I awoke to the soft touch of a finger gliding up and down the bridge of my nose. I fought against it, hoping if I kept my eyes shut sleep would find me again. It was Emma. I knew it was Emma without looking because this is how she woke me up every time I had ever been sleeping around her. What on earth did I do last night? So much alcohol. I wondered if she was going to scold me.

I opened one eye just enough to see Emma beaming back at me. This was not how Saturday mornings were supposed to feel.

“Good morning, my little fish,” she said.

“Fish?” I asked.

“Yes, because you consumed liquid like air last night,” she snorted.

“Oh, yeah. That. Ughhhhh, that was dumb.”

“No, it was fine…until the kissing…and also the vomiting,” she said.

“Kissing?!” I yelped. It was worse than I feared. Oh my god.

“Yes. Apparently, making out with semi-attractive men and grinding all over them is something you do now.” She laughed.

I slapped my forehead. “What does semi-attractive mean?” I asked, afraid of the answer.

“Well, it means he wasn’t hideous. But he also wasn’t someone you’d make out with when you were sober.”

“Oh my god. Why? Why did I do that?” I shook my head.

“Do you want the real answer or do you want the answer you want?” she asked.

“What does that even mean? Are you saying they aren’t the same?”

“Yes, that’s what I am saying. You want the answer to be something about just being a single woman and having fun but that’s not the truth.” She uncovered herself. Apparently, she slept in my bed with me last night.

Because she’s a better friend than I am. “Okay, then what’s the truth?” I asked, afraid of this answer, too.

“You like him. And it’s obvious to me because I’ve known you for so long. And I think it’s obvious to him, too. And I think it’s obvious to you but you don’t want to embrace it,” she said, staring at me so intensely I’m pretty sure she could see into me.

I had to contemplate this for a moment. I mean, of course I liked Samuel. What was not to like? I mean, he’s attractive. Okay, he’s way attractive. So attractive I’m pretty sure looking directly at him for an extended period of time would blind me and I’d be okay with it because he would be the last beautiful thing I ever saw. And he’s intelligent and makes me laugh of course. All those standard things. But more than that, he’s comfortable. I think that’s what it is. He’s really comfortable. Like my favorite sweater from eight years ago that I was desperately hoping didn’t fall apart in the dryer every time I put it in. Or when you walk into your grandmother’s house and it smells like chicken noodle soup and lavender soap. He was intoxicatingly comfortable. Fine, so I liked him, but that doesn’t change anything. No men. Nope. No men right now.

“That doesn’t really matter, Emma. I just can’t.” I shut my eyes.

“It’s been long enough, Delilah. It’s been a year. A year since you loved, since you gave yourself to another. The longer you allow yourself to sit here unhappy, the longer your garbage fire of an ex-husband wins.” Her voice was stern, scolding even.

In truth though, it had been longer than a year. But she didn’t know what the end was like.

Emma was right. She was always right. Not that I planned to voice that to her or follow her guidance. I was far too stubborn for my own good. Although, I couldn’t deny a certain yearning to be touched with love, to be loved. The entire notion scared me far more than I wanted to admit.

Emma got up and ready to leave while I lay here just a little while longer, soaking in the last few minutes of not getting up. I walked her out and headed straight for the coffee pot. I didn’t even know what time it was until I saw it on the wall clock. 11 a.m. I guess that wasn’t terrible. I started the machine up and waited patiently for my cup to fill, the sweet aroma of energy filling my senses. Maybe today would be a good writing day. It was certainly shaping up to be a good thinking day.

I sat down at my writing desk in the sunroom as the leaves outside whirled in the air. All the leaves had changed, and most had fallen. The squirrels weren’t out as much these days. They started fattening up and staying inside. I didn’t blame them. I would do the same thing if I could. I flipped my laptop open to check my email first, letting the warmth of my mug radiate to my hands as I waited for everything to boot up. I clicked on my email icon to see a couple from my agent, undoubtedly about the final touches on my recent manuscript. I saw some junk mail. And then I saw an email from Jeff. What the hell? We hadn’t spoken since he came to collect the ring from me. I hesitated, circling the cursor over the top of it a few times before finally clicking it.

Tears immediately began to fill my eyes. It was the gender announcement for his unborn child. Pink hearts, ribbons, and tiaras framed a sonogram photo with the words “IT’S A GIRL!” in pink text at the bottom. I looked up at the bar to see he had blind copied his entire address book, his ex-wife included. His ex-wife who could not carry his baby. His ex-wife who he had not removed from his address book. His ex-wife who he had raped. I didn’t know if this meant he had just forgotten about my existence entirely or just didn’t give a shit but it all felt the same. It all felt like the worst pain in the world radiating from the center of my chest. A mix of white hot anger and the bleakest sadness washed over me, leaving me gray and without words.

I shut my laptop. I walked around my desk and lay down next to the windows of my sunroom. I stared straight up at part of the ceiling and part of the sky trying to figure out the reason behind why I felt what I felt. I wasn’t jealous of them. Him and his new wife. I’m sure by now they were married. He was chomping at the bit to make it happen apparently. I definitely didn’t love him anymore. There was no doubt about that at all.

Why are you angry, Delilah? Because he’s an insensitive prick that copied me on that email and didn’t care if it would hurt me and I can’t believe I ever loved him. Why are you sad, Delilah? Because I will ache every time I see a child. Because I miss something I never had. Because I’m afraid I will never be loved. I’m afraid I will never know what it is like to have a family, to hold a part of myself and the man I love in my arms. I am afraid I will be alone forever. Worse than that, I am afraid I am too damaged to deserve better.

I lay here silently crying for a long time. The sun moved over the sky from one side of me to the other and I didn’t know how much time that was, but it felt like maybe I should get up. I needed to move. I needed to shower. I needed to go for a run. I headed back toward the bathroom, peeling my clothes off, throwing them down in the hallway.

It was time to wash this away.