At almost twenty-one years old he'd never had a boyfriend, never been on a proper date, and hadn’t even told his family about his sexuality, even though he'd known himself since his early teens. Not out to his family, Jamie had never invited a guy on a date, and yet he just invited the outest and loudest, campest gay guy he knew to visit him at home. By putting himself in such a position, Jamie had to wonder what kind of crazy, determined-to-out-himself mission he was on.
He'd been out to many people for about a year and to himself for much longer than that, probably his entire life. Yet he'd come nowhere close to having a boyfriend or a date. His love life consisted of a series of hookups, fumbles, and his friend with benefits. How could it be any different when he was hiding this aspect of himself when at home?
No wonder he felt emotional.
When the call ended, Jamie dropped the phone onto the coffee table in front of him like a hot coal leaving his hand. Like an electrical shock, a surge of mixed emotion had jolted through his body. He could identify panic, excitement, and elation as a part of the emotional mix.
Tears trickled freely down his face as if a dam had burst behind his eyes.
He'd never asked a man on a date. Technically speaking this wasn't the first time either. He hadn't just asked Perry on a date. Perry was quite possibly completely oblivious to Jamie's non-platonic motives.
Jamie sobbed loudly and uncontrollably. He wasn't sad as such—in fact, far from it. He just invited a guy to his house and that man had said yes. If anything, Jamie was elated. The tears were not of sadness, but of overwhelming emotion.
He'd lived with the stress of being discreetly in the closet at home for years.
Jamie didn't earn enough money to think about leaving home and couldn't envisage affording to do so for many years into the future. To keep such a secret from his family who he lived with was just too much to bear at times. He'd been happy working all the hours at the supermarket, not just saving up his future, but because at work, he could be himself. There was an equal opportunities policy, about ten percent of his colleagues were out lesbians and gay men, and he didn't have to hide who he was in any way.
It was one thing for his family to see him hanging around with someone like Dylan. When he introduced Dylan to his dad and his brother they just saw another bloke like them: a man's man who worked in construction.
Jamie's dad was a builder, and Jamie's brother had followed into the building trade, Kevin was a scaffolder.
When Jamie was younger, they'd jokingly called him the girl of the family. It was just a joke to them, but it hurt and haunted Jamie still to this very day. He wasn't a girl, but he also wasn't like them. And at home, he felt he had to hide and act like them as much as possible. Whereas if anything he'd like to be more like Perry, have his self-confidence.
Jamie admired Perry.
He couldn't imagine what they would think when they met Perry, a man who wore nail varnish and make-up to work. He who didn't hide his sexuality and wasn't afraid to present his feminine side to the world. An outrageously camp, effeminate, gay man. That would be a fair assessment; the real question was what value judgment would they attach to what they saw? Would they see him as a courageous, cute, confident guy in the same way as Jamie and Shelley? Jamie wasn't sure straight people saw gay men like Perry in that way.
Even gay men disapproved. With comments all over the internet about good gays and bad gays. 'Good gays' blended invisibly into society, it seemed, and 'bad gays' stuck out because they didn't conform in some obvious ways.
Shelley had often said Jamie looked butch next to Perry and that was a strain on the b-word. Jamie had retorted she was the butchest of the three of them, by far. As a happily married lesbian, she didn't care.
Jamie laughed through his tears for a moment as he recalled her saying, "Call me a butch dyke, if you like. I have the last laugh as I'm a happily married butch dyke."
Jamie wasn't concerned about a masculine or femme appearance. He liked Perry for who he was. A non-conformist, yes; Perry was also a thoughtful man with a gentle and generous personality. He was very popular among the staff at work, conscientious, clever, and hardworking. They all knew he was set to be a deputy store manager fairly soon.
Perry had accepted Jamie's invitation to his home.
Wiping his wet cheeks with his sleeve, he thought about how, having put himself in this position, he'd have to speak, at the very least, to his brother. Only a couple of years older, Kevin had never said anything that suggested he was homophobic. Kevin would probably be the ally Jamie needed if he were to come out to his father and eventually their mother and his wider extended family. It would be better to come out than be found out. The thought of either made his stomach clench with anxiety. More tears escaped his eyes.
Dylan would probably approve of the match. Jamie and Perry: femme and more femme. Perry definitely wasn't Dylan's type. There was the irony. Dylan, who had been such a big support to Jamie over the year had undermined Jamie's self-confidence. The friend with the benefits, Dylan, liked Jamie enough for them to be friends and he quite obviously liked the sex they had as friends too, but when it came down to it, like Perry, Jamie was too femme. Dylan wanted a more manly dude as a boyfriend, someone more like himself, someone more like Jamie's brother, Kevin. That would be hilarious, if only Kevin were gay or bisexual.
Friendship, sex for fun, and serious attraction to a potential boyfriend: Jamie understood they were three separate things. He didn't fancy all his friends; he didn't want to be friends with all the guys he'd had casual hookups with. All three came together when he thought about Dylan.
Over the course of a year-long friendship, he'd come to know and love Dylan like no one else, and he wasn't going to risk that friendship by telling Dylan how he felt. Not just brotherly love, but head over heels in romantic and lustful love. He could barely think of his friend without springing an erection. He couldn't stop himself from wondering every day what Dylan was doing and wishing they were sharing the little things in life together.
The tears flowed more freely, and the sobs returned with greater force as Jamie's chest heaved.
It hurt to think about how much he missed Dylan, and over time it hadn't gotten any easier. Each time they spoke, which was most days, he feared Dylan would say he'd met someone. And right now he thought he'd rather die than hear that from him. Jamie really liked Perry, who ticked so many boxes on his perfect boyfriend list, but he wasn't Dylan. Perry had a big Dylan-shaped hole to fill in Jamie's heart.
Jamie wiped his face with his sleeve and stood up to go upstairs and wash his face when he heard a key in the door. He froze and listened. Not making a noise, he didn't want whoever had just arrived home to enter the sitting room and see him like this.
His brother. When you live in the same house all your life you recognize the sound of different people's footsteps and the way they close the front door.
Jamie went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face before advancing to the kitchen where he could see Kevin opening and shutting every cupboard door. Jamie took some deep breaths, deciding to talk to Kevin sooner rather than later. "Kevin, I've got something to tell you."
"Yeah?" Kevin didn't turn his attention from the food he was about to microwave.
"Kevin, I'm gay." Once the words were out, he couldn't take them back.
He thought he saw Kevin stall briefly before tapping away at the microwave programmer. It had seemed like a year before he turned. He appeared surprised as he looked at Jamie directly and said, "Oh."
"I wasn't going to say anything until I'm able to move out, but that seems so far off into the future."
Kevin's features softened. "It's okay, bro. Come in and tell me about it." His voice sounded full of warm concern.
Jamie sniffed and gulped for air. He didn't move. He was on the edge of bursting into tears and didn't know if he could hold it together, but he couldn't possibly explain an emotional outburst to his brother. When he thought he could risk words without following them with sobs, he said, "I am damn sure Dad won't be okay with it."
"Do you want tea?"
Jamie appreciated the suggestion of something so normal and something he could do. He entered the room and walked over to the filled up the kettle. "Yes, please. I'll make it. You get on with your dinner."
Kevin didn't argue but went about getting his plate and cutlery ready. The microwave took care of the rest.
Jamie set out mugs while waiting for the kettle to boil. "I'm not sure if you already suspected? I didn't want you to find out from someone else. And I'm hoping you'll be on my side if Dad finds out."
"Why would he find out?" Kevin slouched against the counter top. It was easy for him to be so casual about things that didn't affect him.
It was easy for him as a straight kid who just fit in everywhere. He had no idea what it was like for Jamie to hide such a big part of his identity for so long.
"I think it's kind of obvious. Outside this house, loads of people know I'm gay. And so far, I've managed to keep it hidden at home, but it's sure to be just a matter of time before someone outs me, even if by accident. Like if you or Dad come into the supermarket and someone says something."
"The people where you work know you're gay?" Kevin asked with an expression of incredulity on his face.
"Oh yes. There are loads of LGBT people in our organization, and working in my store."
Kevin looked away, nervously. "Well, it's not a problem for me. A few of my mates are gay."
This was no surprise to Jamie. There were loads of gay people around their age who lived in that area. It would be harder to believe Kevin didn't know gay guys.
"When did you know?"
Jamie tried not to sigh at hearing the usual old question. He wasn't yet twenty-one, but was already bored of this subject. Nevertheless, he couldn't expect Kevin to know. Jamie set the cups of tea on the kitchen table pulled out a chair and sat down.
"I've always known. I mean, before I ever wanted to do anything about it, I just knew. And I sort of thought everyone else knew as well. I'm not like you and Dad. You followed him to football and into the building trade, and I'm completely different."
Kevin sat down too. Silently he stared at the table and ran his fingers over the cloth. "Yeah. You were always different, but I never thought you were gay. I never gave it any thought, to be honest, Jamie. So, why are you telling me now? Have you got a boyfriend?"
Jamie smiled, it was good to his brother ask him so casually whether he had a boyfriend. Like it was no big deal, which it wasn’t. He shook his head. "No. I've had a few boyfriends, but nothing serious. There is a guy at work that I like. He's new to our branch, transferred from a different shop. I've invited him over one evening this week."
Kevin appeared surprised. "You've invited a guy over, but you're not telling Dad?"
Jamie grinned. "It sounds mad, doesn't it? He's not my boyfriend, yet. And if Dad meets him and likes him, it might be a bit easier for me to come out. He's very flamboyant."
"I wouldn't describe Dad like that."
Jamie laughed. That was quick-witted of Kevin.
Kevin collected his food from the microwave and placed it on the table next to his cup of tea. "Why don't you want to tell Dad?"
Surely that was obvious. Kevin took it well, as Jamie expected. But Dad! "Are you kidding? He could throw me out, and I'd have nowhere to go."
"I don't think it would be that bad. Dad might be surprised, but I don't think he'd throw you out. It's not as if it's wrong or illegal or immoral. It's just a bit unusual."
"I thought you'd say that. I don't think anyone our age has a problem with it, but Dad is old-fashioned." He was of a different generation; of an age when men expected certain things from their sons.
"He's not that old."
"I know. I said he's old-fashioned."
"He might be, but I'm sure he wouldn't kick you out. I'd like to think it would make no difference if you had a girlfriend or a boyfriend."
"And if it were you. Could you imagine bringing a bloke back here? Introducing him to Dad? Having him stay over."
Instantly, Jamie's mind went to the last time Dylan was in his room. He'd just about get away with Dylan in his room, but what if it were Perry?
"When you put it like that, it does sound ridiculous. No, I can't imagine it."
Kevin and Jamie laughed together.
"Jamie, a few minutes ago, you looked like you were about to cry. Now, you're laughing about it, and you've already made a date for a guy to come here. What's that all about?"
"For years I've known I'm gay. And you and Dad were completely oblivious. I've heard Dad make comments about people like me so many times. Not nice comments. You probably didn't even notice them as they weren't about you. Well, I feel like I'm living two lives. When I step out of the front door to go out or go to work, I'm my true self. The straight-acting version of me swings into action at home. I'm okay with all that. I'm used to it."
Jamie couldn't begin to explain the whole thing, and he didn't intend to out Dylan, either.
"So there's this cute guy at work. I've been trying to get him to notice me and ask me out, but he never has. He doesn't seem to see me in that way. We got talking at work about video games, and I've taken the plunge. I just called him a few minutes ago. I invited him round to play."
"As your bedroom is next to Dad's, upstairs, don't you think he will notice if you're in there playing with some dude?"
"Not that sort of playing." Jamie laughed. "I'm not gonna sleep with him, not here. Apparently, he lives in a bedsit, so he doesn't invite people around because it's too small. I'm sure if we do get together, he'll feel okay to invite me back. I've invited him to play Wii games, so we'll be in the lounge."
"And the tears?"
"I just got off the phone talking to him. It's the most natural thing in the world to me. Asking him here just happened. And then I heard you in the kitchen, and it hit me what I'd done. Even though he's just a friend, it's two different parts of my life crashing together, and it could turn out so bad. Just for a moment, I panicked." It was all true enough. Just only a tiny part of a bigger story. One that Jamie didn't want to share at this stage and one that he didn't think Kevin could possibly understand.
"I've got your back, bro. You want me to keep Dad away?"
"Honestly, Kevin, I don't know. Like I said, Dad could meet him. Perhaps that would work well?"
A few days later Jamie opened the door to Perry.
“Come on in. Can I get you a drink of anything?" Jamie took Perry into the kitchen, where the smells of recently cooked and eaten food still lingered.
"A cup of tea would be great."
Jamie filled the kettle, then gathered items onto the table: a teapot, teabags, milk.
Inviting the guy to his house had been relatively easy compared to what came next. Jamie had owned up that he wasn't out at home and requested, in the nicest possible way and completely hoping not to appear an offensive jerk, but could Perry tone down the gayness. He felt terrible while watching Perry unwrapped his scarf and peeled off a couple of layers. What would he be wearing underneath it all?
"Are they out?" Perry obviously picked up on Jamie's fears, written across his face.
"Dad's out. My brother's in his room. I'm out, though, just to him."
"Wow. How did that go?" Perry sounded excited.
"Okay. He was fine about it. As I expected, he had no idea."
Perry nodded. "Straights can be so blind."
In Perry's company, Jamie felt so uninhibited, as if they communicated on the same wavelength. He held out his hands, expressively. "I know! Hard to believe they don't see it. I just told my brother after I spoke to you on the phone. He had no idea." Jamie rolled his eyes. His voice went higher as he exclaimed, "How could anyone think I was straight?"
Perry laughed his agreement.
They took their tea and moved to the lounge. And Jamie set Perry up on their Wii for a retro games night.
As he'd predicted, it was a relaxed and fun evening. They got on well, and Jamie could completely picture taking things further with Perry, but that didn't seem to be about to happen that night. They were settling into friendship mode rather than flirting, but that was fine too.
"I don't want you to get the wrong idea, Jamie so that we're quite clear; I like you as a friend and buddy at work."
Jamie recognized a brush off. Even though it took him by surprise. For some reason, he'd assumed Perry was single and would be into him, but perhaps he wasn't single. "Okay, that's cool. I mean I like you too, and I'm not seeing anyone, so are you seeing someone?"
Perry nodded. "It's early in the relationship, we've not defined it yet, but I am seeing somebody."
Jamie felt weirdly relieved. Perry wasn't forthcoming with details about his boyfriend, but clearly, there was going to be no Jamie and Perry union, so Jamie didn't have to feel guilty about his infatuation with Dylan. That would've become complicated if Jamie and Perry became an item.
Perry didn't stay late and after he left, Jamie descended to his brother's basement room. He wandered in and sat down at the desk, spinning the chair to face Kevin. "How was your night?"
"Mine was okay, just went for a drink. More importantly, how was yours?" Kevin put his phone down on the bed next to him and lay flat with his hands behind his head.
"Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Jamie asked.
"Either."
"The good news is we got on well, had a good time. He’s keen to come again. The bad news is he says he just likes me as a friend. He already has some guy he’s interested in." Jamie pulled his pouty sad face. "It didn’t sound as if he had anything too serious with the other guy, so I've just got to pull out all the stops to impress him at work, and out of work."
Kevin sat up and swung his legs around to stand up. "I have every faith you can do it. I’m sure you can prove you’re the better catch. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get to bed."
Jamie stood up immediately. "Hey, no problem. Thanks."
"Jamie, if you need any advice or help in winning your man, you can count on me."
When Jamie asked, Perry seemed eager for a second night playing video games. And on his second visit, he met both Dad and Kevin who were on their way out.
"I told Dad and Kevin they're welcome to join us. But they said they’re both going to the pub," Jamie explained.
After a brief conversation, Kevin decided to stay, and it turned into a competitive three-person tournament. Kevin was the best by far out of the three of them, but the games weren't taken too seriously.
Perry had never had a Wii games console. He was rubbish at the games, but he hadn't had the hours of pointless practice of Jamie and Kevin. Perry was up for a laugh and willing to make himself look silly trying hilarious moves on the balance board, and that was the main purpose of the evening.
Although Jamie wasn't completely blind, he could see Perry flirting and wiggling his tush in Kevin's direction. Perry had no hope there. As the evening drew to a close, both brothers took Perry to the door to say their goodbyes.
After he left Jamie was most curious what his straight macho brother thought of the super-camp gay man who had flirted with him in a not-so-subtle way this evening. "What do you think of him?" Jamie asked.
"He's nice." Kevin didn't seem to be focused on the conversation but on the tidying up.
He was so straight and so oblivious, Jamie thought. "We've talked, and I think there's just nothing between us in that way. He was right when he said we should just be friends. It's a shame because I think he's dead hot."
"Yeah, he is," Kevin agreed.
"Do you think Dad realized he is gay?" Because coming out to his dad was taking up a lot of space in Jamie’s mind.
"Dad only saw him for a moment. How would he know?" Kevin replied.
"I don't know. The thing is, I want Dad to know about me soon because he just can't hear it from someone else, but I don't know how he'll react or how to tell him. Can you talk to Dad about gay people in general and just gauge his reaction? Perhaps put it in his head that it's perfectly acceptable these days."
Kevin nodded. "I'll try to bring the topic up with him."
"You know, I like Perry, and I don't think I should give up that easily," Jamie thought aloud. He wanted to convince himself he had a chance of finding something with Perry that would help him move on from his addiction to Dylan. If he said it aloud and got Kevin on his side, perhaps he could make changes happen. "If he gets to know me better, if I up the ante on the romance front, maybe I can win him. I got the impression it's nothing serious with this other dude. Maybe they're not actually dating; perhaps it's just a guy he fancies."