I stand in the shower, with the rest of the team long gone. I was the first one here in the morning, and I’m the last one to leave.

So I was right. Those suspicions that had haunted me, that had just appeared, like specters, like ghosts… I was right all alone. Scout is my daughter, the result of that one night tryst that Chloe and I spent together six years ago.

I don’t know how I didn’t realize it before. I don’t know how I didn’t see it. It’s so painfully obvious now. Scout even looks like me, well, and Chloe too. She has my eyes and my hair, and her face is quite similar to mine, in its own way.

So was this the reason that Chloe didn’t want to contact me? What, she didn’t think I’d be a good father? She thought I was too irresponsible, or that she didn’t want to be stuck with a football player for a husband or boyfriend?

What was so wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this?

Moreover, what kind of woman hides the pregnancy from the man, from the father? Sure, she can do what she wants. I’m glad she had Scout, but shouldn’t she have told me?

If I only had known…

If I had only known, I could have been there for Scout. I could have been there to help. Chloe must have known that I would have changed my whole life in order to help her, in order to help raise Scout. Even if Chloe didn’t want to be with me, I could have been there for Scout, and for Chloe, as a dad, as a solid rock, as a figure just to help with the simple things.

I would have loved to be there for Scout. A pang in my heart tells me I missed a lot. I missed her birth, and all those years when she was growing up.

But she’s still growing up, I remind myself. She’s still a child. She stills needs me. And I can be there for her.

I promise myself right now, sitting in the locker room, fully dressed now in my regular street clothes, just some causal jeans and a sweatshirt, with my jacket around me… I promise myself that whatever happens between Chloe and me, I’m going to be there for Scout. I want to be a real dad, a positive force in her life.

I just don’t understand why Chloe didn’t want me to be a dad. Apparently now that we’ve been hooking up romantically, the guilt is too much for her, and she wanted to tell me, just go get it off her chest.

But I wasn’t good enough for her as a dad before, why would I be now?

I don’t know whether she wants to be with me, and I don’t know… can I be with her after what she did to me? I don’t know how I can deal with this pain.

Sure, it’s good to know now, but the years missed with Scout, and possibly Chloe… it feels like someone has torn a hole in my soul, like someone ripped out my organs and threw them into the dumpster where they were trampled on savagely by who only knows.

I feel numb now, the pain so strong that I can’t even feel it any more. I don’t understand… I don’t understand how she could do this to me.

If she wants to be with me, will I even be able to recover from this blow, will I even be able to… respond to her desires, her love?

The whole world feels like it’s ended for me. I feel like I’m at the very end of my rope. Everything around me looks dull and grey, and my body feels heavy and tired, impossibly exhausted, pushed past my last reserves.

The football game from an hour ago is just a distant memory. We won, and I scored the winning touchdown, but if I was in a haze then, confused, I’m beyond confusion now. Everything seems dull and terrible, intense, heavy, depressing, and overwhelming past all hope.

I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if Chloe and Scout are going to be back at the house.

I don’t know what Chloe’s going to say to me. I know she’s going to offer up an explanation, but I just don’t know whether she’s going to say she wants to continue the relationship with me, whether she wants to raise Scout with me, with me as the father and her as the mother.

What I do know is that I don’t want to confront her right now.

That’s why I split. That’s why I couldn’t face her. It would simply be too much of a blow for me right now if she didn’t want me…

The phone rings. Of course it’s Chloe.

I stare at the phone for five rings, which seem to last for hours and hours. My mind is racing with each ring.

Should I pick it up?

My thoughts are a nightmarish combination of all sorts of terrible possibilities, awful repercussions should I pick up the phone.

But I’m going to have to talk to her sooner or later. I have to. There’s no way around it. Especially not if I’m going to be Scout’s dad. Even if Chloe doesn’t want to be with me, I’ll have to coordinate visitation with her and things like that.

I might as well pick up the phone, but my hand and arm feel heavy like they’ve never felt before. My body is tired, exhausted from the emotional strain.

I finally swipe right, answering the phone.

I don’t speak, though.

“Dan, Dan, are you there?” It’s Chloe’s voice, sounding sweet and innocent, but she might as well be a thousand miles away from me right now.

I don’t speak for what feels like a full minute, but I don’t know how much time is passing.

“Hi,” I finally say.

“Dan, listen, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to tell you like that. But I just had to. I just had to blurt it out. I didn’t know how to tell you. I just want you to know that I really care about you and I want… Well, I want to be in a relationship with you if you’ll only have me. If you can only forgive me for what I did.”

“Are you back at the house already?” I say. “I want to see you.”

“No, Scout and I are still here at the stadium.”

“Where are you?” I say.

She tells me she’s right outside, and I run out of the locker room in my street clothes, leaving my locker open and unlocked, with my duffel bag lying out.

I rush through the crowd of people but I don’t see her anywhere. I turn around frantically, trying to find her, trying to spot her and Scout.