Ellie

 

It had been three weeks. Three long, miserable weeks.

 

As promised, Jack had moved out the very next day. I didn’t know where he was staying; I didn’t ask, and he didn’t tell me.

 

He came over every few days, wanting to spend time with Peter. He always called beforehand, to make sure we were home, and I think to give me warning. When he came, I left. I’d go grocery shopping, or to the library, or to a park—anywhere, so as not to be in his way.

 

He’d told me I didn’t need to clear out, but for my own sanity, I really did. I couldn’t be around him without regretting my decision, without showing him how much I craved his company, his presence, his body, his attention.

 

I knew this whole thing was on me, but in the long run, I also thought he would thank me for it. Our marriage was not real—it had never been real, it never could be real, right? We had married out of financial necessity, for Peter. That was the whole point of the arrangement, to make it easier for us to end it once the money came in.

 

He didn’t love me, and I didn’t love him.

 

Except…I was beginning to think that I did love him. That I had grown to love him. And that killed me, because I was also the one who had pushed him away.

 

Jack was so good to us. He was amazing with Peter. Throughout and after the kidnapping and Chiricahua crisis, he was nothing but generous and supportive, totally engaged, and totally dedicated to fixing it. And I knew, deep in my heart, that he absolutely did love my son—that was easy to see.

 

In the short time that we had lived all together, Jack had learned how to do the daily stuff—how to warm up a bottle, how to burp Peter and change his diapers, how to hold him, engage his interest, and shower him with love, just like any other daddy—just as I imagined Keith would have done.

 

Jack was daddy material, through and through—which probably would have shocked the heck out of him, had anyone suggested such a thing, even just a month or two ago.

 

Beyond that, Jack was good to me. Even after I told him I needed him to go.

 

He continued to check on me regularly, to see if I needed anything. He brought gifts to the house for me almost every time he came over. Baby stuff, or bath products for me, or take-out so I didn’t have to cook. He never came over empty-handed.

 

He kept on fixing up the house and cleaning up spaces that had previously been piled with man-junk. The guy was constantly making improvements so that I would be more comfortable.

 

I had thought, three weeks ago, that I would do much better without Jack in my life, distracting me. But the truth was becoming clear now: not having Jack more in my life was distracting me, and I didn’t like it at all.

 

I couldn’t stop thinking about him, missing him. I missed his voice, his laugh, his phenomenal scent. I missed his body, his size, his strength. I missed his eyes, his arms, his presence. I just missed him.

 

I’d gone and fallen in love with the guy. Brilliant. Just what I had promised myself I would not do.

 

Was there any chance…any hope…that—just maybe—Jack might have it in him to come to love me, too?

 

Could we make this work?

 

I didn’t know if he’d even want me, now that I had pushed him away so hard. But I was starting to think that I owed it to myself, and to Peter, to lay it on the line.

 

I had no idea what Jack thought or felt about me at this point. Sure, he’d been super generous and nice, doing all these great things for me in the past three weeks—scratch that. Jack had been doing great things for me since the very first day I met him.

 

He came off like a big tough badass biker dude—and yeah, he was that, for sure. But he was also supremely generous, and big-hearted, and caring, in his own way. He had some macho issues, but they paled in comparison with his goodness.

 

And I could call him out on them, and even as he would defend his Neanderthal ways, he would also see my point and laugh at both of us in our opposite corners of the ring.

 

Yeah. I needed to talk to him again. I needed to be real. I needed to allow myself—and us—to see if what we had could possibly be something more than I had ever allowed myself to hope for before.

 

My biggest fear now was that he really didn’t want me. But I had to ask. I had to know.

 

# # #

 

I had dropped Peter off at Holly and Bull’s house—she had quickly established herself as Grandma Holly, despite the lack of blood relation, and she awesomely offered to take Peter when I had called a few hours ago, even before I had the chance to ask her to do just that.

 

I had given myself a spa-shower, going the whole nine yards with the shaving, salt and oil rub, eyebrow fixing, blow-dry, et cetera. Then I dressed in my favorite sexy sundress and shoes. I was on a mission, and I wanted to be looking and smelling and feeling my very best.

 

I was freaking nervous.

 

I knew he was at work—I had actually called to verify this with Trini and asked her not to let on that I had called to check. She looked me up and down when I entered the shop, then smirked at me hard and gave me a double thumbs-up. Super subtle.

 

But I wasn’t here to be subtle. I figured, go all-in or go home. I was going all-in.

 

So, in response to Trini, I gave her a small smile, and headed straight back to Jack’s office. His door was mostly shut, but I could hear him talking. I just kept up my pace. Nothing was going to side-track me now.

 

I knocked lightly on the door as I opened it wider, and found him on the phone. He’d been facing his computer monitor and talking numbers, but as soon as I entered his eyes were on me, and he said, “Listen, I’m gonna have to call you back.” And he hung up the phone.

 

I closed the door behind my back and, with both hands behind me, leaned against the door, letting his eyes take their fill.

 

“Something on your mind?” he asked, his voice coming out a little lower than normal, a little growly.

 

“Yeah.” Wow. My voice had dropped, too.

 

I was so aware of him—how beautiful he was to me, his eyes, his scent, his very presence—that for the moment, I couldn’t think beyond that.

 

He gave me several seconds, but when I said nothing more, he prompted, “What is it, Ellie?”

 

Whereas when I had first entered, his eyes had been warm, surprised, welcoming. But now, he looked guarded, colder. Crap, I was screwing this up already.

 

“I made a huge mistake.”

 

“Yeah, you made that clear several weeks ago.” He was turning his attention back to the stuff on his desk.

 

“No, you don’t understand…Jack, I really fucked up. I didn’t know…I… Would you just please stop that and look at me?” I was starting to panic. I needed his eyes. I needed him to be open to hearing what I had to say.

 

He gave it to me immediately. “You want my attention? You got it for two minutes. Then, I got work to do.”

 

Okay, that was a little harsh, but fair.

 

“The thing is, Jack…I was so scared. I was so scared, and the whole thing went back to the fact that I was thinking about you when Brian came in and took Peter.

 

And I thought that I couldn’t do that, couldn’t allow for anybody else to distract me…”

 

“Yeah, Ellie, you told me all that. I got it. No need to tell me again.”

 

“No, you’re not…Just listen, please, for a minute. The thing is, I still can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop thinking about how I miss you. About your eyes. About your mouth. About your body. About your wit. About how you laugh at me in the mornings. About how you love Petey. About how you care for everyone in your circle, like it’s a mission. About how you fit inside of me. About…”

 

Somewhere in the middle of all that rambling, Jack had stood up and zipped over to me at the door. Before I could go on, he had his mouth on mine, his hands at my ass, lifting me up so I could wrap my legs around him with better-alignment for easier kissing. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held on, and allowed our tongues and lips to reacquaint in sexy slides, rubs, and nips. I could not get enough, and the feeling was apparently mutual. Thank God.

 

“I need you now,” he growled against me, and rocked his pelvis up into my own. We had too many clothes on.

 

“Yes, now.” It was about all I could manage.

 

“Fuuck.” Holding me up by my ass, he swung us around and cleared off the greater part of his desk with a single swipe of an arm. Once I had my butt planted on it, I turned my attention to undoing his belt buckle and fly. He got my dress off me, unsnapped my bra and sent it flying, and had my panties down to my knees already as I worked his pants and boxers down his thighs. He took over from there, and I pulled his tee shirt up and off while he kicked off the jeans. We were both naked in record time.

 

“Look at you,” he whispered. Damn, but he made me feel beautiful.

 

“I’d rather you touch me,” I invited.

 

He smirked at me, but easily gave in to my request, lightly passing two fingers through the soft, wet folds of my pussy and encircling my clit. Oh, lord.

 

“You just want me for my body.”

 

He was joking, but there was something vulnerable in the statement, too. I was struggling not to get lost in sensation, but this was important. I took hold of his wrist, and held it off of me for a moment so I could gather the right words.

 

“Your body is divine. And of course, I love it. But that is not what this is about, Jack. You need to know that. I want you in my life. Not just as Peter’s daddy-uncle. Not just as a brother-in-law type of thing. Not just as a sometimes-lover. I want you as mine.”

 

Whoa. Okay, I said it. It was a vulnerable admission for me, too—I had no idea if he was even open to the concept of belonging to one woman, of having a true partner. We’d been play-acting through the wedding, but we’d never really discussed our thoughts about marriage and partnership. He might laugh in my face.

 

“You mean…what are you saying, Ellie? Spell it out for me.”

 

“I mean that I’m freaking in love with you, Jack! I want to be your real wife! I want to be your old lady for real. Do you get it now? Jeez!”

 

He had started laughing somewhere in the middle of that little speech, and when I realized it, I burned with humiliation.

 

Immediately, I was up and hunting for my panties, blushing like mad. All I wanted to do was get out of there alive. If I killed him in the process—well, accidents happened, right?

 

“Hold on—wait—stop it, Ellie. Shhht—Woman, stop.” He suddenly went all deep-voiced dom. Typical.

 

And he had me in a lock-hold from behind, with both my arms behind me held in one of his arms, his other arm wrapped around my front. I was almost in tears, but I was angry and confused and—

 

“Baby, are you telling me you wanna be in this with me, and you want me to be in this with you, for real, forever? For good? Did I hear you right?”

 

I said I was all-in, right? Walk the walk.

 

“Yeah, that’s what I was saying, before you started laughing at me. Now, I’m not so sure.”

 

He laughed again, and bit my neck for a second, giving me a tight squeeze at the same time.

 

“I thought you were marching in here to tell me you were leaving, that you had found somewhere else to go, and that you were getting as far away from me as you could, for good.”

 

“Why would you think that?” I struggled to turn around, to see his face. “No, seriously, why would you think that, Jack? I would never do that. Don’t you know that?”

 

“I don’t know. I just thought—it doesn’t matter. You’re serious?”

 

He was searching my eyes. And there I saw that vulnerability again. I melted.

 

“Yeah, Jack. I’m serious.”

 

“Thank fucking Christ.”

 

“Jack!” I swatted his arm.

 

“Jeez—sorry—baby, you gotta know, I’m all-in with you. With you, with Peter, with this marriage, everything. I’m all-in.”

 

My chest suddenly felt all bright and bubbly, and I grinned from ear to ear, then did my best to kiss his lights out. Once again he lifted me up, this time carrying me back to the door, and said, “I’m not letting go of you this time.”

 

“Please don’t.”

 

“Okay with you if we do this without protection? I’m clean. You on the pill or something?”

 

“Yeah, I am, actually. I’m clean, too. I don’t want us to use anything.”

 

He growl-grunted, hefted me up a bit more, and dove in for more kissing. One of his hands snuck under me to spread my juices around, playing with me, making sure I was ready for him.

 

Oh, I was ready. I was more than ready. And as soon as he realized it, he said, “Baby, I can’t wait…”

 

I reached down for him and guided his hard length into me, and we watched together as our bodies bonded. It was sexy and beautiful and right.

 

Our eyes met again, and we smiled and breathed in each other’s air, and began to move together against the door.

 

Our movements got stronger, louder, more desperate and fierce, as we met and retracted, pumping and grinding, over and over again.

 

He gave me his fingers again when he saw I was getting close, and I cried out as the world of sensation exploded around me.

 

He pumped into me a few more times, and muffled his sounds against my neck as he came.

 

And after, we melted into one another against the door for several long moments, our breaths heaving and our bodies slick with sweat.

 

When we finally came back to the world, we started laughing into each other’s eyes.

 

I really didn’t care if anyone out there was listening; this was all about me and Jack. We were finally a real thing. Our merging bodies were just the physical element of a much grander reality. It was fucking perfect—literally and figuratively.

 

“God, people are going to hate us.”

 

“Why?” He looked at me quizzically.

 

“Because we already use the same freaking phrases. ‘All-in’ was my motivational motto today, getting ready to come see you.”

 

“Yeah? All-in? It’s ’cause you picked it up from me, baby. Must have.”

 

“Your ego is ginormous.”

 

“I got something else that’s ginormous for you, baby, and it likes to play the all-in game, too.”

 

“Oh, that’s horrible, Jack. Shut up and kiss me.”

 

And he did.