Five.

 

I barely get a wink of sleep. For hours, all I can do is replay that kiss, every heart-stopping, soul-shaking, panty-twisting moment, until I’m tangled up in my sheets, so turned on and frustrated I could scream.

Did he plan this? To stroll back into my life and turn it upside down? But why, after all this time? He couldn’t know what he did to me last time around, how breaking my heart sent my whole world off-kilter, like losing your balance so badly every moment has you grasping for solid ground. I went down the rabbit hole without him – chasing anything that wiped my pain away until I almost lost myself entirely.

Now he’s back, a part of me is scared I’ll do it all over again.

Is he just toying with me for kicks, to prove he’s still got a hold over me? But why go through all this trouble to get under my skin when he has women lined up to occupy his time? He could walk into any bar in the country – the world! – and have a girl fall at his feet. Even before his rock star days, Finn never wanted for female attention. Those soulful eyes and teasing grin made sure of that. So why, out of all the dive bars in all the world, did he have to walk into mine?

The questions circle in my head until my poor, tired brain finally gives up the fight and falls into a restless sleep. I wake in the morning to pale light streaming through the drapes and a beautiful spring day outside my window. But inside, I’m still exhausted and confused.

And all I want is Finn, right here, tangling these sheets with me and pressing me into the mattress with every hard inch of his--

No, I tell myself sternly, leaping out of bed and forcing myself into the shower. Whatever games Finn is playing, I don’t have to join in. Just because he looks like a depraved angel and kisses like a god, I don’t have to turn into a simpering sixteen year old the minute he shows his face again.

Kissing isn’t the only thing he knows how to do…

I linger in the shower, letting my wandering hands soothe the ache of lust as I replay that kiss just one more time. The feel of his body, his hands sliding so possessive and right. I trace the path he touched, and then further still, delving deeper between my thighs until my body shudders with release, his face the only thing on my mind.

I finally shut off the water and dry myself, already guilty that I let him back into my mind. Maybe my friends have a point. If I’d been dating more, clearly I wouldn’t have all this pent up sexual energy ready to explode the first time anyone strikes a match.

Not just anyone. Finn.

But then, he always did have this hold on me – awakening a side to me I’d never known before. And that first night… I flush to even think of it now. How fast I tumbled into his arms, and how it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

It was New Year’s Eve of junior year, and I’d pretty much given up hope that he saw me as anything but a friend. All autumn, I’d been falling for him, counting down the minutes between our hallways conversations, or those precious moments when he drove me home. But every time we were together, he was nothing but a gentleman. He’d drop me off with a smile and a ‘see you around’. Meanwhile, I’d glimpse him sneaking out of school with senior girls, hear the murmurs of gossip about his latest hook-ups.

So when a girl from drama club invited me to this big New Year’s Eve party that the whole senior class was attending, I decided it was my one chance. I remember how I agonized over my outfit, even consulting Lottie and parading the different options around my room. I spent hours on my hair and makeup, trying to look like one of those cool girls Finn seemed to like, holding out a distant hope that I could make him see me differently. Not just some kid sister figure or charity case, but older and mature. I wince to think of it now, but at sixteen, it felt like the most important thing in the world. My parents loaned me the car for the night – with strict instructions not to drink and drive – and off I set, to the biggest night in my teenage life.

Except it didn’t work out as planned. Finn didn’t come. All night, I watched the door, my heart sinking as the hours ticked past. He didn’t show, and I felt like the biggest fool for even dreaming I could catch his eye. I snuck into one of the bathrooms and scrubbed my face clean of all that makeup, then left out the back door, driving aimlessly into the dark.

I didn’t see the deer that ran out into the midnight road – and neither did the car coming in the other direction. I managed to swerve just in time, but the other car wasn’t so lucky. It struck the deer with a sickening crunch, then drove right off the road and into a ditch. When I recovered from the shock and scrambled out to help, I found Hank McKay unconscious behind the steering wheel, stinking of beer and cheap cigarettes.

For some reason, I panicked and tried calling Finn. I got his voicemail, cursed my stupidity, and dialed 911 like I should have done the first time. The sheriff came and woke Hank. A tow-truck winched the car out of the ditch, and in the end I went home and straight to bed, feeling the failure of all my grand plans. My parents were still out at a neighborhood party, and Lottie was sleeping over at a friend’s place. I was alone in the house when I heard a rattle at the window. Somebody was throwing pebbles up from the yard below.

I swung the pane open, sleepy and confused, and there he was: bathed in moonlight, a Romeo in his leather jacket wearing an irresistible smile. Finn.

“You can’t sleep through New Year’s,” he called up to me. “C’mon. Come take a drive.”

I can still feel it, the possibility that shimmered in his beckoning invitation. Even if I’d known what was coming, and how that one decision would change the course of everything, I still don’t think I could have stayed away. He was inevitable. My temptation.

Half a perfect world that was mine, just for a little while.

 

I get dressed and drive over to the harbor for Saturday brunch, determined to get my life back to normal. Lottie and Dee are already stationed at our regular café on the pier, drinking Bloody Marys while Kit snoozes in his buggy.

“So, how was the hot date?” Lottie greets me eagerly. They’ve already ordered, thank God, and the table is full of pancakes and coffee.

I sit next to her and hungrily devour a crisp slice of bacon. “Sawyer didn’t show. He got caught up in an emergency.”

“I know all about that.” Lottie waves. “Dee filled me in. I’m talking about Finn McKay.”

“What?” My head whips around.

“The hottie hot-tot rock star,” Dee agrees, smirking. “I said you had dibs.”

For a terrible moment, I think she’s talking about the kiss, but then I realize, she just saw us together at the bar. “Oh, that’s nothing. We had a drink, caught up, then I headed home.”

Lottie arches an eyebrow. “That’s it? Damn, I thought you’d finally get some action.”

“Nope,” I say firmly, glad that sunglasses are hiding my eyes. “No action of any kind here. It’s an action-free zone.”

Outside my shower, that is.

Lottie perks up again. “Well, there’s still the vet. Marilyn Peterson heard from Debbie Hess that he has very steady hands.”

I snort. “And how does that figure?”

“That’s for you to find out,” Lottie winks, and I laugh, finally relaxing.

We dig in, catching up on Delilah’s potential new client and Kit’s big new passion for a duckie toy, and the rest of the thrilling gossip from our small town. The sun is bright over the water, and the boats bob gently nearby, crisp white against the waves. Surrounded by laughter and gossip, my tension lifts. I’m glad to be far away from dark, romantic streets and men I shouldn’t be kissing.

“So, any more thoughts about your birthday?” I ask my sister, when finally there are nothing but empty plates and full stomachs. She’s turning twenty next week, and I want to plan something special for her.

“I don’t care.” Lottie grins. “As long as there’s a babysitter and booze.”

Delilah fakes shock. “You mean drinking underage? Scandalous.”

Lottie snorts. She’s got Kit in her arms, bouncing him gently as he watches the gulls circle overhead. “Sure, because I can raise a kid, but one sip of champagne is just way too adult for me.”

“Champagne, huh?” I whistle. “Expensive tastes. I was thinking more beer and barbeque.”

Lottie smiles. “Really, anything is good. I just want to be able to dress up, stay out late, and pretend like I’m a normal twenty year old for one night.”

“Normal is overrated.” Delilah yawns. “I barely even remember my twentieth. I think I got hammered on tequila and went back to the dorms with some basketball player?” She squints, like she’s trying to peer through the haze of time. Dee brightens. “Chris! No, wait, Clive?” She shrugs and takes another sip of her Bloody Mary. “Anyway, it wasn’t exactly epic.”

“We can do better for you,” I reassure Lottie. “I’ve got the babysitter all lined up. It’ll be a great night.”

“I don’t know.” She looks hesitant. “Your idea of a great night is staying in watching old episodes of Friends. Can Dee help you plan something? Not that I don’t appreciate it,” she adds, reaching out to squeeze my hand. “But you’re not exactly the party girl around here.”

I try not to feel hurt. She doesn’t know a thing about my wild partying days. Ever since coming back to town, I’ve made it my mission to live a quiet life as possible. “Sure. Whatever you want. Dee?”

“I’m on it.” Dee yawns. “Just one question: would you rather wake up in Charlotte with a strange tattoo, or Albuquerque with a minor rodeo star?”

Lottie laughs. “As long as I don’t wake up with barf of my shirt and a guy wailing in the crib, I don’t care.”

“I can’t promise that.” Delilah grins.

We finish up, and once we’ve paid the check, Lottie happily passes all Kit’s diaper bags and toys over to me. I take him every Saturday while she works a shift at the salon, and I always love the time we spend together. “What’s the plan, Stan?” she rhymes, kissing him goodbye.

“I was thinking a walk along the boardwalk, then maybe go visit the ducks and stop by the library.”

“Go crazy.” She settles him in the stroller. “I’ve got a couple of clients this afternoon, but I should be done at the salon around four.”

“See you then.” I hug Dee goodbye, and set off along the boardwalk, pushing the stroller while Kit yawns and waves his pudgy little arms at the gulls perching on the fence.

My mind wanders back to Lottie’s comment. It’s ironic, her saying I don’t know how to party. She has no idea what I got up to in New York. Nobody does, not even Delilah. I kept those years under lock and key, hiding my wild nights and reckless days from everyone, even my parents. My own secret. Because the truth is, the things I did would shock them all: a blur of alcohol and pills, and nameless, faceless men. Looking back now, it feels like a stranger’s life to me.

I don’t know how it spiraled out of control, but it did. It happened so fast it made my head spin. After the heartbreak of senior year, I set off for drama school determined to leave my past behind and prove I could survive without Finn. I could start my life fresh where nobody knew my name or the ache that still lingered. I remember taking that first cab ride over the Brooklyn Bridge and vowing that things would be different this time.

I’d do whatever the hell I wanted, and not let anyone hurt me like that again.

So I was. I threw myself into everything the city had to offer, and it turned out that my roommate, Gracie, was only too happy to take me along for the ride. She was a city girl, equipped with scarlet lipstick, sarcastic smiles, and all the insider information. Like which doormen looked the other way at the downtown clubs, and how to flirt your way to a free hit of molly at the Brooklyn raves that pounded into the night. With her, the party never stopped. Every night was a different club, every morning waking up to a killer hangover in some stranger’s bed. It soon blurred together, metallic as the day-old soda I would use as mouthwash before stumbling into morning class. Months slipped by while I barely kept my grades above water. All the while, my heartbreak didn’t seem to mend. It was still there once the high wore off, reminding me of everything I lost.

Everything I was supposed to be.

Rock bottom didn’t hit all at once. It crept up on me slowly, a series of long, empty weeks with something itching under my skin. Call it my conscience, maybe, or just the realization that I wasn’t fixing anything like this, but I wanted so badly to be numb that I pushed the voice aside and partied harder. I stopped going to auditions, stopped showing for workshops, just spent hours wandering the city, feeling like there was a sheet of glass between me and the world. There was something broken inside me, something I couldn’t shake, so I tried to drown it instead. I turned off the part of me that was hurting and insecure, and buried those feelings so deeply beneath tequila and sweet little pills that they would never come up for air.

And then I woke up in a strange apartment one morning, next to a man I didn’t even recognize. I didn’t remember meeting him, couldn’t even recall what party I’d been at the night before. It was all a blur to me – a sick whirl of empty faces and names I’d rather forget. I crept out of bed, desperately snatching my clothes from the bedroom floor to sneak out, and that’s when the door opened. Another half-naked guy came strolling in.

‘Where you going, sugar?’ he’d sneered, scratching at his pot-belly. ‘We were just getting started.’

That moment lasted an infinity, between when his words sank in – turning my blood to ice in my veins - and when he finally snorted with laughter. ‘Just kidding,’ he’d winked. ‘Maybe next time.’

I didn’t know if he was lying. I didn’t know anything for sure anymore. I could have fucked them both, or I could have been passed out all night, untouched in bed. I didn’t know the difference, and that scared me more than anything had or will again.

In that instant, I knew it was over. It had to be. Finn had taken my heart with him when he left, but this mess? It was all on me.

I was out of control, and if I didn’t find a way back, I would pay the price.

So when Lottie broke the news she was pregnant, and we all scrambled to figure out how to support her, I leapt at the chance like the lifeline it was, using it as an excuse to get off that one-way road to nowhere and come back to the person I wanted to be. I left that spinning, desperate girl in another city, and shed that skin like it had never existed at all.

And I’m glad I came back. I wouldn’t have missed this time with Kit for the world, and I know it’s been a huge help to Lottie having a babysitter on call to take him off her hands, even if it’s only for a few hours. Still, there’s a part of me that wonders. If I’d taken a different path, would I be back in the city right now, making a life as an actress, going on auditions and winning those great, career-making roles? Did I let my heartbreak and stupid self-destruction steer me so far off-course that there’s no getting back to who I wanted to be?

I push away the thought and look around. Oak Harbor isn’t exactly a consolation prize. It’s a beautiful part of the world with a real sense of community. If I was in the city, I’d be fighting my way through a crowded sidewalk, but here the air is crisp and clear, tangy with salt, and the bay curves lazily against the blue of the ocean.

This is the life I picked, I tell myself. This is where I’m supposed to be.

I keep strolling, but suddenly a brave gull flies too close. It settles on the rim of the stroller and peers inside. Kit lets out a startled cry. “Shoo!” I try to scare it away, but it’s too late. By the time the bird moves on, Kit is wailing so loud, I swear they could hear us all the way across town. He used to be such a placid guy, but these days he’s getting a head start on his terrible twos. “It’s OK, big guy,” I lift him out and bounce him gently. “See? All gone. It’s just you and me, kiddo.” I keep soothing him. Kit keeps crying. His face is screwed up and red, and he’s bawling for dear life. I try distracting him with a bottle, his favorite toy, anything I can to make him stop. But the boy just keeps screaming. I’m at my wit’s end when I see someone come towards me, jogging on the sandy asphalt. I cringe, hoping it’s not one of the perfect local moms to give me a disapproving glare, but as the figure gets closer, I realize it’s Finn.

Shirtless. In grey track pants – and nothing else.

My stomach flips over, but I don’t have time to steel myself – or quiet Kit - before he sees me. Finn slows, and comes to a stop alongside. “Good morning, sunshine.”

I’m tongue-tied. All I can remember is the feel of his hands on me. Not distant memories, safely in the past, but just a few hours ago. I stare at him, my head spinning. God, why does he look so good? When I exercise, I’m red-faced and panting, but Finn is barely out of breath. Sweat gleams off his muscular torso. I felt those muscles as he held me tightly against his chest, but without the thin layer of cotton draped over him, his body is something else.

Sweaty. Gleaming. Taut.

A drop of sweat drips down the valley of his abs.

“And who’s this?” Finn doesn’t seem to notice my brain-freeze. “That’s an awfully big noise for such a little guy.”

“Oh.” I pull it together. “Sorry, this is Kit. He had a run-in with a gull, and took it pretty bad.”

Finn chuckles, but then I see him look to the toddler in my arms and back at me. He furrows his brow. “How old is he?” he asks carefully.

“Almost two.” I keep bouncing Kit.

“And his dad?”

“Not in the picture anymore.”

“I guess I’ve been out of the loop a while.” Finn clears his throat, looking seriously uncomfortable. I could put him out of his misery and clear this up right now, but I have to admit, it’s pretty fun watching him squirm.

“A lot’s happened since you left.” I say pleasantly. Kit’s wailing goes up another level, and I turn back to him. “Shh, it’s OK.”

“Let me.” Before I can protest, Finn lifts Kit out of my arms, and expertly places him against his shoulder, bouncing gently on the spot. To my amazement, Kit calms.

“How did you…?”

“My tour manager had a newborn, so the whole family came on the road with us,” Finn explains. He keeps bouncing Kit. “It was ten guys and a little lady. We all learned how to change a diaper pretty fast.”

“They should make a movie,” I say faintly. I look at them – Finn, with a baby in his arms – and the loss hits me so hard, I can barely breathe.

The things I never told him. The things nobody knows.

Finn doesn’t notice my reaction. After another few moments bouncing, he sets Kit back in the stroller, now content and calm.

“He’s got your nose,” Finn remarks, studying Kit.

“It’s Lottie’s nose too,” I say, recovering. “She’s his mom, after all.”

He blinks. Realization dawns. “Oh. Oh, okay. Good. I mean, that he takes after her. It’s a good nose.” He clears his throat, awkward. Is it me, or does he look relieved?

I shouldn’t care. I don’t care.

“About last night,” I say, needing to make things clear. “It shouldn’t have happened.”

Finn’s gaze travels lazily up to meet mine. He arches an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

I flush. “We got carried away with… nostalgia. Old time’s sake. But it was wrong, and it won’t happen again.”

One kiss was bad enough. If it happens again, I know there’s no way in hell we won’t wind up in bed. Or a backseat. Or anyplace I can get my hands on him. So I cross my arms firmly and try to stare him down, but Finn just gives me that bourbon smile – dangerously sweet and intoxicating. “Are you afraid I’ll do it again?” he asks.

My heart lurches just thinking about another kiss.

“Or…” he muses, stepping closer. “Are you afraid you’ll like it?”

I can feel it again, the heat rising, burning at the edges of all my good sense and determination. I want to argue, to tell him to stay away from me, but deep down, I know he’s right.

I would like it. Too much.

Finn smiles, as if he can tell how he’s affecting me, but just before he can prove himself right, his cell phone rings. It breaks through the moment with its loud, insistent ring.

Finn laughs. “Saved by the bell, sweetheart,” he says, stepping back. I don’t need another invitation. I steer the stroller around and head quickly back towards town, leaving Finn there on the boardwalk all alone.