ELLIE

AN ANNOYING, SHRILL sound was blaring near my head, making my ears ring as it dragged me into consciousness. I groaned, rolling over and stretching my hand out for my cell phone, which was vibrating on the nightstand. As my hand closed over it, I blinked my heavy eyes and looked at the clock: 6:23 a.m. A glance at the caller ID showed the words PRIVATE NUMBER.

I debated rejecting the call. If I didn’t know the person, then chances were that it was a wrong number or something anyway. My head felt fuzzy, and my eyes stung because I’d fallen asleep only a couple of hours ago due to my overexcitement about today. Unwillingly, I answered it and yawned at the same time.

“Hello?” I mumbled, settling back into the bed.

“Hey, Ellie.”

A smile crept onto my lips at the sound of his voice. “Hey, you,” I cooed. “Do you know what time it is? Can you not sleep, either?” I chewed on my lip and sighed dreamily.

Jamie cleared his throat. “Sorry I called so early, I just—I need to speak to you.” His voice sounded a little off, a little tight, but I dismissed it, thinking that he was just tired or something. Maybe he’d only just gotten home from his boost and hadn’t actually been to sleep yet.

“Okay, what’s up?” I rolled onto my stomach, propping myself up on my elbows. There was silence on the other end of the phone. “Jamie? Is everything okay?”

“Not really,” he answered. I gulped, switching on my bedside light, immediately starting to worry that he was sick or hurt. “Ellie, I can’t … I’m not coming with you today.”

“Huh?” He isn’t coming, what the heck is he talking about?

He blew out a big breath, making it whistle down the line. “I’ve been thinking about it all night, and I’ve decided that it’s not the right thing for me. I thought I could do it, I thought I could give up everything for you, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

His words just weren’t making sense to me. I frowned, trying to work out what he was talking about. “You … don’t … Jamie, what?” I stuttered, confused.

“I was thinking about what happened between us last night, when you came over and accused me of killing Sophie.”

A wave of guilt washed over me again because I really shouldn’t have entertained that thought for a second. I’d obviously hurt him by thinking that of him, he’d already admitted that to me last night. “I’m sorry about that,” I whispered, wincing.

He sighed. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and then it suddenly hit me: I can’t be with someone who doubts me like that.”

Can’t be with someone … My body stiffened as I started to understand what he was saying, but my brain refused to accept it. “What are you talking about?”

“Ellie, look, this was fun, I had a great time with you. I really thought we were good together, but traveling with you would mean that I’d have to give up everything here: my friends, my work, my home. I thought I was okay doing that, I thought it would be fine, but after last night, I’ve realized that it’s not what I should be doing.” His words felt like he’d shoved a knife into my gut and was slowly twisting it.

“So you don’t want to go?” I asked, needing clarification. I knew he was giving up a lot for me, which was why I had been so shocked when he suggested it in the first place. It was my dream, not his, yet he was changing his whole life just to do something that I wanted.

“No.”

I nodded. The disappointment hit me hard. I’d been so excited for weeks, and now we weren’t going to go, but I understood what he was saying; it wasn’t fair of me to have expected that he do this in the first place. “Okay. I understand. We won’t go then. I don’t think we can get a refund on the tickets for today, but at least we hadn’t booked too many nights in hotels and stuff. It’s fine,” I agreed. I laughed humorlessly. “I think my parents will be a little relieved, actually,” I added, thinking of my mom’s sad expression earlier.

“You’re taking this really well,” he observed. His voice shook as he spoke, almost like he was disappointed that I wasn’t freaking out or something.

I shrugged, trying not to let my disappointment sound in my voice. “It’s okay, I understand. Are you coming over today? Maybe you could help me break the news to my parents,” I suggested, closing my eyes and praying he wasn’t going to say what my heart already knew he was going to say.

“Ellie, are you not understanding what I’m saying?” he asked incredulously.

“Don’t,” I whispered. My eyes prickled with tears as I focused on the ceiling, trying not to let them fall.

“I’m sorry, okay? It’s just not working for me. After last night I know how you really see me, and I can’t be with someone who thinks that of me,” he stated nonchalantly.

Oh God. “Jamie, it was just a spur-of-the-moment mistake; I jumped to the wrong conclusion, and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, but please don’t throw us away because of that, please,” I begged desperately.

“You threw us away the second you thought I could hurt my little sister,” he shot back harshly.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. Please forgive me. We’ll work through it, we can do that, I know we can. We’ll stay here and just work through it, please?” I closed my eyes and prayed for a second chance. Part of me knew, deep down, that this was the end because he sounded so final and detached. He wasn’t listening to my pleas at all. It was probably about time that he realized he could do better than me anyway.

“After you left last night, everything just kept playing over and over in my head. I love you, Ellie, I do, but it’s just not enough, not after what you thought of me. After the boost I went to a bar with some of the boys … I met a girl there.”

His words were like a kick in the stomach.

A girl? I whimpered as my mind filled in the blanks.

“I realized as I was talking to her that you and I just aren’t going anywhere. I realized that I couldn’t give up everything for you because we just aren’t right together, not really,” he continued. “You obviously don’t know me at all if you could doubt me like that, and I thought I knew you better, too. That’s all there is to it.”

“That’s all there is to it?” I repeated incredulously.

“Yeah, so I guess that’s it. You take care, okay?” he said dismissively.

My mouth dropped open in shock because this was all happening so fast. I hadn’t seen this coming; it was all so quick and out of the blue. One minute we were planning our lives together, and the next he was telling me it was over? My heart and head just couldn’t process it all.

“Jamie, what the hell? That’s it? Are you kidding me?” I asked disbelievingly.

There were two agonizing seconds of silence before he figuratively reached into my chest and ripped out my still beating heart with his words. “I slept with the girl last night. It made me realize that I’m not ready to settle down, especially not with someone who doubts me.”

My whole body tightened as hurt radiated through my system. But part of me refused to believe it. Jamie was an incredible person, so sweet and thoughtful; he wouldn’t have cheated, would he? “No you didn’t. You wouldn’t do that, you love me. You didn’t cheat, you’re just trying to hurt me,” I whispered, silently praying that I was right.

“I’m a guy, Ellie; guys cheat. It’s what we’re good at,” he shot back.

Each word was like the sharp stab of a knife. Tears pooled in my eyes, making my vision slightly blurry. “Jamie, no,” I whispered. My heart was aching, and my chest tightened painfully as my stomach started to tremble because of his rejection.

“Yeah, Ellie. I’m sorry, but I don’t love you enough to give up my life for you. I thought I did, but last night and you doubting me just made me think about our relationship. It’s not working, and I was fooling myself to think that it was. It’s over.”

My blood seemed to turn to ice in my veins at the finality of his tone. I didn’t know what to say. I opened my mouth to speak, but all that came out was a strangled sob. The two words were playing on repeat in my head: It’s over. I didn’t want that, I couldn’t lose him. I was totally crazy about him. I saw him in my future. Actually, I saw him as my future.

“Can’t we talk about it?” I begged. “We won’t go traveling; we’ll stay here and work it out if you don’t want to give up your life. I can understand that; just don’t say it’s over, please?”

“Have some self-respect. Christ! I’ve just told you that I fucked someone else last night. I’ve just climbed out of her bed, and you want to work things out?” he hissed angrily.

His words made me flinch. I knew I was being stupid, right now I was behaving like a doormat, but I loved him and I wanted to work it out with him. The way I felt when I was with him made me want to forgive him for his indiscretion. He was right, I probably wasn’t enough for him, but I could try to be. And the fact that he’d slept with another girl just didn’t ring true. He wasn’t the type of person to do that.

“I don’t believe you cheated,” I stated, shaking my head. “I love you,” I mumbled, swiping at the tears that were endlessly falling down my face. “I’m … I’m coming over and we can talk, okay?” I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, immediately looking for something I could throw on to go talk to him. I needed to look into his eyes, I needed to hold his hand, smell his smell. I just plain old needed him right now, and I couldn’t do this over the phone, I couldn’t beg through a piece of plastic. I needed to see him in person and show him how much I loved him.

“Don’t bother, I’m not there,” he grunted.

I whimpered and closed my eyes, trying not to think about it as a wave of nausea rolled over me. “Jamie, I’m sorry I doubted you last night. I’m so sorry about what I thought. I shouldn’t have done that, I should have known better. I promise I’ll never doubt you again, never,” I vowed. My legs wobbled so I sat down on the edge of the bed as my breathing hitched with a sob.

“Ellie—” The way he said my name, so soft and tender, just like he used to say it, made my insides churn. “We wouldn’t have worked anyway, we’re so different, things would have fallen apart eventually. We’re not right for each other at all.”

“Yes we are!” I protested. “I love you. Just meet me at the airport at one o’clock, please? I’ll meet you there. We can go away and work this out,” I choked out.

“No. Move on and get over it. Your time with the bad boy has ended.”

The line went dead, and I whimpered as I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the pain of it. This was all so sudden that I could barely take it in. Last night we had been all set to go and start a new life, and today he’d changed his mind and slept with someone else. My mind was whirling as my heart fractured into a million pieces. The phone dropped out of my hand and I flopped back on the bed, curling into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest as I sobbed for the future with him that I wanted so desperately.

* * *

I just lay there for what felt like hours. My tears eventually dried up, but my breathing didn’t really return to normal as I stared at the ceiling and went over everything that had ever happened between us. Once I’d gained a little control over myself, I’d sent him several texts asking him to meet me at the airport, telling him that I wasn’t giving up on us and that I was confident we could make it work. Of course, he didn’t reply to any of them.

In the painful solitude of my bedroom, I started to wonder if he ever even loved me in the first place. He was right, we were so different—he got off on stealing cars, and I was a stupid cheerleader in high school. People like us weren’t well matched at all. Maybe we were doomed from the beginning.

When my bedroom door burst open, I couldn’t bring myself to move. The mattress bounced a little as Kelsey settled herself on my bed, sitting cross-legged and smiling down at me. “Dad says get up, sleepyhead, we’re waiting for you so we can eat breakfast,” she sang.

I forced a smile. I couldn’t tell my family what had transpired this morning. I was clinging to the fragile hope that Jamie would reconsider and we’d just go away for a couple of weeks to get a fresh start. I couldn’t very well tell my parents that he’d cheated on me and basically ripped my heart to pieces, because then if he did change his mind, they wouldn’t let me go with him anyway. So, for now, I needed to try to keep my heartbreak hidden. That was going to be easier said than done, though, because my throat hurt, my eyes stung, and my head ached because of all the crying. If I looked in the mirror, I was sure to see a red, blotchy mess looking back at me.

I cleared my throat before speaking, trying not to wince as it scratched and cracked. “I’ll be down in a minute, okay? I’m just gonna jump in the shower. Tell Dad to go ahead and make breakfast, I’m not really hungry anyway.”

Kelsey’s eyes narrowed. “Have you been crying?” she asked, reaching out and touching my cheek.

I laughed humorlessly and pushed her hand away. “Kinda,” I admitted. “I’m just a little sad that I won’t get to see you guys for a while. I’m gonna miss you.”

She grinned then, nodding enthusiastically, obviously buying into my complete lie. “Mom’s crying too, but she’s pretending like she’s fine and that she has something in her eye.”

My mom was crying over me leaving? I didn’t quite know how to feel about that after the moment we’d had last night while packing. Though maybe I was just fooling myself, the woman probably did have something in her eye …

I took a deep breath and pushed myself up to sit. “Go eat then. I’ll be down in half an hour.” I nodded toward the door and she grinned, immediately jumping up. I smiled at her back as she skipped out of the room, humming quietly to herself. I was really going to miss them all, that wasn’t a lie. But I guess there was a pretty good chance now that I wouldn’t be going after all, so there would be no need for me to miss them. That thought made me whimper and my chin tremble, so I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before heading into the bathroom.

* * *

Breakfast was … awkward. My mom was indeed crying, but pretending she had dust in her eye and that her allergies were acting up. My dad was watching me with a sad smile on his face. Luckily for me, gullibility must run in my family because they didn’t push my car-crash-of-a-face issue too far once I told them my lie. I forced the food down, almost retching on each mouthful because my stomach was tied in knots.

After breakfast, I looked at the clock. It was only just before ten. Had it really been less than four hours since he’d called? It felt like an age had passed while I was alone in my misery.

I didn’t need to leave for the airport until twelve thirty, so I still had a couple of hours to kill. I couldn’t sit around here, though; it was driving me insane because each minute felt like an hour. My mind went to Jamie again; I really needed to see him. He still hadn’t responded to my texts to say if he was going to come to the airport and give us another go. I wasn’t expecting him to, but the waiting and not knowing if he’d even read them was killing me slowly. I decided to go and see him, go to his place and pray that he was there and not with some girl, as he’d claimed he was. A small part of me was still holding on to the hope that he was making that up to try to hurt me.

I made my excuses to my parents, telling them I had a couple of friends to say good-bye to before I left, and then made the short drive to his apartment. My hands were shaking the whole time. By the time I got there, I was a mess and my tears were falling again.

I trudged up to his apartment with heavy legs and an even heavier heart. I wasn’t even sure I was strong enough to look at him in case he told me right to my face that it was over. I didn’t want to see his beautiful face when he crushed me beyond repair. But I knew I had to do this and try to convince him not to give up on us. Raising my hand, I knocked on the door a couple of times. When he didn’t answer I put my head against the wood and closed my eyes.

Had he seriously stayed out last night with a girl?

My hand fumbled in my pocket, pulling out my keys and finding the one for his apartment. He’d given it to me a couple of weeks after he moved in, when I’d started staying here a lot. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t appreciate my using it now, but that didn’t stop me from slipping it into the lock and pushing open his door.

I couldn’t breathe as I stepped across the threshold. Everything looked exactly the same as it had the previous night. I glanced toward the sofa, swallowing my sob when I thought about the intimate moments we’d shared there last night. I would remember that forever. I could practically still feel his skin against mine, still hear our breaths tangling together as he made love to me. Everything had been so perfect, so tender and intimate, but now, as I stood here alone, the memory of it was taunting me.

Tearing my gaze away from the sofa, I let my eyes roam his apartment; the place was bare, as I expected it to be. Holding my breath, I crept toward his bedroom and peeked in. His bed was empty, still made, and hadn’t been slept in. I’d come over here wanting to see for myself if he was lying to me about the girl, but now that I knew he hadn’t spent the night here I wished I didn’t know at all.

Pain made my whole body feel weak as I started to accept the fact that he’d cheated. The funny thing was that it didn’t make me love him any less; I still wanted to be with him and work this out. Usually I despised girls like me when I watched them on TV or read about this kind of situation in a book. I’d always shaken my head and wondered how they could be so weak as to let a man treat them that way and still come back for more—but now I knew why they did. The saying “love conquers all” made perfect sense to me in that moment.

My breath came out in one big gust as I stepped into his room, almost tripping over his suitcase, which was propped next to the door. One of his favorite hoodies was tossed on the foot of his bed so I stooped and picked it up, pressing it to my face and taking in lungfuls of his delicious smell.

“Stop behaving like a stalker, Ellie,” I muttered to myself, throwing the hoodie back onto the bed. “And now you’re talking to yourself. Really, get a grip, woman.” I shook my head at myself and turned, heading into his kitchen to find what I was looking for. When I had the pen and paper, I scribbled a note to him.

I frowned as I looked down at the paper. There were so many things that I wanted to say to him, so many unspoken words that I didn’t know how to phrase properly. Hopefully he’d give me the chance to say them later on. I scribbled an extra kiss on the end before I headed back to his bedroom and balanced the note on top of his suitcase so that he’d see it and hopefully grab the case and run out the door. I sighed deeply, praying it would happen just like that. I refused to fully accept that this was over.

Fiddling with my keys, I disconnected his from the bunch and set it on top of my note. I turned and was just about to walk out when I decided that I could probably cross the line a little more. So before I left, I grabbed his hoodie from the bed, and I slipped it on as I walked out, zipping it up around me. Maybe his smell would help me get through the next couple of hours without losing my mind.

As I closed his front door behind me I whimpered when I realized that the last time I’d walked out of his apartment, I’d had the perfect future all lined up. Last time I’d headed out of this place I’d been so happy that I’d practically skipped to my car. Now, my shoulders were slumped, my heart hurt, and I actually felt a little dead inside. As I forced myself to walk away from his apartment, I sent up a little prayer that he’d come home in time to see my note and would decide to give me another shot.

* * *

The hoodie didn’t help much. I still felt empty inside; tears were just making my eyes prickle the whole time I waited and spent the last of the time with my family. Stacey came over too; she was crying all over me, which didn’t help my jangled nerves. I still hadn’t told anyone, which was a feat in itself. The truth was bursting to come out of me, I wanted to confide in Stacey and have her tell me it was okay, but I couldn’t do that because I was still waiting to hear from Jamie.

My cell phone went off a couple of times, and each time my heart would leap into my throat as I immediately thought it was him, only to be disappointed when it was friends calling or texting to wish me a safe journey.

When it was finally time to leave and the cab driver had loaded all of my cases into the trunk, I stood on my front lawn, bidding a teary farewell to my parents, sister, and Stacey. I’d spun a lie that something had come up with Jamie’s family so he was meeting me at the airport instead of picking me up. Again they bought the lie, obviously having no reason to doubt me or him. As we hugged, my mom lost her battle against the dust in her eye and all-out sobbed, begging me to write often and call. I swallowed, trying to remain in control, trying not to think about the fact that if Jamie didn’t turn up at the airport I’d be hailing a cab home again in a couple of hours. My good-byes were shadowed with grief as in the back of my mind all I could think about was him and the last words he’d said to me on the phone.

After I’d hugged everyone a billion times and made watery promises to call as soon as we landed, I finally got to climb into the solitude of the cab. As the driver sped us away from the house, I didn’t look back; instead, I pulled out the tickets that I had in my carry-on luggage and looked at the names printed on them.

“So, where you off to?” the driver asked.

I looked up to see him smiling at me politely in the rearview mirror. “Um … all over. Rome first, but my boyfriend and I are planning on backpacking around for a bit.” I noticed how my voice trembled on the word boyfriend.

He nodded. “Sounds great. I went to Rome once—” I tuned out as he started telling me about all the sights I needed to see when we got there. I nodded along, pretending to listen as he drove. Thankfully, he was one of those cabbies who rambled on and on with no real interaction needed from me, so I got away with not really listening to him.

When we pulled up outside the airport, I dug in my purse and paid the fare before pushing open the door and stepping out. Dread washed over me as I looked at the bustle of JFK airport. People were walking in and out in a constant stream, but I couldn’t really see their faces. Nothing seemed to matter to me apart from the fact that none of them was Jamie. Something bumped my leg, so I snapped out of my daydream and looked around to see that the friendly cabdriver had gotten me a cart and had already loaded my luggage on for me.

I smiled gratefully as a wave of loneliness washed over me. I’d never been to this kind of place alone before; I had no idea where to go or what I had to do. “Thanks.”

He nodded. “No problem. Have a great time, and remember what I said about the Colosseum,” he called as he headed back around to his side of the cab. I nodded in agreement but actually had no idea what he’d said about it at all.

After standing on the curb for a couple of seconds plucking up my courage, I lifted my chin, gripped the handle, and pushed the luggage cart into the airport. Jamie would turn up, I knew he would. He was an incredible person, and he’d give me a second shot, I was sure of it.

As I walked in, I gulped. I’d forgotten how enormous the airport was; I had no idea how Jamie would even find me when he did arrive. I decided to stay fairly close to the terminal entrance just in case. Maneuvering myself over to the side, I took a seat on one of the hard metal chairs, discreetly checking the monitors to see that our flight was still on time and that we had to check in at gate A3. There was still an hour before check-in closed for our flight; he had plenty of time before we had to go through security.

My eyes scanned everywhere. Every time I saw a guy walk past who had brown hair, my heart took off in overdrive, only to be disappointed over and over. I chewed on my lip as a middle-aged couple sat down in the empty seats next to me; both of them were grinning and laughing, obviously happy to be going on vacation. Their happy smiles made me die a little inside while I was waiting there for a guy who might not even turn up.

I could imagine the looks on my parents’ faces when I returned home today. I could practically hear the sympathetic words of support that would mean nothing because of the heartbreak I’d be feeling.

One o’clock came and went. After what felt like forever waiting and watching the clock, my heart sank when they appealed over the loudspeaker for any remaining passengers on our flight to go to the check-in desks. Realization suddenly washed over me; it was like someone dumped a bucket of cold water in my face. He really wasn’t coming. I’d built my hopes up, planned my life with him, I’d sat here totally expecting him to show … and he wasn’t going to. I was a fool, a complete heartbroken fool.

Putting my head in my hands, I bent forward and sobbed like I had never sobbed before. It was over, just like he said. I was alone. I’d blown it; my one chance with the adorable, beautiful boy and I’d completely blown it because I hadn’t trusted him. I deserved this, I deserved to be alone.

Everything else seemed to fade away as I cried and cried. No one offered me support—or if they did I didn’t hear them through the sound of my grief crashing in my ears. I gripped my hands in my hair, welcoming the sharp pain in my scalp so that I could try to focus.

I sniffed loudly, swiping roughly at my face, drying my tears as people around me stared openly with a mixture of sympathy and nervousness. I guess my sudden outpouring of tears scared them or something; I couldn’t bring myself to care.

His words on the phone earlier were replaying over and over in my head: “I don’t love you enough to give up my life for you.” Why had I let myself hope that he would come? Why had I pretended to everyone this morning and carried this pain around on my own? Why had I fallen so in love with him that it felt like my world was crashing down around me right now? It was like I’d fallen into darkness, a dark and ugly place that I didn’t want to be in but had no way of escaping. A weight was pushing down on my chest, making it hard to draw breath as the devastation and hurt just kept building and building the more I thought about it.

Home. I need to go home.

Just as I gripped the handle of the cart, ready to stand and go hail a cab so I could cry myself to sleep, a hand touched my shoulder.

“Ellie?”

Relief washed over me. I took a deep breath and turned in my seat, the stress and tension leaving my body because his being here obviously meant that I got another shot, a second chance, and there was no way I was wasting it. Jamie and I were meant to be together, and I’d prove that to him.