The second I step foot in the room, I spot Toni. I want to turn around and leave, but Alicia has a firm grip on my arm, dragging me closer to the meeting that I didn’t want to come to in the first place. Seeing Toni makes me want to scramble to get out of here as fast as I can.

Everything in my chest begins to hurt and I can feel my heart pounding in my eardrums as every sound in the room begins to fade away. I try everything I can to not look at her, but my eyes are drawn to her like a duck to water.

I try to tell myself that these meetings are only temporary, but it doesn’t make my anxiety any better. In fact, it makes it worse. What if she’s at every meeting and I have to see her each week that I’m here? Or worse: what if we never speak?

“I’d like to go first,” a woman says, as Alicia and I take a seat just a few chairs from Toni.

“That’d be great. We have some new faces here tonight, so I’d like for everyone to do a brief introduction,” the man in charge of the meeting says. “I’m Mark and I’ve been holding these meetings for the last twelve years.”

The woman smiles, and I can see she’s missing a few of her front teeth. She looks like she’s in her early 50’s, but my guess is she’s probably in her 40’s. Drugs and drinking have a way of wearing a person’s youth away, and she looks like she’s lived a hard life.

“I’m Frenchy,” she begins. “And I’ve been a recovering alcoholic for almost two years. The past week has been tough for me because I’ve been trying really hard to get a job. My sister’s been on my ass, you know?” Everyone nods in agreement. “She doesn’t understand how hard it is for someone like us to get a job. I can’t always be perfect like her.”

“Do you have any leads, Frenchy?” Mark asks.

“I thought I did. Last week, I went on two interviews. One of the places said they would make a decision by yesterday, but I never heard back from them.” She frowns and wipes away a tear. “I guess I didn’t get the job.”

“It’s okay, Frenchy, you’ll get the next one and it’ll probably be better. Remember, sometimes we ‘miss opportunities’ because there’s a bigger plan in store for us,” Mark says. “Who’d like to go next?”

“I will,” the woman beside Toni stands up. “My name is Monica, but everyone calls me Mon. This past week was filled with its ups and downs. As most of you know, I’ve been trying to repair my relationship with my daughter, and it hasn’t gone very well, but I think we’re finally starting to make some progress. After a big argument that we had, we both apologized and she invited me over to her house for dinner this weekend so I can meet her new boyfriend.”

“That’s fantastic, Mon. Are there any problems you’d like to discuss?” he asks her.

“No, I just hope my higher power grants me the strength to make it through dinner with her. When I’ve gone over to her house in the past, we tend to argue, but I’m willing to give it another shot. She only started talking to me about a year ago, so I expect rough patches.”

As everyone goes around the circle, I realize that hearing their stories makes me want to drink more, not less. I can’t believe I have to put up with this shit for the next three months just so I can get my license back. If it weren’t for that judge mandating I get the stupid paper signed, I would’ve been out of here a long time ago.

The only reason that I’m still sitting in this chair is because Alicia won’t let me leave, and I hope to find some way to connect with Toni. I want to know what she has to say and why she’s here or what she’s doing with her life.

Almost an hour later, it’s my turn to talk and I’m nervous as hell. I’m not one to talk about my problems, nor do I do confessions. Mark looks straight at me, “Would you like to go next?”

Clearing my throat, I stand up and quickly scan the circle. Toni’s eyes meet mine for a brief second before her eyelids flutter and she focuses on her shoes. It kills me to see her here, she looks so sad, and maybe a little angry.

“I, um, my name’s Lucas. I’m here because the judge ordered I get my paper signed and successfully complete AA to get my license back.”

Nodding, I go to take my seat, but Mark stops me. “Lucas, we’re glad you’re here. Would you say that you have a drinking problem?”

Toni’s eyes find mine again and, this time, she waits for my answer. Looking into her eyes, I say, “I guess you could say that.”

She is the reason why I started drinking and going out partying all the time. She’s the whole reason why I can’t commit to relationships or get close to anyone. What happened between us is something I’ve never been able to get over. I never wanted her to have that abortion, but I couldn’t make her see things any other way, so I did what any good man would do. I supported her decision because I thought it was better than forcing her into doing something she didn’t want to do and ruining our relationship forever, but things didn’t work out anyway.

“What brought you here?” he asks me. I look around and see that everyone’s staring at me. I feel like I’m on trial or something. Drawing in a deep breath, I exhale slowly as I think about why I’m here.

“I had a few too many DUI’s and, as a result, I lost my license. My construction business is in jeopardy because of it, and I just want to get things back on the right track.”

I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit this but know that she’s sitting in the same room listening makes it ten times worse. I feel like a loser and I never want her to think of me that way.

Mark nods, “You’ve certainly come to the right place. We’ve all been where you are. I assume this is your first AA meeting?”

“Yeah,” I shake my head. “Something like that.”

I’ve looked into counseling and AA meetings before, but I was too embarrassed to reach out for help. The judge made that decision for me, though.

“How long have you had a drinking problem?”

I look at Toni, who has gone back to staring at her shoes. She won’t even look at me as I continue to talk, and it feels like a knife is twisting deep inside my gut. “About six years, I’d say.”

That gets her attention and her head shoots straight up as she looks right at me. There’s a look of recognition in her eyes; maybe that’s when her problems started too—right after we split up.

It’s hard to say what would’ve happened between us, but I would’ve married that girl if we could’ve worked through our problems. I loved her more than the air that I breathed and if given the choice between loving her or breathing, I would’ve used my last breath to tell her how much I loved her.

“Thank you, Lucas,” he says, motioning for me to take my seat. “Who’s left?”

As I sit back down in my chair, Alicia grabs hold of my arm and squeezes it. “You did great,” she whispers.

I know she means well, but her words don’t offer me much comfort. I’m ready to get out of here and go have a drink but knowing her, she’s not going to let me out of her sight.

Everyone looks at each other as we wait to see who’s turn it is to talk next before Mark says, “Toni? How about you? You haven’t gone yet.”

Pushing her chair back, she stands and smoothes her hair back as a weak smile spreads across her face. My mind races, wondering what she’ll say. Will her story match mine? Or will it be something completely different? Sitting in my chair, I hold my breath until she begins talking, unable to move a muscle.