Chapter 17
Days passed with Jenna only being able to have full conversations with Hannah. Her father was still in a funk, giving her the silent treatment for the most part. His answers were short, and there wasn’t much else between them. Jenna hated it when things were like this. It had only happened one other time, and because her mother hadn’t been ready to kill Tanner alongside him, Paul had put her on ice too. They’d gone on for days like that. She wondered how long her dad would freeze her out for this time.
Tanner had been at work the whole time, and he hadn’t called, hadn’t even sent a text message, nothing to signal her that it was okay to speak to him again. She could just pop up at the station, but the odds of that working in her favor were slim. So she waited.
In the meantime, she’d been all over town looking for another store like Lucky Llana’s, but the only thing she came across were a few generic five-and-dimes and a craft store… none of which had the pizzazz she was searching for. Suddenly, the idea emerged like a phoenix through ashes. Weeks had gone by since the fire. Perhaps the Lucky Llana’s itself was up and running again.
Much to Jenna’s disappointment, the store wasn’t open when she pulled up to it. But then she saw a familiar face coming out of it. She wasn’t too sure, but she called out to the woman anyway as she got out of her car.
“Excuse me! Do you know where Lucky Llana is? I would love to know when the store is opening back up.”
The woman, who’d once sported extravagant black hair resembling that of Albert Einstein, was looking plain at best. She wore a simple blouse and pants, and her hair was straightened into a bob with a slight curl at the bottom. Her eyes had lost the vigor, the excitement that used to glow when she smiled. The air of defeat lingered around her.
“Lucky Llana isn’t here, sweetheart. Llana Samuels, on the other hand, is at your service,” she sighed. It was the saddest introduction Jenna had ever heard.
“So it’s that bad?” she asked her curiously.
“Well, why don’t you come on in and take a look?” she shrugged, heading back toward the door. The huge windows were boarded up, and there were still remnants of broken glass scattered across the pavement. Inside it was dark until she flipped a switch. The stench of smoke and mildew hung in the air. There were boxes everywhere; most of the inventory was apparently packed up.
“So are you moving to a different location?” Jenna asked.
Llana turned to her with tears in her eyes. “No. Just closing up.”
Jenna was ready to bawl along with the woman as she stared around what was left of the eclectic party store. The entire wall that separated it from the shop next door was blackened. There were holes through which she could see what used to be a restaurant. It was even worse off than Lucky Llana’s. Some of the mannequins were melted. There was still a considerable amount of debris. And the stench only got stronger the closer they got toward the dressing room where they’d been trapped.
“How about we go someplace a little bit brighter and let me buy you a cup of coffee or something?” Jenna suggested.
“Oh honey, that’s not necessary.” The woman forced a smile as she patted Jenna on the hand.
“But I would like to. Besides, I think I could use the advice of a wise woman right now.” There was something about Llana that reminded her of her Gram. Gram always told her that no matter how old a person gets, they always want to feel needed. So she walked with Llana over to Mr. Donner’s bakery, where they sat at the little table in the corner by the window.
The old man smiled even brighter when he saw Jenna walk back into the place. “One white hot cocoa coming right up!”
“Thank you, Mr. Donner. And Llana, what would you like?”
“Oh, I already know what she wants, too,” Mr. Donner interjected. “A slice of my blueberry tart with a nice hot cup of Earl Grey tea.”
“You got it, Billy,” she smiled as she sat down.
“I guess I’m not the only regular customer in here, huh?”
“Not in the slightest,” she sighed. “Thank you for this. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like doing anything else. I don’t want to rebuild the shop. I don’t want to fight with the insurance companies anymore. I’m just tired.”
“Why are you fighting with the insurance company? The fire started next door, right? So none of that was your fault. They should just pay for the damages. You can open back up and people like me wouldn’t have to rely on crappy chain stores with no personality for their event necessities.”
Llana smiled. “I’m sure you’ll find exactly what you’re looking for. Besides, it’s not my insurance company that’s the problem. The problem is that stupid restaurant next door that no one ever ate at. The owner wasn’t carrying liability insurance, and he had this strange policy where his own payout went to someone else. His insurance company says they don’t owe me anything, he says he hasn’t got anything, and the beneficiary won’t even talk to me! I could go to court, I guess, but my lawyer says it would take a year or two to get any money.”
“But what about your insurance? Don’t they have to pay you anyway?”
“Oh, they’ll pay me something, but it’s not going to be enough. I have a three-thousand-dollar deductible and they may not even cover all of the damages. They kept saying something about fireproof walls or something like that.”
“Yeah, like the ones I have,” Mr. Donner said as he shuffled over to them. “Behind all these tiles is that fancy cement board and treated beams and whatnot. When I had that renovation a few years back they came in and redid everything because us restaurants, anyone with a stove, we have to have those special materials so what happened to you doesn’t happen. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Llana.”
“You and me both. I just wish that Mr. Hannity would be a gentleman about this. He got the insurance money, he should cover my costs out of that. But since there’s a suspicion of arson he won’t even talk to me until the investigation’s finished. So I just closed up shop.”
“That’s not fair!” Jenna slammed her hands on the table. She got looks from everyone else in the bakery, but she’d had enough of Mr. Hannity.
“Of course not, dear. It’s insurance. It’s not about being fair. It’s about doing what costs them the least amount of money. But I’m alive, and that’s all that matters. The brick and mortar store is dying anyway. My niece is coming to help me go through everything to see what I can salvage, and after that she’s going to help me set up an online shop. I can tell all of my regular customers to shop there, and maybe I’ll even get some new ones from outside of Doveport.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound too bad. I hope it all works out for you,” Jenna said with sincerity and hope ringing through her voice.
“I hope so too.”
The two women sat there in the bakery talking for a while. Jenna ran through all of her crazy ideas about her party, and eventually Llana helped her narrow them down to one. By the time she left the shop, she was excited to get a hold of Hannah to tell her what she was planning. But she wanted to stop home first.
The sound of Hannity’s name had made her cringe and think of her father. When she pulled her car into the driveway, she saw that his truck was still there, but the garage door was wide open. The trunk where she’d found her mother’s coat was open beside Paul as he sat in a chair with his wife’s belongings splayed across his lap.
“Hey Daddy,” Jenna practically whispered, not wanting to intrude on his moment.
But to her surprise, he looked up and smiled at her. There was a stack of papers and envelopes in his hand. “I can’t believe these are all still in here.”
He handed her a few of the papers. She noticed her mother’s handwriting and looked up quizzically. “I don’t know what any of these are.”
“Of course you don’t. I’d completely forgotten about them myself until I came in here. I was moving some of your boxes around so you’d have an easier time packing for your trip. I saw your list,” he sighed.
Jenna chuckled. “You don’t sound excited. Isn’t that what you’ve been screaming at me to do all summer? Pick a school and go? Well, I picked four schools, and I’m going to all of them to check out the campuses and living areas around them.”
“Do I even want to know how you did that?”
“Let’s not fight about money anymore. I picked the best schools offering me the most financial aid in my degree program.”
“Right, so I was looking at your list of schools and I realized that you’d barely unpacked your stuff out here. I was moving it all around when I saw this trunk. Going through it and finding those letters from your mom just made me think about how stubborn I’ve been. I don’t want to fight with you anymore, Jenna. I just want you to listen to me for once, without protest.”
“So, silent treatment over?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Well, I’m talking to you, ain’t I?” he laughed.
Jenna practically squealed as she wrapped her arms around his neck and smothered him with kisses. Mr. Hannity was far from her mind as sat on her dad’s lap, nestled her head against his chest and shoulder, and read the first letter from her mother:
September 6th, 2010
Dearest Jenna-Marie,
I look at you sleeping on the eve of your first day of high school, wondering where my little baby went. We’ve gone from tea parties on the lawn to boy-girl parties after school. I never thought I was ready to be a mother, but having you has pushed me to want to become a great one.
I can’t tell you why exactly I decided to pick this day to start these, but someday the reason will be known to all of us. I love you and wish you nothing but success. Words of wisdom from Gram to me, and now from me to you: Always make sure you wear bicycle shorts under miniskirts, and don’t let Dad see you in miniskirts.
Love you always and forever,
Mom
Jenna laughed as she folded the piece of paper up and slid it back into the pile “How many of these are there?”
“Looks like a few hundred pieces of paper. I only read that one, and when I saw it was to you, I figured I’d leave the rest for you to go through.”
Jenna got up from his lap as she took the bundle from his hands. “You know, these are the kinds of letters you won’t go to jail for reading. It’s not a felony to open up mail that’s been written in your own house. It’s not, right?”
Paul laughed. “I don’t think so, but those are for you. You read them, and if there are any you absolutely want me to read, I will.”
“Thanks, Daddy.” She kissed him on his forehead and took her newfound treasure up to her room. She spent the rest of the day sorting through the papers, putting them in order by date. She put one pile off to the side. Those dates were painfully familiar, and those letters were by far the thickest. She wasn’t sure if she should read them first, save them for last, or not open them at all. Crumbling into a ball of tears wasn’t in her plans with her birthday right around the corner. But she refused to be cowardly. She dove into the heavy pile first:
January 8th, 2012
Dearest Jenna-Marie,
We played basketball last week. You won that game, and while I wanted to tell you I wasn’t at 100%, I didn’t want to miss it. The time when teenage daughters don’t want to do things with their mothers is fast approaching. I have to tell you that I haven’t been at 100% for a while now, but I want a rematch anyway, and don’t think because you beat me before you can do it again. Your momma’s still got it!
But enough with the fluff. I know things have been kind of tight, but I promise it’s all going to get better when we open this bar. Your dad and I just had to take this chance. We hate our jobs and it’s killing us, our marriage. We’re so unhappy working for other people. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you know deep down inside that what you’re doing isn’t making you happy, then don’t do it. Please only do things that make you happy. BE RESPONSIBLE, but put your happiness first.
Love you always and forever,
Mom
Jenna breathed a sigh of relief and moved that letter into the pile with the others. That one hadn’t been so heavy after all, so she moved on to the next:
February 14th, 2012
Dearest Jenna-Marie,
I write this letter to you from my hospital bed. You and your dad went through so much to make this Valentine’s Day special, and I was so weak I couldn’t even make it to the car. You were so mad at me when we spoke on the phone that I didn’t have the heart to tell you why I ruined Daddy’s surprise. He says he’s going to talk to you, but I sure wish you would have just come to the hospital. Stubborn and pigheaded, just like me I guess.
I know you and Tanner worked hard on getting all of the adults to his house, and I really do wish we could be there, but I just can’t. I don’t want you to hate me, but I don’t want you to know how sick I really am, either. Daddy says he’s going to tell you, but I made him swear he’d wait until the summer. I’m hoping to be better by then so we won’t have to have that stupid talk in the first place. Please forgive me, my Jenna-Marie. I don’t want you to worry.
Love you always and forever,
Mom
The tears started falling as Jenna remembered how irritated—and rude—she’d been that Valentine’s Day. The spots on the paper showed her where her own mother’s tears had fallen, and she debated whether or not to read the rest of the pile. With a deep breath, she closed her eyes and picked one randomly:
July 5th, 2014
Dearest Jenna-Marie,
Watching you celebrate this Independence Day with your friends in the yard was wonderful. Even though I couldn’t be outside with you all, watching through the window was good enough. At least I made it to graduation, right?
The look in your eyes is one of the reasons we waited so long to tell you. You seem sad all of the time when your friends aren’t around, and even when they are, it’s like you’re forcing your joy. I don’t want to be the reason you’re sad, but I know that’s a lot to ask. Thinking about my own mother, I’d be inconsolable if something happened to Gram.
Don’t blame her for not being around or coming here. Leave that to Dad. She’s had to watch her husbands die, her friends, and I can’t imagine what it must feel like to watch her only child wither away. That’s what I feel like, like I’m a pile of ashes being blown into the wind. So frail, so much pain, and I wish you to know that all of this will be over soon. I don’t think I’m getting better, so the next letters will be my advice to you as you enter into womanhood and discover the magnificent human you’re destined to be.
My heart breaks when I think of all I’m going to miss. But right now I’ll just smile as you dance in the lawn with your friends. With your bags and boxes packed in Daddy’s truck, I’m not ready to say goodbye. Not yet.
Love you always and forever,
Mom
“Holy crap, I can’t do this,” Jenna sniffled. She knew what was coming next, and it was something she didn’t want to relive any more than she already had. She remembered her freshman and sophomore years of college. A train wreck catastrophe of chaos was all that came to mind. “Okay just one more.”
She pulled out one of the letters from her freshman year:
May 24, 2015
Dearest Jenna-Marie,
I can’t stand how tired I am all of the time. You came home and dashed out of here so fast. But let me tell you, that Michael fella is bad news. What kind of young man doesn’t greet your father with a handshake? He told me all about it. He’s very upset and doesn’t think he’s any good for you. Why couldn’t you make things work with Tanner? He’s so sweet, and he brings me flowers the first Sunday of every month like clockwork. Dad may have fussed at him, but he’s a good kid.
I just want you to make good decisions. I just want you to be responsible and stay focused on graduating. As I sit in this stale room, I wish… I wish I wasn’t here. I wish I could be your mother the way you need me to be. I’m just too tired.
My next bit of advice will be in the male department. Hold a man to his word. A man who will break his word will most definitely break your heart. Please choose your happiness first, and don’t let anyone distract you from your dreams.
Love you always and forever,
Mom
Mike had already been cheating on her by the time her mother had written that letter. She had been oblivious and disgustingly naive. One of his many flings had actually borrowed textbooks from her.
“That’s all for now, Mom. I want to be happy. You always told me to be happy. These letters aren’t going to make me happy!”
“But they will give you some closure,” her dad whispered from the doorway. He held up a pile of his own. “Seems like she left me a few too.”
“Dad, why did it take you so long to find these?” She sighed and rubbed her reddened, wet cheeks.
“I tossed all of that stuff in that trunk and refused to open it. I had all the important papers and documents. I didn’t want to read anything else. I didn’t want to see our memories in that moment. It all hurt too much.”
“I get it, Dad. This is too heavy for me. I’m going to lose my mind if I go through all of these tonight. Can we just order a pizza or something and watch movies?”
“Sure thing, Jenna. Whatever you want.”