I couldn’t find the words in my head to answer James, so I just kissed him back over and over again. I let him hold me up. I let his hands speak to me. I let his body press against mine. I let him bring goosebumps to the surface of my skin and make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I needed to feel him kiss my neck the way that he was, I needed to clutch his face and his shoulders. I needed to wrap my arms around his neck and hitch my legs onto his hip. I needed to let him carry me to my bedroom and lower me onto my bed.

When I finally opened my eyes again, I saw him staring down at me on my bed like I was the only thing in the world. Even though I knew that there was no going back on my decision, no undoing what had already been done, I allowed myself to sit in this fantasy for just a little while longer. I allowed myself this little pleasure.

He gently lifted my shirt over my head, my bun loosening to the nape of my neck in the process. I sat up, exposed to him in that moment, my warm naked body calling for his; my nipples hard, my clitoris engorged. I wanted him more than anything I had before, more than that studio idea and even more than this job in New York.

In a thrust of a mind filling, heart-stopping desire, I could think of nothing but having him. We shared hungry kiss after hungry kiss as I unbuckled his belt, and got his pants off of him. He pressed me down onto the bedspread, my old sheets caressing my back as he slipped my shorts off and then my panties. My legs flayed apart and I gazed up at him. At his hard rugged body and his cock hanging between his legs. I needed him inside me. I wanted him to fill me up. To rub every sensitive spot on my body that needed to be caressed.

He climbed in between my legs and I stretched them wider and wider apart. I put a hand on his cheek, giving him a softer more tender kiss, then I gasped as he sucked on my neck, as his hands massaged my breasts, gripped my ass, taking hold of every part of me, inside and out.

When he entered me, pangs of pleasure shot up my spine, I stretched my neck and arched my back. That sharp pain from the first time wasn’t there. It was like James belonged inside me, like his cock was meant to be here within me, reaching the deepest parts of me.

There was only the ecstasy of my body wrapping around his, of his breaths, his grunt mixing in with my moans and gasps. God it was so him. That skin on his body, the heat of his breath, the softness of his hair. In this short time, it had all become true, real, mine.

My eyes burned again, all of the thoughts coming back as I became aware of all the hurt I felt. The hot tears flowed down my cheeks, my body overwhelmed with the pleasure of him, the happiness that he made me feel and the undeniable fact that it was now all over. He thrust into me, deeper and deeper and just like that, I was filled with him. His cock stretched me, pleasured me and while he pounded me, he used his thumb to rub my clitoris.

I clutched his waist, my fingernails digging into his skin as I came. I was moaning, still crying and murmuring his name. He pressed his forehead against mine when he climaxed too, collapsing onto me, sighing. I could feel his cum inside me, I was filled with the essence of him and there was nothing we could do to change that.

“James,” I breathed. I had to tell him the truth, the whole truth, before I went away to New York.

“Yes?” He fell in the space next to me on my bed.

I turned on my side so that I could get a good look at him, there, naked, vulnerable and real with me. “I love you.”

He sighed, a smile playing at his lips.

But I wasn’t finished. “But I don’t see a way for us.”

“Why?” He placed his hand on my cheek, the familiar touch making me melt.

“You chose to fight for your career over me. You did it whole-heartedly, without even a second thought. I just… I don’t see how I could ever trust you, if you won’t fight for me. I just can’t bring myself to give this up, to give myself up, my dream… if I, we… if we will never be more important to you than the title behind your name.”

I could see his heart breaking behind those red-rimmed eyes. I turned onto my back, just so that I could get through this moment, so that I could go through with my decision, the right one. “I love you, but this was just the beginning. There would have been more struggles, a family… kids maybe.” It hurt to think about all the hopes I had kept locked safely in the back of my head, all those things I never wanted to admit to myself that I truly felt. “But if I can’t trust you with just me, we’ll never make it.”

We laid there for a little while longer, but the alarm I had set on my phone went off, the sharp sound cutting through the thick air I shared with him. It was the twenty-minute mark. I stood up, plucking my things off of the floor. I stripped the sheets and shoved them into the closest trash bag. Neil had graciously agreed to help oversee the move out of the house and the shipping of all the stuff I wanted to keep, but I didn’t want to make this any harder on him than it already was.

Moments later, I was standing in my front hallway. James hadn’t said anything, he hadn’t offered any explanation for his actions and neither was he trying to stop me from going anymore.

My bags filled my closest belongings gathered around me. James had stood silently, watching. He didn’t want to go and I wasn’t going to force him to. I guess, in a way, neither one of us wanted to let go of those precious last few moments. But then I heard a car honking. It was Neil, who had come to drive me to the airport.

My time had run out.

I opened my door so James could step out first and then closed it behind me, locking it. I shot Neil a wave, but he let the engine run idle. He was trying to give me as much time as possible.

“I could never ask you to stay.”

My heart was breaking. “I wouldn’t.”

He took my hand in his. “You deserve everything you’ve worked for.”

I placed it on his cheek. “You too.”

With that, I walked away, without looking back at him because I knew that would make me break down again. I needed to rip James off my body like an old band-aid. I got in the car with my brother and didn’t even wave at James, who was still standing outside my locked door.

Neil didn’t speak until we were already five minutes down the road. “Ugh… Nance…”

I peeled my eyes away from my window and stared at him. His brow was furrowed, his mouth folded into a frown. “Spit it out, Neil.”

“I just gotta know what happened with James. I can’t not ask you.”

I huffed, crossing my arms and resting my foot on the dash. “I mean, you were right. Is that what you want to hear? He’s focused on his future. So, I should be focused on mine too. That’s what’s really important… isn’t it?”

“I dunno… You were right too. He’s changed a lot. I saw you together just now. It’s no secret you are both about to do something unnatural.”

“And what’s that?”

“Separate.”

I couldn’t speak for the rest of my ride to LAX. I was fighting my heart, that visceral feeling of loss in my gut. It was normal to regret my decision now that I was at the point of no return, right? Neil and I said our goodbyes, trying our best not to make eye contact. I didn’t want to think about the fact that I was leaving him behind when I only just got him back from London. I decided to occupy my mind with the mundane routine of checking in, getting to my terminal, getting on my plane. I avoided my phone, a book clutched close as I settled into my seat.

The airport was, ironically enough, running extremely on time that day, and before I knew it, we were on the runway. The pilot made the usual remarks and then proceeded to drag us across the runway at high speed. My head was pressed against the back of the seat, my heart thudding, my hands clutching the hand rests, my eyes squeezed shut.

I could only see James behind them.

By the time we were in the air, I couldn’t shake the thought that I had just thrown away the love of a lifetime.