Twelve.

 

For Lottie’s sake, I dress up tonight – at least that’s what I tell myself as I drive over to Finn’s house. I can hear the party from the bottom of the driveway. Cars are parked haphazardly all the way up, with loud music playing and the sound of conversation drifting on the breeze. It’s a warm night, and the scent of rhododendrons is thick in the air. Lanterns are strung all the way down to the far dock.

I get out and smooth my skirt down, nervous. If I could have shown up in overalls, it would have been safer. Instead, I’m wearing a fluttery skirt with a silky tank. Perfectly demure by any standards, but all I can think about is how easy it would be to lift the hem higher, or slip the spaghetti straps down over my shoulders…

No. Bad Eva. Think sober, unsexy thoughts.

I head up the front steps. It looks like every door and window in the old house is flung open, spilling bright lights and laughter out into the dusk light. Inside, the place is packed, with dozens of faces I recognize, and plenty I don’t.

“Isn’t this great?” Lottie grabs me from behind as I make my way deeper inside. “I don’t know how he pulled it off, but everyone’s here!”

“Happy early birthday,” I laugh, hugging her. “Did Kit get settled with the babysitter?”

“Yup.” She beams, grabbing a bottle from the table. “And she’s promised to text hourly updates. So as far as I’m concerned, I’m young, free, and single tonight.”

“Atta girl!” Delilah joins us, slapping her on the ass. “I’ll drink to that.” She grabs us some glasses, and Lottie pours. “Champagne?” She notes the bottle and whistles.

“He bought, like, a whole case,” Lottie says, eyes wide. “And there’s catering, too, all kinds of food and desserts. I feel kind of bad. I didn’t expect anything like this.”

“He can afford it,” Delilah says blithely, toasting us. “And if he wants to try and buy your affections, let him.”

“My what?” Lottie frowns.

“To get on your good side,” Delilah explains. “Because of Eva.”

“Leave me out of this,” I say quickly, gulping my drink.

“But wait.” Lottie grabs my arm. “What does she mean-?”

“Oh look!” I interrupt, spotting someone across the room. “Isn’t that the cute guy who talked to you in the park? You should go say hello.”

Lottie’s head snaps around. “Sam!” She brightens, then heads across to talk to him.

“Quick save,” Delilah smirks.

“Don’t you start.” I give her a look.

“My lips, sealed.” Dee mimes locking them shut. “I’m just glad you finally wore a ‘fuck me’ outfit.”

“What?” My voice rises an octave. She laughs.

“The heart wants what the heart wants. Good luck!” Delilah saunters away, leaving me in a new panic. It’s not my heart that’s the problem, it’s my body that’s betraying me. Every time I see someone out of the corner of my eye I turn, hoping that they’re Finn.

Where is he?

I decide to try and settle my stomach, and head on through to the buffet tables set up in the dining room. Lottie was right, Finn spared no expense for this. There’s BBQ and sliders, but also sushi, and intricate little hors d’oeuvres, enough to feed a small army. I fill a plate, then slip out to one of the side porches to sit in the dark and watch the last of the pale light while the party whirls on inside.

I sit back in the old swing, curling my feet underneath me. Lottie getting another year older, Delilah barreling on with her plan to take over the real estate world, it all makes me think about my own life, and how it’s barely moving at all. My job is fine, and pays the bills, and I love the work I do at the shelter, but I can’t deny the restless urge I get, clicking through Pinterest and websites late at night, looking at the million other possibilities waiting out there in the world for me.

I’ve come close to leaving a hundred times. After things got back to normal, and I felt like I was on solid ground after all the chaos of New York, I even looked up which colleges had good theatre programs nearby. I must have downloaded a dozen applications, even started filling a few out, but every time I really thought about packing my bags up and heading out again on my own, something inside me froze up. I made such a mess of things last time around, part of me is scared it’ll happen again. That I’ll make one wrong decision and send my life hurtling off track again, but this time in ways that can’t be fixed so easily.

Here in Oak Harbor, at least I know I’m doing the right thing. Sure, it’s a simple, quiet life, but I don’t wake up in the morning feeling like I have a knife in my heart and a stranger in my bed.

“Should have guessed I’d find you here.” The door opens, and Finn steps outside. “Rule number one: look for Eva in the darkest, quietest corner of any party.” He looks around. “This place is a madhouse already. How did you even find a place alone?”

“It’s a super power, I guess,” I reply lightly, but my heart stutters at the sight of him in a simple white tee shirt and threadbare jeans, good enough to eat.

“I guess we should be glad you didn’t bring a book,” Finn grins. “Then you wouldn’t notice a single thing.”

“I’m not that bad!” I protest.

He laughs. “Kidding. To tell the truth, I always envied your focus.” He takes a seat beside me on the swing and pushes off, rocking us back and forth. “Maybe I would have done better in school without all those distractions.”

“You mean girls.”

“Touché.” Finn smiles. “Lottie seems to be having a good time. I just saw her recruiting some guys to set up a karaoke machine.”

“Stop her, for all our sakes,” I laugh. “I mean, I love my sister, but the girl cannot carry a tune.” I pause, glancing over. “Thank you,” I say quietly. “For the party. You really didn’t have to go all out like this.”

“It’s nothing.” Finn waves away my praise. “She deserves it. She’s a good kid.”

“Not such a kid anymore,” I remark, feeling wistful. “I think she’s more grown up than me, sometimes. I just wish.” I stop. Finn looks over, waiting. “Just, that she’d had a chance to do something different. We all love Kit, but she used to have all these dreams, about traveling the world, or moving to LA to work in fashion. She was going to have all kinds of big adventures.”

“You mean like you were planning?” Finn takes a sip of his beer. “How did that work out for you?”

His voice is even, but still, I tense. “That’s different.”

“Is it?” He watches me, steady. “The girl I knew was ready to take a risk, just leap into the unknown.”

I fight back emotion. “Maybe you didn’t know me so well.”

“Come on.” Finn looks at me, that deep stare I couldn’t hide from if I tried. Right away I feel on trial, exposed for him to judge. “You were going to conquer the world, Eva. What happened to you?”

I swallow hard. “I hit the ground,” I tell him, and get up.

“Eva—”

“No, don’t. I get it,” I say bitterly. “You remember someone different. Someone fun, and wild, and ready to take on the world. Well, I tried, but sometimes the world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

I turn for the door, but it flies open. “Time for cake!” Delilah cries, grabbing my hand. “Come on, I bet Lottie she couldn’t blow out all twenty in one go. If she forfeits, someone’s going skinny-dipping!”

Grateful, I let Dee pull me back inside, the party enveloping me in bright noise again. But still, I can’t shake the memory of Finn just now, and that sad disappointment in his eyes. He has no right to be disappointed, none at all. If I failed to live up to all his expectations, he should share the blame, too.

It’s easy to be young and reckless when you’ve never tasted loss before.

I bite back my sadness, and force on a big smile. “Look at that cake!” I cry, joining Lottie and the crowd in the main room, clustered around the biggest three-tier chocolate cake I’ve ever seen. “Where did you even get something like that?”

“Finn had it made special order in the city.” Lottie beams. “We’re going to be eating leftovers for a week.”

“I love it when you talk dirty,” Dee laughs, arm around her on the other side. She holds up her phone to take a pic. “Now everyone smile and say, ‘frosting!”

The crowd cheers and applauds as Lottie blows out the candles – every last one. “Lucky escape,” Delilah laughs. Lottie grins, her eyes going to that Sam guy.

“I don’t know, I might try the creek out – after another few drinks.”

I remember her birthday last year, how tired and stressed she was. Kit wasn’t feeding properly, and we barely had time for some takeout and five minutes of a DVD before he bawled his eyes out, demanding her harried attention again. I feel a wave of pride at how far she’s come. For all my anxiety about Finn, I’m glad she’s getting the night of fun and sparkle she deserves.

Lottie cuts into the cake, and everyone breaks out in a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’. She laughs, and takes a bow, but when the final chords die away, she hones in on Finn. “Will you play something?” she begs. “Pretty please?”

He looks bashful.

“C’mon,” Delilah joins the cause. “Just one song. You’re the big superstar, after all. And it is her birthday.”

“Guys,” I murmur, uncomfortable. “He’s done enough already.”

“It’s fine.” Finn smiles at me. “Hold on.” He leaves the room, and comes back a moment later with his guitar slung around his neck. He strums a couple of chords, and the room quiets. All eyes are on him. “Any requests?”

Lottie claps her hands together in glee. “Seriously? Oh my God. Dee,” she hisses. “You better be filming this!”

“Got it!” Delilah holds up her phone.

“Can you play ‘Sometimes’?” Lottie asks. “It’s my favorite.”

“For the birthday girl, anything.”

I watch as Finn strums the guitar, adjusting the fret, like he’s pulling on an old jacket that fits just right. Then he starts to play, a familiar melody I recognize as his first big hit. It’s sweet and slow, a melancholy song, and the notes slip through the crowded room, changing the mood in an instant.

I feel an ache. He looks so at ease, even the center of attention like this, holding that guitar like its an extension of his body, a spare limb he knows by heart.

He found the thing he loves most in the world, and he made a life of it. He made it count.

Finn opens his mouth, and that whiskey sweet voice begins to sing, deep and rich. I feel it melt all the way down my spine.

“Sometimes when the night is over, and I’m back in someone else’s bed. I think of you, and that pale sweet reflection, and I’m here wishing I was with you instead.”

He looks up, and his eyes catch mine across the room. I freeze, my heart suddenly in my throat as he sings – to me. The crowd melts away, and for a moment, it’s just the two of us, the words strung between us like a message.

Or an apology?

My pulse thunders in my ears, but I can’t look away. I never let myself believe any of his songs were about me. I couldn’t drive myself crazy looking for clues in his lyrics like that for long, but now, here, the emotion and regret of the song hit me like a bullet.

Was he really singing about me all this time?

Finn’s eyes are on me still, but I can’t read the expression in their ocean-blue depths. He’s a showman, I remind myself. He’s used to playing for a crowd, giving them what they want from a performance, making every woman in the room feel like he’s singing just for them.

So why does it feel like he really means it, this time?

“And I’m here wishing I was with you instead.”

The final line echoes softly, and the music drifts away. Finn gives me a smile, not the flashy, crowd-pleasure grin, but something quieter. Just for me. My emotions storm in my chest, and suddenly, I can’t take it anymore. I turn and slip through the crowd, leaving them clustered around him and cheering for more.

“Encore!” they cry, and Finn strikes up another song, this one fast, upbeat. I hurry away, heading blindly through the house until I find a quiet corner in the kitchen to hide. A couple of caterers give me a curious look, but nobody bothers me as I pull a cold bottle of water from a cooler and drink, trying to cool down.

Finn’s made it clear he wants me, my body, that inferno between us; everything he used to command with just a look, a lightning touch. But is that enough for me? Every time I’m near him, I feel swept up in this hurricane of desire. It feels inevitable, unstoppable, but I know that’s just a lie I’ve been telling to myself. If I was really determined, I could still call this whole thing off, stay away from him for real this time. Shut myself away, and avoid the heartache I can see hurtling towards me, full-speed ahead.

Except…

I pause, an ugly realization rearing from the back of my mind. Staying away from trouble makes sense, but I’ve been doing that for years, and it hasn’t changed a damn thing. I’ve tried denying it, but my friends are right: I’ve been holding on to Finn and all his heartache since the day he left. I’ve told myself I’ve moved on, but the memory of that pain has haunted me. I’ve been afraid to put my heart on the line again and risk that same devastation in the end. Sure, I’ve gone through the motions of blind dates and fix-ups, but it never lasts for long.

But Finn? He makes me feel everything, so much that it scares me. The desire for him, my naked need; I’ve never felt so out-of-control as when I’m with him, like my chest is cracked wide open and my heart is beating, open and raw, offered up for him to do as he wants with it. I’m on the edge of the cliff, and just slightest sign from him -- the smallest hint at all -- and I would give it all to him. Hand him my heart, and soul, and relinquish myself to the fall.

This fire racing through my bloodstream both terrifies and intoxicates me too. It could leave us both in ashes, burn my whole world to the ground again.

But wouldn’t it be a beautiful blaze?

I hear another round of applause echo, so I pull myself back together and walk slowly back towards the party. As I’m heading down the hallway, the front door opens, and Sawyer steps inside. I do a double take. He looks different out of his work jeans and sweater. He’s wearing a smart button-down, looking cleanly-shaven and classically handsome.

“Eva.” He greets me with a smile. “How are you? I was hoping I’d see you here.”

“Umm, hi.” I blink, thrown. “You’re back!”

“I know, it feels like I was gone for weeks,” Sawyer agrees. “But you know how us veterinarians like to party.”

“Wild nights with all your research papers?” I joke.

Sawyer laughs. “Something like that. Anyway, how about you? How have you been?” He moves just a bit closer, leaning against the wall.

“Good, busy,” I say vaguely.

“Lots of work at the shelter?”

“Right.”

And diving headlong into emotional confusion over my ex, I silently add.

“That Edith’s a character, huh?” Sawyer continues, smiling affectionately at the thought. “I stopped by yesterday, and she gave me the third degree, quizzing me all about my intentions towards you.”

I groan, embarrassed. “I’m sorry, she likes to play matchmaker.”

“That’s okay.” Sawyer grins. “They’re only a little dishonorable, I promise.” He winks, and my heart plummets. Any other month, and I would be on cloud nine right now. A hot, single animal lover who wants to flirt with me? I should be melting. But with Finn in the next room – scruffy, dangerous, intoxicating Finn – I’m afraid to admit it, but no other man stands a chance.

“Listen,” I start, awkward. “There’s something you should know—”

I’m about to tell him that I’m too tied up in ancient history to think about dating him right now, when the cause of all my confusion emerges from the living room. Finn stops, taking us in.

“I don’t think we’ve been introduced,” he says, stepping forward with his hand outstretched. “Finn McKay.”

“Sawyer Green.” Sawyer shakes his hand, good natured. “Great to meet you. Are you a friend of Eva’s?” he asks.

“An old friend,” Finn says, giving me a look.

“Sawyer’s the new vet in town,” I speak up. “He’s been helping out at the rescue.”

“That’s great.” Finn’s voice is friendly, but there’s a weird vibe here all the same. Sawyer and he are assessing each other, casual on the surface, but I can tell something’s going on underneath. “Eva’s been volunteering there for years.”

“She said so,” Sawyer replies pleasantly. “She has a real gift with the animals. They all love her.”

“Everyone does.”

There’s a pause. I look back and forth between them. “You want to get a drink?” I ask Sawyer. “There’s a full bar, right through here.”

“Sounds good.” He smiles at me. “Good meeting you, Finn.”

“You too.” Finn nods. “Let me know if you need anything.”

I guide Sawyer through to the party and get him set up with a beer, my mind racing how I’m going to explain this one. But he beats me to it. “I’m guessing he’s who you wanted to talk to me about,” he says casually, and I nearly splutter on my drink.

“How did you know?”

Sawyer chuckles. “I’m not blind. Old boyfriend?”

I nod, feeling bad. “He just came back to town,” I try to explain. “And I wasn’t going to get involved, but—”

“Hey, it’s okay. I understand.” Sawyer gives me a rueful look. “Bad timing, the story of my life.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, feeling a twist of regret. “If I’d met you any other time—”

“I get it,” Sawyer cuts me off, smiling. “We’re good. But I still want to get that drink sometime. You can give me the inside scoop on this town. Friends?” he asks.

I nod, relieved. “Friends.”

Sawyer looks over my shoulder, and smiles. “If it makes you feel any better, your guy looks as if he’s about to challenge me to a duel.”

I turn. Finn is watching us, looking tense. Sawyer leans in a little closer, and murmurs in my ear. “A little jealousy can be good for a guy.”

“I’m not trying—”

“I know,” Sawyer reassures me. “But I’m happy to help.” He places a hand on my arm, still leaning in close. “I give him ten seconds…”

But it barely takes five before Finn cuts through the crowd and joins us again. “Finding everything okay?” he asks, a new note of steel in his voice.

“Sure. Eva’s being real helpful,” Sawyer drawls. He squeezes my shoulder.

Finn’s jaw clenches. “Is that so?”

“I’m lucky I met her,” Sawyer continues. “She’s really one of a kind.”

I flush, caught in Finn’s possessive stare, but I can’t help feeling a satisfied thrill. I hate playing games, but after acting so relaxed around me, he’s finally looking like he gives a damn.

“What about you, Eva?” Finn asks. “Are you having fun?”

His voice is dangerously silky. I smile.

“Yes, I am. Thanks again for hosting,” I add sweetly. “I’ve been wanting to introduce Sawyer, and this is the perfect chance for him to meet everyone. He can’t wait to settle in, since he’s going to be sticking around.”

“You’re just passing through, right?” Sawyer asks him.

Finn scowls. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“He’s just here for the month,” I tell Sawyer. “Then he’s back on the road again, back to his real life.”

“I never saw the appeal of big city life,” Sawyer muses. “As far as I’m concerned, you’ve got everything you need right here.” He holds my gaze, flirty, and I can almost feel Finn seething beside me.

“Eva?” Finn’s voice comes. “Can I talk to you a minute?”

“I’m kind of busy right now,” I tell him, not looking around.

“Eva. Now.”

Finn takes my arm, and before I can protest he steers me through the crowd. “Hey!” I try to stop him. “I was in the middle of something.”

“Clearly.” Finn doesn’t let go. He guides me down the hallway, looking around for something.

“Finn, let me go!” I demand. “What are you doing?”

“What I’ve been wanting to do ever since you walked in the damn house.” Finn yanks open a door and pushes me through it – right into a dark coat closet.

“Finn!” I protest again, turning, but my words are swallowed by his kiss.

Hot, hard, possessive. His mouth crashes down on mine, pushing me back until I’m up against the wall and there’s no escape from his passion, even if I tried.

Clinging to my last thread of sense, I wrench away. “Finn—”

He kisses me again, sliding both hands around my waist, his body hard against mine.

I know this is crazy, but my resolve wavers. This is sexy as hell, here in the dark with the party just a few paces away. I push him weakly. “We can’t,” I gasp. “We need to talk.”

“So talk.” Finn dips his head and kisses my neck. “I’ll just be busy, right here.” He bites down softly on my shoulder. My head spins.

Focus, Eva. Adult conversation.

Finn’s hands slide under my camisole, and God, his touch is fire, igniting me all over again. Desire curls through me, and it’s impossible to ignore. He’s here, so close. All mine.

Talk later. Kiss now.

I give up and pull him down, greedy, loving the feel of his body, every last inch. Here in this dark cocoon, I can forget everything, everything except the wild touch of his hands, and the ache he brings, like my body is calling out for the one thing it needs more than anything in the world.

Him.

I kiss him back, sinking into the wildfire heat, and the tantalizing slide of his tongue deep in my mouth. I moan against him, and his body tenses in answer. He pulls back. “Tell me you haven’t done this with him,” Finn demands, his voice hoarse with lust. He slides his hand possessively over the curve of my breast, making me shudder. “Tell me he hasn’t felt you like this, or seen the way you look when you’re coming undone.”

I shake my head. “We never,” I manage. “We didn’t even go on a real date.”

“Good.” Finn scowls. “Because I was just about ready to knock him out for laying a hand on you back there.”

His fierce possession makes my pulse kick, but I feel a spark of anger, too. “You don’t get a say in who touches me,” I remind him crossly. “You don’t own me.”

“Don’t I?” Finn yanks me closer, sliding one hand between my legs. His touch finds me, through silk and lace, and presses softly. I gasp at the rush of pleasure, and Finn gives me a victorious smile. “Tell me that again when you’re begging me to let you come.”

Damn.

I’m torn between begging him right now, and showing him I’m not so easily controlled. I hate how easily my body responds to his dirty mouth and tempting hands. But I love it, too. Nobody ever made me feel this way.

Finn strokes me again, inching my skirt higher, but with super human strength I pull away. “Not here,” I manage. “Someone could walk in.”

“And?” he asks, a wicked glint in his eye.

I flush, and he chuckles. “OK, we’ll have it your way. Outside.”

Before I can point out that’s not what I meant, Finn pulls open the door and peers out. “All clear,” he says, and takes my hand, pulling me after him. He grabs a blanket from the closet behind us, and a bottle of champagne from the table in the hall, then ducks out the back door.

I hesitate.

Isn’t this what I’ve been fighting all along? If I walk out that door after him, there’s nothing but heartache waiting for me – and incredible, bone-deep pleasure.

But if I stay, I’m playing it safe, the way I’ve done for years now: a neat, careful life with a heart that never breaks, but doesn’t have a chance to swell or beat, either. No chance to feel the storm crackling with electricity, or know the rush of total release.

“Eva?”

Finn stands in the doorway. My Finn. He’s wearing that heartbreaker smile again, the one that always takes my breath away.

My heart aches for him. Sometimes I think it never stopped.

The past can stay hidden, I remind myself. Secrets don’t have to be told.

I make my choice, and follow.