Jeff was standing in my doorway. Just standing there, staring at me as I stared back at him. What the fuck?

“You look surprised to see me,” he said, smiling.

His voice was fuzzy and my head was spinning. It seemed like everything was in slow motion. I hadn’t seen him in so long. I wasn’t even sure I believed he was standing here now. Maybe this was a dream I was going to wake up from. Twenty seconds or two hours passed and I said nothing.

“Are you going to invite me in?” he asked.

I kept standing here, mouth slightly open. I’m not even sure I was in possession of my own faculties as I pulled the door open wider, letting him walk past me to the couch.

Jeff looked around as he entered the living room and sat down. I stayed at the door staring out into the driveway and beyond. He was alone. I closed the door slowly, wondering if I should close it at all, or if I should keep it open, just in case.

“You’ve put yourself a nice little place together here, Lil.”

He always called me Lil and I always hated it. Hearing it now made me cringe. I stayed a steady distance away from him, standing guard of my own body, hands balled into fists at my sides. “What do you want?” I asked rigidly.

“Well, that’s not exactly a warm greeting,” he said.

“It wasn’t meant to be,” I snapped.

“Fine. Okay, I get that you might be a little mad at me. I get that you might even hate my guts. I guess that’s fair.”

“You guess? You fucking guess?” I growled.

“Okay, okay, Lil. I get it. I was terrible. I made some mistakes. But everything I did, I did with good intentions.” Jeff shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal and I wanted to beat him with the lamp sitting next to him.

“Good intentions? Good intentions? No one does what you did to the woman they supposedly love with good intentions. No one,” I said.

“Fine,” he said.

His lack of concern or understanding was really starting to irritate me. There was no use trying to make him get it. “So what do you want, Jeff? Just get to it.”

“Well, I don’t really know. I just started driving, thinking I needed to come talk to you.”

“And you didn’t think to just call?”

“I didn’t think you’d take my call,” he said.

“You thought right. You’re lucky I even let you in.”

He sat in silence for a moment, shifting his weight. I kept my eyes on him. He looked thinner than the last time I saw him. He looked more worried, too. Less at ease than his usual confident self.

“The woman I left you for is pregnant,” he finally said.

“I know,” I said.

“You do?” he asked, confused.

“Yep.”

“I’m worried. I don’t know what to do. I’m worried about losing her. My little girl,” he said.

He didn’t even seem concerned about how I knew. I felt all the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like crying. I felt everything. I felt jealous. Why is he telling me this? Why the fuck does he think this is something I want to hear? Doesn’t he understand that it hurts? “Well, congratulations to you and yours. I hope you’re both very happy with the new addition to your family.”

“Lil, don’t be like that.”

“I hate it when you call me Lil,” I said coldly.

“Oh. I didn’t know.”

“I know. You never listened. You never cared. You never took anything I wanted or needed into consideration. It was all about you, all about what you wanted,” I said coldly.

I didn’t know what got into me, but I think I just finally had enough. I couldn’t take one more comment, one more hurtful thing from him. It was finally time. I was finally ready to tell him everything I had wanted to say for years. I didn’t know why right then felt right but I wasn’t going to question it. I was just going to let it flow out of me without a filter. He deserved every word of it. I had nothing to feel bad about anymore.

“I’m done, Jeff. I’m done. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to be your friend. I just want to forget you. I want to forget everything you did to me. But I can’t. Do you know why, Jeff? Do you? Do you even understand? I either can’t sleep at all or I sleep as long as my body will allow me just so I don’t have to feel anything. Do you know what that’s like? Of course not because you can’t even come to terms with the fact that what you put me through hurt me. You can’t even look yourself in the mirror and see yourself for the monster you became with me. I’m just done with you, with all of it. I don’t want to have it hanging over me anymore. I think you need to leave. Now.”

Jeff was just sitting there, staring at me, seemingly shocked. He stood up and moved toward me. I stepped back instinctively. He put his arms out, and I put my fists up. He held out his palms as if to signal he meant no harm. And he hugged me. I stood stiff, elbows angled, waiting for it to be over but he just held me tighter and tighter. Tears began to fall down my cheeks onto his shoulder but I didn’t say a word and I didn’t hug him back. His grip started to tighten even more and I started to struggle against him. I didn’t want this.

“Let go, Jeff!” I yelled. But he held me in my place and backed me into the wall.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he said.

“No, it’s not. Let me go!” I yelled louder. I wiggled myself side to side, pushed my arms out and away from me to try to pry him off but it was like trying to move stone. The past came crashing back down on me and I recounted too many familiar scenes in my mind. I remembered each time Jeff held me too tightly and what happened next. Oh, god, not this. Not this again.

Just as my body began to slouch, I felt Jeff’s body jerking away from mine in one fluid motion. I fell to my knees and looked up to see Samuel pulling Jeff away by his shirt. He whirled Jeff around as if he weighed nothing. Samuel’s eyes met Jeff’s and for a moment, he paused. It was strange; I couldn’t tell what the look on his face was. Recognition? I could see his arms flexing in anger. He reared back his fist and connected with Jeff’s jaw.

He grabbed Jeff by his collar and pulled him really close to his face, looking him in the eye. “If you ever so much as set foot in this city ever again, you are going to have a problem. Do you understand me? Never come back here. Never contact Delilah. Ever again. Now tell me you understand,” Samuel said.

I’d never seen this side of Samuel. He was aggressive, protective. It caught me off guard.

“I understand,” Jeff choked out between gasps.

Samuel escorted him to the door and shoved him out, slamming the door behind him. He stood there for a moment with his hand still on the door and looked over at me. His face was scrunched up with worry and something else, some kind of sadness. What on earth just fucking happened?

Samuel rushed over to me and crouched down next to me. He put his arms around me. He was so warm. I melted into him. I let myself go. I started sobbing. He didn’t say anything for a while. He just sat here letting me cry into his shirt.

“Are you okay? I saw the car outside and your door was cracked open and I just felt uneasy,” he said.

“No,” I said. “But not for the reasons you might think.”

He started looking me up and down as if he were searching for wounds I didn’t have. “What’s wrong?” He looked at my face and waited for a response. He collected my fallen hair and tucked it behind my left ear, resting his hand just below my jaw.

I could feel his thumb caressing my skin. My toes curled. “I made a mistake, Samuel. I made a mistake because I was afraid. I’m still afraid but I think it might be worth it to find out if I don’t have to be anymore,” I said.

Samuel began to smile that warm, sweet smile of his. God, he was beautiful. His hand slid up my cheek and he leaned in closer to me.

“Delilah, I want you to listen to me very carefully. I really want you to hear me when I say this. Are you ready?”

“Ready,” I breathed, shutting my eyes.

“You never have to be afraid again. Unless you’re afraid of me kissing you, Delilah. Because I am going to kiss you right now,” he whispered.

My eyes shot open. I felt like he was staring straight through me with his dark brown eyes. He rubbed the tip of his thumb over my bottom lip as he bit his own. He leaned his whole body into mine and slowly pressed his mouth against mine. I closed my eyes again, feeling everything this moment had to offer.

I could feel the sharp inhale of my lungs as the kiss deepened and his hand moved into my hair. I could feel my body stiffening, melting, and stiffening again. I could feel things deep in the center of me that I hadn’t felt in years.

I let go. He held on.