* * *

“Oh damn!” I gave myself one last look in the rearview mirror before grabbing my backpack from the passenger seat and jumping out of the car.

A look around the parking lot did not brighten my mood one iota. It was as if everyone was waiting around for me to show up.

It was getting harder and harder to show up here and the weekends, which used to come around way too fast when I didn’t want it to, when school was my happy place, now seems to drag ass just to be contrary. Fuck my life!

I pretended interest in my phone so I didn’t have to see the stares. This way I won’t have to slap the shit out of the first person to say the wrong damn thing to me today. It was that kind of day and it hadn’t even started.

It didn’t use to be like this. A month ago I’d race to get here. I couldn’t wait to see my friends and hear the noisy chatter of the other students as they gave each other quick rundowns of the night before.

Usually I’d be covered in friends by now, but not today. I made it all the way inside and to my locker before the whispers started.

I had to force myself to ignore and just carry on, but what I really wanted to do was turn around and go home, pull the covers over my head and sleep until this was all over.

‘I guess she’s not so high and mighty now, look at her.’ There were other things said that I didn’t hear, but there was no missing the wild laughter that followed me down the hallway.

Each time I saw someone on their phone I got a sickening cramp in my tummy and my palms broke out in a sweat.

I’ve been holding it together these last few weeks, but I’m not sure I can do this much longer. It was getting so this place was beginning to feel like a prison, one I couldn’t escape from.

I escaped into the classroom long before it was time for class to begin and tried to play a game on my phone to pass the time.

It was no use, you can run from a lot of things but you can’t run from your own thoughts. I didn’t miss the students that walked by and looked in at the spectacle of me sitting there alone. Or the way most of them whispered behind their hands.

When was this shit going to end? I have one more month of high school and then I don’t have to see any of these jerks again, but that month is going to kick my ass.

I felt him as soon as he entered the room and as much as I told myself not to look I couldn’t help myself.

My heart hurt so much when he kept his head turned and if my knees hadn’t gone weak I would’ve jumped up from my desk and left the building.

This wouldn’t be so hard if I hadn’t been the one to screw up, if I could take the high road. But I was the one who’d made the biggest mistake of my life and lost the only boy I knew I’d ever love.

I formed his name on my lips but no sound came, and then the room begun to fill and I lost my chance. I wanted to cry but I don’t think there were any tears left.

It’s been two weeks and I still cry myself to sleep at night. I can’t talk to anyone about what’s bothering me, the person I thought was my best friend after him was part of the problem, and my mom who I can share anything with was never to find out what an ass her daughter had been.

I got a cramp in my tummy at the thought of mom and dad finding out what I’d done. Dad would lock me in my room and throw away the key, and mom would just give me one of her disappointed looks that was almost worst than an open hand slap across the face.

I didn’t hear a word the teacher said and was the first one out the door when the bell rang. I hoofed it to my next class and did pretty much the same.

If I hadn’t already taken all my classes and been accepted to a good university I would be in fear of my grades, but we were just going through the motions now until time ran out.

Lunch was the usual horror it had become since the incident. No one sat with me; I’d become contagious.

I wanted to jump to my feet and yell at them all to look at me, to see what their silence was doing to me, how it made me feel. But I knew I wouldn’t.

Instead I sat there chewing the same piece of lettuce for three minutes. I felt sick when just that little bit hit my stomach and just gave up the pretense of eating altogether.

I wanted my mom, was tempted to call her and spill my guts, but I couldn’t. I can’t bear to disappoint one more person I love.

It didn’t help that Brandon seemed to be just as miserable as I was. It didn’t help either that all the girls I’d once called my friends were now vying for his attention.

Anger mixed with the sadness and I just wanted to die. I never knew you could feel this lonely while surrounded by so many people.

Even though there was laughter and loud talking, the silence inside was deafening. There was only one thing on my mind, the same thing that had been there for the past two weeks, the thing that had destroyed my life.

Did they think I couldn’t see them staring, whispering, pointing? Did they think I didn’t know what was the topic on everybody’s tongue?

When it got to be too much I got up and left. The tears didn’t start until I made it to the stall in the bathroom. At least there was that. I wouldn’t embarrass myself farther in front of the whole school.

My tears were interrupted by the retching sounds I made when my gorge rose. I knelt over the toilet and threw up bile since there was nothing inside me to lose.

It had been days since I’d really eaten anything and I felt weak when I got to my feet and headed to the sink to get cleaned up.

“Oh why are you doing this to yourself Kristi?” I’d only come here in the off chance that he’d talk to me and so I wouldn’t have to explain to mom why I was ditching.

But now that I was truly sick, I could just go home and hide from the world. I couldn’t even bear to look at myself in the mirror as I washed my hands and left.

It was easy enough getting a pass from the dragon in the principal’s office. I must’ve looked horrible because she didn’t even make me play twenty questions.

I drove home slowly because I could hardly see through the tears that fell from my eyes. I wiped them away for the third time and told myself that I was done.

But all it took was the vision of Brandon’s face to start the waterworks going again. I felt the loss keenly as I pulled into my driveway and saw his house across the street.

That used to be my second home. Now those doors too were closed to me. The thought of what they knew or might’ve been told gutted me, and my face burned with shame.

I sat in the driveway and cleaned my face before going inside to face mom. I didn’t even stop to admire the flowers mom and I had put in a few weeks ago that were now showing signs of life.

I didn’t wave to my neighbor next door even though I saw her there, and when she called out to me I just sped up my pace.

Great, just one more innocent person you’ve crapped on. If I felt any lower I’d be a slug. I took a deep breath before opening the door, hoping I got through the next five minutes without giving anything away.

“Hi mom.” Just get this over with don’t break in front of her.

“Kristi?” She came from the kitchen wiping her hands on a dishtowel. “What’re you doing home so early? Are you sick, did something happen at school?”

She followed me halfway up the stairs. “I’m fine mom, just feeling a little under the weather. I’ll talk to you after I’ve had some rest.” Of course she ignored me and placed her hand on my forehead.

“You’re not hot, what is it? You don’t look so good.”

“It’s nothing mom. I just caught some stupid bug, I’ll be good as soon as I get some sleep.”

I made my escape quickly and closed and lock my door. I didn’t breathe easy again until I heard her footsteps retreating.

I dropped my bag beside my bed and didn’t even bother to remove my shoes as I climbed in under the blanket. The tears just free flowed now and my heart broke into a thousand pieces

I had to bury my head in the pillow so the sound of my sobs didn’t carry down the stairs. I know my mom and she’d have her ears pricked for any little sound coming from my room.

Sometimes I wish she wasn’t so attentive, but then I feel bad. I was her miracle baby after two miscarriages and eighteen years later she still treats me like she’d just brought me home from the hospital.

I think that’s the only reason I hadn’t done something drastic in the last two weeks. But it was getting harder not to. I couldn’t believe it had come to this; that my once sunshiny life had gone to shit.

My phone jingled and I remembered that I hadn’t exited the chat I’d been a part of with my friends for the past two years. I really didn’t need to look but I couldn’t help myself. I should’ve.

Jill: ‘Did you see her run out of school today?’

Casey: ‘Who didn’t? And the best part, Brandon didn’t even seem to notice, he just didn’t care.’

“April: ‘She’s such a dumb bitch for letting him go. And now they’re going to the same school next fall. I wonder where she’s gonna run to then.’

A long line of LOLs followed from everyone on chat. Everyone would be Jill, Casey, April and Beth, my friends. That lonely feeling came back tenfold and I felt the shakes coming on.

I read some more of what they had to say, wondering if they knew that I was there and was doing it for my benefit. I couldn’t believe some of the things they said, some of the names they called me.

These were supposed to be my friends. I’ve known them since middle school. They were supposed to know me better than anyone and yet, they were the first to turn on me.

I pushed the phone under the other pillow out of sight and tried closing my eyes, as if that would make it all go away.

I ignored the constant ding of my phone too hurt to see any more of what my friends thought of me.

Just a month ago I was the most popular girl in school. I had the most stable home life, wore the best clothes and was the only one of my friends who got a new luxury car for her birthday at sixteen.

Everyone else had to go to the used car lot to get midrange models while my daddy had spoilt his little princess with a Mercedes Cabriolet.

I couldn’t even find joy in any of the things that I had once found so exciting. My car, my new Gucci bag mom had got me for doing well on my SATs, or the fact that I had got into the Ivy League school of my choice, where my sexy boyfriend would also be attending.

“Oh no, I can’t.” I flew off the bed and into my en suite bathroom to throw up air again. It hurt so much, like the worst period cramps, a migraine and nausea all rolled into one.

My head kept spinning back to the same thing. The nice cushy life I used to have was over and I had no one to blame but myself.