Smokey

I’d postponed the inevitable for as long as I could, and it was time for me to come clean with Eddie. I wasn’t sure what would be more difficult for her to accept; the news of the pregnancy, or that Sandy was going to move in.

I guessed in a matter of minutes, I’d know the answer. I peeked into her bedroom. “You got a minute, Ed?”

In the middle of hanging up laundry, she looked up. “What’s up?”

“When you get done.”

“When I get done what?”

“When you get done, do you have a minute?”

“I’ve got a minute, now. What’s up?”

“I’ll wait ‘till you’re done.”

“Then you should have stuck your head in my door and said, hey Ed, I’m too busy to talk now, but I’ll have a minute when you’re done, wanna talk later?”

“Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe you’re my child.”

She threaded the hanger she held through the neck of a shirt, and then glared at me. “I’m a seventeen-year-old female version of you.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“It’s true,” she said. “You’re a smart ass, I’m a smart ass. You like music, I like music. You’re a badass, I’m a badass--”

“Watch your mouth,” I said.

She rolled her eyes. “You cuss all the time, and I get in trouble for saying anything. Maybe we’re not so much alike. No, wait. We are alike, we just play by different rules. Yeah, that’s it.”

“When you’re eighteen, you can cuss all you want.”

“Yeah,” she said. “Outside.”

I laughed. “That’s your rule, not mine.”

She hung up her last shirt. “It’s a good rule. If I let you and P-Nut cuss as much as you wanted, I’d be tripping over cusswords all the time. You two are awful.”

“We’re bikers. What do you expect?”

She closed her closet door and then looked at me and shrugged. “Manners?”

“I slip up from time to time.”

“You didn’t slip up once when Sandy was here. Did you notice that?”

“I didn’t notice.”

Her eyebrows raised and her head tilted to the side. “I did.”

I saw it as an opportunity to start the discussion I’d been dreading. “Maybe she brings out the good in me.”

“Maybe she does.” She brushed the wrinkles from her comforter, and then looked up. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“There’s never been a woman in this house. Not one. Ever. Why?”

I wanted to tell her it was out of respect, but feared ten minutes later that she’d crucify me for saying it. I chewed on my response for a minute, and realized there was nothing I could do to make it taste good.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

She sat on the edge of her bed. “How would having a woman in this home hurt me?”

I sat down on the bed beside her and rested my forearms on my knees. “I always figured if I introduced you to a woman, and you liked her enough to let her into your heart, that if she up and left one day.” I shook my head at the thought of it and then looked up. “I knew it would hurt you.”

“It’d hurt you, too. Right?”

I nodded. “I suppose so, why?”

“You wouldn’t bring some random girl home that you didn’t like. If you brought her here and introduced me to her, it’d mean you liked her a lot, right?”

“Yeah.”

“If you brought her here based on your best judgement, and then things went to crap, it wouldn’t be because you did anything wrong. It’d just mean she wasn’t able to see what an awesome guy you are. So, we’d both be hurt, but you more than me.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because you’d see me hurt, and that would hurt you. And then you’d hurt from what she did to you.” She looked at me and shrugged. “Double whammy.”

“The double whammy.” I chuckled, and then gazed down at the floor and nodded my head. One thing I always admired about Eddie was her intellect, and she was reminding me why.

“I’m not letting anyone into my heart until I’m sure about them,” she said. “So, I really don’t have to worry about being hurt like you do.”

I sat and stared at the floor, trying to find the words to continue.

After a few seconds, she broke the silence. “Are you okay?”

I realized I was still nodding my head. I stopped, and then looked up “I’m good.”

“Something’s on your mind.”

There was only one way to get through it, and that was to do it. I inhaled a breath, let half of it out, and began.

“Did you like Sandy?”

“Yeah. A lot. She’s cool, and she’s pretty as eff.”

“Pretty as eff?”

She looked embarrassed. “Pretty as F, U, C, K.”

“Oh.” I gazed down at the floor and nodded. “Yeah, she’s awfully pretty, that’s for sure.”

“Why?” she asked.

I let out a long sigh.

She leaned over and kissed my cheek. “If you like her enough to make her the first girl you’ve ever introduced to me, I’d like her just because you liked her that much. If she’s that important to you, she’s important to me, too.”

I nodded, and then looked at her. “Thanks, Ed.”

“But I like her anyway. She’s cool.”

“Cool?”

“Yeah. Uhhm. Did you see that dress, mister?” she asked excitedly. “And she drives a Bug. Did P-Nut know that?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Does he know her?”

I didn’t want to tell her how, and hoped she didn’t ask. “Yeah.”

“How’d you meet?”

“We met at the Crab Shack on Harbor Drive. Cholo and Lex introduced me to her. She works with Lex.”

“Have you been seeing her for a while?”

I started the nodding again. “Yeah.”

“Well, I like her. A lot.”

The last thing in the world I wanted to do was hurt her, but I was beginning to look at the direction of the conversation we were having as playful and inaccurate. I needed to say what it was I came to, but doing it wasn’t as easy as I had hoped.

I sat up, looked right at her, and sighed. “I want her to move in with us. What would you think about that?”

Her eyes went wide, but not drastically. She seemed far more excited than anything. Seeing her excitement was reassuring.

“Really?”

I couldn’t recall the last time I had cried. If I had to guess, I would say it was the day Ed was born, and although it may have qualified as crying, it was more like a leaky eye. Tears simply ran down my face when I saw her.

But. For whatever reason, I was on the cusp of breaking down in tears. With swollen eyes, I looked at her and nodded.

“Yeah.”

She scooted in a circle until she was facing me, and then pulled her legs onto the bed and sat beside me cross-legged. “Uhhm. Like permanently? Like you and her would be together? I mean, you’d be officially together?”

My mouth had gone dry, and responding verbally wasn’t an option. As I fought back the tears, I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth and nodded.

She rested her hand on my thigh and smiled. “I think I’d like that.”

I couldn’t continue beating around the bush. I needed to simply tell Eddie the truth. Anything short of that was a lie.

I was many things, but a liar wasn’t one of them.

I’d raised Eddie the way I was raised. There were two things on earth: right, and wrong. Two colors, black and white. My world had zero shades of gray. Things were either on the left side of the line or on the right.

In my world, there was nothing that needed pondered. I realized not everyone would agree with my perceptions, but everything fell into one or the other of those two categories.

My beliefs, or so I hoped, were shared by Eddie. If that were the case, she’d be able to understand the position I was in.

I looked right at her, and then wiped my eyes with the heel of my palms.

Her face washed with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Gimme a second.” I held up my index finger, drew a choppy breath, and then continued. “Sandy and I…we uhhm. We met, and we went out. We liked each other, a lot. We uhhm. We went on a few dates, and we had…we had sex. And, she uhhm…”

My voice was shaky, and each word seemed to be getting stuck in the back of my dry throat. While I struggled to continue, she swallowed heavily, and then met my gaze.

“Is she pregnant?”

I bit into my lower lip and nodded my head lightly. “Yeah. She is.”

Her eyes dropped. I had no idea what she was thinking, but I knew hurting her would simply kill me. As much as I realized I had to do the right thing by Sandy, I further knew I couldn’t do anything to sacrifice my relationship with Eddie.

As she seemed to be digesting everything, emotion washed over me, leaving me feeling vulnerable and weak.

“There’s only one thing you can do.” She looked up. “The right thing.”

Everything was still tangled up in my throat, but I opened my arms and managed to rid myself of three words.

“I love you.”

She hugged me. “I love you, too.”

Sitting on the edge of her bed, we held each other. I cried a little bit, but they weren’t tears of sadness. In realizing the level of maturity and understanding in the seventeen-year-old girl I had raised since birth, I filled with so much pride it seemed to force the tears from my eyes.

We sat there in each other’s arms for a long while, and then she broke our embrace. When she realized I was crying, she reached up and wiped the tears from my cheeks with her thumbs.

“Be careful what you wish for,” she said. “Remember that?”

Embarrassed, I wiped my eyes with my index fingers. “What about it?”

“You’ve always told me that,” she said. “And guess what?”

“What?”

She shrugged one shoulder. “I’ve always wanted a sister.”