Cholo

I had no idea how many teeth I was missing. Although at that point I don’t think it would have made much difference if they just would have taken every last one.

I had reached a point during their makeshift extractions that the pain I was feeling was replaced with a ringing in my ears. The ringing became incessant, but it was much more manageable than the alternative.

Sweaty, exhausted, and covered in my blood, they’d left with the promise of returning the following night for more torturous fun.

I’d been burnt, beaten, had my teeth pulled, and endured more pain than I would have expected any human being could possibly tolerate without dying as a result.

My eyes were swollen shut, my lungs were filling with liquid, and I barely had enough energy to turn my head to the side and spit out what blood drained into the cavities of my swollen cheeks.

I despised whoever took the money, but couldn’t force myself to imagine one of the Fuckers had done it, especially after Pee Bee and I had taken the time to explain how important it was that we leave it where it was.

I closed my eyes and prayed until there were no more prayers to say.

In one respect my prayers had been answered, but the answers provided weren’t in respect to my most recent discussions with God. They were prayers I’d said many, many years prior.

As the afternoon sun bore down on the storage building, the temperature inside increased to a point that it became difficult to breathe. The temperature, my exhaustion, and the loss of blood eventually made me delirious.

After spending several hours alone in the sweltering heat and silence, I began to lose touch with reality. An hour or so was spent laughing at nothing at all. Soon thereafter, I began to cry. Incapable of stopping, I cried about everything, and about nothing.

And then, the hallucinations began.

While fading in and out of a dream-like state, I had a revelation. Upon realizing it, I decided I was growing closer to meeting my maker with each tick of the clock.

I closed my eyes and began what was certain to be my last prayer.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to realize that I am a man with little self-worth. I lay here before you filled with shame for allowing myself to lack the confidence required to live a fulfilling life.

I waste hours each day lifting weights and exercising to attempt to perfect a body that I see as nothing more than disgusting fat.

I’ve lived a lifetime incapable of committing to women because I fear that any relationship I might attempt to play a part of will certainly crumble due to my inability to be a man worthy of my spouse.

I fear the commitment of a relationship due to the undeniable failure that is sure to follow. As a result, I believe I have caused damage to the woman I am growing to love, Alexandra.

I’ve fought so many other men that I am incapable of counting them, all in hopes of convincing myself that I was superior, better, more worthy, and more capable as a fighter – and as a man.

I’m sure all the things I have done as a result of my lack of self-esteem are miniscule in comparison to other things I’ve done under your watch, but I only ask that you take time to consider fixing these things within me, Lord, as the others aren’t able to be fixed, only forgiven.

There are rules that you have commanded that man make no effort to break, yet I broke them willingly, and wantonly, and I will break them again if given an opportunity.

You know, as I know, that each and every commandment that I have broken, I have broken with the belief that in doing so rids this earth of someone far worse than me.

As this day – and my life – come to a close, I ask that you consider the men who are destined to return, Lord.

If my fate is to die at their hands, allow me to die with dignity.

After I pass, I ask that you please consider Alexandra, my mother, my sister, and the fellas.

Please allow Alexandra to come to an understanding of how I truly feel about her. I further ask that you watch over her as she proceeds through life, providing her with a man who will care for her, admire her, and touch her with hands that are kind, caring, and compassionate.

I ask these things in your gracious name.

Amen.

I thought of Alexandra, and of living what little life I had left without seeing her. My thoughts soon migrated to her, and of her living a life without someone as willing to care for her as I was.

And I began to weep.