I spent the next few weeks in unadulterated bliss. Jake was everything I’d ever wanted, and whilst my occupation wasn’t ideal, he told me he could deal with it as long as it was strictly business, and nothing personal. I assured him it was all it was. We were happy together, enjoyed one another’s company, and weirdly enough had started making plans for the future, but time and again, no matter how happy I felt, my mind still took me back to Declan.

It was a wet and windy Tuesday morning – early hours, and I found myself unable to sleep, so I got dressed and walked around in the rain. I don’t know what possessed me, but I found myself standing outside Declan’s house, staring up at the bedroom window. The light was on. I knew it was his room because I remembered looking out across the road into the graveyard the first night we met.

Picking up a small stone, I’d thrown it at the window before I could talk some sense into myself. Seconds later, his face appeared in the glass. He looked down, but I don’t think he could see me clearly. The rain was hammering down now, and I was soaked to the skin, shivering and cold, but I couldn’t have left there even if I wanted to. I was rooted to the spot.

He vanished from the window and the hall light came on. The door opened, and it took him a few seconds, but eventually he realised it was me.

Even at this time of night, and not expecting company my heart skipped a beat when I saw him. He was wearing tortoise shell rimmed glasses. I never knew he wore them, but it explained why he didn’t realise it was me. Cute was an understatement.

“Matt, what on earth are you doing out here in this weather?”

“I needed to see you,” was all I could say.

He stepped aside. “Come in, before you catch your death.”

I brushed past him, my teeth chattering together. “I’m sorry for turning up like this.”

“Let me get you a towel.” He rushed off upstairs and returned with an armful of towels. “Get these clothes off and I’ll put them in the wash and get them dried for you.”

I took the towel from him. “Where shall I go?”

“Go through to the living room, it’s only a bit of water. I’ll put the fire on and you’ll warm up in no time.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

“I’ll go and get you a warm drink. Make yourself comfortable.”

A few minutes later he returned with two steaming mugs. “Hot chocolate.”

I took the drink, but was reminded of Jake. He bought hot chocolates the night I bumped into Declan at Liverpool One. “Thank you. I won’t stay long.”

“Stay as long as you like and maybe you’ll finally tell me what’s been going on in your world?”

“Not much to tell you.”

“I’ve been to Temple View a few times, but you were never there.”

“Yeah, I’ve been doing most of my work through the App. It’s easier now.”

“Oh,” he said, his eyebrow cocked. “Why’s that?”

“I’ve been seeing somebody,” I said quietly. “And I really like him.”

“Then why are you here?”

“’Cos I can’t get you out of my mind and feel like walking away from you would be a huge mistake.”

I laid a dry towel on the sofa and took a seat. He sat next to me and took hold of my hand. “You’ve already told me I can’t give you what you want, but maybe this guy you’re seeing can?”

“He can give me everything I want and more – he’s amazing.” I stopped myself. “Why am I even telling you any of this?”

“Because you feel you can talk to me, maybe?”

“I shouldn’t be here telling you about my new boyfriend.”

“We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“Yes, but…”

“But what?” he asked. “I can’t pretend I’m not jealous, but the higher ground is a better place for me.”

“You’ve nothing to be jealous about. I’m here aren’t I?”

“Yes, but I’m celibate, not stupid and can see you’re conflicted. Loving two men can’t be the easiest predicament to be in.”

“Love. Who said anything about love?”

“Your eyes tell me everything I need to know. You love him, and you love me. Am I wrong?”

I stood up. “See, this is why I’m so fucked up. For years I wait for my knight in shining armour, and then two of you turn up at the same time. Trouble is, there’s a catch with both of you – Jake is too good to be true and when he sees me for what I am, he’ll run a mile, and you’re married to God.” I had to laugh. You couldn’t write this.

“Jake will see exactly what I do, and that is, a man with a huge heart, wanting love and ready for it, and if he sees anything else, he isn’t the one for you.”

“You’re too nice for this world, Declan.”

“I try and see the best in everything.”

“Why did you enter the Priesthood? The truth!”

He appeared flummoxed. “It’s not an easy question to answer, but I’ll give you the abridged version.”

“Okay.” I had no idea what he was going to tell me.

“I lost somebody very close to me, a long time ago, and at the time, I believed my calling was meant to be, but now I think it could have been a knee jerk reaction to the loss I felt.”

“Was this somebody a boy or girl?”

“A boy, but I don’t really want to go into it right now, Matt. It wasn’t what it appeared to be at the time.”

“Did you love him?”

“More than I realised when we were together.”

“But you’re still a virgin, right?” Why was I asking that?

“Yes, I didn’t lie to you about that. We only kissed.”

“Where is he now?”

“Gone,” was all he said, and I knew not to fish any further. I picked up the hot chocolate, which had cooled considerably and took a sip. “Do you have a robe I can wear? I need to get out of these clothes?”

“Yes, sorry. I totally forgot.” He dashed off. Sometimes he appeared manly, but other times, there was a geeky, bookish way about him I found endearing.

“Here, get out of those and put this on.” He turned away as I began to strip off.

“You don’t have to turn around, you’ve seen it all before.”

“I know, but…”

“A gentleman to the end,” I said, reaching forward to touch his shoulder. That moment of tenderness felt right, but I was never a cheat, and couldn’t go any further because of Jake.

“I try, now come on, you can have my bed for the night if you want and I’ll put your clothes in the machine to wash and dry.”

“Are you going to get in with me?”

“No, Matt. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” I was disappointed, and although I wouldn’t have cheated I wanted him close.

“Because I don’t trust myself, so I’ll take the spare bed.”

“Okay, but do you mind if I take another drink to bed with me?”

“Of course not, you go on up, and I’ll bring it in.”

Five minutes later, he appeared with another steaming mug of chocolate. “Sleep well,” he said.

“You too, and thanks for everything.”

“Goodnight, God bless,” he said, closing the door behind him.