CHAPTER SIX
“CALL ME. I want to know how you’re both doing.” Skylar pulled her case out of the car and took a last breath of sea air. “There are days when I think I could live here. It would be a simpler life. The air is fresh and the light is wonderful. I’d find myself a little studio by the sea where I could paint and make jewelry.”
They were standing near the tiny runway, waiting for the Cessna 206 owned by Maine Island Air. The business was the lifeline for islanders needing rapid, easy access to the mainland. It delivered the mail, people and occasionally medical supplies.
Today, Sky was the only passenger.
“Just me and the mail,” she said cheerfully, leaning forward to hug Emily. “Ryan is hot by the way, and by hot I am talking weapons-grade sex appeal. And I’m willing to bet he doesn’t think your breasts are unfortunate. You really should use him to get over Boring Neil.”
Emily didn’t mention that Ryan had suggested the same thing. Or that, for one crazy minute, she’d actually considered it. “My life is already complicated enough.”
Sky checked to see that Lizzy was still safely in the car out of earshot. “Not all complications are bad. Ryan is the whole deal. Those shoulders. That smile. I wanted to crawl onto his lap and see if he’s as good a kisser as I think he’d be.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“Because he’s interested in you, and anyway, I’m with Richard.”
“He isn’t interested in me. He’s a player, the sort who can’t let a woman walk past without making a move.”
“Honey, he could hardly keep his hands off you at the lunch table. He almost burst a blood vessel holding back the caveman inside. You should think about it.” Sky spoke in a soft voice. “It’s time you went to bed with something other than a good book.”
She had thought about it, and thinking about it had caused a thrill of excitement low in her belly. “Thinking about it is all I intend to do.”
“At least you’ve thought about it. If you hadn’t admitted that, I would have phoned for medical help. Why aren’t you going to do anything about it?”
“Because everything about this situation is unreal.”
“He looked pretty real to me.”
“I have to think of Lizzy.”
“Having Lizzy doesn’t mean giving up sex. You can’t live in isolation, especially in a place like this. You need adult company. For what it’s worth, I like him. I think you can trust him.”
“I hope so, since he knows the truth.” She’d told Sky what had happened. “Did Alec upset you?”
“A little.” Skylar slid sunglasses onto her nose. “Personality clash. No biggie.”
“I thought you and he seemed—”
“What?”
“Nothing. Ignore me.”
“Like I said, I’m with Richard. And even if I wasn’t, I don’t have a thing for damaged men, and Alec Hunter is definitely damaged, not to mention rude.” Her friend stared into the distance. “Insanely good-looking, of course, but that’s not enough to compensate for his other deficiencies.”
“Ryan mentioned that he’s coming out of a bad divorce.”
“If yesterday was an indication of his usual level of charm, the surprise is that someone married him in the first place, not that they divorced him.”
“He’s very successful. And he makes history accessible. I’ve watched him in a few different things. Type ‘Shipwreck Hunter’ into a search engine and you can find a video of him in action, kayaking the Colorado River. And last year he helped build and sail a Viking ship. Don’t you watch TV?”
“Not much.” Skylar watched as the plane approached. “I wish I didn’t have to leave. I love this place. All I want to do is curl up here for the summer, walk on the cliffs and make jewelry, instead of which I have to smile and make polite small talk with people who bore me. My feet are going to be screaming by the weekend, and then we’re going to The Hamptons to see Richard’s family. Pity me.”
“You’re staying with his family? Are you being vetted?”
“I’ve already been vetted. Richard never wastes time dating anyone who doesn’t have the right credentials. Just in case the relationship goes somewhere. My bloodline has been studied along with anything in my past that might cause embarrassment.”
It sounded so unlike free-spirited Skylar that Emily felt another ripple of concern. “Do you want the relationship to go somewhere?”
“You know me. I think about the journey, not the destination. You can waste your whole life thinking about where you’re going, and then one day you wake up and realize you missed today because you were thinking about tomorrow. I like to live in the moment.”
And yet Richard was the opposite of that. As far as Emily could see, he’d spent his life working toward a single destination, and everything he did was designed to turbo-boost him along that path. “What are you doing with him, Sky?”
“When he isn’t focused on the future, he can be charming. And he genuinely wants to do good and change the world. He knows what he wants. He has a goal. That’s why he gets frustrated when things don’t go the way he wants them to, and people don’t feel the same way he does.”
Emily felt another flicker of unease. “Be careful.” She didn’t know why she said it, except that something didn’t feel right. “And don’t forget I’m here if you need me.”
“Hey, I’m the one supporting you.” Skylar watched as the plane executed a perfect landing. “One day they’ll arrange a direct flight to New York.”
“Then this place would lose its charm.”
“Maybe. I wish I’d bought one of those blueberry pies to take home. I could really—” Skylar’s jaw dropped as the pilot emerged from the plane. “Holy crap, is that—? Tell me I’m hallucinating.”
Emily squinted into the sun. “You’re not hallucinating. It’s Zach.”
“What the hell is he doing here? Do you think Brittany knows?”
“I doubt it.”
“Should we tell her?”
Emily thought about it. “No. She’s in Crete. She’s happy. He might be gone by the time she gets back.”
“You’re right. I can’t remember the last time she even mentioned her ex-husband. Did you know he was here?”
“No. Last thing I heard, he was working as a pilot in Alaska. Should we kill him for her?”
“No. It was years ago, and she wouldn’t want him to know he hurt her that badly.”
“She hasn’t been serious about a man since.”
“I know. Apparently ten days of marriage to him cured her of commitment forever.” Skylar stared at the man standing on the tarmac. Even from this distance there was no missing the power of his physique. He stood, legs spread, eyes hidden behind shades as he talked to an official. “It’s wrong that he should look so attractive. It distracts from the fact he’s a bastard. I hope he’s as good a pilot as that arrogant smile suggests, given that he’s going to be responsible for my life. How do I play this? Do I pretend I don’t know he broke Brittany’s heart?”
“That’s probably best as he’s in charge of the aircraft. I don’t want him to dump you in the ocean.”
“Good point. Instead of wanting to kill him, I’ll be grateful. After all, if he hadn’t acted the way he did, we never would have bonded that first night at college. Do you remember?”
“Of course. I remember all of it.”
“I remember Brittany sticking a photo of him on the wall so that we could draw on it. I gave him a nose ring and pink hair.” Skylar walked back to the car and hugged Lizzy. “See you soon, Tinker Bell. Make me a necklace. And make Emily throw out everything she owns that is black.”
Emily watched her friend leave and then slid back into the car.
She wondered briefly why Zach would be flying for Island Air, and then decided that as Brittany wasn’t here anyway, it didn’t matter. Neither of them stayed in the same place for long. He’d be gone long before Brittany returned.
Keen to get home as fast as possible, she drove back along the coast road to Castaway Cottage. Today there was no blue sky, and the wind whipped the sea into a foaming, boiling cauldron, toying with boats and keeping swimmers out of the water. Surf crashed over the rocks, exploding in a burst of white froth.
Emily kept her eyes on the road.
If she worked really hard at it, she could just about pretend the sea wasn’t there.
Two decades had passed, but she could still remember the moment when the water had closed over her head and dragged her down, hungry for an innocent victim.
Sweat formed on her brow.
Pulling up outside the cottage, she saw that Lizzy had fallen asleep.
Absolved of responsibility for a brief, blissful moment, she closed her eyes.
Only when the child slept did she manage to shake off the tension.
*
OUT IN THE BAY, Ryan made use of that wind as he hauled the sail and turned the boat. “So, your charm with women is something I aspire to emulate.”
Alec ducked under the boom. “I wasn’t trying to charm anyone.”
“That’s good to know.” But he could tell that his friend’s black mood had lifted and was glad he’d suggested making the most of the wind and the tide.
Work could wait until darkness fell over the water.
In the meantime, he was going to make the most of living next to some of the best sailing waters on the planet.
Penobscot Bay was peppered with hundreds of small uninhabited islands, many with secluded anchorages. A few of the larger islands, like Puffin, had working harbors and communities that swelled to ten times the size during the summer months.
They sailed along the coast, past beautiful old estates of weathered clapboard and wooded enclaves, rocky coves where forest met the sea, inlets, harbors and fishing villages dependent on lobstering and commercial fishing. Ducks and gulls bobbed on the surface of the water, and in the distance he could see the ferry making one of its three times a day trips back to the mainland.
With the wind in their sails, they sped across the water to Fisherman’s Creek, past rocky outcrops, nesting birds and seal colonies, finally returning to the island as the sun set.
Ryan pulled his hat low over his eyes as they approached the harbor. “So, what did you think of her?”
“She should come with a warning. Marry this woman and your investments could go down as well as up.”
“I was talking about Emily.”
“Oh,” Alec shrugged. “She looked tense. Jumpy. And she has a kid. Kids mean responsibility. Never mess with a single mother. There is never any question of a casual relationship. They’re testing you out to see if you’re marriage material.”
Ryan decided not to disclose Lizzy’s parentage. Not because he didn’t trust Alec, but because he respected Emily too much to reveal her secrets. “Did you notice she sat with her back to the water?”
“She had no choice. You picked a table that wasn’t big enough for five. I notice you squashed yourself next to her.”
“She picked the same seat the day before, and the table was plenty big enough.”
“What are you saying? That she doesn’t like water?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying, but there’s something there.” Ryan gauged the distance and guided the yacht skillfully against the dock.
“You’re showing a lot of interest in her.”
“Just being supportive. That’s what we islanders do.”
“How supportive? Are you planning on tucking her in and kissing her good-night?”
Ryan thought about it. “I might, except I have a feeling I wouldn’t be welcome.”
“Women always welcome you.”
“I think there’s more to her than meets the eye.”
“There’s more to every woman than meets the eye.” Alec sprang off the boat. “That’s the problem.”
*
RESPONSIBILITY SHARED THE bed with her and kept her awake.
She’d locked the doors and checked the windows, but still the endless possibility for risk swirled through Emily’s brain, tormenting her. Next to her, Lizzy slept deeply, curled under the pretty patchwork quilt, her arms clutching the bear.
It was a sight to soften the hardest heart, except that Emily had locked hers away years before and had no idea how to access it. And she didn’t want to.
Numb, she closed her eyes and rolled over, but still sleep stayed just out of her reach.
She thought about Ryan, about the way his fingers had felt brushing over hers, the way he’d looked at her with that intense focus that caused the world around them to melt away. Her relationship with Neil had been comfortable and nonthreatening. He’d done nothing to disturb her equilibrium or threaten her sense of safety.
Ryan did both. He made her feel things she’d never felt before. But she had no intention of allowing herself to explore those feelings in greater depth.
She knew she had issues with attachment, and she was perfectly fine with that.
For all his sophisticated charm, Ryan Cooper represented danger. The kind of danger she was keen to avoid.
She finally succumbed to exhaustion as dawn sent sunlight pouring through the window and then woke later, much later, knowing she’d slept too long. The sun beamed strong rays through the glass, adding a warm glow to the white and muted blues of the bedroom.
Daylight and silence made an uneasy combination.
Feeling a powerful sense that something wasn’t right, Emily turned her head to check on Lizzy and saw she was alone in the bed.
“Lizzy?” Her stomach cramped, and panic mingled with self-recrimination.
She should have stayed awake.
She shouldn’t have taken her eyes off her for a moment.
Telling herself that the girl had probably gone to find breakfast, she sprinted downstairs on legs that felt as useless as cooked spaghetti.
“Lizzy?” The kitchen was empty, but a chair had been dragged in front of the shelves.
Something about the position of that chair seemed all wrong, and Emily looked up and saw the glittery pink bucket was missing.
Her stomach dropped away. It was like losing your footing and tumbling into a dark chasm.
She shot into the hallway and saw that the front door was open.
Please, no, not that. Anything but that.
She should have been more careful. She should have hidden the key. She should have—
Her heart stopped because as she looked past the porch she saw the child on her knees on the beach shoveling sand into the pink bucket.
Her heart crashed against her ribs like waves on the rocks.
“Lizzy!” Forgetting that she was dressed only in flimsy pajamas, she ran. She ran faster than should have been physically possible, but it seemed the body was capable of unusual feats when driven by fear. Stones and tiny pieces of shell ripped at her bare feet, but she didn’t even notice, and then she hit the soft sand and it acted like brakes, slowing her strides and throwing her off balance.
She stumbled, regained her balance, dragging air into her screaming lungs as she tried to reach Lizzy. She could smell the sea, hear the crash of the surf and the shriek of gulls, all of it combining to unleash dark memories that merged the past with the present.
The world closed in. She saw the child through a tunnel and knew she had to reach her.
And then she grabbed her, holding her tightly, vowing that this time nothing was going to make her let go. “Don’t ever, ever do that again.” Her legs shaking, she dropped to her knees in the sand with the child against her. “Never, do you hear me? Tell me you hear me. Tell me!”
“I hear you. I wanted to see the sea.” Lizzy’s voice was muffled, and Emily squeezed her eyes shut because she wouldn’t care if she never saw the sea again.
Her limbs were shaking, and a horrible queasy feeling gnawed at her stomach.
“You must never go to the beach without asking me.”
“You didn’t want to.”
“Beaches are dangerous places, do you understand me?” She released Lizzy enough to look into her face, and it was only when she saw the girl’s eyes widen and fill with tears that she realized she was shouting.
Shouting and shaking.
Oh, God, she was losing it.
She should never have come to Puffin Island. She could have been anonymous in a city. A city would have been a better choice.
“Emily.” Through a mist of panic she heard Ryan’s deep baritone, calm and steady. “Emily? What happened?”
She couldn’t answer. There was a weight on her chest, and she couldn’t breathe. Was she having a heart attack? Something terrible was happening to her. Through the mists of panic she felt his hand, firm and reassuring on her shoulder, and he was easing her away from Lizzy, telling her that everything was fine, that everything was going to be all right, that she had nothing to worry about.
Which showed how little he knew.
She had everything to worry about.
She shouldn’t be here, doing this. She was the wrong person.
Now that she was sure Lizzy was safe, she tried to stand up, but her legs were wobbly and unfit for their purpose. Fortunately Ryan must have realized because he drew her into his arms and held her, enveloping her with his strength as his body absorbed her shudders.
“She’s safe. Everything is fine.” It was all about the tone, not the words. His voice was deep and level, designed to reduce her panic. Except that her panic had gone too far to be reduced so easily. Her heart was pounding, and her breaths were coming in ragged gasps. She felt dizzy and detached, as if she were falling into a deep, dark hole. The loss of control terrified her.
“Ryan—”
“I know. I want you to stop taking those big gulping breaths because they’re making you dizzy. Close your mouth, pretend you’re blowing out a candle. That’s it. Just like that.” His hand moved up and down her spine, long, slow gentle strokes that soothed and calmed. “I’m here. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
She clung to his shoulders, to hard muscle and warm strength. He was the only solid, safe thing in her world, and she held on like a climber about to fall from a rock face. “Lizzy—”
“She’s safe, right here. You’re both safe.”
From somewhere in the darkness she heard Lizzy’s voice. “Is she sick? Is she going to die?”
She didn’t hear his response because the sky and his face started to spin together, and she realized with horrible clarity that she was going to pass out. And if she passed out she wouldn’t be there for the child. “She can’t go in the sea. She mustn’t go in the sea. Promise me.”
“No one is going in the sea.” His voice was strong and sure. “You need to relax.”
She tried to say something. Tried to tell him she couldn’t relax. She wanted to warn him he needed to take care of Lizzy, but then darkness poured in where there should have been light, and the last thing she remembered were powerful arms catching her as she fell.
*
HE’D NEVER SEEN anyone so pale. Lying on the sofa back in Castaway Cottage, Emily’s cheeks were as white as a Maine winter, the only color in her face the dark shadow of her lashes and the soft pink of her mouth. Still shaken by the moment she’d crumpled in front of him, Ryan reached for his phone and was about to call the medical center when she opened her eyes.
“Thank God.” He put the phone down so that he could have both hands free if she passed out on him again. “You had me seriously worried.” He’d handled panic attacks before, but none as acute and inexplicable as the one he’d just witnessed. He wanted to understand the cause. A glance at their surroundings had revealed nothing obvious, and gentle questioning of Lizzy had revealed no clues.
Emily struggled to sit up, but he pushed her flat and then wished he hadn’t. For the first time since he’d first met her, she had left her hair loose, but even those tumbling curls failed to hide the shape of her breasts clearly visible through the fabric of her pajamas. He’d found himself wishing that whatever had triggered the panic had occurred after she’d dressed.
He wondered what it said about him that she was lying there dazed and vulnerable, and he was thinking about sex.
“Stay there.” He shifted slightly, but his attempts to stop her sitting up had shifted her pajama top, giving him a perfect view of the swell and dip of her breasts. “Don’t move.” He spoke between his teeth, and she looked confused.
“Are you all right?” Emily asked.
“You scared the shit out of me.”
Her eyes were soft and dazed. “I’m sorry.”
Nowhere near as sorry as he was going to be if he didn’t get himself under control. “I’m calling a doctor.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“Emily, you passed out.”
“I’m fine now.”
“Has it ever happened before?”
She gave a brief shake of her head. “No.”
“I’m taking you to the medical clinic.” Somewhere he wouldn’t be able to lay a finger on her, preferably with a large expanse of water between them. “Or maybe the mainland. You should have tests.”
“I don’t need tests.”
“One moment you were sprinting across the sand as if you were trying to break records, and the next you collapsed.”
Aware that Lizzy had been watching, scared, he’d tried to look as if this was normal behavior. As if having a panic attack on a beach was nothing out of the ordinary.
He’d held her, calmed her, breathed in the summer scent of her and tried to forget she was built like Venus. He was fairly sure she’d forgotten she was wearing nothing but thin silk pajamas.
“Where’s Lizzy?” Her voice was urgent, and he could see she was about to drag herself from the sofa and prove to herself that the child was safe.
“She’s fine. She’s in the garden with Cocoa.”
“The front door—”
“I locked it.”
“She—”
“I know. She told me she stood on the chair to get the bucket. She told me you’d forbidden her from going to the beach.” And he wanted to know why. In fact, he had so many damn questions, it was a struggle to hold them back. He intended to ask them later, but first he needed to be sure she wasn’t going to pass out again. “Are you feeling dizzy?”
“No. You must think I’m crazy.”
“What I think,” he said slowly, “is that something scared you. Do you want to tell me what?”
“I woke up and found her gone. Saw the door open. I thought—”
“What? That the press had found you? That she’d been taken? Are you worried about kidnappers?”
“No. Not that.” Before she could say anything else, Lizzy came back into the room with Cocoa at her heels. She stopped in the doorway when she saw Emily sitting up.
“You’re awake.”
“Yeah, she’s awake.” Ryan rocked back on his heels, knowing that whatever it was Emily had been about to tell him was going to have to wait. “Come and say hi.” He knew children denied the truth would often imagine something far worse. It was important for her to see that nothing bad had happened.
Lizzy slid onto the sofa and looked anxiously at Emily. “Are you still mad at me?”
“I was never mad at you.”
“You were screaming. You squeezed me hard.”
“I was scared. I was mad at myself for falling asleep and not watching you properly. I—I was worried something might happen to you—” Her throat worked as she swallowed. “I’m sorry if I scared you. We’ll talk about it properly, but not right now.”
“You fell and I thought you’d died.”
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry I gave you a fright.” The guilt in her eyes told him just how seriously she took the role of guardian.
Lizzy crawled closer. “Ryan said you weren’t dead, just sleeping. I guess you were really tired.”
“That’s right.” Her voice sounded husky. “Tired. And worried, because the door was open and you were gone.”
“I wanted to dig in the sand. I wanted to use my pink bucket.”
“I know. I should have done it with you, then you wouldn’t have felt as if you had to do it on your own. Next time I want you to ask me.” She looked exhausted, drained, and Ryan could see the effort it took her to put her own feelings second and reassure the child.
He encouraged Lizzy to go back into the garden with Cocoa. The resilience of children never ceased to amaze him. He knew it would be a long time until he forgot the raw fear in Emily’s face as she’d sprinted across the sand to grab Lizzy. He could still feel the way her body had trembled against his, the way her fingers had dug into his shoulders.
Guilt chafed, like sand in a shoe. “I never should have bought that damn bucket.”
“It’s not your fault. It’s all me.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“I had a bad night. Slept late.” She lay against the cushions, pale and exhausted. “When I woke, the house was quiet. And then I came downstairs and saw the chair by the shelves.”
“Yeah, I saw that. I assumed you’d done it.”
“No. I put the bucket out of reach because I was afraid she might grab it and take it to the beach.”
“And she did.”
“I saw the front door open. All I saw was the sea and I thought—I thought—” Anxious, she shot to her feet and swayed. “You’re sure the front door is locked?”
“Yes, and the key is in my pocket.” He wondered if she knew her pajamas were virtually see-through when she stood in front of the light. He could see the fluid curves of her body through the thin fabric. “Sit down, Emily.”
“I’m fine.”
He wasn’t. He wanted to peel off those pajamas and explore every inch of that creamy skin with his mouth. “Sit down before you fall.”
She sank back onto the sofa and closed her eyes. “I should have hidden the key. I put her at risk.”
“Risk of what?”
“She’s six years old, Ryan.”
“I sense this isn’t a generic risk we’re talking about. I’d like to understand what sent you flying across the sand like a champion sprinter.”
“I was trying to reach her. Trying to stop her going in the water. It’s my job to protect her.”
“Why would she have gone into the water?” He cast his mind back. “She was digging. She wasn’t interested in the water.”
“Children love the water.”
And he knew from her bloodless cheeks that the issue here wasn’t the bucket or even the fact that Lizzy had left the house. It was the sea. The sea was the reason she spent her time in the kitchen. The reason she sat with her back to the water and didn’t want to go out in his boat.
“Talk to me.” He kept his voice gentle. “Tell me what that was all about, because we both know it wasn’t about Lizzy.”
She curled her legs under her. “You’re right, it isn’t about her. It’s about me. I’m not the right person.”
“The right person for what?”
“To be looking after a child.”
He remembered feeling the same way, even though in his case the real burden had fallen on his grandmother. “I know all this has come as a shock to you. You haven’t had time to get used to the idea that you’re her guardian, but you will.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I remember staring at my sister who was asleep in the middle of my bed, and my grandmother telling me we were all she had. I wanted to run like hell in the opposite direction before I could screw it up, because I knew I would. There were a million ways to do things wrong, and I didn’t know how to do them right. Trust me when I say I know it feels like an overwhelming responsibility you’re not qualified for, but you’re going to be fine. You muddle through, twelve hours at a time.”
“No, you really don’t understand. I’m not the right person.” Her fierce tone caught his attention.
“Why aren’t you the right person?”
She stared at a point on his chest, her fingers clenched in her lap and then finally lifted her head and looked at him. “Because I killed my sister. She died because of me.”