Michelle
What a day it was, the first full day I spent with Eric. A nightmare, more like.
I texted Mackenzie from the car on the way back to his house, telling her I wouldn’t be home the next day and that I would explain it all later. She told me not to worry about it, that she and Mom were having a good time and that Mom was in good spirits. Maybe she needs a break from me, I thought, and I felt guilty. Did she think I was smothering her? Was that what I was doing? I only cared about her. She was the center of my world.
Still, I couldn’t help admitting that it would be nice to have a night when I didn’t have to worry about getting up in the middle of it to give Mom her pills, or make sure she had everything she needed. After so many months of taking care of her, it was almost a treat to sleep through the night.
I stubbornly insisted on sleeping in my clothes when we went to bed, and I regretted it when I woke up time and again with the dress all bunched up around me. I kept having to adjust myself, struggling to get comfortable. So much for sleeping through the night, I thought bitterly. But I would rather have woken up every ten minutes to fix my dress than take it off. Pride went before the fall.
Eric kept to his side of the bed and appeared to be sleeping soundly. I wanted to hit him with a pillow to wake him. The bastard. He thought he could play with me and still have a good night’s sleep? The bastard.
That was when I decided early to make his life as miserable as possible. He wasn’t going to get off easy, holding me the way he was, dangling the money in front of my face like I was someone he could play with. He wouldn’t get away with it, I vowed. He’d wish before long that he’d given me the money and sent me home.
So I raised a big fuss, complaining about how nasty his house was. I wasn’t lying. I had intended to go around picking up, reminding him what a mess he was and how disgusted I was by him. Only I couldn’t, because there were no trash bags and no cleaning supplies. He was a mystery to me. Who didn’t have cleaning supplies in their house?
At least going out gave me the chance to buy clothes to wear around the house, but I wasn’t exactly keen on being seen with him. Especially since he insisted on wearing the vest with his club’s patch on the back. Everybody in town knew who the Lightning Bolts were thanks to their less-than-stellar reputation. I walked into a trap of my own making when I walked into the store with him, but it was my own fault. I couldn’t possibly live in a dress and heels another minute more.
I was sure I’d never had such an uncomfortable shopping experience as I did when we were together that morning. I felt like a hooker, or a biker chick, and I looked like one with the outfit I was wearing. It didn’t help that Eric insisted on being solicitous and affectionate with me throughout the trip.
“Can you please keep your hands off me?” I hissed, pushing him away when nobody was watching.
“My hands aren’t on you. I had my arm around your waist,” he corrected. His face was solemn, but I saw light and laughter behind his eyes. I wanted to claw them out. He thought it was so much fun making a fool out of me.
“Fine. Keep your arm off me. All right? Just because you bought a night with me doesn’t mean you get to treat me as your property.”
“Actually, I think that’s exactly what it means.” He smirked.
“You’re wrong. It means you got me into bed. That’s all. You don’t get to act like my boyfriend.” I walked away, heading for the cleaning products several aisles down.
“Who said anything about a boyfriend?” he called out. My skin burned with embarrassment, and all I could do as I scampered into an aisle to hide was be grateful we weren’t in my usual store. I didn’t think I knew anybody there. Still, I could have killed him just the same for humiliating me. I didn’t think thirty grand was worth the humiliation, even if it meant taking care of Mom.
###
It only occurred to me around halfway through the process of cleaning his house that I was cleaning his house. I had started it as a way to shame him, but he didn’t seem to care. He didn’t have any shame at all. I couldn’t stop halfway through—I didn’t want him to think I gave up so easily. It was a battle of wills, and I intended to win. So I held back the gagging that ensued when I opened his refrigerator and saw some of the things that were growing in there, threw everything out and moved on.
He didn’t even care when I walked into the living room after showering and found him stroking his dick. Sure, his fly was zipped, but he was still getting himself off. And I had a feeling I knew what he was thinking about. The pig.
Being in bed with him was a challenge. I stayed very still and breathed evenly, slowly. I needed him to think I was asleep. Even so, I was too keyed up to actually sleep. I wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t try something with me in the middle of the night, even though he said he wouldn’t. I couldn’t trust him.
It seemed like the two of us were waiting each other out, and it felt ridiculous. We had gotten along so well in bed before, the first time, when we…did what we did. My cheeks burned with shame at the memory of how far we’d gone. And we’d talked, and it felt good to talk. It felt good to be with him—then, at least. One day later and we slept on opposites sides of the bed, with me practically hanging off just to stay away from him.
What went wrong? I knew what it was. I could lie to myself during the day and pretend it wasn’t my fault, but it wasn’t so easy to lie to oneself at night. In the dark, counting the length of my breaths to keep them even, I couldn’t help but blame myself for the way things unraveled.
I’d felt spooked. We were getting too close. It was better to be separate. If he would be a human being and give me my money, things would be a lot easier. Instead, I had to put up walls between us. I couldn’t risk that intimacy growing again. It was dangerous. It could complicate my life, and my life was more than complicated enough without a motorcycle gang member—president, rather—messing things up.
Still, it had felt nice to be held. I’d never had a man hold me like that before. Sure, boyfriends hugged me. We would cuddle on the couch and watch movies. But that was where it ended. I hadn’t even had a boyfriend in years, not since college. Back then, I wasn’t interested in having sex with anyone who wasn’t willing to commit to me—and in college, commitment wasn’t exactly high on the list of anybody’s priorities. I understood why I was alone, and I accepted it.
The older I got, though, the less likely it looked that I’d ever find somebody. I knew I was young. Twenty-six wasn’t exactly the beginning of the end. But at my age, most women were already on their second or third major relationship. I even knew a few girls from school who were married. One even had kids. They all got started long before I did. I felt like I would never catch up.
When Eric held me in his arms, it felt right. Like I was normal. There wasn’t something monstrously wrong with me just because I stayed a virgin until my mid-twenties. I understood what it was all about, why people slept together in the first place. It wasn’t the sex, and it wasn’t the sleeping. It was the feeling connected to another person. I wouldn’t have been able to have that feeling with just anyone. It surprised me that of all people, Eric was the one to give it to me. If anything, I would have imagined him to be the love ’em and leave ’em type. Only he wouldn’t love ’em as much as he would fuck ’em and forget their name.
I wished he would hold me again, and I hated myself for wishing it. I couldn’t help myself. I’d burned my bridge, and it hurt to realize that. He wouldn’t hold me again. I didn’t know who would.
I must have sighed or something. He stirred beside me. “You okay?”
I considered pretending that I’d sighed in my sleep, but it seemed silly. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks.” I closed my eyes and decided to go to sleep for real.
“Aren’t you uncomfortable all the way on the edge of the bed? I’m not going to touch you,” he said.
“I know you say that, but just the same, I want to be sure.” I kept my voice hard and cold. My damned pride was getting in the way. I hated myself for that, too.
“You know…the only reason I got as nasty as I did last night was because you got ready to run out so fast. That was all. I just thought you should know that.”
I didn’t speak for a long time. He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know, but it meant a lot to hear it just the same.
“I’m sorry I did that. This is all new to me, you know?”
“How do you think I felt? That was the first time I ever talked with a woman after we had sex.”
That got my attention. I decided to take a chance, and rolled over to face him. I was still far away, though. “Really?”
“Yeah. The women I usually sleep with…they’re not what you’d call big on conversation. Know what I mean?”
“Huh. That’s interesting.”
“Interesting?”
“I mean, it was sort of a first-time thing for both of us. I didn’t think about it that way.”
“When you got up like you did, I took it personally. I’m sorry I did. I shouldn’t have been such an asshole.”
“I get it.” I sighed and stretched. “I was an asshole, too.” We were quiet for a long time. He was on his back, in nothing but a pair of shorts. I bit my lip, knowing the darkness hid the look on my face. He was beautiful, and my fingers ached for the chance to touch him. All it would take was reaching out for him. He wouldn’t reject me, or else why would I still be with him? Just one little move and he could be all mine.
I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“You spent a whole day away from your club. Don’t they wonder where you are?”
“One of the perks of being president. You get to do what you want, and you don’t have to answer to anybody.”
“I see. What do you actually do, in your club?”
“Do you really wanna know?” I heard a smile in his voice.
“You tell me.”
“Probably not.” He chuckled. “No, it’s really not that big a deal. The club started as a way for guys to get together and ride their bikes and live outside society, if you know what I mean. A lot of that shit started back in the sixties. That’s when our club formed. Vietnam vets, those guys couldn’t…what’s the word? They couldn’t blend back in.”
“Assimilate?”
“Yeah, that’s it. They couldn’t do that. So they kinda formed their own thing. Our original members were all vets. They wanted something different out of life because following the rules and giving it all for their country and all that happy horseshit, well, it didn’t do much for them.”
I never knew that. It made sense the way he told it. A bunch of angry, messed up guys who didn’t see the point in following the rules anymore. They created their own society, made their own rules.
“So why did you join? I mean, you’re not a vet. Or are you? Am I making assumptions?”
“No, you’re not. I joined because I didn’t see any other way to live life. I love bikes, I love the guys in the club. They’re my brothers. We work together, we do our thing, we have a good time and we party hard. More than that, they have my back. They took care of me when I was away.”
I stiffened. I wasn’t sure if I should ask about it or not, but the curiosity was nearly killing me.
“You wanna know what I did, don’t you?”
I was so surprised, I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yes. Okay? I do.”
“You won’t like it.”
My heart sank. Why did it matter? Why did I care what he did? I didn’t like him or anything.
“You can tell me if you want to. If not, it’s okay. It’s none of my business.”
“I don’t mind.” He took a deep breath, which made me wonder if he was telling the truth. “I killed someone.”
I took a deep breath of my own. I felt very cold all of a sudden, and pulled the blanket tighter around myself.
“He busted into my clubhouse and tried to take me out. He thought he got me, too, and he turned the gun on the man who used to be president before me.”
“Did he kill him?” I realized I was holding my breath in anticipation. I couldn’t imagine living life like that.
“No. I got him before he could fire.”
“Holy shit,” I whispered.
“Tell me about it.” His voice was flat and grim.
“How long were you in prison?”
“Seven years.”
“Oh my God.”
“That’s nothing compared to what some guys get for what I did.”
“But it was self-defense!” I argued. I could have laughed at myself for caring as much as I did, but I did care. It didn’t seem fair for a person to serve time when all they did was defend themselves.
“You know that, and I know that. But I had some other black marks against my name, too. Long story short, I served way less than I could have.”
“Do you ever think about the man you killed?”
He went silent for a moment before answering. “I don’t even remember his name.” He didn’t sound uncaring, though. He sounded lost. He was a lost person. My heart went out to him again, like it did when he told me about his miserable first time with a woman. He put on a good show—Mr. Hard Ass. Inside, he was something else.
There I was again, asking questions about him. Being nosy. But I couldn’t help wanting to know more about him. He fascinated me, just as much as he pissed me off. He wasn’t all bad. He probably had a messed up life before joining the club, but I didn’t dare ask him about it. It wouldn’t be right.
“You don’t have to be afraid of me,” he said. His voice was very quiet, and a little sad.
“I’m not afraid of you.”
“No, but you don’t trust me.”
“Because you won’t hold up your end of the agreement we made. How can I trust a person who won’t follow through with their promises?”
“We didn’t exactly sign a contract,” he said. “There were no terms. I didn’t agree to give you the money after the first time, or the second time, or even the tenth time. You should have gotten it in writing.”
My heart hardened. “Just when I start thinking you’re a decent person, you prove me wrong. Is it exhausting being a bastard all the time?”
“Yeah, totally. That’s why I’m going to sleep now.” He rolled onto his side, away from me, and settled in. All I could see was his broad back. I wanted to stab him in it.
Instead, I rolled away again and closed my eyes. It didn’t take long to fall asleep. When I did, I dreamed of little boys on big motorcycles. That was all he was. He never grew up.