River’s world was crashing down.

For all he’d blustered back there at Zeph’s place, he wasn’t nearly as confident inside as he’d projected to Zeph. River wasn’t sure whether he needed someone to slap him upside the head or hug him.

He wasn’t even sure he could stick to the choice he’d told Zeph he was making.

River had parked outside Kyle and Nic’s house, and seeing both cars home wasn’t much reassurance. Maybe they were out at the park or something. But no, the blinds rustled and then the door opened.

River sighed, touched his face to make sure he had his shit together, and went to brush back his hair. When he realized he wasn’t wearing his wig, he touched his ear instead, then headed up the sidewalk to the front door.

Nic was there, offering him a smile. “Hey. Come in. We’ve got pancakes.” He was in just jeans and a t-shirt, barefoot. Oh, of course—it was Sunday morning.

“Fuck. I’m not disturbing you?”

“Nah. It’s not our weekend with Kevin, and Kyle’s doing terrible renditions of old theme songs. Thank God you came.” Nic grinned.

Despite himself, River managed a smile. When he reached the front door, Kyle was there to sweep him into a hug while Nic ducked back into the kitchen to cook.

“Hey, darling. Juice or water?”

“Juice,” River requested, letting Kyle pull him over to the couch. “Sorry I just showed up.”

Kyle shrugged him off. “Boy trouble?”

Nic came back, bearing a glass of juice, and sat on his other side.

It felt a bit like a pair of avenging angels were about to go beat up Zeph, so he felt obligated to tell them, “It’s not his fault.”

“Uh huh,” Kyle drawled. “Spill.”

River started from the beginning: the self-defense lesson. How he’d been fine holding on and waiting until the fight was over. The fight, how it had gone well until it hadn’t, and how shocked Zeph had been. Bringing Zeph home, and the fact they’d had totally comfort sex. And then… the abrupt shift to grumpy asshole Zeph that morning.

“He just told you to leave, basically?” Kyle’s arms were folded. “What the fuck?”

“No, wait,” Nic shushed his boyfriend. “You said you were leaving, and he said okay, pretty much?”

“More that,” River admitted. He sighed and closed his eyes. “I don’t know,” he admitted to his palms as he rubbed his face. “I just… wanna know I’m doing the right thing.”

“Well, he’s still being a dick, so…” Kyle grumbled. He looked so offended he was craning his neck back, like Zeph was standing in front of him offering him a handshake.

River admitted that with a shrug. “Yeah. He was trying to hit every button he could find.”

“And that is a dick move,” Nic interjected firmly, drawing both of their gazes. “But it doesn’t mean you’re giving up on him, does it?”

Kyle scoffed. “Of course he is! Aren’t you?”

A few seconds of silence and their gazes on him and River had to look down. No, Nic was right—he wasn’t. He didn’t want to. Hell, if Zeph didn’t come to him within a few months… weeks… maybe days…

“Shit. Jesus, you’re stuck on him,” Kyle sighed.

River nodded slightly, his throat tight.

“Why? I think you know.”

Both Kyle and River stared at Nic, and then Kyle turned his gaze to River, too.

River’s cheeks flushed as he looked down. “Yeah. I love him.”

Kyle hissed under his breath, and then squeezed his knee. “Baby. I didn’t know.”

River shook his head slightly. “It…” He could say he didn’t, either, but that wouldn’t be true.

A part of him had, all those years ago, and maybe that part had never really stopped. But this time, he couldn’t just walk away from it. If they’d used his move as an excuse to separate before, it might have been from starting to get too close to the emotional reality for them both: that there was something between them that was worth fighting for.

That they wanted to bare their hearts and souls to each other, and it utterly terrified them both for what River had thought were different reasons. But maybe they were one and the same: they were both scared of being hurt again.

“He’s not… emotionally… uh,” Nic waved a hand. “Adept.”

“You can say that again,” Kyle muttered. River cracked a smile at his long-time friend’s interjection, but Nic ignored it.

“He’s obviously not supposed to lash out at you, though.”

“Agreed.” Kyle nodded, squeezing River’s shoulder now. “That’s below the belt.”

“Yeah. That’s not cool, and you can totally put your foot down on that,” Nic told him. “In fact, I think you have to for him to see that’s not okay behavior. But I’m guessing he didn’t have a stable living situation, or nice parents, or something before.”

River hesitated. He didn’t want to overshare, but yeah, that was an understatement from the little he knew: that Zeph had had several foster homes. He’d never said more than that.

“So he’s learned this shit, and he needs to unlearn it. It’s not your obligation to teach him. You can walk away now. And if he doesn’t want to learn, I’d say you should,” Nic added, eyeing Kyle, no doubt to quell his objections.

“Hmph.” Kyle nodded.

River nodded slowly. “But… I love him. I don’t want to just walk away again. I do that too much.”

Kyle murmured, “Is this about him specifically, or you being lonely?”

Ouch. River shot him a quick look, then frowned. “Both, but… mostly him. I’ve been alone for plenty long enough without making the same mistake on the same guy over and over.”

“Right,” Nic nodded. “So if you stick by him, you need to make your rules clear and make them make sense to him: he can’t piss you off when he’s scared and he needs time to think about his feelings. Give him an out. Tell him how to get you to go away, and show him you’ll stick by him if he doesn’t take that out, and that you’ll leave when he tells you to.”

That actually sounded really simple, when he put it like that. River stared at Nic. “Right.”

“He’s not going to be easy to love,” Nic added slowly, glancing at Kyle. “Those of us who’ve been… you know…”

“Fucked up,” River supplied.

Kyle cracked up. “Yeah, we all have been. None of us are.”

River glanced away for a moment. Fuck, his own outer shell of sassy snark and quips was the hardest to break, and Zeph had slipped inside with barely a sideways glance. There were a thousand easier guys to date if Zeph cared about social appearances, or what would happen to his career when people knew he was seeing a guy like him, who couldn’t even play discreet for a day…

But something made Zeph come back to him. Maybe Zeph didn’t understand it, much like River wasn’t sure of all that kept him hooked on Zeph, coming back for another hit over and over.

“I love him,” River whispered under his breath, and then he slowly shook his head. “Fuck.”

Kyle slid his arm around his shoulders and Nic joined in from the other side.

“It’s scary, isn’t it?” Kyle asked quietly.

River blinked away the tears. For the first time in a long time, a man had him feeling vulnerable, and yeah, it was. Zeph was using that to try to get his space, but Nic was right. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism, and he wasn’t going to stand for it.

But in his rare moments where he was unguarded, and he wasn’t second-guessing himself or trying to keep everything so tightly wound up it was a wonder he didn’t snap, Zeph was everything River knew he could be.

Will he ever see that?