CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
“THERE’S NOT ENOUGH storage space.” Ryan slammed one door shut and dragged open another. “Murph Compton should be shot. He expects everyone to live in a damn rabbit warren, so that he can live in a mansion.”
“You’re describing my future home,” his grandmother said mildly, “and the storage space is perfect for my needs, providing you don’t break the doors before I move in.”
Ryan strode moodily across the small sunny kitchen and opened another door. What the hell had Emily meant when she’d said he’d confused Lizzy? “The contents of one of your kitchen cupboards would fill this whole place.”
“I’ve been clearing out. It’s called downsizing.”
“There’s no room for a toaster on that counter.”
“I didn’t realize you had such an emotional connection with my toaster, but if its welfare is that important to you, then, please, consider it a gift.” Agnes sighed. “What’s wrong, Ryan?”
“Nothing is wrong. I just can’t understand why you want to live here, that’s all.” He strode back through to the airy living room and tried to forget about the confrontation with Emily. The whole “cottage” would have fit into half the downstairs space at Harbor House. “Where are you going to store everything?”
“I don’t intend to store anything. I intend to declutter my life. Does the thought of that make you angry?”
He looked at her blankly. “What?”
“You’re angry.”
“No. Yes.” He thumped his fist against the wall. “She’s cut me out. She doesn’t want to see me again.”
Agnes eyed the wall and then her grandson. “I assume we’re talking about Emily.”
“She says it’s confusing for Lizzy. That she’s getting too attached.”
“I see.”
“Do you? Because I don’t.” It had been stewing inside him since the conversation a few days earlier. “Can you believe she didn’t call me when she was in the hospital?”
“I expect she didn’t want to bother you. You’re a busy man. A busy, single man.”
“You could have said that without the emphasis and the look.”
“Everyone has the right to make their own choices in life. You’ve made yours. You need to allow Emily to make hers. She’s a smart woman.”
Smart and sexy. “Damn it, she was on her own there. It must have half killed her to have Lizzy in the hospital and she didn’t call me.”
“Perhaps she didn’t feel that was the nature of your relationship.”
He eyed his grandmother, wondering exactly how much she knew about their relationship. “Lizzy was asking for me.”
“Was she?” His grandmother looked thoughtful. “That explains a great deal.”
“Does it?”
“She’s afraid the child will look forward to seeing you, and the next step on from that is expecting to see you, and you don’t want that, do you? It’s one thing to take a little girl on a boat trip when it fits into your day, but you don’t want to feel pressure to do it. Same goes for swimming, sailing, walking Cocoa and all those other things.” Agnes opened one of the windows to let air into the room. “Better not to do them at all. That way you can be sure of protecting your personal space and making sure you live life alone, the way you prefer it. No one is ever going to want anything, expect anything or demand anything of you. You’re free to go wherever the wind blows you.”
Ryan looked at his grandmother in exasperation. “You’re a conniving, manipulative—”
“I’m describing your life, Ryan. That’s all. The life you chose. The life you want. I don’t see how that makes me conniving or manipulative.”
“You’re trying to make me question my choices.”
“If it’s the right choice, then no one can make you waver. Take me as an example—” she stood back and looked around her “—you can tell me I’m making the wrong decision as many times as you like, but I’m not going to doubt myself even for a second.”
“Are we talking about my life or the house? Because if it’s the house, my opinion is that it’s a big step. You should take some time to think about it.”
“When you reach my age, you don’t waste precious time letting your brain talk you out of something your heart already knows is right.”
Ryan stared at her. “She made it sound as if I didn’t care. As if Lizzy doesn’t matter to me.”
“And does she?”
“Of course! I was as worried about Lizzy as she was. And I was worried about her.” And the thought of her, anxious and alone in the hospital with no one to support her had driven him demented when he’d been trapped. “I thought I’d proved that by flying through a storm to get to the hospital—a place, I might add, that makes me want to swallow alcohol in large quantities.” He paced to the other side of the room which, given the distance, didn’t do anything to relieve his tension. “Can we talk about something else?”
“You can talk about anything you like. I believe you were expressing your opinion on my new home.” The words were infused with patience and love, and Ryan felt a rush of guilt.
“I’m sorry.” He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose and sent her an apologetic look. “It’s been a stressful few days. First, Lizzy being sick—”
“Yes, that was a worrying time for the whole island. I know people were very relieved when Kirsti put that message up at the Ocean Club.”
“She had people asking her every two minutes.” His insides felt ripped and raw. He wondered if it was the hospital visit that had affected his mood so profoundly. “I guess I thought Emily and I were friends.”
“I’m sure you are. But Emily has been thrown into the role of mother and she’s trying to protect Lizzy.”
He knew how important that was to her, but he hated to think she saw him as a threat to Lizzy’s happiness. “I don’t see why I’m such a threat. Emily is planning on staying on the island, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I think she’s more concerned about your emotional presence than your geographical location.” His grandmother removed her glasses and tucked them into her purse. “Whereas you seem very concerned about my geographical location. Does it bother you where I live?”
“I guess I find it hard to imagine you living anywhere but Harbor House. You’ve lived there since—” He broke off, and she nodded slowly.
“Since your parents died. I know how long I’ve lived there, Ryan. My brain is perfectly fine. It’s my joints that aren’t behaving themselves. I moved in to that big old house because I had my four wonderful grandchildren to care for. You’d lost your parents, and I didn’t want you to lose your home, too. But things change. Needs change. This will be better for me. I can walk as far as Hilda’s cottage, and I know most of the people living here. I won’t have to rely on you and Rachel for lifts.”
“We don’t mind.”
“I mind. I already made you take too much responsibility in your life. I see that now. I made mistakes.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is true. You’d lost your parents. Your life changed overnight, and suddenly instead of riding your bike and your skateboard, you were reading bedtime stories and learning how to braid hair. And you did a fine job. It’s because of you that Rachel has kept her sweet, generous nature. You gave her the security she’d lost. You were there when she needed you, but you were a child, too, and you shouldn’t have had to take that on.”
Thinking of Rachel raised his stress levels. “She’s seeing Jared.”
“I know.”
“He’s a decade older than her.”
“I know that, too.” His grandmother straightened, rubbing her hand over her back. “She’s grown up, and you have to let her make her own decisions, even if some of those decisions aren’t the ones you would have made. Do you think I wanted to see you fly off to dangerous places? No.” It was the first time she’d ever voiced her feelings on the subject, and he realized how selfish he’d been back then, his one and only thought to get away and live his life.
“You never said anything.”
“Because it wasn’t about what I wanted, it was about what you wanted. And you wanted to see the world with nothing and no one holding you back. You had so much hunger inside you. There were so many things you wanted to do. When you left this island, there was a time when I wondered if we’d see you again. You were desperate for an adventure.”
“That didn’t end the way I thought it would.” He thought about Finn, who right at the end had decided the next adventure in his life was going to be home and family.
“When I visited you in that hospital I wished you’d chosen a different path. I went back home at night and cried, but then I pulled out every piece you ever wrote and reminded myself how important those stories were, and I realized that if people like you weren’t telling them, the rest of us wouldn’t know what was happening in the world. I’m proud of you. I probably don’t say that enough. You made the decision that was right for you.”
“Is this your way of telling me to butt out of your decision to sell the house?”
“Who said anything about selling the house?” Agnes walked to the window and stared over the sea. “Moving feels right. Selling doesn’t, and I’m in the lucky position not to have to take that step. I’m not selling Harbor House, I’m giving it to you.”
Ryan couldn’t have been more surprised if she’d told him she was taking up Zumba. “Me?”
“It’s a family house and I rattle around. And before you say anything, I’ve discussed it with the twins and Rachel. They all agree this should be yours. I’ve never been afraid of moving on, Ryan. You shouldn’t be afraid, either.”
“I’m not afraid.”
“No? I shouldn’t be interfering when I’ve just told you Rachel is a grown-up who can make her own decisions, but I’m going to anyway, because the truth is, I feel responsible.”
“Responsible for what?”
“For the fact that you don’t have a family.”
Ryan straightened his shoulders. “How can you be responsible? That’s my choice.”
“Do you think I don’t know why you’ve chosen to live your life free of commitment? Do you think I don’t know how it was for you? You were helping me at an age when you shouldn’t have had a care in the world.”
“Teenagers always have cares.”
“But they are different cares. What you want to do with your future, whether you’ll ever date that cool brunette in your class, whether you’ll be tall enough, smart enough—”
“In other words, selfish cares.”
“Normal cares. Your cares were deeper and heavier and most of the time didn’t include you. You felt as if you had a leash tied to you, and it grew tighter every year. Because of that, you saw family as something that holds you back. You’ve been avoiding it ever since.”
“I’ve been living my life.”
His grandmother smiled. “Having a family doesn’t stop you living your life, although I can see why you would think that way after what happened. I treated you like an adult, but you were still a child. You were still working out what sort of place the world was and how you fit into it.”
“It probably did me good. I needed to think about someone other than myself.” And he realized he needed to do that now. “If you love this place, then that’s all I need to hear. Tell me how I can help.”
“I have one remaining box of Rachel’s old books and toys you can take over to Emily.”
He knew he wouldn’t be welcome. “Just leave a message on Emily’s phone. She can pick them up when she’s next in town.”
“She may not be in town for a while. She’ll want to keep Lizzy at home until she’s back on her feet. I’d like you to take it over for me. I remember when Rachel was sick, she loved having something new to play with and read.”
“I can’t do that.” He paced to the window, staring out over the ocean as he replayed the conversation. “She’s shut me out. I was going to offer to take Lizzy on the boat again. She’s showing all the signs of being a natural sailor. I enjoyed teaching her.”
“Help out at Camp Puffin if you want to do those things with children.”
“I don’t.” He wanted to do them with Lizzy. He remembered the look of concentration on her face when she’d mastered her first knot, the excited gasp the first time the wind had snapped the sails tight. Most of all, he remembered her look of happiness when he’d walked into the room at the hospital.
“I don’t understand why this bothers you. You love your freedom, Ryan. I would have thought you’d be feeling relieved not to be towing a little girl out to see puffins and digging in the sand.”
He realized that those moments had been the happiest he’d had in a long time. Those moments, and the ones he’d spent with Emily.
“Has it occurred to you that this isn’t all about me? Emily is in this relationship, too. And it’s a casual relationship. She doesn’t want it to be more than that. She isn’t interested.”
His grandmother looked at him for a long moment. “You’re many things, but I never thought you were a fool, Ryan. Can you lend me your phone? I want to call Murph and tell him I’ll pick up the keys tomorrow.”
“You can’t pick up the keys until you own the place.”
“I do own the place.”
Ryan stared at her. “It only came on the market recently. You only just saw it.”
“Murph called me the instant it happened, and he drove me over to take a look.”
Ryan digested that. “And you didn’t tell me?”
“You had a lot on your mind.” She patted him on the arm. “Now, take me home and help me pack up some boxes.”
*
IT WAS THEIR first trip to the harbor since they’d come back from the hospital, and they could barely take a step without being accosted by well-wishers.
Emily kept a close eye on Lizzy and tried not to fuss. “What would you most like to do?”
“Can we have waffles and chocolate milk?”
She’d been steeling herself for that inevitable request. Waffles and chocolate milk would mean visiting the Ocean Club and possibly bumping into Ryan. She’d discovered that asking him to keep his distance hadn’t stopped her from thinking about him, nor had it stopped Lizzy talking about him. She’d reached the stage where she was ready to scream and cover her ears and had distracted herself by making endless collages with seashells found on the beach outside the door. But that pastime had only held Lizzy’s attention for a short time. She’d discovered that a recovering Lizzy was harder to handle than a sick Lizzy. She wanted to be out on the water, swimming, seeing the puffins, anything other than staying trapped indoors.
Emily had suggested a trip to Summer Scoop, but it was clear that no activity was going to match the awesome experience of waffles and chocolate milk, so she surrendered to the inevitable. Why not? If they were staying on the island, then they were going to bump into Ryan sooner or later.
Lizzy insisted on taking both Andrew and her new puffin, and they were met by a smiling Kirsti, who showed them to their usual table.
Once again a large crowd of students had the table next to them, but this time Emily barely spared them a glance.
“One extra-chocolatey chocolate milk for an extra special guest.” Kirsti placed the tall glass in front of Lizzy with a flourish and did the same with Emily’s coffee. “Can I get you anything else?”
Lizzy looked around hopefully. “Is Ryan here?”
“No.” Kirsti gave her a sympathetic look. “We haven’t seen him this morning. He’s dealing with some business down at the marina. Some guy whose ego is bigger than his yacht, and that’s saying something.” She walked off with a wink and a smile to serve another table of customers, and Lizzy’s shoulders drooped.
She clutched the puffin in both hands, Andrew lying forgotten on one of the vacant chairs. “Why don’t we see Ryan anymore?”
“He’s busy, honey.” It horrified her how badly she wanted to see him.
Was she really going to be able to live in such close proximity, or was she fooling herself?
Misery was a cold hard lump inside her. It was impossible not to second-guess herself. Maybe she should have let the relationship take its course. But how would that have worked? Eventually he would have moved on, and that would have made the situation even more awkward.
The best option would have been not to fall in love with him in the first place, but it was too late for that.
Lizzy put the puffin down carefully and reached for her milk. “He said he loved us.”
“He does love us in his own way, but he has a job to do and his own life.”
And that life wasn’t going to include them.
She couldn’t wallow in self-pity; she had to move on. She had to keep Lizzy busy and introduce new people into her life.
Lizzy stared miserably across the restaurant, and then the chocolate milk slipped from her hands and spilled across the table, splattering Emily.
With lightning reflexes, she rescued puffin and Andrew, but before she could speak, Lizzy shrank down in her chair.
“He’s here.”
Emily was busy trying to stem the flood with a couple of napkins. “Ryan?”
“The man with the camera. The one who climbed into the house.”
It took a few seconds for the words to sink in, and when they did, Emily dropped the napkins and slowly turned her head. The man was standing between her and the door, blocking the only exit. He scanned the restaurant as if searching for someone, and, after a few moments, he approached a couple at the table nearest to him and showed them a photograph. Heart thumping, Emily pushed both toys into Lizzy’s hands. “Get under the table, sweetheart.”
“But—”
“Get under the table, and whatever happens, don’t move.” She positioned herself with her back to the restaurant, hoping to block the man’s view.
She was thinking hard about her options when she heard Ryan’s deep voice behind her.
“We’re busy today. I’m going to have to ask if you mind sharing your table.”
Melting with relief, Emily turned her head to warn him, but he put his hand on her shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze.
“I’ve got this. Just crowd around and pull up a few extra chairs.” He smiled at the students at the table next door, and they swiftly decamped to Emily’s table, laughing, chatting and crowding around as he’d instructed. “Anna, give Emily your hat. She’s in full sun there.”
The girl next to her slid her hat from her head and passed it to Emily.
She glanced down and saw the words Marine Center embroidered on the front.
“Put it on,” Ryan said softly. “Keep your back to the room and leave the rest to me.”
“Here—” Anna pushed a copy of Marine Biology into her hand. “Get stuck into that. Don’t look so panicked. Ryan has got this. We’ve all got this.”
Two bulky guys with windswept hair sat either side of her, and one of them put his backpack carefully on the floor in front of Lizzy. With so many legs and backpacks, it would be next to impossible for anyone to see her.
Even so, Emily’s heart was thudding as he approached the table.
“Hi.” His smile was warm and friendly. “You guys live on the island?”
Anna smiled back. “During the summer. You?”
“Sadly, mine is a short visit. I wondered if you’d seen this little girl around.” He handed a photo of Lizzy to Anna, who studied it carefully, shook her head and then passed it across the table to another girl.
Their eyes locked, their fingers brushed, and the photo fell into a sticky pool of chocolate milk.
Anna tutted. “Rita, you are so clumsy.” She made a fuss of wiping it and tore the edge. “Oh, no! Now I’m the clumsy one.”
The man gritted his teeth as he took it back. “I thought you might have seen her? She’s traveling with her mother, a woman called Emily.”
“Your wife and child?”
“My sister and her little girl. There are marital problems. I promised I’d help her.”
“Your niece?” Anna took another look at the photo. “She doesn’t look anything like you. But, no, I don’t remember seeing her.”
“The address is Castaway Cottage, but it’s not listed anywhere, and no one I ask seems to know where it is.”
“Castaway Cottage?” Anna looked vague. “Never heard of it, and this is my third summer on the island. You could try asking Pete—he drives the island cab.”
“I did. He said there is no Castaway Cottage.” The man looked frustrated. “But I know that’s the address.”
“Not on this island. Let me see that photo.” Ryan took it from the man. “She looks like Summer. Her mother owns Summer Scoop just along Main Street. Or maybe not. It’s not a great picture.”
“If you wanted to rent somewhere out of the way on this island where no one would look for you, where would you stay?”
Ryan didn’t hesitate. “White Pine House. But there’s no way she’d stay there.”
“Why?”
“Because getting there is a nightmare. It’s in the middle of the island at the top of a trail that is impassable in bad weather. I wouldn’t even try it if I were you.”
“Can you give me directions?”
Ryan shrugged. “They’re your tires. Do you have a map? I can show you.” He was polite and friendly as he took the map of the island from the man’s hand. “You want to take a right at the forest trail. It’s a pretty rough road, but it’s the only way up to Heron Pond. Be careful as you take Pond Bridge. There was some structural damage over the winter, and repairs haven’t been finished yet. You might want to park and walk.”
The guy stepped away with a nod of thanks.
“What a douche,” Anna muttered as he walked away. “Please tell me he’s going to blow out his tires on the way to the pond.”
“He will.” Ryan was calm. “And if by chance he makes it as far as the bridge, he’ll probably take a swim.”
“He’s going to be calling for help,” Anna said happily, and Ryan smiled back.
“He’ll try. There is no cell phone coverage by the pond. He’s going to have a long, tiring walk back down to the road.”
Emily wasn’t so easily reassured. “He knows about Castaway Cottage. He must have gotten the details from the hospital.” She was sickened by it. “What if someone tells him where it is?”
“How can they, when none of us has ever heard of Castaway Cottage?” Ryan winked at her and then called Kirsti over. “Is it done?”
“It was done twenty seconds after you gave me the nod. Check your phone. And for those who don’t text, we’ve been calling around leaving messages.”
Ryan pulled his phone out of his pocket, smiled and handed it to Emily. There on the screen was a text warning the islanders about the journalist, complete with a photograph.
“How did you take that without him noticing?”
Kirsti smiled. “I’m sneaky.”
Emily couldn’t relax that easily. “What if he comes back?”
“I guarantee you by the time he leaves the island, he won’t want to come back in a hurry.” Ryan dropped to his haunches and grinned at Lizzy. “Hi there, tiger. Time to come out.”
“Ryan!” Lizzy wriggled through legs and backpacks and launched herself into his arms. “It was him.”
“I know, honey, but he’ll be leaving again soon. In the meantime, how do you feel about spending the day at Harbor House with Agnes? She really needs your help with Cocoa while she packs boxes.” He stroked her back gently, and Lizzy wrapped her arms and legs around him like a monkey.
“Will you be there, too?”
Across the top of Lizzy’s head, Ryan’s gaze met Emily’s. She saw something flicker in the depths of his eyes, and then he set the child down, peeling her arms from around his neck.
“Later.” His voice was husky. “First, I’m going to make sure Mr. Photographer never bothers you again.” He turned to Emily. “Don’t leave until I text you. John Harris is going to let me know as soon as he’s safely on the ferry.”
She nodded. Without his quick thinking, Lizzy’s presence would have been exposed, and she wanted to express her gratitude. She wanted to pull back all the things she’d said, but then she saw Lizzy slide her arms around his legs and cling, and knew she had to stand firm.
“Thank you.” She told herself it was the overwhelming gesture of warmth from the community that made her feel like sitting down and sobbing her heart out. For her whole life she’d felt like a small piece of a jigsaw puzzle that had been dropped on the floor and lost, fitting nowhere. Now she felt as if she’d found her place. A small piece, fitting perfectly into a bigger picture. For the first time in her life, she felt as if she belonged. There were people looking out for her.
The price she had to pay for that was not being with Ryan. She’d thought that was the simple option.
Now she was wondering if it might kill her.
*
EMILY SPENT THE rest of the day packing boxes with Agnes and picking up texts from various islanders determined to give her a nonstop commentary on what was happening. She was grateful for any activity that stopped her thinking about Ryan.
“The journalist got the car stuck on Pond Bridge and had to walk back down to the harbor.” She gave Agnes an update. “He called a cab.”
Agnes looked interested. “And how did that turn out for him?”
Emily scrolled through her texts. “Not well. Peter told him his cab had been booked all day by a family from Boston, so he tried Larry, but his cab was in the garage having the brakes fixed.”
“It’s a terrible thing that island transport is so bad.”
“Before he left, he went into Summer Scoop and showed Lisa the photograph.”
“Did she bury it deep in vanilla ice cream?”
“No, she said the little girl in the picture looked like Summer. Then she asked if she could keep the photograph because she objected to people taking pictures of her daughter without permission.”
Agnes laughed as she wrapped up two candlesticks. “That was smart of her. And there is just enough of a resemblance between Summer and Lizzy that he might believe it.”
“He asked the Realtor on Main Street if he’d ever heard of Castaway Cottage, and she suggested he try Bar Harbor.”
“That will be Tilly Hobson. She believes houses choose people, not the other way around.” Agnes sealed the box, and Emily scrambled to her feet.
“Don’t lift that. I’ll do it. I’ve met Tilly. I spoke to her a few days ago.”
“You’re looking for property?”
“Yes. It was kind of Brittany to let us use Castaway Cottage, but we can’t stay there forever. We need somewhere of our own, but houses don’t come up that often on Puffin Island.” She lifted the box and stacked it with the others and then heard her phone beep. “That will be Ryan with another update.”
But it turned out to be a text from Brittany, and when Emily read it she sat down on the chair with a thump.
Agnes paused with a stack of table mats in her hand. “Another update?”
“No. This time it’s Brittany. She fell on the archaeological dig in Greece. She’s broken her wrist.” She pulled a face and sent a text back. “Poor Brit. You know how active she is—she’ll go crazy with her right hand out of use.”
“What’s her plan?”
“To come home while she heals and then make some life decisions. Her postgraduate work at Oxford University has finished. This dig was something she was doing for fun while she decided what to do next.” Emily absorbed the implications of that. “Looks like I might have need of Tilly’s services sooner than expected.”
“Brittany wouldn’t want you to move out. I wouldn’t rush into anything.” Agnes looked vague. “Something might turn up.”
Emily, who believed in structuring her life as much as she could, wasn’t reassured. “I’m sure we can stay with Brittany for a while, but I feel, for Lizzy’s sake, it’s time we found somewhere that’s ours. I want her to have security.” She wanted Lizzy to have everything she’d never had herself. “I’ve enrolled her in school for September. She might even have Rachel as her teacher.”
Agnes’s face softened. “Lucky Lizzy. That girl has the sweetest nature. When Ryan was injured I couldn’t drag Rachel from the hospital. Those two are very close. For weeks, she slept in the chair, and when he started the long rehabilitation process, she was the one bullying him into doing those exercises and pushing a little harder each day.”
“He’s very protective of her.”
“Always has been. He took some serious teasing in school for looking out for his little sister. I remember one time the class had to take the thing they loved most into school for show-and-tell. It was meant to be a toy or a book. Rachel insisted on taking Ryan. They had to excuse him from math so he could sit on the mat with her. His friends gave him hell over that one, but he showed up, anyway.” Agnes’s eyes misted. “Oh, that little girl loved her big brother. He was a hero to her, and I’ve never seen anyone so patient as he was with his sister.”
The lump in Emily’s throat made it difficult to swallow. “He’s been great with Lizzy. That day we went sailing, he was so patient with her.” And she had to keep reminding herself that it had been a happy afternoon, that was all. Just because he was good with Lizzy, didn’t mean he wanted to do it more often.
There was no room in life for dreaming.
She picked up a painting from the floor and paused, scanning the beautiful beach scene. “Is this one of Skylar’s?”
“It’s a watercolor she did when she was eighteen. She gave it to Kathleen as a thank-you for having her to stay. I admired it, and Kathleen left it to me. I love the colors. It’s like bringing part of the beach indoors.”
“Sky would be proud to know you love it enough to hang it on your wall.” Emily wrapped it carefully. “I know it meant a lot that Kathleen believed in her. Whenever we stayed, she made sure Sky had a place to paint. Her own parents didn’t do that for her. They thought her artistic talents detracted from what was important in life.” She slid the painting carefully into the box. “She comes from a family of lawyers, and they wanted her to be a lawyer, too.”
Agnes handed her a piece of tape. “The job of a parent is to nurture and guide, not kill dreams. What about you? What was your dream?”
“There wasn’t any room in my life for dreams.”
“And now?”
Something in the way Agnes was looking at her made her wonder if she’d guessed.
“I find it safer to focus on reality.” Emily kept her eyes down, closed the box and secured it with tape. “I’m going to find a house that will be a good home for us. Then think about work. There’s a property vacant on Harbor Road, not far from Summer Scoop. I’m thinking of maybe opening a boutique gift shop with a beach theme.” The idea had come to her in the night, and she’d felt a rush of excitement and anticipation. Instead of helping with other people’s businesses, why not start her own? “I want to sell everything from jewelry to shells and maybe small pieces for the home. I have to run some numbers. Ask a few questions. Do you think it’s a crazy idea?”
“I think it’s a good idea.” Agnes pushed another empty box toward her, and together they filled it while Emily waited for another text from Ryan telling them it was safe to go home. It never came. Instead, he came himself, taking the steps to Harbor House two at a time as the last ferry of the day sailed out into the bay on its journey across to the mainland.
Emily watched his approach from the large bay window and wondered if there was ever going to be a time when she could look at him and not want him.
Seeing him made her light-headed, as if she’d walked from darkness into the full glare of sunlight.
Fortunately she had herself under control by the time he walked into the room, and he answered her question before she asked it.
“He’s headed home. He won’t be bothering us again. Good thing he isn’t a travel journalist, or Puffin Island would be in for some seriously negative publicity about the state of our roads and the clueless nature of its inhabitants. He was persistent, I’ll give him that. He must have questioned every damn person on the island, even Hilda.”
“Hilda?” Emily put down the painting she’d been wrapping. “What did poor Hilda say?”
“She pretended to be deaf. She made him shout so loudly he had an audience stretching from the harbor to Puffin Point.”
Agnes laughed and walked to the door. “Talking of Lizzy, I’m going to see how she’s getting on with that doll’s house of Rachel’s.” She walked out of the room, leaving them alone, and Emily wondered how it was possible to feel self-conscious and awkward after everything they’d done together.
“I can’t believe everyone did that for Lizzy.”
“And you.” His voice softened. “They did it for you, too. It can take a long time for mainlanders to be accepted here, but you’ve thrown yourself into island life and you’ve been officially adopted.”
“Oh—” Her eyes filled, and she realized how ridiculous it was to feel like crying over something she should be celebrating.
And she knew her tears had nothing to do with her status as an islander, and everything to do with the way she felt about him.
In the past few weeks, she’d learned so many things and faced things she’d buried for most of her life. Now, instead of protecting herself from emotion, she was flooded by it.
She was starting to wonder if the dream of living here was really going to work.
Now she’d started feeling again, she didn’t want to stop. And she wasn’t sure she could hide it.
“Thank you. I don’t even want to think about how that might have turned out if you hadn’t done what you did. All of you. And please thank the group from the marine center.” She scrambled to her feet. “Lizzy and I will come back tomorrow and help Agnes finish up.”
“Why would you leave?”
“Because in a minute Lizzy will come downstairs and see you, and then she won’t want to let you go.” Avoiding his gaze, she stacked the last of the boxes by the door. “The ones with the black mark can be recycled. The red mark means they can go to the charity store. The green means Agnes is taking it when she moves.”
There was a tense silence.
“What if I don’t want to let her go? What if I don’t want to let you go?”
“I’m taking the box by the door over to Lisa because there are some toys that Summer and Harry might—” She broke off and stared at him. “What did you just say?”
“What if I don’t want to let you go?”
There was a clatter and thump from upstairs, but for once Emily didn’t rush to investigate. She trusted Agnes, and anyway, her feet were glued to the floor. “I don’t know what you mean.”
He closed the door, giving them privacy. “I want to talk about us.”
Us.
Such a small, simple word to hold such deep significance. “There can’t be an us, Ryan.”
“There already is.” He crossed the room to her and took her face in his hands. “There’s been an ‘us’ from the first day you opened the door to me. There was an ‘us’ when you trusted me with your secret, when you asked me to teach you to swim, when you let me take you out in a boat and when you let me take you to bed. There was an ‘us’ when I came to the hospital, and when you told me you didn’t want me in your life. If there hadn’t been an ‘us,’ you wouldn’t have felt the need to say that.”
“I said it because Lizzy fell in love with you. I’m protecting her feelings.”
“And what about you?” His voice was soft, his gaze holding hers. “What about your feelings?”
“How I feel doesn’t matter. I can’t let it matter. There’s too much at stake.” She felt as if she were teetering on the edge of a crumbling cliff with everything secure about to disintegrate beneath her feet.
“Do you know what I think, Emily Donovan?” His voice was husky and warm. “I think you’re using Lizzy as an excuse. I think the reason you can’t let it matter isn’t because you’re afraid for Lizzy, but because you’re afraid for yourself. I think what’s at stake isn’t Lizzy’s heart, but your own. You’re scared. You’ve gone through life avoiding anything that threatens your emotions and that included picking men who wouldn’t make you feel deeply.”
She swallowed hard. “What does that say about me?”
“That you were scared. Love scares you, so you stayed in the shallow end of the relationship pool, picking guys who could never put your heart in danger. But I taught you to swim, Emily.” He ran his thumb gently over her cheek. “I taught you how to kick and stay afloat. I taught you what to do when a riptide grabs you. It’s important to make good decisions, but you don’t have to let fear hold you back, sweetheart.”
The endearment ripped at her. “Are we talking about love or swimming?”
“Both. Loving Lizzy has been hard for you, and I think it’s scary for you to admit you love me, too.”
Her heart skipped a beat. The fact that he knew left her feeling raw and exposed, like a sea creature left stranded on the beach when the tide retreated. “Aren’t you a little sure of yourself?”
His mouth tilted into a crooked smile. “Honey, I wasn’t sure at all. I was upset that you’d pushed me away. I thought you weren’t interested. It was Agnes who made me see the truth. You associate love with being hurt, and you’re afraid I’ll hurt you. You’re protecting yourself.”
Why would she deny the truth? If she was honest, maybe he’d respect her wishes and stay away, instead of making things harder. “Yes.”
“You’ve lived your life doing that, caring for yourself, protecting yourself. You learned how to heal yourself, nurture yourself, and part of the way you did that was to cut out the things that threatened you. Children. Love.”
“It worked better for me that way. But Lizzy is my family now. I had no choice about that, but now I wouldn’t have it any other way. Skylar was right that sometimes the worst things can turn out to be the best. When the time is right, I’m going to formally adopt her.”
“It never crossed my mind you’d do anything else. What would you say if I told you what I want is to spend the rest of my life trying to stop anything from hurting you and Lizzy? What would you say if I told you I want you both in my life?”
She took a few unsettled breaths, trying to listen to her head and not her heart. Trying to use reason and not emotion. “You value your independence. The ability to come and go as you please. You told me you didn’t plan on giving that up anytime soon. This relationship can’t be a revolving door, Ryan. You can’t come and go as it suits you.” Because she didn’t trust emotion not to defeat reason, she pulled away from him and started to walk across the room, but he caught her arm and hauled her back to him.
“Damn it, Emily, I don’t want a revolving door. I want to walk through it and stay. I want to lock it and throw away the key. I’m telling you I want to be with you. Both of you. I’m telling you I love you.”
At first the words floated on the surface of her brain without penetrating. Then she assumed she’d misheard. “I— What?” She wondered if wishful thinking had conjured the words in her head. Had he really said that aloud?
“I love you.”
“No, you don’t. You love your freedom. You love being able to go with the wind and the tide.”
“Yes. But there comes a time when what feels right is to drop anchor and stay a while in the same place. For me, that time is now.”
She looked at him and saw her feelings mirrored in his eyes. “Ryan—”
“If this new, fledgling family of yours is looking for extra members, I thought I might apply. I can give you my résumé if you like, but you’ll find I’m well qualified in certain aspects of child care including, but not limited to, rescuing soft toys from dangerous circumstances.”
In all her life she’d never known a feeling like this one. She didn’t know how to express everything in her head and her heart.
“I—Ryan—I don’t know what to say.”
“I want you to say yes to my question.”
“Did you ask me a question?”
“Not yet, but I’m about to.” He pulled his hand out of his pocket and handed her a box. “Will you marry me?”
Emotion swelled inside her, and her eyes filled. She opened the box and stared down at the sparkling diamond through eyes misted with tears.
“Ryan—”
“Will you trust me with Lizzy? Will you trust me with your heart? Can you do that?”
The cliff gave way beneath her feet, but instead of falling she was flying. “Yes.” The word was almost inaudible, so she said it again. “Yes. Oh, yes.”
And then he was kissing her, his mouth hard and demanding, his hands possessive and protective. Somewhere through the mists of passion, she heard the door opening, and she pulled away to see Lizzy peeping around the door with Agnes behind her.
“Can we come in, Ryan? Have you done it?”
Her hand still locked in the front of his shirt, Emily glanced up at him. “You told her to stay away?”
“I told her I had something important to ask you.”
“He said it was private.” Lizzy skipped across the room, and he scooped her up.
Watching the two of them together, Emily felt her heart flutter.
“Lizzy, we have something to tell you.”
“I already know.” She leaned her head against Ryan’s shoulder, blond curls brushing against dark. “Ryan loves us. I told you that in the hospital, but you didn’t believe me. Can we go and see the puffins again soon? Can we go sailing and eat waffles?”
“Yes.” Emily’s voice was muffled as Ryan pulled her close with his other arm. “Yes, we can do all those things.”
Agnes walked into the room, a smile on her face. “Tilly is on the phone. You called her about a rental, but I told her it was a mistake.”
Emily eased away from Ryan’s grip, wondering how she was supposed to focus on the practical when her head was spinning. “But Brittany is coming home, and I still need to find somewhere to live.”
She saw Ryan exchange a look with Agnes and smile.
“You don’t need to find somewhere to live.” He lowered Lizzy to the window seat that overlooked the harbor. “I happen to know of a large family home with a sea view that’s not even on the market yet. It will be perfect for us.”
*
Keep reading for an excerpt from SUDDENLY LAST SUMMER by Sarah Morgan.