CHAPTER FOURTEEN
SHE LEFT BEFORE Ryan woke, tiptoeing out of his apartment as sunlight shimmered through the wall of glass.
The trail of clothes strewn around the room told the story of the night before, and she gathered them up, dressed swiftly and quietly closed the door behind her.
As she walked down the steps that led from his apartment, she wished she’d thought to bring something else to wear.
She was acutely conscious, not only of the dress that announced to the entire island where she’d spent the night, but of the small things. The slight whisker burns on the sensitive skin of her neck and the fact that her body ached in unusual places. And then there were the other things. Emotions she didn’t recognize. Feelings that were unfamiliar.
It was as if she’d gone to sleep as one person and woken as another.
She arrived to pick up Lizzy and was grateful that Lisa said nothing about the fact Emily was overdressed. Instead, she supplied a strong cup of coffee and proceeded to make small talk about her plans for the makeover of Summer Scoop.
On the drive home Lizzy talked nonstop about her sleepover, an evening apparently bursting with pizza and popcorn.
Emily parked outside the cottage and stared at Shell Bay.
Had Ryan woken up?
Maybe she should have left a note, but what would she have said?
Thanks for the best sex of my life.
“Can we dig in the sand?” Lizzy sounded hopeful, and Emily turned to look at her, wondering why everything felt different.
“Yes. Let’s do it. Right now.” Before this new version of herself vanished. Before she went back to being the person she’d been the day before.
They both changed into swimming things and pulled on shorts and T-shirts. Then Emily gathered up a blanket along with the bucket and spade and walked along the short sandy path that led directly to the beach.
Most of the tourists chose to stay on the beaches close to the harbor, and there was only one other family on Shell Bay.
Emily put the blanket down, and Lizzy stripped down to her swimsuit and started digging. “Can we build a boat?”
Emily would have preferred something a little less challenging for her first sand sculpture, but she gamely set her mind to scooping out the hull of a boat, using her hands to fashion seats and a prow while Lizzy filled and refilled the bucket.
They dug together for half an hour, and then Emily straightened and stripped off her shorts and tee. She dug her hand into her bag and surreptitiously checked her phone, but there were no messages.
Disappointment hovered like a cloud over her happiness.
Lizzy glanced up at her. “Skylar says red is your color.”
“Does she? And what’s your color? Pink?”
Lizzy shook her head and patted down the sand. “Turquoise. Like the sea.”
Close by, the other family was playing a ball game, and when the ball came flying in their direction, Emily caught it and threw it back.
She hadn’t intended to walk to the water’s edge, but somehow that was where she ended up, and she stood with her toes curling into the damp sand, feeling the lick of the tide on her ankles. Ahead of her lay the vastness of the ocean, an infinity of blue merging with the summer sky on a horizon so straight it could have been drawn by a child with a ruler.
The expanse of water made her catch her breath, and she turned her head, needing to see land, and there right behind her was Castaway Cottage, looking over the beach like a benevolent friend. It was impossible to believe anything bad could happen within sight of the cottage and easy to see why Kathleen had bought it all those years ago. It was the perfect Maine beach house, a retreat that most people could only dream of owning.
Lizzy dropped the bucket and ran to her side. “Are you going in the sea?”
“Yes.” Up until that point, she hadn’t realized that had always been her intention. “I am.”
“Can I come? I haven’t swum in the sea yet, but Rachel said I was ready.”
She wanted to refuse. She still wasn’t sure she was ready to do it herself, let alone take someone else with her.
On the other hand, if this was a test, then she might as well make it the ultimate test.
“I want you to use your float.”
Lizzy ran off and returned moments later carrying it.
Maybe she should have waited for Ryan. He would have come with her, she knew, but she also knew this was something she had to do by herself. It was her fear to conquer, and no one could do that for her. It felt as if she’d climbed almost to the top of Everest and was only a few steps from the summit. She didn’t have to do this, but she knew she would never feel whole until she did.
She told herself that she knew this beach, that she’d watched the ebb and flow of the tide enough times to know how the beach shelved. Here, in the perfect curve of Shell Cove, there were no dangerous currents, no riptides. The safety of the swimming was one of the many reasons Brittany was constantly being bothered by people wanting to buy the land. There was surely no more perfect spot in the whole of Maine.
She took a single step forward, and Lizzy took her hand, dancing over the small waves without fear.
“It’s freezing!” She squealed and laughed, while Emily watched, entertained and a little envious.
Had she ever been that carefree?
Had there ever been a time when she enjoyed the moment without worrying that something bad was about to happen? Had she ever lived without protecting herself?
“Aunt Emily—” Lizzy tugged her hand impatiently “—come on!”
And she realized that living in the moment was a choice, and she stepped forward and kept walking until the water was above her knees.
Another family joined them in the water, the children squealing as the father swung them high into the air.
Reassured by their presence, Emily scooped Lizzy into her arms and held her out of reach of the waves.
The water was midthigh, and she knew she didn’t need to go any deeper. This was enough for now. The ocean stretched ahead of her, calm today, sleeping in the warm afternoon sunshine. The surface sparkled, inviting, and Emily knew that it had to be now. It was the perfect time.
“Are you ready?” Steeling herself, she lowered Lizzy to the water and watched her kick out, confident as she started to swim. “Swim parallel to the shore. Stay in line with the beach. That’s it.”
Without allowing herself to think too much, Emily slid forward into the water, gasping as the coldness closed over her shoulders. Immediately she had the urge to stand up, to feel the reassuring pressure of the sand beneath her feet, but she fought the panic and forced herself to breathe and move her arms and legs in the same rhythmic strokes she’d used in the pool. She felt the gentle lift and fall of the water as she swam, felt the sea lick at the edges of her hair and her face, playful, not threatening.
Panic was replaced by calm and then by pleasure and no small degree of pride. She was swimming, really swimming. She’d learned a new skill. The sea was in control, she knew that. But if she was careful, they could coexist.
Next to her Lizzy splashed and swam, chin raised like a dog out of the water, and Emily murmured words of encouragement, telling her to keep going, keep kicking, and she wasn’t sure if she was saying the words to herself or the child.
They swam halfway along the cove before Lizzy declared that her arms were too tired, and Emily stood up, feeling the reassuring pressure of the sand beneath her feet. The water was still at midthigh but too deep for Lizzy, and she scooped her up and held her tightly, safely out of reach of the water.
“You swam so well.”
She felt Lizzy’s arms creep around her neck and the softness of her curls brush against her chin. She breathed in the smell of salt and sea and closed her eyes, rocked by the tight squeeze of those skinny arms and the priceless gift of trust. Something inside her that she’d thought had died sprang to life and bloomed. She wasn’t sure how it happened or even why, but at some point holding turned to hugging. The deep chill that had become part of her slowly thawed as they stood, tangled together, intertwined and close.
“I like living here.” Lizzy’s voice was soft, and Emily felt her eyes sting.
“I like living here, too.”
“Can we have a puppy?”
Eyes stinging, Emily started to laugh. “Let’s take this a step at a time, shall we?”
“A puppy would be the best thing ever. I love Cocoa, but she’s Agnes’s best friend, so we can’t have her.”
“No, we can’t.” A puppy. Realizing she was actually considering it, Emily shook her head in disbelief. “Let’s go indoors and wash off all this sand.” Holding Lizzy on her hip, she waded back to shore. “Oh, wait, let’s finish our sand yacht.”
By the time they’d finished their impressive structure, the sun was dipping down below the horizon and clouds were gathering.
They ran indoors trailing sand and laughter into the house, showered, changed and then picked blueberries from the bushes in the garden and made a pie.
“Push your hands into the flour—” Emily stood Lizzy on a chair, and together they weighed and stirred and mixed while outside the sky darkened and thunder rumbled.
“Will we live here forever?” Lizzy had somehow managed to cover every available surface and herself with flour.
Emily poured the blueberries into the pie dish. “Castaway Cottage isn’t ours. It belongs to Brittany, my friend.”
“If she comes home, where will we live?”
Emily paused, understanding the child’s need for security in a world that had crumbled around her. “We’d stay here until we found somewhere perfect for us.” She sent mental thanks to her friend and the pact they’d made all those years before.
“Will we stay on Puffin Island?”
It was something she hadn’t considered until the past few days. “That’s something we’ll have to talk about.”
“I want to live here. I don’t want to leave Cocoa. Or the puffins. I like swimming. Rachel says if I’m still here when school starts after the summer, she’d be my teacher.”
Emily leaned across and wiped the flour from her mouth. “You’d have to call her Miss Cooper.”
Lizzy grinned. “I’d be with Summer and Harry.”
“That sounds like fun. Are you done making pastry? I’ll finish off and then we can clean up and read a book while our pie is cooking.”
She heard the front door open and then the sound of paws on the floor as Cocoa sprinted into the kitchen.
“Cocoa!” Abandoning her duties as pastry maker, Lizzy jumped off the chair and hugged the dog, spreading flour and goodwill in equal measure.
Emily’s heart lifted as Ryan walked into the room, wiping droplets of rain from his face. “She’s learned sit, but stay is still giving us a problem.”
His gaze connected with hers briefly, and the look he gave her sent heat rushing to her cheeks.
“Would you like to stay for dinner? It’s Lizzy’s favorite gourmet treat. Mac and cheese followed by blueberry pie.”
“That sounds like the best invitation I’ve had in a long time.” He hunkered down next to Lizzy. “I saw a boat on the beach. A boat that is even better than mine. No idea how something that spectacular could have just shown up on the sand like that. Any ideas?”
Lizzy was giggling, her hands full of Cocoa. “Emily and I made it. We copied yours.”
“It’s a better-looking boat than mine. Any time you want to build me a proper boat, go right ahead.” He rose to his feet. “So, you played in the sand.”
“And the sea. I swam.”
His eyebrows rose. “With Rachel?”
“With Emily.”
“Emily swam in the sea?” There was a strange note to his voice, and Emily slid the pie into the oven.
“I remembered everything you taught me.”
“You should have told me you wanted to do that. I would have come with you.”
“It wasn’t something I planned. And I needed to do it by myself.”
He nodded slowly. “And how did it feel?”
She thought about the sensation of the water on her limbs, the terror of feeling the waves tug at her and the satisfaction of having confronted something that frightened her so badly. “It felt good. I don’t think I’ll be swimming to the mainland anytime soon, but it was a start.”
Lizzy scrambled to her feet. “Ryan, will you read a story?”
“Sure.” He lifted her into his arms. “What’s it to be? Green Eggs and Ham?”
Knowing how badly Lizzy needed to be wrapped in that security blanket right now, Emily sent him a grateful look. “I’ll fetch the book.”
“Not that one.” Lizzy’s arms were around his neck. “I want the one in your head. The one you told me that time Emily was sick, about Abbie, the lighthouse keeper’s daughter who kept the lights burning when her father couldn’t get back to the island.”
Ryan sat down at the table with Lizzy on his lap and started telling the story while Emily made sauce for the mac and cheese. Thunder boomed outside the cottage, and Lizzy flinched against Ryan, who carried on telling the story in his calm, steady voice.
“It was one of the worse storms ever—”
“Worse than this one?”
“Much worse than this one...”
Lizzy kept interrupting, asking questions. Did Ryan think Abbie had been afraid? Why hadn’t she used a boat to escape? Could the waves have covered the lighthouse?
He answered everything with the same quiet patience, returning each time to the story until another clap of thunder came from overhead. This one was so loud even Emily flinched, and Lizzy hid her face in Ryan’s chest and clutched his shirt.
“I don’t like storms.”
“Plenty of people feel the same way.” His hand smoothed her spine, gentle and reassuring. “Rachel was the same, but don’t tell her I told you.”
“But she’s big and brave.”
“Yeah, but she doesn’t like storms. Everyone is afraid of something.”
He’d used the same calm tone with her, Emily remembered. On the day of her meltdown, it had been his voice as much as his presence that had calmed her. When Ryan spoke, it was impossible to believe anything bad could happen, that the world could be anything other than a safe place.
Lizzy relaxed her hold on his shirt. “Are you afraid of storms?”
“Not storms, but there are plenty of other things that scare me.”
“Like what?”
He hesitated. “I don’t like hospitals. I don’t like the way they smell or sound. I’ll do just about anything to avoid going into one.”
Lizzy pondered. “But what if the doctor said you had to go to the hospital?”
“Then I’d go.” His hand stroked her hair. “Being afraid doesn’t mean you don’t do something, it just means it isn’t easy and you have to try a little harder than other people.”
“Aunt Emily?” Lizzy was looking at her. “What scares you?”
Loving and losing.
And she hadn’t faced that fear. Instead, she’d done everything she possibly could to live her life in a way that meant she could avoid it.
Emily stirred the sauce in a mindless, rhythmic movement that required no attention.
The only sound in the kitchen was the faint simmer of liquid and the heavy patter of rain against the window.
“Aunt Emily?”
“The sea,” she croaked. “Until today I was afraid of the sea. You have to let Ryan finish the story.”
His eyes fixed on hers, he carried on with the story, his tone and the words he used making it all too easy to picture Abbie’s struggle during that terrible storm.
As the rain sheeted down the windows, Emily found herself picturing the girl trying to keep the lamps burning in the lighthouse and take care of her three sisters and sick mother, while the sea boiled and lashed at her home.
Lizzy listened, absorbed. “What do you think Abbie was afraid of?”
“I don’t know. Whatever it was, she didn’t let it stop her keeping those lamps alight and protecting the shipping in that terrible storm.”
“I want to hear the part where she rescues the hens—”
He’d already told that part of the story, but Ryan repeated it, and Emily sent him a grateful look. There was something intimate about sharing a thought that came with no words, and her chest warmed as she turned back to her sauce. She could feel his eyes on her, feel him watching every movement as she stirred the sauce until it was smooth and perfect.
“I love the sound of the rain on the roof,” she said. “Close your eyes and listen.”
Lizzy closed her eyes. “It sounds like an army with heavy boots.”
Emily smiled. “It does.” She looked at Ryan. His jaw was dark with stubble, his hair curling slightly from the rain. She wanted so badly to touch it, to slide her fingers into it and drag his mouth down to hers as she had the night before. The atmosphere was heavy, filled with unspoken need, the silence eloquent. His smile was intimate and deeply personal, and her response to that smile was so powerful it was hard to breathe through it.
She’d never realized that not touching could be so arousing.
He must have felt the same way because he shifted slightly in his seat.
Lizzy opened her eyes and tightened her grip like a monkey. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” His voice was husky. “But I need to help Emily, so will you cuddle Cocoa? She hates storms, too.”
Distracted by this new responsibility, Lizzy scrambled under the table with Cocoa.
Emily’s heart rate quickened as Ryan stood next to her. He covered her hand with his and stirred the sauce, his mouth close to her ear
“I’m hungry.”
She didn’t dare look at him. “The food won’t be long.”
“That isn’t going to help me.” His voice shimmered with wry humor.
The urge to kiss him was almost unbearable, and she wondered how she was going to make it through an evening without being allowed to touch him.
“Ryan?” Lizzy’s voice came from under the table, making them both jump.
He kept his eyes on Emily’s face. “Yeah?”
“You should hug Emily, too, in case she’s scared.”
“Oh!” Flustered, Emily almost dropped the spoon. “There isn’t any need—”
“Great idea.” Ryan removed the spoon from her hand, slid his arm around her and pulled her against him. “Are you scared, Emily?”
She placed her hand on his chest, intending to make a flippant remark and push him away, but she could feel the steady beat of his heart against her palm, and instead of pulling back she curved her hand up to his shoulder.
“I’m not afraid of storms,” she said quietly.
“But you’re afraid of other things.” His voice was low, and she knew this conversation was no longer for Lizzy’s benefit.
She was afraid. Not of the storm and not of him, but of her own feelings.
His cheek brushed against her hair, and she could feel the warmth of his hand low on her spine. She was pressed against thick, hard masculine pressure, and desire blurred her vision and her thoughts. It was obvious that his frustration matched hers. She wanted his mouth on hers so badly she almost dragged his head to hers right there and then.
The effort of holding back simply increased the erotic intensity of the moment.
Every sense was exaggerated. She could hear the relentless patter of rain on the roof and the soft bubbling of the sauce on the stove. She felt the warmth of his breath on her neck and the slow stroke of his fingers on her spine.
His hand cupped her cheek, and when she looked into his eyes she saw heat and raw desire.
She’d never wanted anything or anyone as badly as she wanted him.
Her stomach tightened.
His mouth was so close to hers he was almost touching her.
“Emily?” Lizzy’s voice came from under the table where she was still playing with Cocoa. “I can smell burning.”
The moment was broken.
They rescued the sauce, and later, much later, after a supper of mac and cheese followed by blueberry pie, Emily tucked Lizzy into bed.
The thunder had moved on, leaving only the rain, and Emily flicked on the tiny lamp by Lizzy’s bed. “I’m going to leave the door open, so if you want me you just have to call out.”
“Will you be downstairs?”
“The whole time. I’ll be able to hear you.”
“Will Ryan be there, too?”
“For a while, but then he’ll be going home.”
“I like it when he’s here. I wish he could stay.”
I wish he could stay, too.
“He has to go home.” Emily tucked the patchwork quilt around the little girl and the bear. “And you need to go to sleep.”
“Maybe he could do a sleepover one night, like I did with Summer and Harry.”
Emily felt her tummy tighten. “We’ll talk about that another time.”
“Can Cocoa sleep on my bed tonight in case the storm comes back?”
“I’ll ask Ryan.”
“Can we swim in the sea again tomorrow?”
The questions were endless, a ruse to postpone the moment when Emily left the room.
“It depends on the weather.” She sat on the edge of the bed and stroked Lizzy’s hair. “Are you still scared? I could sit with you if you like.”
“No.” Lizzy’s eyes were drifting shut. “I’m going to think about Abbie in the storm. She was brave.”
“She was.”
“Emily?”
She paused, waiting for another question. “Yes?”
“I love you.”
Caught off guard, Emily felt her heart miss a beat and the breath jam in her throat.
It hadn’t been a question, but still a declaration like that demanded a response and how was she going to respond?
Of all the things that scared her in life, this scared her the most.
More even than walking into the sea and swimming.
She thought of what Ryan had said about fear. She thought of Abbie keeping the lamps burning in the storm.
And then she closed her eyes and took the leap. “I love you, too.”
*
“IS SHE ASLEEP?” Ryan offered her a beer, but Emily shook her head and walked to the window, her expression dazed. “What’s wrong?”
“Everything.” She wrapped her arms around herself, staring straight ahead. “I’ve lived my whole life trying to stop this happening.”
Ryan put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. “What?”
“She told me she loved me.” Her voice shook slightly, and he saw emotion shimmer in those green eyes, along with something else.
“And that scared the hell out of you.”
“Yes.” She took a deep breath. “I can’t do this, Ryan. I don’t want this.”
“You don’t want her to love you? You’re scared because she’s putting all her trust in you, depending on you?”
There was a long silence, and then she lifted her face to his. “No, I’m scared because I love her back.”
“Emily—”
“She’s been with me for a matter of weeks, and I was so sure I had this under control.”
“Feelings are the hardest thing in life to control.”
She raked shaking fingers through her hair. “What am I going to do?”
“Same thing everyone else does. You’re going to take life a day at a time, enjoy the good parts and deal with the bad.”
“The bad broke me.”
“You were a child and you were alone. You’re not alone now.” He pulled her against him and lowered his mouth to hers. “Tell me why you ran out on me this morning.”
“I needed to pick up Lizzy.”
“Next time, wake me.” He kissed her and heard her moan softly. “How soon do you think Lizzy will want to go for another sleepover?”
“Not for a while.”
“In that case I am going to be taking a lot of cold swims in the sea.” He lifted his head and smoothed her hair back, searching her face. “Do you regret it?”
She shook her head. “Do you?”
It had been the best sex of his life. “No.” He could feel her curves against him and had to use all his willpower not to strip her naked and press her back against the sofa. “But Kirsti saw you leaving, and I had to endure half an hour of questions, none of which I answered.”
“Oops. Awkward.”
“Not really. I’m immune to Kirsti. Let me know when you and Lizzy want to go out on the boat again.”
“You’d take her again?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”
She gave him a long look. “I guess I’m a little surprised. You make no secret of the fact your preference is for a child-free life.”
“I’m suggesting a boat trip, not inviting her to move in. I like Lizzy. She’s been through a trauma, and I know how that feels. And it’s the only way I can spend time with you.”
There was nothing more to it than that.
He had no idea why people insisted on making things more complicated than they were.