P-Nut

My brother’s betrayal didn’t bring me to tears. Cutting off my toes and losing a potential professional baseball career didn’t either. In fact, nothing had since I was about ten.

Joey’s speech and the crowd chanting welled my eyes with tears, though. I somehow managed to keep them from rolling down my cheeks, but that didn’t lessen my emotion. On that afternoon, I learned to respect her with a greater degree of admiration.

She wasn’t a strong woman.

She was simply strong.

I believed I trusted Joey prior to the poker run. After it was over, I had no doubt.

I stepped from the bathroom into the bedroom. Dressed in shorts and a loose-fitting tee, Joey was sprawled out on the bed with her arms spread wide. Upon hearing me, she tilted her head toward me. “I’m exhausted.”

I sat on the corner of the bed. “Makes two of us.”

“Can we go to bed early?”

“As soon as we’re done talking.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. Just have something I want to tell you.”

“But it’s not bad, right?”

“Depends on how you want to perceive it, I suppose.”

“Okay.”

“I haven’t told this story to anyone. Not Smokey, Crip, nobody. You’ll be the first.”

She sat up. “I’ll keep it a secret.”

I knew she would, that’s the only reason I could tell her. I clenched my fist and held it over the center of the bed.

She pounded it.

I gazed down at the floor and began. “When I was fourteen, I had a girlfriend. We were both freshman. We saw each during my freshman year and sophomore year whenever we could. We were young, and I couldn’t drive yet, but we were as close to inseparable as we could be. Had big plans, too. We were going to get married and have a house full of kids. My junior year, I started driving. We went everywhere together. Our plans grew bigger. I was going to be in the major leagues, and we were going to live in a house that looked over the ocean in the off season.”

I drew a long breath, held it for a moment, and then exhaled. “Then, the accident happened. She never said anything, but something changed. I could sense it. we stopped seeing each other every day, and the next thing I knew, we weren’t going out on the weekends. She claimed she loved me, but I didn’t see it. I trusted her, so I figured I’d give it time.”

I glanced at Joey. Her hands were covering her mouth and her eyes were puffy. She must have heard the emotion in the tone of my voice. Telling her wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. I pursed my lips and raised my index finger.

She gave a nod. “Go ahead.”

“It went on through my senior year, and never really got any better. We saw each other several times a week, and we said we loved each other, but I felt like it was one-sided. I blamed it on the accident, and told myself it’d get better. By the time I was a senior, I was the only one left at home. My three brothers were all in the military. It got a little better after school ended, but it was never the way it was before. One thing that always troubled me was that when my brother was home, she seemed to be unavailable.”

I looked at her. “And he came home every chance he got.”

She reached for my hand. I held her hand in mine, and continued, staring down at the floor the entire time.

“A couple of years passed with us claiming we were in love, but it was becoming obvious she wasn’t, and I was. Then, when I was twenty-one, my father died. Everyone came home for the funeral, and when it came time to leave, my brother took my girlfriend with him. They uhhm. They got married, and they’ve got kids now. So that’s…that’s why I’m not really good with trust.”

I looked at her. “But I want you to know this: I trust you. One hundred percent. I really do.”

“I’ve got two things to say.” She released my hand. “Maybe three.”

She wiped her eyes. “One. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. And, two. I was nine. It was my birthday. Mom and I were going to get a cake, and she stopped at the yellow light. She did that a lot. She was a really safe driver, especially when I was in the car. So, we sat there and talked, and listened to music. Boulevard of Broken Dreams, by Green Day was playing. I remember that. The light turned green, and we took off. Then, out of nowhere, some guy came flying through the intersection on our left. I saw him, but I didn’t really understand what was happening.”

She twisted her mouth to the side, exhaled, and then gazed blankly at the wall for a moment. I reached for her hand, and held it in mine.

“He uhhm. He hit the front of the car. Kind of the front, and kind of the side. It flipped us over. The uhhm. There was a fire. It uhhm. She. My mom didn’t…”

She began to cry. Within seconds, she was blubbering. Seeing her in such pain crushed me.

I pulled her to me and held her in my arms. “I’m so sorry.”

After sobbing for some time, she leaned away from me. Then, she wiped her eyes and exhaled. “She didn’t. She didn’t make it. It’s uhhm.” She patted her left leg with her hand and nodded repeatedly. “It’s how I…how I got this. And, it’s why I don’t…celebrate my uhhm. Birthday.”

“I know it’s not enough, but I’m sorry, Joey.”

In each other’s arms, we collapsed onto the bed. Silently, we remained still, staring up at the ceiling. During that time, it seemed I let go of what anger and resentment I’d held onto from the loss of a girlfriend and my brother, but I couldn’t be sure.

I turned to the side and tapped her on the shoulder. “You said there were three things. Is there another?”

She looked at me and nodded. “Yeah, there’s one more.”

“Okay. I’ve got one more, too.”

“You first,” she said.

“Ladies first.”

She let out a breath. “Don’t get mad.”

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“I’m not going to get mad.”

“Promise?”

“Why would I get mad?”

“Are you going to promise?”

“Okay. I promise.”

She looked at me and grinned. “Promise what?”

“I promise I won’t get mad.”

“Number three,” she said. “I love you.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. It was exactly what I was going to say. My mouth curled into a smile.

“That was my next one.” The four words that followed flowed from my lips readily. “I love you, too.”