Angel
All I could think about that night was Trey and how we’d ended, and how angry he’d been with me. I shuddered. Part of me never wanted to see him again. After all, he’d left all those years ago. He’d left and never come back. Not even a fucking note, and then he had the nerve to show up and try to “rescue” me.
I barely got a wink of sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Trey’s face floating in my mind. It was torturing me. Things are never going to be that good again, I thought to myself. And you know that. The sooner you understand that, the better.
Unfortunately, the morning came even though I didn’t want it anywhere near me. As I was getting Chuckie ready for school, he seemed more solemn than usual. He was a serious kid, but still, he was usually pretty goofy in the mornings.
“Mommy, who was that man?” Chuckie looked into my eyes and I could tell he was worried.
I crushed him against my chest and buried my face in his hair, smelling his sweet scent. In a few years, he was going to be a heartbreaker. But for now, he was still my little boy.
“I’m so sorry that happened, sweetie,” I said, pulling back. I put my hands on Chuckie’s shoulders and looked into his innocent face. “He won’t be coming back again. I promise.”
Chuckie bit his lip and for a moment, it looked like he was going to cry. The resemblance to Trey was so astounding I couldn’t believe I’d never thought of it before. Chuckie had the same blue eyes, the same chiseled jaw. His hair was lighter in color than Trey’s but I could tell it would darken with time into those same messy waves I loved.
“Who is he?” Chuckie looked at me again and I felt a tug on my heartstrings. “How do you know him?”
I didn’t answer. Turning around, I stood up. I was still only half-dressed, and I had to be back at the library before ten. After the bus picked up Chuckie, I’d have to call a cab. It wasn’t cheap, but I didn’t have a choice, as the library was fifteen miles away. I couldn’t walk. Damn you, Trey. If it weren’t for you, I’d still have my car.
If it weren’t for you, I might be dead, I realized. If Trey hadn’t shown up when he did, those thugs would have surely done worse. I shivered, remembering the feel of their greasy, chubby fingers sliding over my body.
“Who is he?” Chuckie repeated when I was almost out of the room. “What did he want?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart,” I said. Chuckie frowned. Even though he was only eight, I could tell he didn’t believe me. “I mean, Mommy knew him a long time ago. That’s all. I don’t know who he is anymore.”
Chuckie laughed. I was glad for a break in his serious temperament. Sometimes I hated being a single mother. I wished he could have had a father in his life. For his benefit and mine. But when Trey left, I didn’t think he wanted anything to do with me, or with Chuckie. He hadn’t known I was pregnant when we split, and I’d never found it in my heart to tell him. If someone already wanted to be gone, it wasn’t going to do much good trying to con them into staying.
I’d seen the same thing happen to one of my friends, Colleen, in college. She’d been dating this guy, James, for years. They were in love; they lived together. Unlike me and Trey, they actually had an adult relationship. They were open about their love and affection for each other. But when she got pregnant, everything changed. James promised he’d stick around but he never did. She came home one day and he was gone, just like that. His clothes were out of the closet and their books had been carefully packed and separated. She never even knew what happened to him. When it had first happened, she’d tried convincing me he’d been abducted. But Chuckie was a toddler by then, and I knew better. Still, Colleen had never wanted to hear the truth. She would have rather thought the father of her child was dead than gone away from her.
“Mommy, tell me,” Chuckie insisted. I looked down at his sweet face and saw the same anger and confusion. “He can’t be a different person!” His voice was rising to a hysterical pitch and I feared a crying fit was coming soon. “People don’t change, Mommy!”
“Unfortunately, sweetie, they do sometimes,” I told Chuckie as calmly as I could. He crawled into my arms and I felt his sobs on my neck. I tried to hold him and calm him down as best I could, but my efforts only went so far. Chuckie was a nervous kid, always upset about something. He’d always been sensitive, and now that he was in elementary school, I worried about him being bullied. His teachers always told me he was well-behaved, but quiet. I just looked forward to the day when he’d stop asking me about a daddy.
I had wanted to raise Chuckie in a family, but at the outset, I’d known how impossible that would be. After all, kids did better with a mother and a father figure. Science said so, everyone said so. But I hadn’t ever met anyone who would have been a good father figure. I couldn’t ask someone to do that and risk it not working out. That wouldn’t be fair to my kid, to introduce someone and have him call them Daddy, only for them to disappear. I didn’t want Chuckie to have to watch me go through heartbreak again and again. I’d promised myself that when he was just a little older, I could start dating. Maybe find a nice, boring, single dad and link up our families. But right now, it was just impossible.
“I promise, I’m never going to change,” I told Chuckie in a soothing voice. “I’ll always love you. I’ll always be your mommy.”
Chuckie’s crying stopped after a few seconds. He leapt out of my arms and grinned at me. The tense moment had apparently been forgotten, and I was relieved. Still, now that I knew he was back, part of my mind was glued to Trey. Or maybe he never left, I thought sadly. He just left you.
After Chuckie boarded the bus, I called for a cab. Every few seconds, I checked the window. I knew it was stupid, but I was still worried about Randy and Nick popping up out of nowhere again. I didn’t think they would have known where I lived, but then again, how did they find out where I worked? They must have been watching me. There were dozens of times over the past few weeks where I’d been outside, playing with Chuckie or working in the garden. It would have been easy for a bike to cruise by, snap a photo, then drive off. I shuddered. The whole situation was making me uncomfortable. Even though Trey had threatened both of those assholes, I had a feeling I hadn’t seen the last of them. Guys like that didn’t usually listen to reason, especially not when it came from another biker.
I need to get out of this town, I thought to myself. It was so stupid that I’d stayed. After all, my parents didn’t know about Chuckie. I could have moved before he was born, but I chose to stay. In case they ever came around, or in case Trey ever came back. Thinking about Trey made my mouth set into a line. Damn him. There was no way he’d ever get close to me or Chuckie ever again.
When the cab came, I waited until it was in the driveway before leaving the house. The street looked quiet — a typical weekday morning — but now that I was suspicious, it was alarmingly clear just how easy it would have been to spy on me all that time.
“The library, please,” I told the cabbie.
He caught my eye in the rearview mirror and winked. “Going to do a little studying?”
I shuddered. Gross. “No, I work there,” I said calmly. “I’m a librarian.”
The cabbie chuckled. “I bet you are,” he said before turning on the radio and tunelessly singing along.
The ride was a short one, but it still came to more money than I would have liked. I counted out some worn bills and passed them over. The cab ride, plus tip, would mean Chuckie and I would be eating pancakes at least one night this week. I felt frustrated and angry inside; even though I’d worked hard to bring us above this, I hated just scraping by. Chuckie didn’t notice now because he was too young. If he’d been older, I would have felt ashamed.
As the cabbie slowed to a stop in front of the library, I blinked. “Thank you,” I said automatically. For a moment, I thought I’d seen…no, it couldn’t be. I’d told him to stay away! I’d threatened him!
Trey approached me as soon as I’d climbed out of the cab. Swallowing hard, I started walking towards the entrance to the library.
“Angel, wait,” Trey called out. “I need to talk to you.”