She fills the empty space
Substitution, close to real.
I put on a happy face
But she’ll never be the girl.
--Ataxia
Rex
“Em, I gotta go.” I trail a few soft kisses up her neck to her jaw. “We’ll grab breakfast in the morning.”
“Mmm . . .” She nods and tilts her head to allow my lips more room to explore.
I smile against her neck. Being with Emma like this has been great for my therapy. She has no problem taking things slow, and I’ve been able to ease back into being physical with a woman.
After my fallout with Gia, the realization of what had happened to me, the guilt, shame, made me want to axe off my own dick. I needed a constant reminder of how dirty I am—a physical representation of my disease.
The piercing itself took seconds, but the feeling of a heavy barbell between my legs reminds me of what I’ll never do again. Where I’ll never go again.
She groans when I pull back from her neck.
“Will you ever stay over?” Her cheeks are flushed, her words breathless.
No. “Maybe.” I can’t tell her the truth. My body doesn’t respond to her the way it should. That’s why I like being with her. I don’t have to worry about getting hard just because she looks at me a certain way. There’s no fear of being overcome and throwing her facedown onto my bed to have my way with her.
With her, I’m safe.
She’s safe.
Content.
Happy?
“But I don’t understand.” She thrusts her fists down, punching the stiff cushions of the couch. “Your bed is, like, ten yards from mine. What’s the big deal?”
Her bed. Those two words hang heavy in the air and bring a wave of memories with them: sitting in this very spot, feeling as if I were going to claw my way out of my skin, Mac, like some gothic princess sound asleep, the sound of her nightmares and how she threw herself in my arms when she woke up.
My stomach tosses with guilt. Me. She was dreaming of me.
We were so close and I had no idea she was the little girl from my past.
Gia, my savior in the dark.
I wanted to remember so badly. I felt lost without the knowledge of my past. And now that I have it all back, I’d give it away tomorrow for the chance of one more night with Gia.
“Rex!” Emma grips my thigh and I jerk it from her hold. “What’s going on?”
I shake my head. “Nothing, I’m sorry.”
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but sometimes I get the feeling you’re, I don’t know, seeing someone else?”
“Em, no. I’m not seeing anyone else.” At least not physically. My heart is owned by another, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy with Emma.
She chews her bottom lip then looks up at me. “I thought guys were all about sex, you know? I mean we’ve been together now for a while and all we ever do is kiss.”
Fuck. When she puts it that way . . .
“I promise you I’d never hook up with anyone behind your back.” Frustration pricks at my nerves. I suppose I should’ve expected this sooner or later, but I’m not comfortable telling Emma about my past, not now, not fucking ever.
“What are . . .?” She narrows her eyes. “Wait, Rex, are you gay?”
Wrong. Question.
“Fuck you!” I shove off from the couch, my pulse rocketing in my ears.
“Oh, no, wait, I didn’t mean that.” Her eyes fill up with tears. “I’m sorry. It’s just—”
“I get it. You think because I’m not fuckin’ your brains out every day I must be gay.”
She jerks from my words. “No.”
“You’re right, Em. When I leave here, I have a string of women waiting who suck me off before bed.”
A sob rips from her throat.
“Why are you crying? It’s what you want to hear, right?”
“No.”
“But those are the categories a guy like me gets to choose from. I’m either a two-timing dick who fucks anything with a pulse, or I’m gay.”
“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to understand.”
“Understand what? I thought things were easy between us.”
“They are, but I want more.”
More. Fuck.
I sigh and study the coffee table. I can’t do more, not with her, maybe not with anyone. A voice in my head whispers that there’s one girl I’d give more to, but I chased her off.
“I’m sorry.” I look up at her and see the beautiful chestnut hair, the sweet face and innocent eyes. Clean. Good. Not a hint of crazy. She deserves better. God, what was I thinking? “Em, I can’t do more.”
She takes in a shaky breath. “Is it me? You’re not attracted to me or—”
“No. It’s me.” I have to give her something. She deserves something. But what? “Friends?” It’s shitty, but I mean it. I don’t want to lose her.
Her tear-filled eyes peer up at me, and a soft smile tilts her lips. “Sure. We’ll always be friends.”
My chest twists at the sincerity of her words. Damn, she’s a good woman, the total opposite of what I need.
I lean over, place a quick kiss on her forehead, then turn and walk away.
Once outside, the cool air slaps me in the face. I dig my hands into my hair and take a few deep breaths. It was the right thing to do. She may hurt now, but it’s better to cut things off before things get more complicated.
I thought having a relationship with Gia would be impossible. I mean how could I have a relationship with a girl who knows every intimate and shameful detail of my life? It would make things awkward at best. But maybe I was wrong.
Gia didn’t try to fight my demons, make them bow or wrestle them into submission. She embraced them, accepted them as part of me, loved me despite them, and arguably even loved them.
And it’s that love and acceptance that quieted them, soothed them, and kept them compliant.
After all, what is evil if it has nothing to fight?
~*~
“Thanks for coming out tonight.” I wipe the sweat off my forehead with a bandanna and shove it into my back pocket. “For those of you who’ve been listening to us play but don’t have a fucking clue who we are . . .” The crowd of over a thousand people erupts in cheers, chanting for one more song. “We’re Ataxia.”
The lights drop to dark, our cue to get off so that Five Finger Death Punch can take the stage.
The show was amazing. Playing The House of Blues has been a dream of ours and we’ve finally done it. We left everything we had up on that stage, and the place is begging for more.
I step down the steps and head backstage. Talon, Lane, and Ty follow me into our dressing room. I’m on such a high from the show I don’t notice the small group of girls standing off in the corner until their giggles give them away.
Groupies. Awesome.
Oh well, at least the guys will have fun. A few beers to come off the adrenaline rush and then home for a hot shower are the only things on my agenda for tonight. I pull a cold beer out of a trough-style bucket the bar set up for us.
“How’re you doing?” The feminine voice from over my shoulder sounds familiar.
I grin and turn around. “Trix, what’s up, girl?” I give her a quick hug. “I’m good. You?”
Neither of us says what we really mean. How are you without Mac?
She clicks her tongue and nods. “I’m good. Got a new roommate.” Her head jerks to the side, motioning to a girl who’s basically wearing underwear and high heels, talking to Talon.
“That’s good.” I take a long pull off my beer.
Her fingers sift through blond hair that is now adorned with a bright purple streak. “You?” She lifts one eyebrow.
“Nope. No new roommate.”
Her eyes grow tight. “You know what I mean.”
I shrug. “I’m good.” No, I’m not. I miss her. “You want a beer?”
“Sure.” She takes the fresh beer I offer and picks at the label. “Hatch was in town for a few days.”
“That’s too bad.” A grin tugs at my lips.
She chuckles and drops her gaze, pink coloring her cheeks. What the fuck? Trix embarrassed? “Yeah, uh, he mentioned . . .” She shakes her head and her shoulders slump. “Shit.”
A slow sickness spreads through my gut. “What?”
She doesn’t look at me. “I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t say anything, but—”
Lane steps up beside her and pulls her to his side. “Trix are definitely not for kids.”
He leans down to whisper something in her ear, and she fakes a smile, but worry paints her expression. She’s usually all bubbles and laughter, and watching her this uneasy makes me anxious. Something’s up.
“Lane, man, give us a minute?” I keep my eyes on Trix.
Her eyes go wide.
“Fine, you can start the night with him.” He smacks her ass. “But you’re ending it with me.”
If I wasn’t so worried about what was going on with her, I’d roll my eyes at the idiot.
After he walks away, I step in closer to Trix. “What were you saying about Hatch?”
She’s all over the place, shifting on her feet, eyes darting. “He was here for a few—”
“Cut the bullshit, Trix. You already told me that.” My muscles are tense and I could put my fist through a wall.
“He screwed up.”
“What does that mean?” I spit the question through clenched teeth.
She bites her lip and moisture glosses her eyes. “It’s Mac.”
My head gets light and my body sways. Hatch screwed up. It’s Mac. That could mean anything and everything and all of it bad.
“What. About. Mac.” The corners of my jaw pulse, and I imagine every kind of horror a man like Hatch is capable of.
“I didn’t know who else to go to.” The desperation in her voice cranks my pulse higher. “Hatch is on the run for some serious shit. He wouldn’t tell me what but said he had to disappear for a while.”
“Trix, I swear to God if you don’t start telling me what the fuck this has to do with Gia, I’m going rip this room apart.”
“Who’s Gia?”
I rear back and chuck my beer across the room. Glass shatters and the amber liquid drips down the wall. One of the guys yells “Rock-n-roll” and the girls whoop and holler.
Her eyes grow wide and she holds up her hands. “Okay, just hear me out before—”
“Talk right fucking now!”
“Hatch has been filling me in on how she’s doing.” The words pour from her mouth in a rush.
“And how the fuck would that asshole know how she’s doing?”
She rubs the back of her neck and cringes. “I think you know the answer to that.”
What? No. Gia’s with Hatch? The guy who fucking cold-cocked her in her own damn driveway? The biker piece of shit she can’t stand?
I groan and drop down into a nearby chair, counting the months since I last saw her. She’s been with him that entire time? Wait, he has to disappear? For what?
“Keep talking.” A growl rumbles behind my words. I need to hear more, but fuck, I don’t know if I can handle what she’s going to say.
“Mac’s been living at the MC Compound with Hatch. He had to take off, and he can’t let anyone know he’s disappearing or where he’s going. He stopped for an overnight in Vegas to pick up a little traveling money. That’s when he told me.”
Mac, my Gia . . . with him?
“The only reason he told me all this was because he’s worried about her. Guess she’s in pretty bad shape and he takes care of her.”
“I bet he fucking does.” Fucking piece of shit asshole. I hope he disappears in a dark dirt hole in the middle of nowhere.
Her hand rests on my knee, and I see she’s squatted down to my level. “I don’t know what Hatch did that has him running, but it’s bad.”
How could Gia trust a guy like him? Was she that desperate that she’d give any part of her life to a raging ass like Hatch?
I shoot up from my chair. “Where is she?”
She shakes her head and rises from her squat. “That’s the thing. I have no idea where the compound is. It’s like some fucking biker secret.”
My mind spins with ways to track it down and comes up blank.
“He never mentioned where he lived? Dropped hints?”
“Yes and no.” Her voice is serious, calling me from my shock. “You know who Hatch used to work for, right?”
“Don’t give a fuck.”
She huffs out a breath. “Well, you should.”
“He’s a drug dealer. That’s all I need to know to conclude the dude is bad news.”
She shakes her head and studies the floor. “I think he’s worse than that.”
“Who did he work for?”
“He worked directly under Dominick Morretti.”
My gaze darts to hers. “You sure?”
“Yes. He used to brag about it all the time. When Dominick was killed, Hatch bitched that he’d lose the compound.”
“You’re saying Morretti owns the MC’s hideout?”
“Owned it. But when he died—”
“Raven inherited it all.” I rub my eyes, thinking back to Jonah and Raven’s wedding reception. He hid his illegal activity in billions of dollars in real estate, most residential high-rises meant for the insanely rich. She got all his assets when he died, but sold them to fund Raven’s Nest. Shit!
“Trix, I need any information you can give me. Did he ever mention where he spends most of his time? Even a guess is better than starting with nothing.”
“My best guess? Colorado. He and the guys always talked about The Devil’s Hog. It’s a bar or hangout of some kind.”
“Colorado. Anywhere else he may’ve mentioned?”
She shakes her head. “No, but I’ll let you know if I hear anything.” A tear threatens to spill from her heavily made up eye. “One more thing. I don’t know if it’s important, but when he was here, he mentioned something that sounded off to me. He specifically said that she ‘depends on him’ and he was worried about leaving her.”
A woman like Mac would depend on no one. That’s a lie. It has to be.
“I don’t know what that means, Rex, but I’m afraid we don’t have a lot of time.”
Fuck!
I grab my keys and phone from my guitar box and pull on my black baseball hat. I’m halfway down the hallway when Trix’s high heels clack-clack behind me.
“Where are you going?”
I don’t know yet, but I’ll scour the country to find Gia if that’s what it takes. Urgency pushes me to a jog.
“Rex?”
“I’m bringing her home.”
~*~
I called Jonah on my way, so I’m not surprised to find him standing on his front step when I show up. It’s close to midnight. My chest warms for a flash at his show of friendship and loyalty, but quickly dies when I remember why I’m here.
I park and jog up to him. “Jonah, thanks for—”
“Anytime, man, you know that.”
“Raven up?”
“Sadie’s having a growth spurt, so she’s nursing every hour. Yeah, she’s up.” He motions for me to follow him inside. “Come on; she’s in the office.”
My feet are almost burning to run back and start yelling instructions, but getting my ass kicked by Jonah will only hold off my search.
“Baby, Rex is here.” Jonah announces our arrival into the home office and once inside I can see why.
Raven has her face inches from the computer, her hand clicking on the mouse. She looks up for a split second but goes right back to the screen. “Hey, I’m trying to find some real estate files I remember seeing on this disc. If that Hatchet guy worked for Dominick, there’s a good chance he funded the purchase of their compound or co-signed. He owned a ton of property and kept very detailed files.”
Her blue-green eyes bounce around the computer screen to the beat of every mouse click. Guilt turns my stomach. They’re willing to help me out, and they don’t have all the information. Yet.
I move into the room and pull up a chair next to her. “Before we do this, I need to tell you guys something.”
Jonah leans his hip against the desk on the other side of Raven, arms crossed over his chest. “What’s up?”
“Mac isn’t who you think she is.”
Raven and Jonah set eyes on me, waiting.
“She’s my foster sister from a long time ago, but she’s changed her appearance and her name, so I didn’t recognize her.”
Raven covers her mouth and looks up at her husband before swinging her gaze back to mine.
“About six months ago, when I found out she’d been lying to me, I”—I shrug—“I chased her off. Whatever trouble she’s in, it’s my fault.” I breathe through the stifling pain of the truth. “Fuck. She didn’t look the same. Mac looked nothing like the little redheaded girl I remember. Her real name is Georgia McIntyre. I don’t know—”
“What did you say?” Raven’s voice is cold. Her face drained of color.
Jonah reaches out holds her hand. “Baby?”
“I said I don’t know much about her except—”
“Her name.” Raven leans toward me, eyes intent. “What did you say her name was?”
I look at Jonah and he nods. “Georgia McIntyre.”
“Oh my gosh.” She cups her mouth and swivels her chair to a box behind her. Doubled over, she digs through file after file before pulling out a thick manila envelope. With shaky hands, she rips through its contents, pulling out stacks of papers.
She hands me a file folder. “Open it.” Standing, she curls into her husband.
What the hell is in this file that has her so freaked out?
I flip to the first page. My breath catches in my throat when I’m met with the familiar face of my past. Goose bumps race across the back of my neck. My heart bangs in my chest.
My Gia, the little girl with flaming orange hair and big gray eyes. Her full lips are a miniature size of what they’ve become, and her pale cheeks are flushed pink in her youth.
“How do you . . .?” I look up to Raven who is now folded into Jonah’s arms, her face pressed against his chest. “I don’t understand.”
“After he died, I got all his stuff. There were so many names: women and a few children. I assumed he kept tabs on the women who worked for him. I kept it for Raven’s Nest, just in case someone needed information. I don’t know. It sounds stupid, but all those names were attached to a life. It felt wrong throwing it out. You said red hair.” She shakes her head. “I recognized the name.”
“Ridley Mental Institution.” I flip through the pages and see a few hand-scribbled notes. “Delusional. Hallucinations. Psychotic?”
My chin drops to my chest as a wave of shame crashes over me. I called her all those things the night I realized who she was. I was so wrong. She’s no different from me, traumatized by a life she didn’t get to choose, the product of someone’s fucked-up idea of parenting.
But a mental institution? I struggle to connect the dots. In the picture, she doesn’t look much older than she did when I knew her. She had to have been committed by a guardian. But why? There are so many other ways to abandon a kid. Why lock them up?
At the back of the file, I find her information page. Georgia McIntyre. Age eight. Parents deceased. I rake my eyes down to the bottom of the page.
Committed by legal guardian.
Signature.
Dominick Morretti.
“What the fuck!” I drop the file and jump up from my seat. My hand darts out, pointing at the offending pages. “How . . .?” I shake my head.
Jonah grabs the file off the floor, and I watch in horror as his eyes follow the path mine just did. His face falls slack. Eyes wide. “Holy motherfucking shit.”
“Jonah?” Raven pulls the file from his hand, reads it, and within seconds, she’s folded deep into her husband’s arms. “How is that possible?”
“Don’t know, baby.” His eyes find mine and hatred for is wife’s birth father flames behind his eyes.
I’m stunned. Fucking floored. Dominick and Mac connected? And how in the hell did a scumbag dick like him become her legal guardian? From her evil-as-shit parents, into the disgusting world of an egomaniac pimp, off to a mental institution, and then into my arms? And Hatch? Damn. Here I thought I had it bad. I can’t even begin to imagine the things Gia has seen, how she’s suffered.
Probably suffers still.
“We need to find her.” If it’s not too late. Why didn’t I let her explain? She begged me to listen. I swallow the boulder of emotion that clogs my throat. “I have to bring her home.”
Raven pulls free of Jonah’s arms and resumes her place at the computer. She swipes at the rogue tears that slide down her cheeks. “Do you have any idea where we should be looking? Did Hatch ever mention a town, restaurant, highway number?”
I pull up the closest chair to look over her shoulder. “Trix mentioned Colorado, but she wasn’t sure. She also said she heard the guys mention a place called The Devils Hog.”
She clicks on something, rips out a disc, and pops in a new one. “Good enough, at least it’s a start.”
My shoulders ache with tension. What would I do had Trix not confided in me? If Raven and Jonah weren’t willing to help? I’d never find her. “Thanks for this, Rave, I—”
“I kept all this stuff, hoping that I might be able to use it to fix some of the damage that Dominick caused.” She shoots me a quick look from over her shoulder, the usual light of her unique blue-green eyes now cold and determined. “We’re going to find her, and then we’re going to turn in everyone responsible so they can’t hurt anyone else.”
Hurt? Is she hurt?
My knee bounces with the urgency to get to her.
I don’t know what Gia’s gotten herself into or why she’d end up hanging around a guy who split her cheek. The same biker dick and former henchman for the man who locked her up in a mental institution. My head spins with information. Too many questions, but all that I’ll make sure to get answers for when I find her.
After I hold her.
And kiss her.
And tell her I love her.