Twenty-One.

 

Eva

 

I wake early, the sun barely rising outside the windows. It takes me a moment to realize that I’m curled in bed, with Finn’s arm slung possessively around me, and his body spooning against my back.

I dreamed about him again last night. We were down by the riverbank, where I met him that first afternoon. In the dream, I was so glad to see him. I sat there beside him, and we barely said a word, just watched the water ripple and the ducks drift by, but I felt an ache so bittersweet and strong that the echo of it is still behind my ribcage now.

That was the part that hurt the most, all these years without him. Not memories of wild passion, or hot surging desire, but the simple peace of being near him, a harbor in the storm. I never took that connection for granted, but it wasn’t until I lost it that I discovered how rare it was to connect with somebody so completely that I always knew he would understand.

Now it hits me all over again, but with the sweetness, not pain. This sense of safety I find in his arms, where I can be myself without hesitations or fear. Two hearts that somehow find a way to beat together, two minds to make the rest of the world fade away. For a moment, I just lie here and close my eyes against the morning light, feeling the joy of him with me again.

Back in his arms, where I belong.

I carefully twist to face him. Asleep, his face is peaceful, his hair tangled over my pillows. He looks almost angelic, a far cry from the sexy, dominating man last night who held my pleasure to ransom until I admitted what I’ve been hiding from all this time.

I love him.

The words shiver through me, full of possibility and power. I shouldn’t feel anxious. I’ve loved him before, but it’s different this time. It’s one thing to love with an untouched, eager heart, but to find that same love when you’ve been broken and pieced back together?

That’s the love that is more powerful than anything. So strong and deep, it scares me. My whole heart in his hands.

Finn stirs, and I can’t stop myself reaching out to trace the line of his jaw and the soft curve of his lips. He smiles against my hand, but doesn’t wake.

Now he knows the truth.

I take a breath, waiting for the familiar rush of guilt and shame that always echoes from the past, but it doesn’t come.

Instead, I just feel relief, sweet and weightless.

He knows the truth now, and he didn’t turn away.

I feel a lump in my throat just remembering. Yesterday, I shut down and tried to keep it all inside, but Finn didn’t let me – he knew what I really needed, and refused to let me keep pushing him away, no matter how hard I tried.

We’re in this together now.

Could it be true? After everything that’s happened, is there a chance for us to start again? Not just a fling, or this physical connection, but something real. The love and security I’ve been craving ever since I lost him before. We’ve both bared our hearts now, admitted our darkest secrets and painful, bitter truths, so what do we do with this second chance?

Finn’s arms tighten around me. He mumbles something under his breath, and I lay back down beside him, snuggling closer into the warmth of his embrace. I listen to his breathing, and feel that happiness take flight in my chest.

We’ll figure out the answers together. All that matters is he’s home.

 

When I wake again, the sun is stronger through the windows, and I can smell breakfast wafting from downstairs. I tug on a robe, and go down. “I could get used to this,” I smile as I reach the kitchen – but the room is empty, just bacon warming under the grill and two plates waiting on the counter.

“But I thought he was a recluse these days.”

I hear Finn’s voice, talking on the phone on the back porch, so I pour myself a cup from the fresh pot of coffee and wander out.

He’s pacing back and forth, shirtless in his jeans, hair wet from the shower. “Uh huh, yeah, I know!” Whoever’s on the line, it’s good news. He’s animated, his whole face lit up as he talks. “You think he can fit me in?” he asks, then catches sight of me. He grins, and crosses the porch, sweeping me into his arms and kissing me until my head spins.

“Morning, beautiful.” He smiles, so handsome, I’m melting already. There’s a noise from the phone, and he laughs, lifting it to his ear again. “Not you, Kyle.”

Finn covers the handset this time. “There’s food waiting,” he winks. “I’ll be right in.”

“Take your time,” I smile, and head back up to take a shower. I luxuriate under the hot water, massaging my aching limbs. Man, it was hot last night, fucking up against the wall like that. Finn still knows all the right moves, and the filthy words that send me soaring higher each and every time. And we’ve barely even gotten started.

A massive grin spreads across my face, and doesn’t shift. I dry off and dress in cut-offs and a tank top, then skip downstairs again, hungry this time. Finn is still talking, so I finish making breakfast for the two of us, my famous soft scramble eggs, with plenty of cream and fresh chives. I set two places at the table in the kitchen nook, and look around. The Petersons aren’t due back for another month or two, but for the first time in a long while, I find myself wishing I had a place that was just my own. My choice of paint on the walls, my own furniture around.

Maybe it’s time to stop house sitting and finally take Delilah up on her offer to look for a rental of my own. Somewhere with privacy, and room for two.

I dig into my food, and soon Finn comes to join me. “Sorry about that,” he says, leaning to kiss me again. “Kyle doesn’t know the meaning of ‘short and sweet’.”

“Good news?” I ask, as he starts wolfing down his food.

“The best,” Finn grins. “Taylor Jennings has agreed to produce my next album.”

I recognize that name. “He’s that country rock guy, right?”

“He’s a legend,” Finn says reverently. “He’s produced some of my all time favorite records. I have all his albums, even the limited edition live vinyl I had to hunt down online. He doesn’t even take on new artists anymore, but Kyle must have sold an organ or something, because he wants to meet.”

“That’s great!” I exclaim, loving the passion in his eyes.

Finn is all smiles. “He’s a hermit these days, but if I get my ass to Nashville by the end of the week, he’ll find the studio time.”

I stop. “This week?”

Finn nods, crunching on some bacon. “It wouldn’t be long, three, four weeks maybe to write and lay down the demos, and then to LA mix the record. It’s kind of a relief,” he smiles. “I’ve been itching to pick up my guitar again. I have a ton of ideas for new songs.”

His words barely register. I’m still stuck on the part where he’ll be gone.

“You’re leaving,” I say slowly. Resignation sinks through me like a stone. “Again.”

Finn looks up, startled. “What? No, Eva, it’s not like that.”

“Then how is it?” I ask. My skin flushes hot, all those memories suddenly crashing over me. His absence, and the space he left beside me in my bed at night.

“It’s my career, it’s my real life.” Finn frowns. “I came back here to see you, but I can’t stay forever.”

“So what about us?” I ask, blinking back the tears. His face clears, and he reaches for me.

“You thought… Fuck, Eva, no.” Finn grips my hand tightly. “This, you and me, it’s just the beginning. I want you to come with me.”

“To Nashville?” I ask, stunned.

“To wherever.” Finn smiles at me, linking his fingers through mine. “I know I’ve bounced around these past years, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Most musicians have a base between tours, so you pick a place, and that’s where we’ll be. We could go to New York,” he suggests, excited. “You could go back to drama school if you wanted. Or LA. They have a ton of acting opportunities there—”

“Wait,” I cut him off, dizzy with the rush of ideas. “We don’t have to go anywhere. You can have your home base right here.” My mood lifts, and I smile, relieved. “You can go record, and do shows, and then come right back home to me.”

Finn’s smile fades. “I can’t do that, Eva.”

“Why not?”

He pushes his seat back slowly and gets up from the table. “This isn’t my home. It never has been.”

I watch, confused, as he clears our plates. What is he talking about? “Don’t you want to be with me?” I ask, my voice shaking.

“Of course I do!” Finn turns back to me. “You’re the reason I came back. All I want is for us to build a life together, the way we should have from the start!”

“So why can’t we do that here?” I ask again.

He clenches his jaw. “You don’t understand. This town holds nothing but bad memories for me. Every street I walk down, every corner I turn, I see my dad there, okay? I can’t stay here, not without all those shitty, painful reminders of everything that happened in the past!”

I stare at him in shock. “You never said anything.”

“I didn’t think I had to!” Finn looks at me plaintively. “Didn’t you realize? You’re the only thing that could have brought me back here. If it wasn’t for you, I would never have stepped foot across county lines, let alone stuck around all this time.”

I take a breath, trying to focus. “But this is my home, Finn. I can’t just leave!”

“Why not?” he shoots back. “You went once before. What’s holding you back? You can do anything, absolutely anything you want with your life, but you’re hiding out here.”

“I’m not hiding,” I say stubbornly, and he gives a short laugh.

“Then tell me what it is, because I sure as hell haven’t figured it out. Maybe things didn’t work out in New York, but that doesn’t mean you should quit on all your dreams. What comes next for you, Eva? Aside from us. Forget about me for a moment, and tell me what’s ahead for you.”

I shake my head, feeling defensive now. Since when was this a career interview? “I don’t know.”

“Tell me you have a plan. Tell me you have a dream, at least,” he begs me. “That you’re not just going to stay here, working in that office—”

“It’s a good job,” I protest.

“It’s a waste of your talent, and everything you worked for.” Finn says fiercely, and I blink in surprise. There’s a look on his face now I don’t recognize, something determined and raw. “You know how I made it?” he demands.

“You told us,” I answer, halting. “The showcases, and Kyle, and—”

“I’m not talking about the bullshit answers in Rolling Stone,” Finn cuts me off. “I mean the thing driving me, what made me get up in the morning and fight another day to be better. A better musician, a better fucking man. It was you, Eva. It was always you. You had this ambition, and God I loved you for that. Even after everything, I wanted to make you proud of me.”

“And I am!”

“I learned that fight from you, Eva. So where’s your fight now?”

I shake my head. “It’s complicated,” I mutter. “I don’t have a gift like you do. Even at drama school, there were a hundred people better than me—”

“So you just walked away without even trying?” Finn interrupts. “I guess I was wrong about you not being a quitter.”

My anger flares. “It was kind of hard focusing on classwork and auditions when it feels like your heart just got ripped out of your chest!”

There’s silence. Finn looks like I just slapped him, but then he slowly shakes his head. “No.” His voice is calm. “You don’t get to blame me for this. I’m sorry I hurt you. Fuck, I’ve been sorry for every minute of every day, but we can’t go back to that forever.

You’re twenty-two, Eva. You’ve got your entire life ahead of you to do incredible things – for us to do them together - and instead you’re letting it all pass you by.”

He comes over and takes my hands, looking into my eyes with passion and tenderness. “This can be our fresh start, baby. Away from all these bad memories and the mistakes that dragged us down. You and me, for real this time.”

“But I can’t just leave,” I insist again, feeling a tight panic in my chest. “Lottie needs me, and Edith at the shelter—”

“Lottie is just fine!” Finn is fighting to keep his voice under control. “Edith has been running that place in her sleep for years. I get that you’re scared. I’m scared, too. But you can’t hide from your future forever here, unless.” He stops, and looks down at my hands in his. “Unless you don’t want that future with me.”

I gulp. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?” Finn steps back, and gives me a ghost of a smile. “God, all this time I was so focused on winning you back, I didn’t even stop to think if you loved me too.”

“I do,” I swear. “Finn, I love you more than anything.”

“But not more than this town.”

“Why do I have to choose?” I exclaim, suddenly furious. Everything’s spinning out of control, and all I want is solid ground again, when I woke up in his arms and felt so safe and loved.

“I don’t know,” Finn says sadly. “But I can’t stay here. I have a million reasons why I have to leave.”

“And only one for you to stay,” I finish bitterly. “Now who’s the one who doesn’t want a future enough?”

“That’s not fair.” Finn looks so broken, I wish I could take it back.

“We’ll make new memories,” I try, taking his hands again. “We can make it better this time.”

He shakes his head. “No. Eva. I mean it. I could never be happy here. I could never forget the things he did. I’ve moved on with my life, but you don’t have any reason not to. What are you so scared of?” he demands. “Why won’t you just give your life another chance?”

We stand there a moment, not moving. I feel trapped, pulled in two different directions. My heart aches to be with him, but every time I try to picture that future he wants to build, I’m gripped with fear. Last time around, he broke my heart so thoroughly I thought I’d never pick up the pieces and feel it beat again. Now, I look ahead and I wonder: is that heartbreak waiting for me all over again?

Here, I have a safety net. When everything falls to pieces, I know how to pick myself up off the ground and carry on. But out there, in some new city where nobody knows my name…

I could fail all over again, and have nothing left in the end.

“So what happens now?” I ask, fearful.

He tilts my face up and kisses me in answer, slow and sweet, the kind of kiss I could lose myself in for hours. It warms me to my bones and makes me believe again that everything’s going to be okay. Then Finn steps back.

“I’m going to Nashville,” he says slowly. My heart stops. “You need time to think, and figure out what you want,” he continues. “Just say the word, and I’ll book you a ticket. I’ll buy the whole damn plane. But it has to be what you want.” His blue eyes search mine, like he’s looking for answers. “You have to decide what this is going to be.”

My heart twists. He’s leaving.

“I love you,” Finn says clearly. “I want a future for us. But I can’t do it here, living in the past.”

“Don’t go,” I whisper, and he clenches his jaw.

“I’m not leaving you, Eva. You’re the one who’s choosing to stay.”

He walks slowly down the hallway and takes his jacket from by the door. I’m frozen in place, watching him go all over again.

Finn pauses, turning back to me. “I’ll call you when I land,” he promises. “Remember, just say the word, and I’ll be there. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I whisper.

I could stop him. I could say anything at all. I could have the love I’ve been hoping for all these years. So why am I watching the door close behind him, and Finn McKay leave my life all over again?