The drawing on the scratch paper I’d dug out of the trash can behind the check-in desk was beginning to look somewhat like a burning forest, but I’d made it beautiful. A single rose bloomed in the black clearing the fire had left behind. Always making the best out of things, I thought. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but a turd shouldn’t be called a rose. Trex was a rose. Unlike Shawn, Trex hadn’t shown a different side. He was kind, and thoughtful, and had every intention of sticking around. Once in a while, dark thoughts would creep up, but I shoved them down as many times as I had to. Trex made me happy, and I deserved to be happy. No more shoulds or shouldn’ts. Those were someone else’s rules, anyway. Not mine.
I stopped drawing when Trex walked in just steps behind Ellison and Tyler. Ellison’s face was dirty, a bloody cut under one eye. Her spirit had been broken, shame darkening her eyes. Tyler didn’t look much better. He was still in his yellow uniform, his white helmet in his dirty hand. He looked helpless and defeated. My first thought was that they’d gotten into a fight, but I knew Tyler better than that. And he’d have had bruises of his own. The shame on Tyler’s face was because Ellison had crossed a line, to a place he couldn’t follow.
Trex didn’t seem to notice.
“Hey,” he said.
“Stavros said he overheard the hotshots say Ellie was arrested. Is that true?”
He looked at Tyler and Ellie stepping into the elevator. “I heard that, too. Stavros has you working another double?” he asked, unhappy.
“Tilde is seventy-one, Trex. She hasn’t been feeling well a lot lately. I’m worried about her.”
“It’s not good for the baby for you to be on your feet for so long.”
I smiled at him. “I’ve been feeling really good.”
“Wow,” he said, looking down at my doodle. “Don’t throw that one away. I want to keep it.”
“Oh, quit it,” I said.
“I’m serious. You’re really good.”
I gestured to the empty hall in front of the elevators. “Is Ellison okay?”
Trex looked in the direction I was pointing. “I don’t know. I’ll see what I can find out.”
I nodded, watching Trex walk into the room just off the lobby that the higher-ups from the Forestry Department had claimed as headquarters.
Tyler walked past me alone, keeping his eyes to the floor until he left out the sliding doors. He caught a ride with a small group in an interagency vehicle, and the truck peeled out of the parking lot. Ellison trudged toward me a few minutes later, her bag in her hands. The marker fell out of my hands, and I bent down to pick it up and then stood. “Ellie? Are you okay?”
She placed her card key on the upper part of the desk. “Yeah. I have to leave.” Her voice sounded like she was on the verge of tears.
“I screwed up. I’m being sent home.”
I shook my head. “Screwed up how? Because you were drinking?” I knew exactly what she’d done, but not the details. I was hoping she’d fill in the blanks.
“It’s a long story. Trex can explain it to you.”
Her answer took me by surprise. I looked to the meeting room. “Well…if you ever come back…be sure to stop by and say hi.”
Ellison smiled, looking tired but appreciative. “I will.”
An older man in a worn suit waited for her in a car outside. I waved to Ellison, but she’d turned before she saw me.
The meeting room’s glass door swept open, and Trex stepped out. He was smiling at me, and that’s when I noticed his combat boots. He wore all black from cap to shoes, except his yellow aviators. He was at least six feet two, and walked like he was invincible, like he owned the world because he’d survived it. Soldiers had a certain strut, different from firefighters or policemen, and he’d been practicing for a long time.
“They found her wandering around in a restricted area,” he said. “She’s in a lot of trouble. What’s that look?” Trex asked, his brows pulling together.
“Nothing,” I said, looking down. Either way, I didn’t want to know.
“Tell me,” he said.
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
He frowned. “I thought we agreed that we preferred bluntness.”
“We also agreed it was okay to have secrets, but not lies.”
The two lines between his brows deepened. “What the hell happened in the three minutes since I walked away?”
“Fine. Why are you dressed like a soldier?”
He looked down at his clothes, taken off guard by my question. “What?”
“You walk like one, too. Are you military? Because you know how I feel about—”
“Okay,” he said, glancing over his shoulder. “This is a private conversation for another time.”
“We’ve been alone more than once.”
He closed his eyes tight and rubbed the back of his neck. “Can this wait? It’s been a long day.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I guess.”
“Thank you,” he said. He kissed the corner of my mouth and rushed to the door to the stairwell.
Stavros approached the check-in desk. He’d been waiting for Trex to leave. “I appreciate you working Tilde’s shift. Maya is covering the three to eleven tomorrow. I’ll get someone hired for nights soon.”
“What?” I asked. “But I have third shift.”
“Tilde isn’t coming back. I’m going to need to move you up. Unless you just like nights, then I’ll leave you there.”
“Is she okay?”
“She has several appointments the next few weeks. Her doctor had some tests run. It’s not good.”
“Pneumonia?”
“Lung cancer. Stage four.”
I covered my mouth. “Stavros, no.”
He patted my shoulder. “She’s been smoking a pack and a half a day since she was fourteen. It’s not a surprise.”
I let my hand fall away from my mouth. “It’s still sad. You’re still sad. She’s your grandma.”
“Of course I’m sad.” He took a step toward the bar, but then turned to me. “I appreciate you stepping up and covering her shifts. I promise I’ll get someone hired soon. Did you want to stay on nights?”
“Yes, that’s fine. I don’t mind. But I can train your new three-to-eleven hire.”
He smiled, but his eyes were tired. “You really are an angel. Okay, I’ll keep everyone else where they are, too. Ander on days, and Maya will stay weekends and fill in. Sound good?”
“Yeah. Yes, whatever you need.”
“I might be in and out for the foreseeable future. Know any good bartenders?”
“I’ll ask around,” I said.
Stavros scanned the lobby before fishing his phone from his pocket and making a call.
My shoulders sagged. Tilde had been sick on and off since my first day. I had no idea it was cancer. That made me more resolved to keep things in order for Stavros. I was the oldest lobby employee. Ander and Maya wouldn’t be able to run things while he was gone.
Trex didn’t come back to the lobby until almost dinnertime. He passed through in his gym clothing, purposefully not making eye contact, and hurried out the door in his gym clothes. An hour later he came back, three half circles of sweat darkening his T-shirt on his chest and underarms, and a stripe going down his back.
“Hey,” he said, nervous. He handed me a Styrofoam box and a clear bag with plasticware inside. “I got you meatloaf.”
“Thank you,” I said, opening the box.
Stavros, walking toward us from the bar, caught my eye.
“Darby, why don’t you take a break? I’ll cover while you eat,” Stavros said.
“But the lobby is full of hotshots, and…” I began.
“I can handle the lobby and the bar for an hour. Go.” He jerked his head toward my room.
“An hour?” I asked.
“Yes. Go,” he said, shooing me away from the front desk.
“Okay, okay,” I said, carrying the white box with me. I stopped, seeing Trex still standing by the check-in desk. “Are you coming?”
“Am I invited?”
I frowned. “Yes. Why wouldn’t you be?”
Trex followed me to my room and waited quietly while I used my card key to get in. I sat on the bed and opened the box, freeing the fork and knife from the bag and digging in. “Oh my God, that’s good,” I said, closing my eyes.
“I should have left the gym sooner,” he said, pacing. “I shouldn’t have made you wait so long.”
“You’re not in charge of feeding me, Trex.”
“I care about you. A lot. That means I get to take care of you, and I didn’t do a great job tonight.”
I carved another piece off the meatloaf, mixing it with the mashed potatoes. “I had a sandwich in the fridge in the back. I planned to eat when I had a free moment. Not as good as this, though. Thank you.”
“You need more than a PB&J. We should hit the grocery store this weekend.” He looked at his watch. He was stalling and pressed for time at the same time.
“My brother used to do that,” I said. “Work out when he was upset. Sometimes he couldn’t use his arms after or stand because his body was so exhausted. But…why are you so upset? At me?”
Trex stopped, sat on the bed, and slid his fingers between mine. “No, I’m not upset with you.”
“Then what is it?”
“Just trying to figure a few things out.”
“How to be with a pregnant girl?”
He chuckled once, the tightness around his eyes disappearing. “No. That part is easy. It’s the losing her part I’m trying to avoid.”
“Why would you lose me? Is what you have to tell me that bad?” I asked, feeling my appetite disappear.
He stood again, paced again. My eyes followed him, back and forth, while he interlaced his fingers on top of his head and blinked a lot. I’d never seen him so nervous. “It’s not what I have to say. It’s what I can’t say. So I’m going to tell you everything else, and”—he looked at his watch—“I have forty-five minutes to do it. But you should eat while I talk. Deal?”
I nodded.
He was taking deep breaths, walked to the small table and chair in the far corner of the room, to the mouth of the short entrance hall and back.
I took a bite, chewed, and swallowed, barely tasting my food. I took another. “Trex,” I prompted. My eyes filled with tears. “Are you married?”
“No.” He stopped, but he didn’t look at me, instead sitting on the end of the bed, his back to me. “Ander told me you said you wouldn’t date military, cops, or firefighters.”
“True,” I said.
Trex sighed. “I haven’t been honest with you, Darby. I wasn’t trying to manipulate you. I just needed you to get to know me first, before I told you the truth. Because I can’t tell you the whole truth, and I needed you to trust me.”
“You get me to trust you by lying to me?”
“I omitted.”
“Omission is lying,” I said.
He turned, meeting my gaze, gauging my expression, then he looked at the Styrofoam. I took a bite, and he faced the wall again. He was hunched over, his back muscles pressed against his gray T-shirt, the wet line down the center beginning to disappear.
“You’re right. I lied to you, and I’m sorry.”
“So which are you?” I swallowed. “Military or cop? Because I know you’re not a firefighter.”
“FBI.”
“You’re an FBI agent?” I asked, trying to process everything he was saying. “Is that how you got Ellie out of jail?”
He winced. “You caught that, huh?”
“You used your contacts at the FBI to get her out of jail?” He nodded, and I grinned. “That was really cool of you, Trex.” I was trying really hard to be mad at him, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. He’d kept things from me, and that wasn’t okay, but other than hiding part of his past because he thought he’d lose me, he had proven over and over to me that he was good down to his core.
“I left the Bureau several months ago, traveled to visit friends, and toward the end of my trip, I was offered a new job here in Colorado Springs. So, I moved all my shit from a storage unit in San Diego to a storage unit here, and I’ve been looking for a place.”
“Not the Forestry Department, or Department of Agriculture.”
“You really can’t tell me what you do now?”
He crawled closer to me and sat. “I’m private security. That’s all I can say. Eat, Darby. I don’t want you getting sick.”
“FBI, huh?” I asked, taking a small bite of mashed potatoes. I shrugged one shoulder. “That’s kinda impressive. Part of me knew at least part of it. I’m not stupid, you know.”
“I know. I’ve never thought you were.”
“You didn’t think I was stupid, but you hoped I wouldn’t figure it out?”
“I planned to talk to you about this, but we’re good together. I don’t know about you, but it was instantaneous for me. I didn’t want to tell you for you to write me off before I even had a chance.”
“Why can’t you tell me what you do now?”
“I can’t tell anyone. It’s part of my contract. I could lose my job, and there are people depending on me.”
“So you do have a family?”
“Huh? No. I mean…only the ones I told you about. My parents and my sister, Hailey. My grandparents are gone. I have an aunt and uncle in South Dakota, but I haven’t seen them in years. I’ve never been married. No kids…yet. My team depends on me.”
I took another bite and chewed, thinking over what he could tell me. “Have you ever hit a woman?” He paused for a long time, and I could feel the muscles in my shoulders tensing. “Trex?”
“I’ve shot a few who were shooting at me. I’m not proud of it, but I didn’t have a choice.”
“You’ve shot a woman?” He nodded, clearly ashamed and trying to push away the image in his head.
His face darkened. “I’ve killed a lot of people, Darby. Too many to count.”
I touched his hand. “So you were what…? SWAT?”
“Field agent.”
I wasn’t exactly sure what that was, but I knew Trex wasn’t the typical personality I had sworn to avoid.
“Darby?”
I looked up, meeting his gaze. I hadn’t realized I’d been staring off until that moment.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been completely honest with you.”
“I’m kind of glad you weren’t. You’re right. I would have assumed you were a megalomaniacal jerk and we wouldn’t be here right now.”
He grinned, relieved. “Any more questions?”
I considered his offer for more answers. “Have you had a girlfriend in the past?”
“Yeah, a few. The only serious one married my best friend.”
I had to get my surprise under control. I felt a little mad, even. “Lucky for me, I guess. Why did you break up?”
“She wasn’t the one. We both knew it.”
“How did you know?”
“Because she wasn’t you.”
One corner of my mouth turned up. Trex had always been charming, but lately, he never missed an opportunity to make me feel like I was everything to him. “Did you fight?”
“A few times.”
“How did you resolve them?”
He laughed once. “Oh. This has turned into an interview, hasn’t it?”
“Are you evading the question?”
“Usually with me apologizing.”
“For what?”
The small smile on his face disappeared. “For whatever made her mad, which was a lot. I couldn’t blame her. It had to be frustrating being with a man who was in love with a woman he’d never met.”
Trex watched me, and I took another bite, thinking that’s what he was waiting for.
“Is what you’re doing now illegal?” I asked. “Are you selling drugs or something?”
“What? Hell no, I’m contracted with the government.”
I nodded.
“Are we okay?” he asked. “I’m pretty good at reading people, and right now, I have no clue.”
“Honestly?”
He nodded again.
“I’m trying to decide if I can trust you.”
He held my hand with both of his, kissing my wrists and closing his eyes. “I know. I know it’s weird that I can’t tell you. And I’m fully aware of how nuts it is for me to ask for forgiveness for lying to you and then ask you to trust me in the same breath. But I’ve never felt like this about anyone.” He met my gaze. “Fear can make people do stupid things, and nothing scares me more than losing you.”
I pulled my hands from his grasp and moved the Styrofoam to the nightstand.
“Are you finished?” He swallowed. “Are we finished?”
I sat up on my knees. “How much time do we have?”
Trex blinked and looked down at his watch. “Thirty minutes.”
“Good enough,” I said, unbuttoning my shirt. I peeled it off, pulled my arms from the sleeves, smiling at the look of disbelief and desire on Trex’s face. I tossed it over the chair and then climbed on top of his lap and straddled his legs.
He lifted his chin to look up at me. I took his jaw in my hands and bent down to kiss him, parting my lips to allow his tongue inside. Without pause, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer, working his mouth against mine. The way he kissed me was healing. He took my guilt and shame and hurt and replaced it with confidence and kindness and…
“I love you,” he said. Love. “I know it sounds crazy,” he whispered against my lips, “but I’ve known for a long time you were out there somewhere. I just had to find you.”
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, that moment when I was supposed to say it back, but I couldn’t. I had thought I’d loved Shawn, but that wasn’t what it was. Trex deserved for me to be sure. Instead of repeating his sentiments, I kissed him. He didn’t seem to mind, his hands left my middle and gripped my thighs, pulling me closer. My lips wandered to his neck, tasting his flesh until I reached his ear. He moaned, and I could feel him bulging against my thigh. I took his face in my hands and kissed him again. We stared at each other for a moment, breathing hard.
“I want you,” I whispered against his mouth. “But we have to be careful.”
He instantly slowed down, his hands seeming less desperate. “You’re right. We should wait until…we know for sure.”
He meant we should both get tested for diseases or infections. I was glad he agreed. I couldn’t be reckless, not while I was sharing my body with someone else. Not ever again. I pulled on his wrist, looking at his watch. “We still have twenty minutes.”
I reached back, my gaze meeting Trex’s as I unbuttoned my bra and pushed the straps down until it fell to the mattress between us. I didn’t own the sexiest undergarments in the world, but it was impossible to find a sexy full support for a size E bra. During my pregnancy, my double D’s had grown out of control.
Trex put one hand on my back, the other behind my neck, and slowly lay me onto the mattress. His lips touched the skin just beneath my collarbone and I sighed. It was a place that was low enough that it wouldn’t be seen or touched in any situation other than intimacy, and that made the kiss that much more arousing. Shawn had never paid attention to details like that, and I could tell Trex was relishing the privilege to kiss me in that exact spot.
Trex undressed me one piece of my clothing at a time. We were aware of the minutes ticking away, but he was savoring every second. When I was finally naked and beneath him, he ran his fingers from my collarbone, and made a tender, slow line from between my breasts to my navel, then reached down between my thighs and caressed my tender skin. His fingers moved in small circles, and he bent down to kiss me occasionally, but mostly he took simple enjoyment in my expressions and the way I writhed and trembled under his touch. I moaned, and whimpered, and then cried out. Trex covered my mouth with his while I shivered beneath him.
His fingers slowed, and he settled between my legs, bearing his weight on his elbows. He was still dressed. “Your cheeks are flushed. And your hair is a mess.”
“I should probably brush it before I go back to work. And maybe get dressed.”
“Definitely get dressed,” he said with a wink. “Those hotshots would catch on fire if you walked out there like this.”
“And you?”
He squinted one eye, thinking. “I’m not sure if I would burst with pride or die of jealousy.”
“You’d be proud of me walkin’ around in my birthday suit?” I said with a giggle.
“I’m just proud of you in general. You’re tough as nails, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and you let me do this.” With that, he bent down to peck my lips. “I’m a lucky, lucky man, and don’t pretend you don’t already know it.”
I touched his lips with my index finger, then his chin. “I’m the lucky one.”
He leaned down to kiss me again, this time slower. His hips rocked into me gently, and he hummed. He sat up quickly and crawled off the bed. “I should leave. Let you get ready. See you later?”
I sat up on my elbows. “Yeah.”
He nodded once, walking backward to the door. “Awesome.”
The door cracked open just enough for him to slide out, and then he was gone.
I lay back, covering my mouth, my body feeling relaxed, my heart full, hoping Trex was everything he seemed.