Angel
After a few days in Trey’s house, I was about to go crazy. Chuckie had been just as well behaved as ever, but I felt bad for not telling him what was going on. Then again, how could I? How could I let him know he and I were the targets of a rival gang, when he didn’t even know Trey was his father? I couldn’t, plain and simple. There was no way to tell him anything without telling him everything. And while I loved Chuckie and knew he was mature for his age, I didn’t think eight was the right age to tell him about something so dire. With any luck, the whole situation would blow over and everything would be fine. At least, that’s what I wanted to think.
Trey had spent the night out of the house with Ram. I was jealous as I watched them leave, not because I thought he was going to be around other women but just because I desperately wanted to leave myself. After all, it wasn’t fair. Trey couldn’t just expect me to stay here on house arrest! He wasn’t that cruel.
“I want to go to work,” I announced, stepping into the kitchen. Trey was sitting down at the table with a mug of beer. He barely looked up at me as I crossed the threshold of the room. “It’s been days and I haven’t been outside, Trey. I’m going nuts.”
“This is all for your safety,” Trey said. He looked up at me with a solemn expression on his gorgeous, fine-boned face. “Don’t you realize that?”
“Yes,” I said. My cheeks pinked and I had to look away. “I know it is, Trey. But I’m so bored! And I need to make money. What happens if I lose my job? There isn’t another library in Centerville, and I can’t afford to move.”
At that, Trey softened a bit. “I’ll send someone with you,” he said. “Hang on, I’m calling Ram.”
I frowned. “He didn’t do a great job of watching me,” I admitted. “Are you sure you shouldn’t ask someone else?”
Trey rolled his eyes. “You’re so demanding,” he said in a mild, jokey tone, but I blushed hard anyway. “I’ll call the prospect that was over here last night. That okay?”
I thought he was being sarcastic at first and I was about to snap back at him when I realized that he was serious. “I’ll feel safe with him,” I said. And I would, too: the prospect was huge. A big, overweight guy with a bushy beard and sharp eyes. He was right on track to become the newest member of the Skullbreakers, and I felt like he deserved every bit of the fame that would come with that. He was even more intimidating than Ram, though not more so than Trey.
“Thanks,” I said after Trey had made the call. “I’m going to get ready for work. Could I do some laundry later? I’ll need more clothes.”
Trey nodded. “Whatever you want,” he said. “Make yourself at home.”
The atmosphere between us was polite, cordial. There was no trace of the discomfort that had shown itself when I’d confronted him the other day. In fact, he seemed to have forgotten about it. Discomfort flitted through me as I realized how quickly he was able to compartmentalize all of this and get rid of it. I shuddered. Did Trey think about me? What about the other night when we’d slept together? It had been explosive and hot, even more than our time together used to be. But if Trey could make himself forget about it, what was the point? What was I even doing here?
Back in the room I shared with Chuckie, I looked around. It had been spotless when we’d first settled here, but now the floor was littered with crumbs from Chuckie’s animal crackers and my shoes. I blushed as I realized it looked like the typical apartment of a single mom. Quickly, I walked around and collected all of the trash on the floor. I wasn’t sure whether or not Trey had been inside, but at least this way he wouldn’t know what a slob I really was. Until I’d had Chuckie, I’d been a total clean freak. Trey even used to make fun of me because I had a habit of cleaning out his car whenever we were together. But those days were long gone; I couldn’t remember anything I owned that wasn’t covered in sticky gunk or melted candy.
I sighed. It was the price of having a kid, even a kid as smart as Chuckie. And while I loved him with all my heart, sometimes I felt like I would have been happier without a child. It had turned my life into a perpetual cycle of caring for someone other than myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had more than a few hours to myself. Hell, the first time in years was when I’d gone to the bar with Trey after those creeps had attacked me. And then I’d felt ragingly guilty about all of it, even though I’d been incredibly attracted to him. It was like once I became a mother, I lost my capacity for selfishness and for fun.
The only clean outfit I had left was black jeans and a purple silk blouse. It wasn’t exactly spring-like, but I donned it anyway. I knew the blouse made my chest look even bigger than it really was. Part of me wanted to make Trey look at me. You don’t want to acknowledge your feelings for me, fine. Well, you won’t be able to ignore me when I look like this.
I spent a long time twisting my hair into a Brigitte Bardot updo and putting on cat-eye black liner and red lipstick. By the time I was ready, I looked more like I was going to a nightclub than a library. I knew the customers would gawk. But I didn’t care. Shockingly, this whole mess had made me realize what my priorities in life were. And most of those revolved around Chuckie and my ability to keep him safe.
“Wow,” Trey said when I walked back into the kitchen. I pretended not to notice, but secretly I was incredibly pleased that he’d noticed. Maybe he wasn’t as oblivious as I thought.
“I’m out of other clothes,” I said primly. “Are you going to drive me to work?”
Trey opened his mouth and I could tell he was about to lie. “I wasn’t planning on it,” he said smoothly. “But I think that would be better. I’ll wait at the library with you until the prospect shows up. That way you won’t feel like you’re in trouble.”
I blushed, pleased. “Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate it.”
I waited patiently as Trey collected his keys and wallet. He handed me a helmet once we walked outside.
“We’re not driving?” I frowned. “What about my hair?”
“You always look better with messy hair,” Trey said. He grinned and winked at me and I felt my stomach do a flip-flop of nervousness. “At least I think so, Angel.”
The way he said my name made me feel like melting. I didn’t protest, but when Trey wasn’t looking I tried to smooth my hair under the helmet so it wouldn’t look flat when we got to the library. They didn’t know I was coming in that day — I’d called about a leave of absence — and for a moment, I felt a touch of self-consciousness.
I wrapped my arms around Trey’s waist and snuggled close, burying my face in the back of his neck as he peeled out of his long driveway. He drove faster than he needed to, and I felt a thrill soar through me as he tilted his bike to the side for a dangerous turn. Clinging to him, I kept inhaling his scent of leather and sandalwood. It was incredibly arousing, and I could feel the area between my legs getting moist after only a few seconds on the back of his bike. Trey’s strong muscles flexed as he expertly navigated the bike around the back roads of Centerville. It was warmer than it had been, and the sun was peeking through the tops of the tall trees. For a moment, the beauty of the town struck me. When I realized where Trey was taking me, I felt my heart sink.
“What are we doing here?” I yelled loudly into his ear. “This isn’t the way to the library!”
Trey’s chest vibrated and I felt him chuckling under my tight grip. “Thought we’d take a scenic detour,” he called back loudly. “You don’t mind seeing the old homestead, do you?”
I closed my eyes and rested my face against Trey’s shoulder. He was driving through the toniest part of town, where my parents lived. I hadn’t been back to their house since they’d thrown me out, and I was in no mood to see them now. As we roared past their house, I expected to feel a horrible sense of sadness rushing through my body. But instead I felt triumphant, free. There was something powerful about racing past these expensive houses on the back of a motorcycle, free and open and letting my hair get tangled and soar behind me in the breeze.
When we passed Mom and Daddy’s house, I stared at the big black iron gate that had kept men like Trey out, unsuccessfully. It had always been a gorgeous house — a big brick Tudor — but suddenly it looked like a prison to me. It didn’t look like a happy place to raise a family, or even to live. It seemed like the people who lived behind the walls were more terrified than ever of being attacked by the commoners. I had to laugh; it was exactly the kind of thing Daddy was afraid of. But that’s what he and Mom were: rich white people hiding from the real problems of the world. When I was growing up, they hadn’t always seemed so tone-deaf. But Mom made ridiculous comments all the time, like “Why do people complain so much about not being able to afford an apartment? Why don’t they just buy a condo?”
I shuddered, remembering a Hispanic family that had moved in down the block. They’d only made it six months. They were moneyed, just like us, but foreign. So not like us. Even though they all spoke impeccable English, Mom had campaigned to get them removed from our street. She finally took it up with her garden club, and they shunned the wife in the family until they finally admitted defeat and moved to the ethnic section of Centerville. I burned with shame thinking about how I’d avoided the daughter of the family whenever I saw her in school. I never found out whether or not the family had hated us as much as Mom and Daddy had hated them, but I had a feeling they probably would have been a little more generous.
Mom and Daddy were definitely relics of a bygone era. The sad thing was that they’d never realized it themselves. They were doomed to see their influence wane and eventually disappear. Maybe I really was lucky for getting out and seeing the world as it actually exists. I couldn’t think of my parents without feeling regret, but as I got older, less and less of that regret was reserved for me. Rather, I pitied them for being so sheltered and provincial.
Even though it was liberating to realize that I didn’t miss being around Mom and Daddy, it still made me sad to remember the driveway was the last place I’d seen Trey, until now. We’d parted on bad terms, the night of my birthday. I’d felt like a coward and a freak. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again.
And for the longest time, I’d been right about that.
Pressing my face into the back of his leather jacket, I couldn’t believe Trey and I were together again. Well, not together. Not boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn’t walk around with our hands slipped in each other’s pockets, and we didn’t kiss every time he drove under a bridge. But looking at him I felt the same passionate tug I’d always felt. His messy brown hair, his dark blue eyes. They were so gorgeous, so haunting. They spoke of an intelligent, lonely man. They spoke of a man who would do anything to protect what he loved.
As we pulled up in front of the library, I felt some of my resolve weaken. After all, until pretty recently, I’d been one of those assholes living in the big houses behind even bigger iron gates. What if Trey had driven past there to remind me of who I was, to remind me we were from totally different places in life?
It wasn’t a nice thought.
“All right,” Trey said when I handed him back the helmet. I watched as he turned his bike off and stood up and stretched. “You wanna hang outside until the prospect shows up?”
I looked around nervously. Even though I’d been working at the Centerville Library for years without incident, I could only see Randy and Nick approaching me as I stepped into the parking lot. I shuddered. The memory of their grubby hands on my skin and their foul breath wasn’t so easy to dismiss. Even with Trey next to me, I worried they would come back. After all, they hadn’t listened to him the first time. Why would they heed his second warning?
“Sure,” I said. “There’s a bench over here.”
I led Trey over to a small garden at the side of the library. I’d planted some herbs with the other librarians last summer, and we gave them away to all of the patrons who liked to cook. It had helped work feel more like home. Even though I didn’t think I’d ever have a big family, I liked my coworkers at the library. They were all quiet, like me. I wondered what their personal lives were like, but I appreciated that we didn’t gossip about that stuff. A couple of them had raised their eyebrows when they’d heard my last name was Carringer — Daddy’s wealth had made our family locally famous — but no one had ever asked me, and now I was pretty sure no one assumed we were related.
The little garden was starting to bloom and I sat down on the concrete bench. Chill soaked through my black jeans and I shifted uncomfortably. It was a narrow bench and as Trey sat down next to me, I felt his muscular thigh press against mine. We didn’t talk, but he pulled out a cigarette and lit it with his tan hands, taking a deep drag and sending plumes of smoke across the garden.
“Why did you drive by my parents’ house?” I couldn’t look at Trey as I asked the question. “Were you trying to make me feel bad?”
Trey chuckled, but it was a humorless sound. “Nothing like that,” he said after a beat. “I didn’t want to make you feel anything, but it’s a pretty drive.” He sucked in air and stretched again. “I mean, honestly, Angel, sometimes I forget you lived there all those years ago. It’s been a long time.”
I felt like he’d punched me in the gut. “Oh,” was all I could manage in response. Part of me wanted not to believe him; after all, it would be a great lie to hurt me. But deep down, I knew he remembered. The look in his eye when he’d first recognized me spoke volumes louder than any remark he could toss out casually.
“I mean, did you forget it?” Trey turned to me. His sunglasses were covering his dark blue eyes but his tone was serious. “It was a long time ago, Angel.”
“It seems like a lifetime ago,” I admitted. “I don’t really think about it anymore. It’s useless to get hooked into the past.”
Trey sucked air into his mouth through his teeth, an odd kind of whistling sound. “That’s easy for you to say,” he said softly. “Some of us didn’t run like you did.”
My head snapped up. Me, run? What the fuck is he talking about? He’s the one who left me, dammit! He never showed up again, not after that disastrous birthday.
Before I could answer, he stood up and walked towards the edge of the parking lot. “I need to get going,” he said. “Where the hell is the damn prospect?”
As if on cue, another motorcycle roared into the parking lot. I recognized Patches, the young, round-faced biker. He grinned at me when he saw me; unlike some of the other Angels, Patches always seemed happy to see me. I had a feeling women like me didn’t hang around often. I was a novelty; that was all.
“Hi, Patches,” I said, trying to keep my tone both neutral and friendly. “How are you?”
“Great,” he said. “I get to hang out at the library with a pretty lady.” He pronounced library like ‘liberry’ but I couldn’t help grinning anyway. After all of the tension with Trey, it was nice to be around someone who didn’t make a secret out of enjoying my company.
“Hopefully it won’t be too exciting,” I mumbled under my breath. Trey was already walking back to his bike and climbing on. All of the momentary happiness I’d felt at seeing Patches disappeared and was replaced with emptiness.
It’s true: he doesn’t think about you at all, I thought sadly as Trey roared out of the library’s parking lot. Just forget about him and go back to your life. You know he doesn’t want you around. He‘s not going to want to be a dad to Chuckie. You should just give up.
“Angel, are you okay?” Patches was looking at me with a curious expression on his wide face. “You look sad.”
“I feel sad,” I said. My voice sounded pathetic and I winced. Straightening up, I looked him in his guileless brown eyes. “But I’ll be fine. Everything is going to be fine.”
Patches didn’t say anything else as I strode into the library with purpose. Suddenly, all eyes were on me. In my moment of moping, I’d forgotten about the slutty outfit I’d put on before work. Now, wearing skintight black jeans seemed like a horrible idea. But it was too late; I was already here. A nervous smile pasted itself on my face as I walked behind the counter and checked my little mailbox. It was empty. Even though it had seemed like weeks since I’d worked, it startled me to realize it had actually only been a couple of days.
“Angel, you look nice,” one of the other librarians said.
He was an older guy named Toby, with a pink scalp showing through his thinning brown hair. He smiled at me and I felt another touch of self-consciousness. There was nothing creepy or leering about his gaze, but I still felt embarrassed. Normally, I didn’t draw any attention to myself at work. It made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want people judging me for being a single mom and for dressing attractively. I knew it was outdated and sexist, but Centerville was a small town. I knew how easily people would start talking, and I didn’t want Chuckie to grow up with any kind of bad reputation. Also, I didn’t want any word getting back to my parents. Ever since they’d kicked me out, I’d tried to maintain a low profile. I was afraid – of what, I wasn’t exactly sure. But I had a feeling if they resurfaced, it wouldn’t be good for me or for Chuckie. At best, I saw them tentatively apologizing. At worst…I didn’t know. I didn’t even like to think about that.
“Thank you,” I said, dipping my head. “Have the past couple days been okay?” A blush came over me when I remembered how Trey and I had spent a torrid night just a few days ago. I arched my back involuntarily, thinking of his lips and teeth on my sensitive skin. Shivering, I blinked and stared at my shoes. Damn Trey, he always had control of my body, even when he wasn’t physically near me. He’d changed something inside of me all those years ago, and it would never be the same.
“We missed you,” Toby said. He smiled at me again and I blushed again, more deeply this time. It was almost like he could read the sex on my face. “You’ll be back from now on?”
“I hope so,” I said. “Sorry, it was a personal crisis.” Inwardly, I cursed at myself but I didn’t know what else I could say. I didn’t exactly have a lot of respect for other librarians who called out at the drop of a hat. I had to save all of my sick time and vacation time for when Chuckie actually got sick. Last year I’d come in with a hundred-degree fever for three days in a row because I couldn’t have afforded the time off.
Toby nodded. “I understand,” he said. “We all have those sometimes.”
He stared at me and I felt a rush of irritation pass through me. I was obviously in the middle of something rough and he couldn’t even stop checking me out! Were all men like this, just useless pigs led around by their cocks? I frowned. I didn’t want to believe that. Daddy hadn’t been like that. Trey hadn’t been like that either. But now, after what had happened between us, I wasn’t so sure. Maybe he didn’t really love me after all. Maybe he was just using me for my body, and to make himself feel more important.
“Angel, just let me know when you’re ready to catch up the events,” Toby said. He smiled at me and I felt the same irritation, only stronger this time. “We have a lot to talk about. You know we got approved for the new speaker series?” He made his hand into a fist and swung it cheerily through the air.
I almost laughed; despite his strong pose, he was about the farthest possible thing from intimidating I’d ever seen. Hell, Chuckie was more intimidating and he hadn’t even hit puberty yet. That’s what always gets you in trouble, I thought. You can’t stay away from those bad boys, no matter how tough they are. No matter how much they hurt you. You always have a weakness for guys from the wrong side of the tracks. “Later,” I said absentmindedly. “I have to rifle through some papers first.” I held up the stack on the desk. “It looks like no one processed these late fees.”
Toby actually blushed. “I’m sorry,” he said apologetically. “I know I should have taken care of those, but you know, I’m just so bad at math.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and I couldn’t help but feel a trace of disgust at his aging, soft body. He wasn’t muscular like Trey, and he had the charisma of a dead walrus. I couldn’t believe that before Trey had come charging back into my life, I’d actually contemplated going out with Toby.
I was relieved when he left me alone. Patches settled in the corner of the library with a motorcycle magazine on his lap. He kept a hand tucked in his jacket and I knew his fingers were wrapped around the trigger of his gun. I felt safe when he was around, and before long, it felt like almost no time had passed since I’d worked. I’d missed the quiet of the library, the smell of old paper. It was soothing and comforting to me, even though I couldn’t get Trey out of the back of my mind. Trey and his sexy body and the way he’d left without a second glance. I shuddered. What was going to happen when all of this settled? Would another ten years pass before I saw him again?
Stop thinking about him right now, I ordered myself. You know that isn’t going to help anything. There’s nothing you can do to change what’s going on, and there’s nothing you can do to change Trey. It would be better for everyone if you realized that right now.
Morning turned into afternoon and I was busy helping patrons find the books they wanted. A popular sci-fi series had just released a new book, and I set up a waiting list, patiently explaining to some high school kids that they’d have to wait a couple of weeks.
“Why don’t you have an e-reader lending program?” One of them frowned at me. “Most libraries do. This is the twenty-first century, after all.”
I chuckled. “But Centerville is a small town,” I reminded the kid. “You know we don’t always have a big budget for those things.” When his face fell, I felt guilty. “But you know, I’ll say something to the board about it the next time we meet,” I added. “You never know; it might work out.”
By late afternoon, my feet ached. I told Toby I was going to take a small break. When he nodded, I gratefully dashed into the atrium. It was a sunny, open space where people in the community would post ads for yard sales and the like. It was especially warm after the sun had been hitting it for hours, and I closed my eyes and breathed in. Something brushed against my arm but I didn’t open my eyes. I thought it was Patches, coming to make sure I was okay. Just a minute or two and then I’ll go back in, I thought. He can wait just another couple of seconds.
But before I could react, something grabbed me and tugged me off to the side. I stumbled, opening my eyes at the last second. It wasn’t Patches; it was Randy. I opened my mouth to yelp and he clapped a hand over me before I could make a sound. Dragging me over to the corner of the atrium, he pulled a knife out of his jacket and pressed the blade against my throat. I could feel the edge of the steel against my skin and I whimpered as Randy shoved the cold metal hard against me.
“Don’t make a sound, girly,” Randy said. He was breathing heavily and he pressed his body against mine. I could feel he had an erection. Disgust swam through my body and I tried to twist away but Randy was stronger. “You wear that just for me, baby? You look so damn yummy in that.”
“I didn’t do anything for you,” I managed to spit.
Anger flashed in Randy’s eyes and he jabbed the knifepoint into my neck. I felt it break the skin; a trickle of blood ran down my chest.
“You better tell your boyfriend to stop poking around,” Randy said in a heavy voice. His breath smelled like stale tobacco and rot and I flinched. “Did you know he made a little visit to the police station?”
I opened my eyes wide. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, my voice shaking. I took a deep breath and tried to steel my nerves. “I don’t know what he does.”
“Well, you better make it your business,” Randy said. He pressed the blade into my neck and I whimpered. “Because if he doesn’t stop, you’re gonna be the next crime scene. You got that?”
Chills ran down my body. “I understand,” I said softly.
I thought Randy was going to reach out and grab me but he pulled the knife back and tucked it in his jacket. I stood there shaking as he walked out of the library, whistling confidently. Even though I felt like I was rooted to the spot, I forced my legs to move and walk back into the library. When I looked in the corner, I saw no sign of Patches. It was like he’d vanished.
“Oh, my god,” Toby said. He came up to me in a hurry with a wad of tissues clutched in his skinny fingers. “Angel! Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said. My heart was pounding at the inside of my chest. “Can you give me a ride home?”
“Sure,” Toby said. “Can you wait a few minutes?”
I shook my head. “No,” I said. “It has to be now.”
Tony sensed the urgency in my voice. He promised he’d be right back as he dashed off behind the front desk. As I waited, I knew I had to call Trey. He had to know about this, and soon.