I woke up to an empty bed. Not the kind of empty bed where you felt alone, just the kind that made you curious. It didn’t take long to figure out where and what Samuel was doing. I could hear music in the kitchen below me. And I could hear Samuel singing along. He wasn’t a terrible Hozier impersonator. I got out of bed as quietly as I could and put on just enough clothing to cover the goods. I tiptoed down the stairs as quietly and quickly as I could. I had to see this. I ducked down as I descended the stairs and thankfully his back was to me. He was using a spatula as a microphone and had his hands on his chest to “be soulful” and I heard a deep, loud “aaaaaaamen” belt out from his perfect lips. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and started to giggle and clap.

Samuel jerked around to see me, surprised and red-faced. “Oh my god,” he said, covering his face with his hands.

“Oh, please continue. Unless you want me to buy a ticket? I snuck in the back for free.” I laughed.

“I’m probably never going to hear the end of this, huh?”

“No, I think it’s safe to say it will be a go-to story in the future.”

He shook his head in that way people do when they realize they don’t have the upper hand in the situation. “Well, I guess I’ll have to let everyone know that you snore. Like a lot.” He tilted his head at me.

“I don’t snore! And besides, even if I did, no one would believe you because I’m a girl and girls don’t snore. That’s just a fact.” I tilted my head in return.

“That’s the biggest lie ever,” he said, laughing. He walked around the edge of the counter and put his arms around me. He kissed me on the forehead and rubbed the small of my back. I may have made some kind of moan-like noise but I wasn’t even sure.

“I made you breakfast,” he said, his forehead pressed against mine.

“You did? What am I having?” I asked.

“French toast and bacon. I also cut up some fruit,” he said.

While that all sounded really delicious, I was hungry for a lot more this morning. I sat down and he placed a plate in front of me, along with a bottle of syrup, a fork, and coffee. It wasn’t black either. Before taking a seat across from me, he looked me up and down. By this point, he realized I wasn’t wearing much. I’d elected for a long scoop neck t-shirt and nothing underneath, although he didn’t exactly know that. I caught his stare and raised an eyebrow at him. He settled into his chair.

I looked across the table at him and tilted my head in disappointment, pouting my lip out.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“You just seem so far away now,” I said. Gross, what am I saying?

Samuel’s face was thinking now. He stood up and came around the table, pushing me and my plate over a bit. He grabbed his chair and sat it next to mine. He dragged his plate across the table and grabbed his fork. He smiled at his genius. “Is this better, my dear?” he asked.

We were now both on the same side of the small round kitchen table. He rubbed the top of my thigh with his left hand while he held his fork in the other. I smiled.

“I suppose this will do quite nicely. For now,” I said. I started stabbing pieces of French toast with my fork.

“For now?” he asked. “You would prefer me closer than this?”

“For now. Until you can be inside me again.” I looked at him, hungry for something other than fruit. He coughed a bit on the bite in his mouth, surprised at my boldness. What could I say? I could be a deviant. I wasn’t ashamed of that.

He looked at me, eyes wild. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

We finished the rest of our breakfast quietly while the heat slowly built up between us. I was putting my plate into the sink when I felt his hands slide around me. He started kissing my shoulder and up my neck, softly at first and then it became increasingly more intense. I felt a bite and unraveled. I turned around and leaned into him, kissing his mouth, running my hands over his back, pulling him into me. He ran his hands over my ass and lifted me up onto the edge of the counter. I wrapped my legs around him and hiked my t-shirt up to my hips. He ran his hand up my thigh and pulled his head back from kissing me.

“No panties?” He grinned.

“Sometimes they’re just unnecessary,” I whispered against his ear.

I was running my finger inside the edge of his shorts, tugging at them. He covered my mouth with his again and I ripped his shorts down. I ached for him. He pushed his hand further up my shirt and took my nipple into his mouth and all at once he was inside me. He pushed inside me over and over again. I threw my head back and moaned into the air. I clawed at his back. This was different than last night. This was more instinctual, more ferocious. This was something we had been waiting for, something we had been building up to. We fucked on the kitchen counter like two teenagers or newlyweds who couldn’t keep their hands off each other. It was a moment of pure passionate wanting.

“Delilah?” he breathed.

“Yes?” I moaned.

“I want this. I want this forever. I want you,” he groaned against my neck.

This was it. This was the moment that solidified it for me. I had let him in. All the way. I wasn’t afraid of him, had nothing to hide from him anymore. I had given him the keys to the castle. Whatever I had to offer him was within his reach now. This was the moment I knew I might not be alone forever, that I might not have to always think in terms of me. Maybe one day in the future, I’d be brave enough to think in terms of an us again. If I had learned anything, I had learned you can be you and you can be part of a we at the same time. You didn’t have to disappear. You didn’t have to fade into an expectation or an ideal. You didn’t have to lose yourself to gain love. And you shouldn’t lose yourself to feel loved. I knew that now. And I knew that no matter what it was that had opened me up, I never wanted to be closed again. I was hoping the need for radical self-preservation was over. But hope was an awful thing. The act of hoping was futile. All I could do was wait. Wait and see.