sit up long enough to get too much work done and was thankful that my clients were so understanding about things.
Sometimes the idea of being a single mother made me cry myself to sleep. Liam was a wonderful man, and he’d make a great father with a woman that wasn’t forbidden. He’d love them both with all that he had, but Liam wouldn’t want it with a student that he was just sleeping with. We had no idea where this was going to go, and a baby would make it end that much faster. It was then that I’d convince myself just to give the baby to a family that was ready and to move on with my life.
I was so conflicted.
Ginger was a great listener, and we sat up watching movies a lot and eating the things that I craved. Since I knew I was going to carry the baby to term, there was no reason not to give in to every part of the pregnancy. She convinced me to move into the apartment since I wasn’t working too much and there was room for me, for both of us if I decided to keep the baby.
I was better within a couple of weeks, but I’d withdrawn from school by that time. I hated doing that, but it made sense. I could figure all of this out and move forward next semester.
It was after I was better that Ginger took me out one evening to get a new phone and some dinner. I missed being outside and breathed in the cooling October air as we walked into a pizza place for some dinner. I looked around as we approached the counter to order, pausing when I saw Liam with Marie and another guy and girl in the back. He was drinking beer, and a couple of pies were in front of them as he laughed at something the blonde beside him said. “Elena?” Ginger asked as she turned to look at me, following my gaze to the back of the room. “Oh, sweetie. Do you want to leave?”
“No. We live in the same city, and this is going to happen. I’m craving this pizza too much to leave.” I was only about three months now and not showing at all, so there was nothing to worry about. We walked to the counter and ordered before Ginger took her beer to a table that was away from Liam as I followed with my water. I took one more look back his way, seeing his eyes on me before I looked down and hurried to the booth. Hopefully, he’d stay back there and leave this alone.
He looked so damn good, and my thighs ached as I sipped the ice water. Yes, I was feeling that part of pregnancy as well, even though I’d never sleep with a random guy to ease the ache. I had a hand for that, and soon there would be toys. I felt that this was just going to get worse.
We tried to talk about something lighthearted as we waited for the pizza and garlic bread sticks but my mind was on Liam. Since I didn’t have a phone this entire time on purpose, not wanting to be the one to refuse calls, I had been free of him. I jumped as someone moved into the booth beside me and stared at Liam with wide eyes. “What are you doing?”
“I wanted to see how you’re doing. Your phone wasn’t working,” Liam said as I looked carefully around the restaurant. “We’re not in class together. Jesus, Elena. I want to see how you are.”
“I’m better. The soreness is going away finally, and I am getting around again. I’m not in school anymore, but I’ll pick it back up next semester.” I looked down at the table as I felt him take my hand, feeling my willpower fade as he squeezed me. “Liam. Stop.”
“I fucking miss you,” he told me in a low voice as I closed my eyes. “I’ve been so worried, Elena.”
“I'm all right.” I wanted him to leave because the heat from our joined hands was climbing up my arm. My body was responding in kind, and I pulled my hand away.
“What happened to giving it a chance when we could, Elena? You wanted that as much as I did,” Liam spoke close to my ear as I closed my eyes. He slid out and left me as my mouth dropped open, trying to catch my breath.
“Are you okay?” Ginger asked me, reaching across the table to touch my arm. I nodded, still unable to speak. “Elena, there’s still something between you two. I felt it.”
“It can’t happen. He doesn’t want a family, Ginger.” I looked around carefully as I spoke in a low voice. There was a part of me that wanted to grab her beer and down it to numb myself, but I took a slow breath instead. “I don’t want him.”
“Bullshit. It was all over your face, Elena. Give him a chance and tell him. Let Liam decide what he wants.” Ginger said as I shook my head. A waitress came over with our food, and I rubbed my stomach as it growled. Pizza would fix everything right now. As I piled my plate with food, I looked towards the door to see Liam walking to the exit with his group, looking at me as the blonde reached for his arm. God, how that hurt and I forced my eyes back to the half-eaten slice of pizza as the butterflies in my stomach took flight.
This was best for all of us.
It was in bed at home that I reached for my new phone. It had been charging for several hours, and I powered it on. There were a few missed calls and texts, but I zeroed in on the ones from Liam. The voice mails were those of a man breaking apart, and I cried as I listened to them. The texts ranged from every emotion that he felt; desperate, worried, angry, and loving. He didn’t say it, but I heard it in his words and I curled up on my side to sob quietly into my pillow. He wanted me, not a family within a matter of months. There would already be so much to explain to people, and a baby would make that so much worse. He was a well-liked teacher on the campus, and I couldn’t ruin that for him. He’d worked for that long before meeting me.
Besides, he seemed to have the blonde in his life. She was pretty, closer to his age, and there would be no gossip or scandal involved with them. They could live a comfortable life.
My stomach clenched at the idea of him touching another woman, and I whimpered. I had to stop this for the baby’s sake, and I moved to run to the bathroom attached to the bedroom, emptying my stomach of the contents inside. This happened more than I cared to think about, but it was better than being unable to move due to sore muscles. I could work through it.
I was getting some money from the other driver’s insurance for a car, but it wasn’t too much. There was also a battle between them and the lawyer that I hired after I became completely intimidated by the process. I didn’t want a lot, just enough to cover my large hospital bills and perhaps enough to make up for the money that I lost in recovery. Ginger offered to help me with a car when the time came since she had a generous trust fund, but I wanted to do it on my own.
I leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath.
My parents had sent some money to me after we spoke a few times. They didn’t know about the baby since I was going to hide that for as long as I could. Mom would never understand the circumstances behind this baby and I would just see that look of disappointment in Dad’s eyes that I always tried to avoid. I could make up a short, casual relationship or a one-night stand but the reaction would be the same. I would look like a careless girl that didn’t have any thought about her future.
Mom was married for three years when she had me, and while they weren’t great parents, they did their job. I rinsed out my mouth with water and made my way back to bed, imagining how different this life would be for the baby if I kept it.
If I kept it.
I traced my stomach and thought about the little piece of Liam and me that was growing inside of me, and the idea of losing it forever pulled at my heart. I could keep him in my life this way, even though it would be so hard.
Ginger would help me. She would be the best aunt a kid could ever want. My parents might come around. I thought about the time that I met his sister and knew that she would be a wonderful part of their life, but that would mean telling Liam. He did deserve to know, but I wanted it to be a time when he didn’t feel like he had to be there for me.
I drifted off into a dream where we were together, and Liam knew everything. We were going to be a family, and he was so happy.