Chapter 20: Neil

“What the hell, boy?” Eli asked. “I thought you were long gone. We heard your plane take off, brother. It’s not like there’s a bunch of them coming in and out of Ashville.”

“Who do you mean by we?”

“I mean everyone, man. That was what, a week ago? Everyone knew you were gone the minute you took off. The whole fucking town was talking about it. Even if I had somehow managed to miss it all, Courtney would have filled me in on it. We’ve been spending a lot of time together. I think I might have something there.”

“Good. That’s good. Try not to fuck it up, okay? It’s the worst goddamned feeling in the world when you do.”

I wasn’t sure if Eli was right about the timing of everything or not. The time since I had gotten onto my plane and flown away from Ashville was all mostly a blur. I could vaguely remember speaking to Fay with a nasty, asshole tone, and her running out of my house in tears.

At the time, it hadn’t mattered to me, not any of it. The only thing I could think about was that old man’s words, telling me to get out or else I would regret it for the rest of my life. I had been so sure he was right, I hadn’t once stopped to think that maybe it would be the other way around. I hadn’t stopped to think that maybe I would regret losing Fay for the rest of my life, although I was sure that a much smarter man would have seen that immediately.

I had been such a jackass that I had actually convinced myself that there were plenty of women out there just like Fay, that she was nothing all that special. It had taken me about two days to realize how wrong I was, and once I had realized it, I had known I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And I had done it for the second fucking time! I had done it for the second time, and how many times did I think I was going to get away with it, anyway? Just how many times did I think I was going to be able to walk all over her and break her heart before she was done with me once and for all?

I wanted to ask Eli these questions and more, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t ask because I was terrified of what answer he would give me. So I settled on a question I hoped he would recognize as a stand in for all of the rest of them.

“How is she, Eli?”

“Come on, man. Why do you ask me that?”

“Because I want to know, Eli. Christ, why else would I ask?”

“How do you think she is? You acted like a jackass, man. I’m a guy, and even I could see that. She’s been a wreck. She threw out all of those romance books she used to like to read. And you should hear the way she talks now. It’s not good, man. Courtney’s been having to work to keep her from turning into a constant partier, doing all of those things she’s always avoided. It’s been hard.”

“Shit.”

“Why are you here, Neil? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have you, but why are you here really? Because if you’re just going to fuck with her head, don’t. Courtney’ll kill you, and she’ll want me to help, and I don’t want to be in the middle of that. And Fay’s a good girl. She doesn’t deserve any more of this shit. No more, all right?”

I nodded at him, but I wasn’t really listening. I was already half out of his shop and headed down the street towards the diner. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, could feel it going so hard it felt like it might actually explode. For the first time, I was confronting the very real possibility that I was too late to make any difference, and it was a possibility that scared the shit out of me.

There was also a pretty good chance that Courtney was going to claw my eyes out, but that was something I was willing to take. I shoved my hand deep down into my pocket, kept it there for comfort, and shoved open the door to the diner. The first person I saw was Courtney, and she was very clearly not happy to see me.

“Oh no! Hell no, Neil. Not again. You’re not doing this to her for a third time. I’ll go to jail before I let you do that.”

“Please, Courtney. I’m not here to hurt her.”

“Ha! Oh really? And I’m just supposed to believe that? You’re so full of shit. You know that? I tried to warn her. I knew you were only going to fuck her up, but she was so sweet that she didn’t believe me. She believed in you, Neil. That’s what she believed in, and instead of caring about her, you went and broke her heart. Not only that, but you did it for the second time. Why don’t you just get the hell out of here, Neil? Why don’t you just let her try to get over it without you messing things up for her?”

“Is she here or not, Courtney?”

“Wow, you really just don’t give a shit, do you? Just looking out for yourself, and that’s it.”

“No, that’s not it at all. All of those things you said? You were right. You were right about all of them, and I’m here to fix it, not make it worse.”

“How are you going to fix it? And you better be able to tell me, because if you think I’m just going to trust you, you’re out of your fucking mind.”

I don’t know what kind of answer I would have come up with to something like that, but I never got the chance to figure it out. That was the moment when Fay emerged from the back, her eyes wide at the sound of our voices. I hadn’t realized it until that moment, but we must have been being pretty loud because Fay looked like a deer in headlights before she even saw with her own two eyes that it was me standing in the diner with her best friend.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

Her voice was flat and lifeless. Courtney gave me a look that really felt like it could have murdered me before going and putting her arm around Fay, who was pale with dark circles under her eyes. Even in the short amount of time since I had gone, I could see that she had lost weight, and I felt my stomach drop. I had done that to her. I was the reason she looked so messed up, and if she would let me, I would do whatever I could to make it up to her.

“I’m here for you,” I said.

“Do you want me to make him leave?” Courtney interrupted, looking up at Fay’s face anxiously, “Because I swear to God, I’ll do it.”

“No, that’s okay. Maybe just give us a minute?”

“No. Hell no. I’m not going anywhere while he’s here. He’s done enough already.”

“That’s okay,” I said quietly. “It’s fine. You can be here for what I need to do. Maybe it’ll even help you to feel better about me.”

I had no doubt that she would love to tell me that would never happen, but I didn’t give her the chance. The hand I had kept safely in my pocket all through the walk from the barber’s shop and through the confrontation with Courtney as well, came out. In the palm of my hand, I held a little black velvet box, and with it, in plain sight, I got down on one knee. I saw Courtney’s eyes widen as Fay gasped, her hands flying up to her neck and grasping the necklace she had hidden beneath her shirt.

“What are you doing?” Fay asked.

“Oh man, if you can’t tell, I must not be doing it right.”

“But you left,” she said confusedly, her eyes starting to fill up with tears again. “You said if I didn’t leave Ashville, it was over, and I haven’t changed my mind on that. So there’s no point.”

“You don’t need to change your mind. I’ve changed mine. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know what I was thinking all of those years ago when I left, and I don’t know what I was thinking when I drove you out of my house. All I know is that there’s nothing out there better than you. There’s no place, no person, nothing in the world better than you. And I love you. God, I love you so fucking much.”

“But we hardly know each other. It’s only been a little more than a month.”

“We know each other. It’s been a month and our whole lives. I’ve loved you for all of my life, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to keep on loving you for the rest of it. I’d like it very much if you would marry me, Fay Turner. I want you to be my wife.”

I popped the velvet box open and waited, every organ and blood vessel inside of me waiting to see what answer I would get before getting back to work. For a minute, I was sure she would say no. I’d been too much of a prick to deserve a yes from her, and she knew it. I had no right to even ask, but I had to do it. I had to know if there was a chance for me, even a small one, or else the rest of my life would be ruined.

“Yes.”

“Wait, what? Yes? Did you just say yes?”

“Yeah,” Courtney chimed in, her face as shocked as my insides felt. “Did you just say yes? Are you sure, Fay?”

“I’m sure,” she said in a sweet, wavering voice, her eyes never leaving my face. “And my answer is yes. I’ve loved you for all of my life, too, Neil Driscoll, and I can’t imagine marrying anyone else.”

Then she was in my arms, and Courtney was cheering, Courtney and Eli, too, who had followed me to the diner without me knowing. After ten years of fighting against it, I finally understood what home meant for me. It was Fay, and there was nothing else I could ever really need.