Hearing Lucas’s story shocked the hell out of me. I had no idea that he’d taken the same path as me once we called it quits. Obviously, everything went downhill for him at the same time it did for me; he said six years ago and looked straight at me. It hurt so bad to hear him say that.

Everything is my fault. I fucked it all up—for both of us. He must think I’m the worst person in the world after everything we went through.

I know this sounds terrible, but part of me felt a little better knowing that he couldn’t easily get over me and that we both went through the same struggles because I know I’m not alone. I felt so selfish for the longest time, but knowing that it hurt him as much as it hurt me brings me some sort of relief that it wasn’t all in my head. We had a really good thing, and there were so many times that I wondered how he was.

I can’t count the days when I wondered what he was doing or where he was at, or if he was thinking of me.

But the other part of me is sad that he dealt with things alone. It’s never easy to hear that someone you once loved and cared about went down such a dark path.

The fact that he’s barely holding on to his dad’s construction business tells me a lot. When we were together, he still worked for his dad, but I guess his dad handed it down to him. That business meant everything to him and his dad, and the fact that he’s let things get this far out of hand shows me that maybe our relationship affected him more than I could’ve imagined.

I’m assuming the woman who’s with him is only here for moral support since she didn’t speak or introduce herself. She must care for him a lot because nobody comes to these things voluntarily, at least not at first. I find myself wondering how long the two of them have been together and whether she’s an enabler or not. I guess it’s really none of my business.

“I’m Toni,” I say, quickly introducing myself. “I’ve been attending these meetings for the past four years and Mon,” I glance down at her, “has been my sponsor most of that time.”

She smiles up at me and nods, “Sure have, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

“My last week has been hectic,” I admit. “And I wanted to take a load off, but I didn’t. I stayed clean. Every time I thought about stopping off for a drink on my way home, I called Mon and talked to her until I was in for the night.”

“What happened last week, Toni? How’s your laundromat business going?” Mark asks.

A short laugh escapes my throat. “Not good. I just got all of the inspections finished and found out that the bank loan will barely cover any of the repairs that I need to make in order to get the building up to code. It’s going to cost a fortune.”

“Are there any grants that you could take advantage of? A lot of times the government will give small business owner grants to help get things up and running.”

Shifting my weight onto my other foot, I sweep my hair away from my face. “I tried, but I don’t qualify for most of them. I seriously wonder if anyone actually qualifies for those things.”

“So what’s your plan?” Mark asks.

According to him, we must always have a plan; a safety net to fall back on.

“I don’t really have one at the moment,” I bite my lip. “But I’m working on it. I have an appointment with the bank manager on Friday to see if I can get a small loan. According to the inspection reports, it shouldn’t cost me more than ten grand to fix the plumbing and the gas leak that’s inside the building. If I would’ve known the building had so many issues, I would’ve never bought it.”

“Do you think you’ll get the loan?” he asks.

I shrug, “Your guess is as good as mine. I barely got the business loan to buy the laundromat, but I’m hoping they’ll say yes. I just got my credit cards paid off last month, so I’m hoping that’ll shoot up my credit score.”

“Well, it sounds like you have a plan,” Mark says. “You’ve come a long way, but it sounds like you’re moving in the right direction.”

Before the meeting is over, Mark talks about working the twelve steps and how much of an impact they can make if you stay the course. His voice drowns out to nothing but background noise as I study Lucas and his girlfriend. She seems more tentative to what’s going on in the meeting than he does, by far.

After hearing his story and watching him, I can see that he’s only here because he has to be, and not because he wants to be. If he’s serious about changing his life or keeping his business, it’s vital that he works the twelve steps regardless what the judge has ordered or he’ll be right back in the same boat.

I realize that the meeting is over when everyone stands up, and quickly scramble to my feet to join them. As soon as we say our goodbyes, I snatch my purse from the floor and leave as quickly as possible. The last thing I want is to look like I’m lingering or waiting around for him.

In the parking lot, I hear Mon calling my name.

“Toni!” she yells. “Wait up!” Running toward my car, she bends over, catching her breath as she rests her hands on her knees. “How come you took off like that?”

Glancing at the door, I make sure Lucas and his girlfriend are nowhere around. “You know the new guy that was in the meeting?” She nods, still out of breath. “That’s him.”

“Him? Him, who?”

“The guy that I told you about.” Her face twists in confusion. “The one who I had the abortion with and everything crumbled after that?” I jog her memory.

“Oh! Oh, shit!” she says. “Are you going to talk to him? Or do you not want to talk to him?”

“I can’t talk to him,” I say. “Besides, he’s clearly moved on and has a girlfriend and everything.”

“Remember step eight?” she says, in a low, sweet voice. “You need to make amends. You two went through a lot together, and it seems like you’re both hurting.”

“Remember step nine?” I counter. “You only make amends if it won’t harm the other person. I think talking to him would do more harm than good. Like I said, it seems like he has support. I don’t want to ruin anything. I remember being here even though I didn’t want to, and if he were here to confront me at my first meeting, I don’t think I would’ve come back. It’s better if I just leave things be and let him work on his recovery at his own will.”

“Do whatever your heart tells you to do,” she takes my hand in hers. “You’re a good person, Toni, and I know you’ll do the right thing.”

“Thanks, Mon. I better get going. I’ll see you around.”

She wraps her arms around me, giving me a firm hug. “Call if you need anything. Not only have I been your sponsor for the last few years, but I’m also your best friend.”

“I know,” I open my car door. “I’m going to get out of here before they come out. We’ll talk later.”

I fire up my engine and begin to back out of the parking space just as Lucas and his girlfriend walk out of the building. Whew, I think to myself, bullet dodged, but I doubt he even saw me, even though I couldn’t stop staring at him.