Let myself fall
There’s so much to gain.
Let myself fall
Past the fear and the pain.
Let myself fall
It’s out of my hands.
Beyond my control
I don’t care if I land.
--Ataxia
Mac
Rex is dragging me through the expanse of Jonah and Raven Slade’s enormous house, and I’m giggling like a damn teenager. Having him touch me, show interest in me at all, is something I never dreamed would happen. I don’t remember the last time I felt this kind of happiness. No, not happiness—joy.
We move through to the kitchen where Raven is perched on the counter and Layla’s on a barstool and they’re diving into a plate full of nachos.
“Ladies, thanks for the hospitality, but I’m taking Mac out.” He’s smiling one of those smiles that I’ve seen him aim at his friends.
Layla coughs as if she choked on the cheekful of whatever she was eating. Once she catches her breath, her eyes find mine. “No problem. She’d probably have more fun with you anyway. We aren’t getting much done here beyond stuffing ourselves into a food coma.” In the brief moment that Rex turns his head, she winks at me.
When I first met Layla, she’d assumed I had feelings for Rex. At the time, I wasn’t sure if she was interested in him or not, so I did what I do to every girl in the bar who asks me about him. I told her he was taken. It wasn’t completely a lie. I mean he’s not exactly free with all the shit he has to deal with on a daily basis. At least, that’s how I justify it.
“Where are you guys going?” Raven’s gaze moves back and forth between us with concern. She cares about Rex.
This is the closest thing to family he has. I understand their desire to protect him. More than anyone, I understand.
What started as a need to alleviate the guilt turned into an obsession to be near him and, now, an undeniable, unconditional, all-consuming love for him.
My heart leaps in my chest. I’ve always loved Rex. But ever since the night he woke me up from a nightmare, I felt a shift. Like sliding a lock into place, we bonded in that moment. Forever.
“Mac?” Rex’s voice is close to my ear. “Did you hear Layla?”
I look at Layla, whose smile falls when I face her head on. “What?”
She narrows her eyes. “Nothing important. Just . . . call me tomorrow.”
Rex turns to say goodbye to Jonah as he walks into the room, and Layla mouths, “Are you okay?”
A quivering excitement builds in my stomach. I nod and smile so big my teeth get cold.
She points at me hard and mouths, “I knew it.”
We stifle our giggles, and I look over to see Raven smiling, having probably caught on to our semi-silent conversation.
I grab my jacket while Rex makes a quick stop off at the bathroom. After a few more good-byes and a very put-off look from Caleb, we head out to Rex’s truck. He opens the door for me just as he did the first night. He prowls around the front of the truck to the driver’s side, and I keep my eyes on him as he climbs in.
“Where to?” He fires up the truck and looks at me.
His bright blue eyes stand out in contrast to his dark hair, and his skin is the perfect color as if he’s just spent a few days at the beach. Pretty. And just like that the memory of what Rex being so pretty meant for him as a child comes rushing back.
“Mac, baby, you okay?”
“Huh?” He’s called me baby before, and just like the first time, I’m struck stupid.
A soft but worried smile plays across his lips. “You keep zoning out.”
He doesn’t know of our history; if he did, I’m sure he’d find his mind wandering off to the past. Will I ever be able to spend time with him without going there? Maybe if I just tell him, get it all out so that we can move past it, maybe then things will get easier.
“Shit.” Rex rubs his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “You’re into Caleb.”
“What! No!” On instinct, my hand moves to rest on his thigh. “Rex. No. I don’t want Caleb.”
His blue eyes search mine.
“I’m . . . I’ve got a few things on my mind, but they have nothing to do with me not wanting to be here with you.” I squeeze his leg and a tight hiss leaks from his lips. Afraid that I’d hurt him, I pull my hand back. His eyes stay fixed on the place where my grip held his leg. “Rex, I’m sorry. I—”
His hand darts out to grab mine and he pulls hard, tugging my upper body over the center console. Our lips meet in a hungry kiss. The metal ring on his mouth bites into my flesh. His tongue lashes against mine, stirring my blood in a violent rush. I shove my weight up and over, needing to feel more of him. The warmth of his chest brushes against my nipples, sending shockwaves of need down my torso.
On a quest to consume him, I rasp my teeth against his lower lip and bite. He groans and tangles his hands into my hair. My scalp stings as he pulls me back. He wants me to slow down, or ease off, but I’m not in control anymore. The culmination of everything I’ve ever felt for Rex is crashing together, whirling around in a chaotic tornado of need. I delve in deeper, pressing myself against him until my breasts ache. My hand roams his body. The soft cotton of his shirt feels like sandpaper to my over sensitized palm. I push the fabric up to slide my hand beneath it. I’m met with the warm solid muscles of his abdomen. So hard and smooth like—
“Fuck!” He pushes me back so hard that I drop down into my seat and my shoulder knocks against the door. “I can’t.” Burying his head in his hands, he scrubs them through his hair.
I’m breathing heavy, trying like hell to understand what just happened. “I’m sorry. Did I . . . What did I do?”
He sits back and fists the steering wheel so tight it squeaks under the pressure. “I don’t—Fuck.”
I reach out and rest my hand on his back, hoping to comfort him, but he jerks away. I tuck my hand in my lap and curl around it as a bitter wave of rejection washes over me.
“I really like kissing you.” His voice is so quiet that if I weren’t paying close enough attention I would’ve missed it.
“Is that bad?” All I want to do is fix it, make whatever he’s going through better. Take his pain away.
“It is for me.”
Finally he turns toward me, and I fight the urge to recoil at the war raging behind his eyes. Every instinct tells me to pull him into my arms and hold him, but he threw off my touch earlier, and I don’t want to make things worse.
“That kiss was different from the others.” He turns away from me, looking out the window.
Different how? I guess I was a little more aggressive than I was the other times we kissed. Up until the hallway, our kisses have been nothing more than soft pecks. My mind goes back to the kiss at Jonah’s. He pushed me back against the wall, pinning me there with his hips. What was so different about then and now? Other than . . . I was the aggressor. He felt attacked, and considering what he’s been through . . .
I gasp then quickly cover my mouth. The sound and movement draws his eyes back to me.
“Rex, I’m sorry. Everything happened so fast and I wasn’t thinking. My feelings just took over and I lost control.” My words are rushed as they pour from my lips with the hope that they’ll make him stay. “I need to be more careful with you. I understand that now. It won’t—”
“Careful?” The blues of his eyes almost disappear between the tight slits of his lids. “Why do you say that?”
Dammit, I’m fucking it all up!
My head is a jumble of shit, half scrambled from the kiss and half desperate for the right words. “Things are moving too fast.” I force myself to sound casual even though I’m feeling anything but. “You’ve saved me from a dark alley, kept me from slipping into a coma after I got cold-cocked by a biker, and rescued me from a supply room.”
Recognition clears some of the pain from his eyes at the mention of the supply room.
A small smile pulls at my lips. “All that and we haven’t even been on a date.”
The sides of his lips tick up, and he blinks away the last of the hurricane of emotion he wore on his face.
I tap my lips with my forefinger. “You know I’m pretty sure every good superhero takes the girl out after he rescues her.”
“That’s not true. You’re watching the wrong cartoons.”
“Yeah, you may be right, but in my fairytale he does. That would mean you’d owe me . . .” I make a show of counting on my fingers. “Does you saving me from Caleb count?”
He blinks and shakes his head. “I didn’t save you from Caleb.”
“Ah, but you will.” I lean forward to whisper, grateful to see that he leans in to listen rather than away. “I gave him your phone number instead of mine.”
He turns to me, and this time there’s no hint of a smile or shadow of humor. This time he’s grinning so big that I can see all his teeth and the cute way his eyes crinkle at the sides. “No shit?”
He falls back into his seat, his chin tilted high as the deep bass of his rolling laughter bounces around the truck cab. My eyes fall shut, and I allow myself a few seconds to bathe in the beauty of the sound. When I open them again, he’s still chuckling and looking straight ahead.
“Caleb’s going to be shocked when he calls to hear your sweet voice and gets mine.” With the truck still idling, he knocks it into drive.
Did he just call my voice sweet? My stomach flips and there’s a warm swell in my chest.
“Wait a minute.” He turns toward me. “How do you know my phone number?”
Uh-oh.
I clear my throat, thinking fast. “I uh . . . got it from Mario after the whole flat-tire thing. I was going to call you to apologize for . . . you know, but decided it needed to be done in person.”
“Really?”
No, I stole it from Mario six months ago and sometimes call just to hear your voicemail. “Yeah.” I give my most convincing smile.
He shrugs and doesn’t look too concerned about the fact that I not only have his phone number but that I also have it memorized.
“About that date.” He pulls out of Jonah’s long driveway and into the neighborhood. “Do you like rollercoasters?”
And with that simple question all the tension is gone. “Hell yeah, I do.”
~*~
Rex
That was close. I almost broke down and told Mac everything. Confessed that I have issues with sex and that I only hook up with sluts that’ll take what I give and then walk away and that I never hook up with a woman without alcohol as a barrier between what my body has to accomplish and how my thoughts respond. At least, until Mac.
Thank God she didn’t push the issue. I’m not sure why she didn’t. Instead, she diffused the whole conversation by redirecting it to our date.
She says I’m the one doing all the rescuing, but she took a hit for me once, and then another by changing the subject of our conversation.
“Are we going to the strip?” She looks out her side window to the Las Vegas landmark just off the freeway.
It’s not dark out, but even under the sun, the strip stands out against the bland desert backdrop.
“Yeah, I’ve ah . . . There’s a place I go to, and I thought you might like it.” My face heats at how awkward it feels to share this part of me with another person. I have two sides, the public side that acts for a crowd of screaming fans whether that’s from a stage or a cage and the darker side that I keep to myself. Most of the guys I’m close to have seen glimpses of my fucked-up psyche, and the few hookers I’ve paid for relief have witnessed the aftermath of it, but to willingly bring a person in on it? Yeah, this is new.
“Sounds intriguing.”
“I figure if you ride a motorcycle then you’re a bit of a thrill seeker. We’ll see how brave you are on Insanity.” I’m off the freeway and headed to the Stratosphere, which advertises the three most terrifying thrill rides in the world.
“Insanity? What is it?” She’s pressing her cheek up against the passenger-side window, trying to look up to the top of the casinos that are coming into view.
“It’s a ride that hangs you 1,000-feet high facing the street and spins you ’til you puke or pass out.” I bite down on my molars, waiting for the screaming girl freak out.
She turns to me, her eyes wide. Yep, here comes the freak out.
“Fuck yeah!” She bounces in her seat like a damn kid. “Let’s do it!”
What the hell? “Really? You’re down?”
“Are you kidding me?” Leaning forward, she looks up through the windshield. “Are we close?”
I point out my side window to the Stratosphere in the distance. “Over there.”
She crosses the center console with her torso in order to look out my window. The intoxicating tropical smell of her hair is so close I hold back the urge to grab a fistful and bury my nose in it.
Before I get the chance, she sits back in her seat. Her hand flies to her belly and she smiles. “I have butterflies.”
I’ve seen the tough side of Mac, the tomboy who jumps in front of bikers, the scared shitless side at being locked in a room alone, and even the softer side after a bad dream, but this side, the cute childlike excitement, is my favorite so far. There’s an innocence to her now that I envy—a carefree joy that I’ve only seen in others but can never remember feeling.
We pull up to the lobby of the Stratosphere. By the time I’m finished dealing with the valet, Mac’s already out and waiting for me by the doors. She’s grinning and bouncing on her toes.
“Let’s go.” I smile and grab her hand to lead her through the hotel casino, bypassing the ticket counter.
She pulls back against my hold, resisting. “Tickets.” She points to the sign that clearly states we need tickets to the tower and rides. “Don’t we need to buy them here first?”
“Nope.” I tug her hand and move toward the bank of elevators. “They know me here. I come a lot, so I pay monthly and they let me do whatever I want.”
She stops us again. “Oh, well here.” Reaching into the small purse she has hung diagonally from one shoulder to her hip, she pulls out some cash.
I shake my head. “Not takin’ your money, Mac. Put that shit away.”
“No, it’s okay.” She shakes the wad of green at me. “Take it. You don’t have to pay—”
I cup her jaw, pressing my thumb against her lips. Fuck, just the feel of them on my finger makes me want to taste them again, but I need to keep this friendly, more for her sake than mine. “Shhhh. Please, no more talk of you paying.”
She nods and puts her money away.
“Atta girl.” It takes all my effort to pull my hand from her face to avoid getting lost in her wide eyes, which are begging for more. Fuck, I need to reel in my shit. A few moments of silence pass between us.
We move again toward the elevator, but a few yards away, she stops again. What now?
“Mac.” I turn toward her to see her cheeks flushed and her eyes wide and fixed on the elevator doors.
“What is that?” Her hand in mine is clammy.
“Elevators to the top. That’s where the rides are.”
“Oh, yeah. Right.” She shifts on her feet. “Can we take the stairs?” There’s a shakiness in her voice.
Stairs?
“Hey.” I tighten my hold and search her eyes. “You change your mind? We can do something else if you want.”
Her gaze darts to the elevator doors. “No, I want to go but, um . . .” She locks eyes with mine. “I hate elevators.” A weak smile pulls at her lips.
First hospitals and now elevators. What that’s all about?
“It’s a quick ride to the top. I’ll be right there with you.”
My reassurance seems to relax her a little. I lead her up the last few steps to the doors and press the arrow-up button.
She clears her throat. “How many levels to the top?”
“Over one hundred.”
Her head whips around, eyes on mine, and the pale brown sparks with panic. “One hundred?”
I turn to face her head on. “Walk through your fears. You’ll realize it’s not as bad as you think.” It’s good advice, but very seldom works for me. “You’ll be fine. Promise.”
Her expression softens. She takes in a deep breath and nods.
A ding sounds from the elevator and the doors slide open, letting out a group of giggling, flushed-faced teenagers. Her grip on my hand tightens, but only slightly.
“Tom, what’s up, man?” I give the elevator attendant a chin lift that I’m sure he misses as his eyes are glued to the strikingly gorgeous and visibly nervous girl at my side. The way he’s eyeing her would probably piss me off if the dude didn’t look like someone’s grandpa.
I tuck her to my side and move into the elevator. She tenses, dragging her feet, but manages to get inside.
“Rex.” He gives her a polite nod of his head. “I see you’re doing well.” The corners of his lips curl.
“Been good.” I’ve never brought a chick with me. I’m sure I’ll be hearing about this next time I come back alone. “Take us to the top.”
“Sure thing.” Tom hits the right buttons, and we begin our ascent to the top of the Stratosphere.
Mac curls a little deeper into my side.
“The elevator is traveling at twenty miles per hour.” Tom swings his gaze to Mac. “Don’t be surprised if you feel it in your ears.”
I almost grin when right on cue Mac yawns and pushes on her ears.
“Observation deck,” Tom says just before the elevator dings and the doors slide open. “See you on the way down.”
We step out and she whirls toward me, a grin lighting her face. “That wasn’t bad at all.”
I shrug. “Told you.”
“It was fast.” Her voice is laced with excitement.
My teeth pull at my lip ring to keep from grinning at the pride of her accomplishment.
I follow her to the observation deck with floor-to-ceiling glass, and she oohs and ahs over the view. This time she pulls me toward the elevator that will take us the last few levels to the rides on top.
Within minutes, we’re sitting side by side on Insanity, waiting for the rest of the ride to get loaded with people.
This is the kind of shit I live for—the rush that reminds me I’m alive. And having this experience with Mac is as nerve-wracking as it is thrilling. I’ve never shared this part of myself with anyone, and doing it feels better than I thought it would.
The ride kicks in, and she kicks her legs, releasing the most feminine squeal I’ve ever heard. “This is awesome!”
I’m entranced, watching the pure joy and excitement radiating from her expression: intoxicating, inspiring, and so fuckin’ beautiful it makes my chest hurt.
What the hell is this girl doing to me? Something shifts inside me, a slight movement that should be so obvious and yet I have no clue what the fuck. All I know is that being around Mac is like a drug. One hit was just enough to get me jonesing for more.
A lot more.
~*~
Mac
“That was amazing!” I’m jumping up and down, shaking out my hands from the adrenaline rush of hanging off the top of the Stratosphere next to Rex.
“You liked that, huh?” He’s so relaxed, as if he just rolled off a massage table rather than a high-speed extreme ride.
“Like it? I loved it!” I grab his forearm. “Let’s do it again.”
He tilts his head, flashing a crooked smile. He’s not jerking away from my touch, and if I thought he’d let me, I’d lean in and suck his bottom lip into my mouth. This is the most relaxed I’ve seen him since our encounter in Jonah’s hallway, and I don’t want him retreating on me again, so I keep my advances to myself.
“That was only a warm up.” He jerks his head toward the direction of a platform surrounded by bars and cables. “You game for bigger and better?”
I don’t know what he’s talking about, but there’s nothing I’d say no to when it comes to Rex. “I’m always game when it comes to you.”
He blinks and his grin falls a fraction, but not as if he didn’t like what I said, more like he didn’t understand it. I stay quiet, allowing him a moment to process my words.
The urge to unload my secret wiggles its way to my forebrain. He needs to know who I am, and there’s a part of me that wants to tell him, hoping it’ll help me to move on from the guilt and shame I’ve been lugging around my entire life. All those years I thought he was dead, knowing that it was my fault for being so stupid. I was so damn young and naive. If I’d just done what I’d promised and gotten him out of there, then there’d be no secrets to hide, no shame to drag along. Being with him like this makes me want to unload all that heavy weight, throw it out there and revel in the freedom of unburdening. Fear, straight-up belly cramping, sweat-inducing fear has me biting down against the truth.
I told myself that I’d confess and beg for his forgiveness if I ever got the chance. And this is my chance. But what would my confession do to this? To us?
“Right, well . . .” His voice’s low and gravelly, like it is when he’s on stage. He dips his face close to mine. “Let’s see you back up that sweet mouth with a little action.”
Sweet mouth. My stomach quivers, and I press my knees together at the effect his words have over my body. He snags my hand and leads me back inside. After a short exchange with some of the staff who clearly know Rex well, we’re putting on jumpsuits and getting strapped into harnesses.
“I’m not bungee jumping off the top of the Stratosphere, am I?” Being on a thrill ride is one thing, but strapped to a cord and jumping from a building might be pushing my limits a little too far.
He’s in his gray jumpsuit and harness but still looks smokin’ hot and manly as hell. “Nope, no bungee.” He tugs on a few of my straps, making sure I’m secure, and the simple act warms my chest. “Just jumping.”
“Jumping.”
He nods.
“Off of the Stratosphere.”
He nods again.
“Landing?”
His deep blue eyes meet mine. “On the ground.”
“Oh God.” I tug at the straps that now feel suffocating. “Oh God, oh God, oh God.”
He hooks his fingers beneath my chin and pulls my eyes to his. “You’re gonna love it. Didn’t you ever dream about flying when you were a kid?”
My breath catches in my throat. As a kid, the only thing I ever dreamed of was Rex. “I guess.”
His eyes dance around my face, and I can’t help but feel as if he’s reading my thoughts. “The rush you’re about to experience—falling at forty miles per hour—it feels like flying.” The last word is spoken with such fascination I have to wonder if he dreamed of flying when he was a kid, escaping into the great expanse of the sky where no one can touch him, hold him against his will, keep him locked away.
“Whoa, hey, if you’re not ready for this, we don’t have to do it.” The tenderness in his voice combined with the way his eyebrows are dropped low tells me he’s actually reading my expression and confusing my thoughts for fear.
I sniff back my emotion and smile. “No, I’m good. Promise.”
He studies my face, not looking convinced. I smile bigger to alleviate his worry.
It must do the job because his expression relaxes and he smiles back. “I’ll go first, and when you jump, I’ll be there waiting. Don’t worry; I’ll catch you.” The way he whispered those last words as if he were sharing a deep secret to the meaning of life, settles my nerves. “You ready?”
I nod for fear that speaking may give away the emotion I’m feeling.
We walk out together, hand in hand, to the jump platform. He doesn’t look at me, only releases my hand and follows instructions. They hook a large cable on to the back of Rex’s harness and motion for him to the edge. He turns to look at me from over his shoulder and mouths, “See you at the bottom.” Then he’s gone.
On instinct, I rush forward, hands outstretched to snatch him back to solid ground.
The attendant pulls me back by my harness. “Whoa! Not yet. Wait ’til he’s on the ground.”
Seconds pass before I hear the static voice over the attendant’s walkie-talkie, saying that Rex is safely on the ground.
“All right, you’re up.”
I walk to the edge so that the toes of my boots are hanging off of a 1,000-foot drop. Every ounce of fear dissolves. Not a single wave of nerves or flutter of a butterfly. My mind is zeroed in one thing, getting to Rex.
And knowing he’ll catch me.
With the final okay from the attendant, I close my eyes. I open my arms wide and tilt my face toward the warm desert sun. With a deep breath, I bend my knees and push off. Swan diving forward, I free fall into nothing. My stomach rockets into my chest, igniting a furious rush of adrenaline. Madness unfurls within my body, but outside is quiet save for the rushing wind as it whips through my hair. Dropping, dropping, dropping in a peaceful descent.
He was right. It’s like flying.
I’m tugged down to the earth by gravity and the pull on my heart toward the one person who’s ever owned it. The tension on the cord slows my descent, but before I can open my eyes to see how close I am to the ground, I hit solid muscle, and two arms wrap tightly around my body.
I absorb the shock of his strength, and my arms lock around his shoulders as tight as they can. My hold on him is equal to his on me, and I vow right then that I’ll never let him be taken away from me again.
“You caught me,” I say, out of breath from the rush and the feelings that are strangling me.
“I told you I would.” His lips are so close I feel his lip ring against the shell of my ear.
The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I swallow them back along with a rush of emotion that’s threatening to burst the floodgates.
I love you, Rex.