Angel
I was still shaking with anger as I left Trey’s house. I couldn’t believe him. The rotten bastard! Of all of the bad shit he’d pulled in the past, this had to be the absolute worst. If he ever thought I was going to forgive him for screaming at me like that, he was wrong. It didn’t matter if he was the best kiss, the best fuck, the best love I’d ever felt. All of that was gone. I didn’t deserve it, anyway.
My heart tugged as I turned in my seat and looked at Chuckie. He was curled up in the passenger seat, listlessly looking out the window. He hadn’t spoken to me since we’d left Trey’s house and I wondered if he was angrier with me than he’d ever been before.
“It’ll be okay, Chuckie,” I told him, reaching out and ruffling his brown hair. Like Trey’s, I could already tell it was going to get much darker as he aged. I felt a ripple of fear go through my body. If I were hurting now, how much would I hurt when Chuckie actually looked like Trey’s spitting image? How was I going to deal with having a teenage son who looked exactly like my first love? I shuddered.
“Mom, why did we have to leave?” Chuckie fussed around in the seat until his awkward legs were sticking straight out and he was facing me. “Trey was nice to us. I liked his house, Mom.”
“I did, too,” I said. Chuckie didn’t press me for an answer again and I didn’t volunteer one. It was just like what had happened on his fifth birthday.
“Hi, sweetie,” I greeted Chuckie.
He jumped up and down in excitement, his light brown hair flopping around in the fall breeze. “Hi, Mommy!” Chuckie cheered. He’d been sitting on the ground when I’d approached but now he jumped and gazed at me with a happy grin on his face. “Do you know what today is?”
“I’m not sure,” I lied, winking at Chuckie. “Isn’t it Monday?”
“Noooo,” Chuckie wailed. He giggled and launched himself at me, wrapping his tiny arms around my legs and clinging on. “No, it’s not a Monday!”
“Is it Friday?” I squatted down to Chuckie’s height and ruffled his hair. “I bet it’s Friday,” I teased. “We have the whole weekend ahead of us!” I was exhausted from school and work; finishing my MLS while working part-time at the library wasn’t fun, but I didn’t see another way around it. I only had a few months left to go, and soon I’d be able to provide for Chuckie like never before. We could finally get off the food stamps, and I’d finally have a real, salaried job.
Chuckie scrunched up his eyes and shook his head. “Well, it is Friday…” he said, sounding dejected. “But it’s also something else.”
I whipped a card out from my pocket and kissed my son on the head. “I didn’t forget your birthday, silly. And I have a special surprise for you.”
Chuckie beamed like he was lit from within. “Mommy!” He hugged me so tightly that I could barely breathe. “You didn’t forget! I knew you wouldn’t forget!”
For months, Chuckie had been begging me to take him to Chuck E Cheese. At first, I didn’t think it was possible but after scrimping and saving for months I finally had enough money to treat him to a fun night out. When I told Chuckie, he hopped up and down with such excitement that I didn’t think he was going to be able to take it. I bundled him up in the car and, before long, we were on our way. Chuckie chattered excitedly the whole way. I’d called in advance and requested a birthday cake and some pizza for the two of us. I hadn’t invited any of Chuckie’s friends, but I knew he wouldn’t care. He’d just be overjoyed to get out of the house for a few hours and play some arcade games. Chuckie had been so good lately — he hadn’t even complained when my MLS assignments took up most of the weekend. He’d just been happy to camp out in front of the television and watch cartoons while I studied and wrote. I’d never been so grateful to him for being a good kid, and I really wanted to show him.
“Mommy, this is the best!” Chuckie chirped as we pulled into the parking lot. “Did you know this place is run by a giant mouse?”
I chuckled under my breath. I remembered the commercials, probably as well as Chuckie did. They aired all the time, and it was during the heaviest of my studying that Chuckie had taken an interest in visiting Chuck E Cheese.
“All of the kids at school are gonna be so jealous,” Chuckie breathed. “Mommy, thank you!”
“I still have another surprise for you,” I said softly, thinking of the pizza and cake. “Be a good boy and you’ll get them before too much longer.”
Chuckie grinned from ear to ear. As we exited the car, he was bouncing around the parking lot like a pinball. As soon as we were inside, he rushed off in a sprint towards the game machines.
I sighed. I hadn’t expected to be included on Chuckie’s special day, which was why I’d brought my MLS materials to study with. Before too long, one of the employees sat down and started chatting with me. I laughed; he was cute, but he had to be at least five years younger than I was. He had a little blonde scruff on his chin and a messy ponytail pulled back at the nape of his neck. If I hadn’t been exhausted from studying and stressed about Chuckie hurting himself on one of the games, I would have maybe flirted with him.
“So, have you been here before?” The guy smiled at me. He gestured down to my books and notes. “I mean, you remembered to bring reading material.”
I laughed politely. It was a line I’d heard before. Since I did so much of my studying in public, it seemed like every guy in a ten-mile radius had to comment on my books.
“I knew what to expect,” I said. “My son, Chuckie, is playing over there.” I gestured to where Chuckie’s brown head was bobbing around behind a skeeball machine. “It’s his fifth birthday.”
“Five is big,” the guy said politely. He snuck a glance down at my empty left hand. “So, is there a dad in the picture?”
I shook my head quickly. “He died,” I said suddenly. “It’s just me and Chuckie.”
The guy smiled. “Chuckie, I like that,” he said. “My name’s Jason. I’m going back to school, too. What are you studying?”
“This is for my master’s degree in library science,” I told him. “I need it to work at the library. I had to put myself through school, and it’s slow going when you have a kid with more energy than the sun hanging around.”
The guy laughed and nodded. He seemed to relax and I felt my own muscles become less tense. It was nice, talking to someone. I’d actually missed it. Sure, there was no electric spark like there had been with Trey. But Jason was nice, and I was honestly pretty happy about the attention. It had been a long time since a guy had even looked twice at me, knowing I was a single mom.
“I get that,” he said. “I’m studying marine biology. I want to go work on boats on the ocean.” He stretched his arms high above his head. “You know, get away from this hole. I’ve been in Centerville my whole life, and it starts seeming a bit small after a while.”
I smiled and blushed. “I’ve been here for my whole life, too,” I said softly. “And I know what you mean. It’s claustrophobic, isn’t it?”
Jason smiled. “Yeah, sometimes I feel like I’ve seen everyone who’s ever lived here. But I haven’t seen you before. You must not get out much.”
Just at that moment, Chuckie ran back over to me. He was clutching a fistful of orange game tickets and I grinned when he stuck them in my lap.
“Mommy, can you watch these for me?” He grinned. “Please!”
I nodded. “Of course.”
“Who’s that?” Chuckie pointed to Jason. When Jason smiled, Chuckie suddenly grew shy. He ducked behind me and wrapped small, sticky fingers around my own hand. “Is he my new daddy?”
I laughed and blushed, feeling embarrassed. Jason gaped. He stood up, an anxious smile on his face.
“I see I’ve intruded,” he said. “It was nice to meet you. See you around, and good luck with your degree.”
“Thanks,” I said miserably. Something in my chest was deflating. I turned to Chuckie. For some reason, he looked incredibly upset.
“Did I ruin the surprise?” Chuckie pressed. I shook my head.
“Of course not, sweetie,” I told him. “Your surprise is pizza and ice cream cake. Isn’t that nice?”
I thought Chuckie would be overjoyed but his face was unreadable and stony. He let out long sigh. I could tell he’d worked himself into a sweat dancing and playing around the restaurant, and now he was tired. Sure enough, he let out a yawn.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” I pulled Chuckie close to me and felt his forehead. “Are you feeling sick? Do you want to go home?”
“I’m fine,” Chuckie said. He pushed past me and skittered away.
I frowned.
The rest of the night felt off. Chuckie came back to the table and dutifully ate pizza and cake with me. When the employees — minus Jason — brought out his ice cream cake, it was covered with glowing candles and a little figurine of a mouse on top. Chuckie smiled as he closed his eyes and blew out the candles. One of them came back to life and flickered on — it was one of those trick candles that wouldn’t stay out.
“I don’t get my wish,” Chuckie said sadly. He pouted and sat back down in the chair, looking up at me with big, wet eyes.
I felt horrible. I knew something must have happened, but he wasn’t talking to me about it. “What was that, honey? Do you want to come back here in a couple of months and try again?”
Chuckie pouted and for a moment, he almost looked angry. “It won’t work then!” he cried loudly. “It didn’t work today, and today was supposed to be the day where all of my wishes came true!” He started to cry as I pulled him on my lap and rubbed his fine brown hair.
“Honey, I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” I whispered into his ear. “And I want to help you, but you have to calm down, okay?”
Chuckie obediently quieted down. He climbed off my lap and ate a giant slice of cake. By the end of the evening, he was almost acting like everything was back to normal. He didn’t look at me until we were leaving. Chuckie was yawning and trailing behind me in the parking lot. He was carrying a stuffed mouse, his big prize from the evening.
“Did you have a good time?” I kept my tone cautious and light as we slipped in the car.
Chuckie nodded. He yawned again and pulled the seatbelt over his tiny frame. Soon, he’d be big enough where he wouldn’t have to sit in the booster seat every time we went on a car ride. “It was okay,” Chuckie said. “It wasn’t as much fun as I thought it would be.”
His reply was strangely intelligent for a five-year-old. “Why not, sweetie?”
Chuckie looked at me. “Because my wish didn’t come true,” he said heavily, as though he were sharing an ancient secret. “And that was really the only thing I wanted. I wanted my wish to come true.”
“And what did you wish for?” I turned in my seat and looked at Chuckie.
He shifted uncomfortably and looked away. “I wished for a daddy,” Chuckie said. A tear rolled down his cheek. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Just as I was about to say something, Chuckie opened his mouth again. “I wished for a daddy and it didn’t come true. I thought that was my new daddy talking to you but he wasn’t.” Chuckie pouted and I sensed the tantrum of a lifetime coming on. “Why can’t you give me a daddy, Mommy? That’s the only thing I really want!”
My heart broke as I turned the key in the ignition. “Sometimes, mommies do better without daddies around,” I lied. “Sometimes, mommies do much better just with their children.”
Chuckie sniffed. “But it’s not fair!” His voice was dangerously loud and I felt a headache start almost instantly. “It’s not fair! All of the other kids at school have daddies! Why can’t I have a Daddy, too!”
I didn’t know how to answer that. “I’m sorry, sweetie,” I told him. “But some families don’t have daddies. Some families don’t have mommies, either. But we have each other, and that’s what counts, right?”
Chuckie angled his small body away from mine and glared out the window. He didn’t speak for the rest of the ride home.
Chuckie coughed loudly, pulling me out of my daze. “Mommy, who are those people?” His tone was excited but guarded. “They have the same kind of bicycle that Trey had!”
For a moment, I was excited. I thought Trey had come after us, to get us, to tell us he loved us and he was ready to be a father. But what I saw made my blood run cold. Unfamiliar bikers were surrounding the car. One of them raised his fist in the air and motioned for me to pull over. Fear choked my throat and I could barely breathe. I tried to speed up but two of the bikers zoomed in front of the little car, making it impossible. I would have slammed on the brakes but there were two bikers behind me, making obscene gestures with their hands and screaming for me to pull to the side of the road.
The biker who had made the first motion pulled a gun out of his jacket. I gasped loudly.
“Mommy! What’s wrong?”
The biker laughed and pointed the gun to Chuckie’s head. I heard him dimly through the closed window. “If you don’t pull over, little kid gets it!”
My heart was pounding like a jackhammer in my chest as I pulled to the side of the road. Gradually, I slowed down and rolled over the shoulder. Chuckie was looking at me with a panicked expression.
“Mommy! What’s happening?”
“I don’t know, sweetie,” I said, trying to keep my voice neutral and even. “I don’t know, but everything’s going to be okay. Okay? I promise.”
Chuckie started to cry. As the car rolled to a stop, the bikers dismounted and walked towards me with alarming speed. One of them yanked the door open and wrapped his strong hands around my waist, pulling me out of the car. I was screaming and kicking but another one of the guys came to restrain me. These guys weren’t idiot hacks like Nick and Randy, but giant, bulky, and intimidating. The one who had grabbed me reeked of booze and I suppressed a wave of nausea as he wrangled me out of the car.
“Help!” I screamed loudly. “Help! Help!”
“You dumb bitch,” the guy said. He spat in my face and I shuddered with revulsion. “Don’t you know you’re supposed to yell ‘fire’? No one’s gonna help you, honey,” he said, letting his eyes trail down my body and linger on my chest. I shuddered. “No one’s gonna help you, and we’re here to bring you and kiddie boy to a world of pain.”
“Chuckie!” I screamed at the same time as I heard him yell, “Mommy!” at the top of his lungs, scared and loud.
“You’re both coming with us,” the biker snarled. He reached for my wrists and flipped me around, shoving my body hard against the driver’s side of my car. I felt a trickle of panic run through my body as he bound my wrists tightly. I heard the sound of duct tape ripping apart and before long, I felt a tacky strip wind around my face and cover my eyes. Chuckie was sobbing and screaming and I was trying to comfort him as best I could when someone shoved a foul-tasting rag in my mouth.
“Bitch, we’re going on a little ride,” a hot voice tickled my ear. “You better be good or your kid’s going in the trunk.”
I felt my body being lifted in the air and every muscle tensed, waiting for the eventual drop on hard ground. But when I was put down, it was on something soft and upholstered. It was tilted, and after a few seconds I realized I was in the back seat of a different car. A small, flailing body was set next to mine and I realized it was Chuckie. The bikers were mumbling something under their breath, and after a second one of them got in the car and I heard the engine roar to life.
“You ready? Of course you are,” the guy said in a rough voice. He started laughing and pulled away with such a force that I felt my body slide off the seat and bang against the back of the driver’s seat.
From under my blindfold of duct tape, I felt hot tears leak out and fall down my cheeks. So this was the end. All because of my mistakes, all because I’d left Trey.
I’m so sorry, Chuckie, I thought desperately. Mommy is so, so sorry.