Smokey

P-Nut and I had ridden to San Diego and were rolling along the Mission Valley Freeway in slow-moving traffic.

“Exit 3B to Friars,” I shouted.

With his helmet all but off his head, and the loose fitting strap dangling below his chin, he gave me a look through the yellow lenses of his glasses. “Where the fuck we going?”

“There’s a fucking mall there,” I shouted. “I need to get Eddie’s gift.”

He gave a nod, and within a few minutes, we got off the exit and rode to the mall. After following me into the parking garage, he looked at the various parked cars, which were all expensive imports, and then at me.

He tossed his helmet onto the concrete beside his bike and then looked up as a $250,000 Bentley Coupe passed by us.

“You sure we’re in the right place, Brother?”

I nodded. “We’re going to Tiffany & Company. I need to get Eddie a ring.”

He spit out a laugh and raised his leg over his seat. “Oh, hell yes. I’m gonna like this.”

“You need to behave,” I warned.

He straightened his kutte. “If there’s a hot bitch in there, I’m gonna try and fuck her.”

I climbed off my bike. “Damn it, Nut. Just. Just try and act accordingly.”

He flashed a cheesy grin. “Always do.”

We sauntered toward a plexiglass enclosed map that was on display in the courtyard, and studied it.

“Right around the corner.” He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. “By Louis Vuitton and Neiman Marcus. Yeah, this’ll be fun.”

“C’mon, Romeo,” I said with a roll of my eyes.

Dressed in jeans, boots, and our kuttes, we walked to the store amidst several stares and a few dropped jaws. Upon reaching it, I turned toward P-Nut.

“I meant what I said.”

“Best behavior.” He gave a nod. “But I’m on the prowl.”

Upon pushing the door open, we were met by a wide-eyed guard.

Dressed in a suit, and built like a linebacker, he gave an unassuming nod. “Welcome to Tiffany’s.”

“I’m looking for a ring for my daughter,” I said. “Diamond.”

“One of our associates will be with you promptly,” he said.

I offered a silent nod of appreciation.

“One of our associates,” Nut whispered mockingly.

I narrowed my eyes and shot him a glare. “I meant it.”

“Good afternoon, and welcome to Tiffany’s. I’m Jennis. How can I help you?” someone said from behind me.

Peering over my shoulder, P-Nut’s eyebrows raised slightly. “What’s your name again?”

“Jennis.”

“Spell it.”

I turned around. A tall, pale, and very thin woman dressed in a navy skirt and blazer stood with her hands dangling at her sides. Her hair hung past her shoulders and draped over her chest like a sheet of crimson silk.

“J, e, n, n, i, s,” she said.

“Oh, Jennis. Sorry, thought you said Janice,” P-Nut said. “We’re looking for a diamond ring.”

“I’m looking for a diamond ring,” I said.

She smiled and alternated glances between us. “An engagement ring? Or--”

“No,” P-Nut said before she finished.

“Yes,” I said.

She looked at him, and then at me. “Yes, or no?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“No,” P-Nut said.

She grinned. “What’s the purpose of the ring?”

“To cause anyone who encounters the person wearing it to think she’s spoken for.”

“She would be your wife? Girlfriend?” She leaned forward and then glanced over each shoulder. “Sidepiece?”

P-Nut chuckled. “What do you know about sidepieces?”

She raised her delicate hand to her mouth and grinned a sly grin. “I’ll never tell.”

“I’m an expert at getting sexy redheads to talk--”

I elbowed P-Nut and stepped between them. “It’s for my daughter.”

She turned to the side and took a long stride toward one of the many display cases. “You want to scare off the--”

“I’ll scare them off once they come through the door,” I said. “I want this to minimize the amount of them I’ll have to scare.”

“We have a few pieces that may interest you. How old is she?”

“Seventeen.”

She stepped behind the case and turned to face us. “Oh, what a great age.”

“Yep,” P-Nut said. “Just a couple years older than you.”

Jesus H. Christ.

“Oh stop,” she said, doing the hand to the face thing again. “Please, you’re going to make me blush.”

P-Nut glanced over each shoulder, then reached for his zipper. “I’ll make you blush.”

I turned to the side and shot him a glare. “Damn it, Nut.”

“You guys are such fun.” She reached into the case and retrieved three rings. “We have the Infinity Line, the Legacy Line, and the--”

“I’m sorry,” I said upon seeing the rings. “I want a solitaire. Something big. Maybe a carat or two.”

Her thin lips formed a delicate “O”, and she scooped up the rings.

“You don’t want a solitaire for Eddie, Smoke. She’ll look like a seventeen-year-old...” He paused and twisted his mouth to the side.

I arched an eyebrow. “A seventeen-year-old what?”

He looked at Jennis.

Her eyebrows raised slowly, and then her head tilted to the side. “Courtesan?”

“Excuse me?”

She flipped her hair over her shoulder, leaned forward, and rested her hands against her hips. “One would assume she’s engaged. A young woman wearing such an engagement ring may be perceived as being a…” She let out a dramatic sigh. “Gold digger?”

P-Nut pursed his lips and nodded.

“Really?” I asked.

She shrugged.

“What do you suggest?”

“The Somerset, Schlumberger Daisy, maybe the Enchant Scroll.” She raised her index finger. “I’ll be right back.”

She grinned a shallow grin and disappeared behind another jewelry case at the front of the store.

P-Nut looked at me. “I’m gonna shove that chick so full of cock that it dislocates her hips.”

“No, you’re not.”

“The fuck you say. Who’s stopping me?”

“Leave her alone, Nut. I need to get this ring bought.”

“I ain’t talking about doing it now. Buy your ring and watch the master at work.”

I coughed a laugh. “The master?”

He nodded. “You know what they say about skinny red-heads, don’t ya?”

“I’m drawing a blank.”

“They’ve got tight pussies, and they dive on a cock like the homeless on a $100 bill.”

I shook my head. “Where do you come up with this shit?”

“Well-known fact, Brother.”

“Take a look at these.” She placed four rings in front of us. “The Somerset, Daisy, Enchant, and the Five-Row Metro.”

“Five-Row,” P-Nut said.

I reached for the ring she called the five-row. It had five rows of diamonds around the complete circumference of the ring, and looked elegant.

“I like this one.”

She tilted her head to the side and smiled. “It’s a beautiful ring.”

As I admired the ring, P-Nut took a step back, raised his hand to his chin, and studied her. Her focus alternated back and forth between me and him as I studied the ring and he studied her.

I imagined Eddie wearing the ring, and how it would look. I smiled and nodded. “I’ll take it.”

She gave a nod. “Very well.”

She looked at me and then glanced at P-Nut and grinned. “Do you have a question?”

His eyes looked up and down her wispy frame a few times. When he finished eye-fucking her, he fixed his eyes on hers. “Just thinking.”

She genuinely seemed interested. “About?”

His eyes fell to her waist, paused, and then slowly rose to meet hers. “I’d rather not say.”

She leaned over the counter. “My job is to help the customer. How can I help you if you won’t enlighten me?”

He shook his head. “Don’t want to turn your face the same color as your hair.”

She straightened her stance, glanced over her right shoulder, and then shook her head. “I’m not easily embarrassed.”

“Remember, you asked,” he said.

She leaned over the edge of the counter, widened her eyes, and grinned.

P-Nut leaned forward, rested his elbows on the edge of the glass display, and locked eyes with her. “You’re not married, but you’re in a relationship you’re not committed to. Sexually speaking, he doesn’t satisfy you. You want him to take possession of you in the bedroom, but you’re afraid to tell him. There’s a long list of things you want him to do, and he hasn’t so much as tried one. In fact, none of your boyfriends have. Not really. You go from relationship to relationship, not because you’re not committed, but because things just don’t work out. Each time, you become more sexually frustrated, and you tell yourself the next time will be different. But it’s not. Eventually the man breaks up with you because of some bullshit excuse, and you leave convinced it’s your fault. Well, Jennis, I’ve got news for you. It’s not your fault. You just need to find the right man.”

He took a step back, folded his arms across his chest, and grinned. “How’d I do?”

She didn’t have to respond, her face already had. P-Nut may not have hit the nail on the head, but he sure swung the hammer in the right direction.

And, he was right in his initial statement.

Her face and her hair were the same color.

She fanned her face with her hand. “It just got really hot in here.”

“Give me your panties,” P-Nut said flatly.

She gasped. “Pardon...” She cleared her throat. “Pardon me?”

“Your panties,” P-Nut whispered. “Give ‘em to me.”

“I can’t--”

“You damned sure can. Reach up in your skirt and peel them off that little wet pussy of yours, and hand em to me.”

She sucked a breath. “I’ll be…I’d be fired.”

“But you want to do it, don’t you?”

She swallowed hard, and then nodded lightly.

He tilted his head toward her crotch. “Give ‘em to me.”

She looked flustered. After shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she looked at me. “Did you say you wanted the ring?”

I looked at Nut and let out a sigh of frustration. “I do.”

“It’s $6,900.”

I shrugged. “That’s fine.”

I handed her the ring and my credit card.

She looked at Nut, held his gaze for a moment, and then walked away ever so gracefully.

I turned toward him and shook my head. “I told you when we came in here to act civil.”

“Did not.”

“I did too.”

“Did not.”

“Damn it, Nut I said--”

“You said act accordingly,” he said. “And, I am. According to the fact she’s a sexy redheaded bitch. Redheads are freaks.”

“Where do you come up with this shit? What the fuck, Nut? Give me your panties? Jesus H. Christ. You can’t tell the Tiffany’s clerk to give you her panties.”

He crossed his arms and gave me a nod. “Damned sure can. I just did.”

P-Nut was an odd individual. Uncommitted and promiscuous as hell, he went from woman to woman, never once settling down. He differed from me in the respect that he’d often have girlfriends, but he could never find anyone courageous enough to stick with him for very long.

His sexual kinks proved to be too much for everyone he’d met to date.

And, he’d met many.

Coming from the far side of the store, Jennis sashayed past P-Nut, lightly brushing him as she walked past, and then handed me a bag. “The receipt’s in the bag, and here’s your card.”

She handed me my credit card and then shook my hand. “It was a pleasure,” she said. “I hope that she enjoys the ring for a lifetime.”

She turned toward P-Nut and gave a crisp nod. “Thank you, gentlemen, for stopping in.”

He returned her nod and turned toward the door.

Without another word, or any additional expressed interest on P-Nut’s part, we left. A few feet from the entrance, he glanced over his shoulder.

“Gimme her panties,” he said.

“What?”

“Bet she put ‘em in the bag.”

I glanced at the bag. Stuffed with light blue decorative tissue paper, it was impossible to see what was inside.

I paused, lifted the tissues from the bag, and shook my head. Inside the slightly oversized bag was a small blue box tied with a white silk ribbon. Beside the box, a folded pair of maroon panties with black lace.

“I’ll be damned,” I said.

“They’re in there, ain’t they?”

“Here.” I handed him the bag. “You can get ‘em out.”

He pulled out the panties, shoved them in his front pocket, and then reached inside the bag again. He handed me the bag and held up a business card. “And, lookie what we have here. Wrote her phone number on it and everything.”

“Fuckin’ weirdo,” I said.

“Weirdo who’s gonna dislocate that skinny bitch’s hips.”

“Let me know how that high maintenance bitch works out for you, Nut.”

He pulled the panties from his front pocket and admired them. “Will do, Smoke.”

As we walked toward the parking garage, I expressed my genuine concerns. “Not looking forward to Eddie dating.”

He shoved the panties inside his kutte. “Me neither. You doin’ the interviews, we doin’ em, or you just gonna let me screen the kids and tell you who qualifies?”

I chuckled. “I’ll do it.”

“Need any help?”

“I sure hope not.”

I had no idea how many people were going to want to take Eddie on dates, but I knew one thing: whoever wanted to was going to have to go through me first.

And I wasn’t an easy man to impress.