14
"I think you're just being stupid, arrogant and hard-headed," Edward told me as he covered up the phone.
"Tell me how you really feel," I answered back, irritated, flipping through the classified ads and leaning back on the couch.
"He wants to talk to you. Let him," he whispered through gritted teeth as he paced back and forth.
"He's dead to me."
He sighed and put on a smile. "I'm sorry Aaron, but he must have slipped out the door before I—Sure, I'll tell him. Tonight? One second… Cody, he knows you're here, and he says tonight at the club there's going to be a big record executive."
I sighed. It had been weeks since I’d spoken to Aaron, more than that even. When Edward said that it was him on the phone I thought at first that he must have been joking; more of that dark humor of his. But no, it was Aaron, calling for me.
But what was the real reason? Was this all a ploy to get me on the phone? I considered that before remembering who I was dealing with. When it came to his career, Aaron didn't make jokes. This must have been for real. I got up and stomped toward Edward who was holding the phone out for me.
He smiled and told me, "I knew you'd come around."
But that smile dropped when I hung up the phone. "Told you I'm not going to talk to him."
"I can't believe you!" he yelled.
"Believe it. We don't need him."
"I've got a stack of bills that says otherwise."
"We'll figure it out. Besides, he's just trying to loop me back in his life so that he can have control over me—"
"Or maybe he just misses your friendship."
"If what he did was friendship, I want no part of it." I was being stubborn. Looking back, I see that now. But at that time, in that moment, Aaron was the last person I wanted to deal with. I didn't want to hear Edward’s excuses for why I should talk to him either. I didn't need any more pressure than what I was already feeling. We'd just gotten a final eviction notice, and the manager wasn't playing. I honestly had no idea how we were going to get out of this one, and the fear was starting to boil over to anger.
"Everybody messes up, Cody. Everybody," he said, coming behind me and wrapping his arms around me.
"I know that. Don't you think I know that? It probably wasn't even his idea, either. I’m sure it was the manager who said they were missing a bass player. Maybe their new one got the jitters and canceled."
"No, it wasn't him. It was me," Edward said, pulling away.
"What?" I looked back at him sharply, not sure what he meant.
"I called him. I told him that you wanted to let bygones be bygones and that you were ready to apologize," he explained.
"Apologize! Are you out of your mind? For what?"
"And start fresh," he continued as if I hadn't said anything amiss.
"Stay out of my life."
"What?"
"You heard me. What happened between him and me is between him and me." And I wasn't joking either. I was beyond mad and couldn’t believe that he did that. Sometimes his desperate need to help everybody became annoyingly intrusive.
And if that wasn’t enough, what he did next caught me off guard as I had never been before. Without a word he walked right over to me and slapped me across the face. "Don't ever tell me that again."
"Why not?" I rubbed my sore cheek, unable to believe what had just happened.
"Because you are my life," he told me softly.
Neither of us spoke. Me, because of shock and Edward, because of anger. The buzzing from the non-working heating unit wasn't making me any calmer either; boring into me, only adding fuel to the fire.
"Well, maybe I shouldn't be," I told him. "Look at our life. Look how messed up it is. Look where we're going. Nowhere. I never should have married you. I should have just let you go on living your life."
"Cody, you don't mean that," he said, voice dropping, looking hurt. His eyes were watering too. But I couldn't let that get to me. Weeks of built up frustration were finally starting to make themselves known, and I had to get it all out. Regardless of how much it hurt.
It was selfish, but at the time I could think of nothing else but getting as far away from Edward and that crummy apartment as possible.
"Oh, but I do mean it."
I slammed the door as I left. The windows vibrated behind me.
I was so steaming mad, I almost tripped down the stairs, zipping up my jacket from the cold as I left.
Autumn, my ass. The bitter wind lashed at my face and every bare bit of skin it could find. It seemed like Mother Nature had completely skipped that season on purpose, all as a means to irritate me. And it was working.
Edward had no right to interfere with my business, as far as I was concerned. The fact that he had taken it upon himself to get involved with what happened between Aaron and me irritated me to no end.
Edward hadn't even respected me enough to ask if it was alright in the first place. I was fine with him having a mind of his own. I loved that about him. I loved that he was a strong man and I wouldn't have it any other way, but I wouldn't tolerate him bulldozing all over me. He knew how I felt about Aaron and he should have stayed the hell out of it.
With no real option, I went to the nearest bar I could find. I only had a few bucks left in my pocket, but I didn't care. I wasn’t in the mood to worry about the future right now.
Besides, the money was so little that I couldn't pay any bills with it, so I figured why not spend it on booze instead. It started out as a few shots of whiskey, then vodka, then beer and then whatever else the bartender would give me.
I ignored the constant phone calls from Edward too, letting them go to voicemail.
It was mean. It was cruel. The cruelest thing I'd ever done to him in fact. And the worst part was that I hated myself for it.
Everything, all of it was my fault. I wanted him to have so much more, and the fact that I couldn’t give it to him felt like a dagger to my heart, constantly twisting itself deeper and deeper.
If I was really honest with myself, I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. I only real option I saw was messing things up with him so he'd leave. Like Aaron told me, self-sabotage. I was a coward, and that was the only thing I knew how to do.
If the way I treated Edward was bad, that was nothing. The worst was yet to come.
There was this guy here.
The sad thing is, I don't even remember his name, and I barely remember his face. But he was cute, at least as cute as that much alcohol and dim lighting can make a dude.
And I don't remember exactly what happened. All I know is that one moment he was looking at me from across the bar and the next I was kissing him in the parking lot.
His mouth tasted like an ashtray dunked in an old tub of beer, and he stunk like he hadn’t showered in days. I remember being too drunk to tell him 'no,' and really not wanting to either.
It was only when I turned to see the look on Edward's face, standing less than fifty feet away from me, holding the phone, that I sobered up enough to realize what I was doing.
They say that time stands still during times of high intensity like the one I was experiencing when your heart beats so fast that you think it might just erupt from your chest. That moment, with Edward staring at me as he looked more hurt than I had ever seen him, felt like it lasted an age. Now, as it is, I wish that it had lasted even longer.
Edward must have used GPS to find me. But how he found me didn’t really matter. Not one little bit. In fact, none of it mattered. Not the lack of money, not the way he intervened in my relationship with Aaron. None of it. All that mattered was Edward and my love for him.
I was too stupid to see that. And because of that, I may have lost him forever.