Ever since I watched Pinocchio as I child, I knew a conscience was an important thing. Every time that little puppet went against the advice of Jiminy Cricket, he got himself in trouble. Heck, he’d almost been turned into a donkey! Those were some pretty severe consequences, and all that kid wanted to do was have fun with his friends. What would be the consequence if he decided that supplying the drug trade with an essential ingredient to make heroin was a good idea? I couldn’t imagine the consequences would be good, and those Disney people had really crazy imaginations. I couldn’t even reason it away as being ‘just flowers’. Because they weren’t just flowers. They were drugs.

After Nate’s ute broke down from a lack of fuel, I walked until I made it to a little town called Narooma. There wasn't much there, which was just as well because it was the perfect place to sit and think. To be honest, I spent that entire first week wallowing in my sorrows, drinking wine from a cask and watching free-to-air television. Microwave meals had become my staple. It didn’t really matter what they tasted like because I wasn’t really tasting anything; I only ate to assuage the ache in my stomach.

I’d holed up in a place called the Coastal Comfort Motel. It was nice enough and didn’t cost me a fortune considering I had no idea when I’d work up the energy to decide what to do next. The ocean was close by, and at night I would sit outside and stare out at the water, thinking about my time with Nate and how much I missed being around him—his smell, his laugh… I even missed his bad morning breath.

I missed Nate.

So.

Much.

But my husband was a thief. I accepted that much about him. I’d even deigned to live with it if it meant we could be together, but learning that my husband was also involved in the drug trade? How could I be OK with that? How could I live in that house knowing it was purchased with the proceeds from the misery of other people’s desperate addiction? I’d witnessed that addiction first-hand with Alesha’s mother. It tore families apart and turned good, normal people into the worst version of themselves.

There had to be a line somewhere. I couldn’t cross that far. I had to go.

But I missed him. My heart ached each time it beat without him. My lungs burned, trying to breathe the air he wasn’t breathing too. There were moments when I didn’t want to keep going when I knew I wouldn’t have the chance look into his eyes or touch his skin again. I was never going to be the same. I’d had true love, and now it was gone.

Why did my soulmate have to be a bad man?

Perhaps Alesha’s God could tell me that. He was supposed to be a lover of tests, after all. But what was the point of this test? What was the reason behind completing my heart and then breaking it apart again? I couldn’t understand.

Two days into the second week, I was staring at the ceiling, trying to work out if the flaking of paint near the light fitting was due to a collection of moisture or age. It was fascinating stuff, not to be outdone by the hour I’d spent trying to count how many bugs had met their doom after venturing into the light fitting. The count? Thirty-two, and an indistinctive blob of them I couldn’t decipher any individuality from. But there I was, contemplating the moisture-versus-time debate when there was a knock on my door.

There was only one person who ever knocked on my door: the daughter of the owners, who came around to vacuum and ask if I wanted any clean linens. I didn’t even want her to vacuum, but I got up to let her in nonetheless.

“How the fuck?” I muttered when I opened the door to find Toby on the other side.

“Credit card,” he replied simply, stepping into the room without being invited.

“Of course that’s something you’d do.” Closing the door, I followed him in and took a seat on the vinyl chair that went with the tiny dining table provided with my room. “I’d offer you something, but I have nothing but an empty cask of wine.” I waved my hand around nonchalantly.

“It’s fine. I don't need anything.”

“Then what are you doing here? Please tell me you’re not planning on swooping in now that Nate and I are….” I swallowed hard, unable to say the words ‘broken up’ before tears hit my eyes.

“No, Holland,” he said gently. “That’s not who I am.”

“Then what is this? Are you running away too?”

“I wish. I actually came to pick up Nate’s ute and give you these.” He pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and placed them on the table in front of me.

“Are these…? Are they my keys?”

“Your car is parked outside. You can return to your apartment—all your stuff is there—and there won’t be any consequence. Nate’s seen to it.”

“He’s seen to it,” I repeated, poking my finger through the ring in the centre of the keys. I didn’t think I even wanted to guess what that meant. “So you knew, didn’t you? About the… flowers?”

He nodded. “Nate’s been playing his own game for years. We chose not to be a part of it because the risk is far greater when you get involved with those kinds of people, but Nate’s always dreamed big and wanted more. He was like that even as kids.”

“But to what end? It’s not like he can quit if he gets bored. Seems he’ll be stuck growing those things until he either dies or gets caught. And what happens if the harvest is bad, or if the weather goes to shit and that gully floods? What happens if there’s a fire?”

Toby chuckled. “You sure do ask a lot of questions. But I’m sorry. I don’t have the answers to any of them. I stay out of the poppy business as best I can. I doubt Nate would tell me even if I asked.”

“That’s what I expected, I suppose. Nate’s need to protect is far greater than his need to share.”

“Yes.” Toby folded his hands in front of him. I looked away and tried not to cry. “He’s hurting too,” he whispered finally.

“Good,” I replied, my tears falling at last. It sounded spiteful, but it wasn’t. I simply felt that if a couple who loved as hard as Nate and I didn’t hurt when it ended, it wouldn’t be fair. I wiped at my face and sniffed. “What are you going to do now?”

“Get some petrol for the ute you abandoned, then drive it back home.”

“Not right now,” I explained. “For your future. Are you going to stay, or are you going to chase your dreams?”

He pressed his lips together and shrugged. “I don’t know, Holland. I’ve spent my lifetime taking orders. Maybe I don’t know how to be my own boss.” I stared a moment into his kind and weary eyes. I could see the struggle in them.

“I’m sorry, Toby,” I said, placing my hand over his. “That day at the wedding, I shouldn’t have insulted you the way I did.”

“It was all true. You’re a far braver woman than I am a man. You took off when you were given the chance. Me, I just keep staying.”

“It wasn’t brave, Toby. I ran scared. It would’ve been brave to stay, to love purely despite the danger. At the end of the day, I chose myself over Nate.”

“I don’t think he sees it that way.”

“That’s because he told me to run. He chose me over himself.”