Chapter 1 - Callie
I knew the feeling all too well, and the dread was already fueled. I felt perspiration on my forehead, my heart was sending shooting pains through my chest, and I could hardly breathe or even concentrate enough to know where I was. I recognized my dad and he was gesturing. I could see his mouth moving, but I couldn't understand what he was saying.
I felt dirt scrape my cheek as I hit the ground - hard. My shoulder hurt and the tears began, opening the dam that was the beginning of the end. As the tears grew heavier, they took the pain and stress with them, leaving me weak and embarrassed. Dad's hand was in front of my face, offering me help to stand. I shook my head and sat in defeat a few seconds longer before I stood up and brushed off my clothes. "Why, Dad? Why does it happen every time?"
"Can't say, little girl, but you know as well as I do what's behind them. The doctor told you that."
"I know, but I'm out to prove him wrong. P-T-S-D. Sounds like something that makes a cripple out of you, and I won't let it, Dad. No matter what."
Dad stopped and turned, putting his hands on my shoulders and tilting my chin upward to look at him. "Look, Callie. Your mom's accident, that had nothin' to do with you. She loved riding, just like you do, and she was a helluva rider. Some people ride their whole lifetimes and aren't as good as she was. She knew what she was doin', and it wasn't her fault, either. Blue Boy was just too much for anyone to handle. If anythin', it's my fault she was out in that pasture when the mares were in just the next one over. Blue Boy was always randy. He wanted what he wanted, and there was nothin' your mom was gonna do to stop him. When he jumped that fence, you and I both know he landed bad and she got caught underneath."
"But Dad, I knew the mares were there. Mom was letting me lead the way. I should have gone another direction."
"No, Callie, you just can't take the blame for it, you hear me? It was just one of them things. God knows that if either one of us could undo it, we would. But there's just some things that God intends, and we have to accept that. You think I don't miss her, too? Damn, it's only been not even a whole year."
I was crying full out, and when Dad turned away, I saw that his shoulders were quivering. I let him go. I knew it made things worse when I witnessed his grief. His hair had begun to turn gray since Mom's accident. I knew he missed her. With an unusual impulse, I called after him, "I'll never leave you, Dad."
***
Michael's car was in the drive when I got back to the house. Dad worked as the Smithfields' trainer, and that came with living in a smaller house on the Smithfield farm. It had been home for as long as I could remember. Michael was leaning against his car, his long legs crossed at the ankle. He was wearing a black Louisville ball cap with their red cardinal logo. There was a shit-eating grin on his face, and that's when I knew.
He came toward me, cocky in his step. "You picked Louisville," I said.
"Yes, sure did. It's goin' to be great, Callie. They offered me second quarterback position and practice begins on Monday. You'll love it, lassie. It's close enough that you can come to all the home games and visit me anytime you want."
I nodded.
"Hey, what's the matter? Have you been crying?"
I shrugged as I led Hector into the barn to put him away. Michael followed. "It happened again, didn't it?"
I didn't answer, which was the same as giving him details. I knew Michael didn't really understand what was happening with me, but he knew it had something to do with losing Mom. He'd been with me a couple of times when the attacks hit out of the blue. They'd scared the wits out of both of us. He'd taken me to a doctor who was a friend of his family, and that's when the PTSD diagnosis had come. The doctor had been kind enough to give me a gentle talk and explain what was going on. He'd said I could be lucky and they'd go away, that it often was part of the grieving process. If they didn't, he suggested I get regular therapy, but Dad's insurance didn't cover me now that I was eighteen and there wasn't any room in the budget for that. It had taken everything Dad had put back to bury Mom.
"You start already on Monday? Gosh, Michael, we only graduated a little more than a month ago. How come so soon? It's hot as heck, anyway."
"That's part of the game, lassie." He called me by the endearing name because he knew it would make me feel better. "You don't know how much I'm going to miss you."
"Miss me? I thought since you were so close by, we'd still see each other?"
"No, lassie, it doesn't work like that. I have to move onto campus and live in the dorm with the other players. It's all part of the team comradery thing, you know. We live, eat, sleep, play football and go to classes together."
I raised my eyebrows. "You going to come out of this with a degree or just a football?"
"Oh, lassie, don't be like that. We both knew what was coming."
"Correction. One of us knew, but he forgot to let the other one know how it worked."
"Are you mad?" His huge brown eyes held concern, but I knew he was determined. He had a family tradition to uphold, and being quarterback at his father's alma mater was certainly a big part of that.
I looked back at Hector, slipping off the riding saddle and tying him up so I could begin washing him down. It was a hot day, and I knew he was nerved up by my fall. A quick bath and rubdown would help to calm him. "No, not mad. Just disappointed. I mean, didn't graduation night mean something to you, Michael?"
"Well, of course it did. How can you even ask?"
"I just did."
"Look, lassie, what happened between us was right, and I hope you don't regret it. We both wanted each other, and that was the perfect night. I'll never forget it."
I nodded, but didn't say anything.
"Callie, look at me."
I turned my head and looked at him straight up, summoning courage from somewhere inside. I'd hoped Michael and I would spend the summer together. I thought graduation night came with commitments. I didn't want to acknowledge that just possibly it had meant more to me than it had to him. This was Michael - not some loud-mouthed bully in high school.
"I've come to get you. When you finish up, why not grab a shower and let me take you out. We don't have much time as it is."
"When do you leave?"
"In the morning."
I dropped the curry comb. "In the morning? I thought you started Monday?"
He nodded. "That's right. Monday, 6:30 a.m. on the field. We start out with two-a-days for now, and the first one is early, before the heat comes in. So tomorrow I take my things over and get settled into the dorm. Sunday there's a luncheon where the parents come to meet each other. Booster stuff, you know. Tonight's my last night, and Mom is going to skin me as it is. I'm supposed to be home packing."
"Well, don't let me keep you," I said tartly, brushing Hector's flank. Hector knew I was upset; his eyes were looking sidelong at Michael and his nostrils were flaring in the tension of the moment.
"Callie, don't be like that." Using my first name meant he was losing patience with me.
"Look, Michael, it's been a long, hot day. I'm worn out from the little, well, incident back there, and Dad is upset. I really don't want to leave him alone for supper. Why don't you go on ahead and get your packing done? Tomorrow's the start of a whole new life for you, you know. You shouldn't start that half asleep. One of these weekends you'll get a day off. Call me then. We can meet up in Louisville and have a night on the town. For now, let's let things go. You need to get on with your life, and me, well, I need to figure out what my life's going to be. I thought I'd sign up for the community college."
This piqued his interest. "College? You never talked about that before. What do you want to study?"
"Well, you're not the only one who's capable of going to college, you know." I was feeling stung and a little jealous by his overwhelming and sudden plans. I wanted something of my own. "It's close by, and there's some classes like animal husbandry I'd like to take."
"Oh, Callie, that's great. I never heard you talk like this before." He sighed and looked around, trying to strengthen the lure of my going out with him for the night. "Are you sure, lassie?" The longing in his voice was evident. I didn't want to hear it - it sounded too much like he was horny and now that he'd had me, he wanted to reap his investment. Where did that come from? I asked myself. I hated thinking that, and what was worse, I think Michael could read it on my face or maybe hear it in my tone. He didn't ask again, and he seemed more formal the next time he spoke.
"Okay, if that's how you want it. Callie, I hope you have a great summer, and I think it's a good idea for you to go to the community college. I know you want to ride, and I also know these, well, spells, will go away if you keep at it. The doctor said so, remember?"
I nodded, but said nothing.
"Well, okay... will you at least give me a kiss good-bye?"
I hesitated, but put the comb down and walked toward him. "I stink," I warned him, and he laughed.
"Oh, you won't compare to a whiff of me off the practice field in July. Now that is stink!" He caught me up and kissed me hard.
I couldn't tell him I needed him to stay - couldn't say that I would be lost without him, that my life had become him. I couldn't climb inside him and stay there for the rest of my life as I wanted to. I could kiss him back, though, and I did it. Hard. Before I anticipated it, Michael had lifted me so that my legs were around his waist and his zipper was down. He had thrown off my jeans and panties and he was buried inside me.
I had no concept of time or where I was. All I knew was that the only man who had ever known this part of me was here, and he was leaving. He turned so I was sitting on a stall half-wall and pushed my legs wide, entering me with a force that threatened to knock me off backwards. I wouldn't have cared; I just wanted this man, now, inside.
It lasted only a few minutes, but his ramming penetrations carried with them the pent-up need he'd had for me, and I welcomed the feel of his rock-hard penis inside. I ached with the loving abuse and wanted more. This was not romantic - this was the act of two human creatures who would, perhaps, never see one another again. The world held surprises.
When, at last, he'd exploded inside and I'd covered him with the moist glitter of my own passionate stars, he pushed his groin against me hard and remained inside. "You're mine, you hear me?" he whispered furiously. "Don't forget that!"
I pushed away and slid to my feet in the straw before he could see the tears of hurt in my eyes. Pulling on my clothes, I was feeling as though the entire world had just picked up and left me behind. I knew Michael would have a thousand girls after him at college and I might not even ever see him again. It happened that way in his world of wealthy carelessness. He'd meet some well-connected girl and they'd get married right out of college. He'd become a lawyer, like he said he wanted, and work for one of his dad's friends. Someday I might see him by accident in a restaurant in Louisville, or when he came back to his folks' on a holiday. It would all be quite accidental. I wasn't the sort of girl he was supposed to marry.
"Run along now, Michael, before I make a fool of myself, okay? Give me some dignity?" My throat felt raw from trying to hold back more tears.
He nodded, but looked regretful. "If that's the way you want it, Callie. We're not done, you know. I have something for you. Was going to give it to you later tonight, but, well..." He held out his hand, and on his pinkie was a slender ring with a clear green emerald cut in the shape of a heart. "This is a love ring - a promise that I'll always love you, no matter what happens. Think of the emerald as the green grass where we lay that first time." He took my right hand and slid it on my ring finger. "I'll be back, and you'd better be waiting."
Those were the last words I heard Michael speak that summer. I didn't believe them when he left that day, and I never would. I heard through the grapevine that he'd left for college and his mother had remarked in church that he was bound for great things. Pastor Rutfield included Michael in his closing prayers on Sunday, and I remember wondering whether God did special favors for Michael's people. After all, He'd given Michael's family two Derby winners and the largest farm in the county with the richest, lime-nourished bluegrass. I wished God could spare a little attention for the rest of us once in a while.
As it turned out, God had only just turned His attention to my life - and it was nothing like I'd expected.