Grandpa’s Pastina
Ingredients:
Orzo pasta, or any baby pasta (Judge amount based on how many people you are cooking for)
Celery
Onions
Peeled fresh tomatoes
Dialbrodo (Or any vegetable stock/broth, though this is the best)
Pepper
Olive oil
What to do:
Bring water to boil in pan. Add a drop of olive oil.
Add the celery, onion, tomato and stock. Let them boil together before adding the pasta.
Cook the pasta as packet suggests and add pepper to taste.
Louisa often saw the world through a rainbow of colour, always seeing the light in each day. Now as she raced through the front door of their grandparents’ house, a coldness coursed through her bones causing all colours to vanish. Her world appeared dark and fear overcame her. It was as though everything had come to a crashing halt.
‘Mum, what’s wrong?’ Louisa said. Fear made her breathing ragged and she was gasping from sprinting.
‘It’s Grandpa,’ Mum said, so faintly Louisa felt as though her heart stopped beating for a second. She buried her head in her hands. She willed her mum to say he was poorly, to tell her that the doctors were on their way and that Grandpa was just having a rough night, but her stomach twisted, and she immediately felt faint. The piercing pain in her chest already told her the words that were coming next, the magnitude of the impact they would have on her life causing her knees to go weak.
She felt her mum’s arms wrap round her, followed by her dad and her sisters, who had rushed in behind her. ‘He’s gone,’ Mum continued.
Louisa felt her body go limp, her legs unable to stay strong. She collapsed in a heap on the floor. ‘No, no, please, no, Mamma. He’s OK, I’ll go wake him up – he’ll be fine.’ Her body shook violently; tears gushed down her cheeks. She was screaming, and she didn’t know how to stop. ‘He can’t be gone, I need to speak to him.’ She felt her mum kneel beside her but couldn’t bring herself to uncurl from the fetal position in which she lay to look at her. She couldn’t control her tears; her jumper sleeves were wet through. ‘I’m sorry, Mum, I’m so sorry.’
Silence engulfed the room. Nothing could be heard except harsh intakes of breath and the muffled crying as tears flooded each face.
‘What are you saying sorry for, sweetheart? It’s OK,’ Mum whispered after a few minutes or more.
Her kind voice caused Louisa to inhale a painful breath. ‘I’m sorry for not being strong for you. I’m sorry.’ She buried her head in her mum’s shoulder.
‘Oh, sweetheart, it’s OK, it’s OK, it’s hard for us all,’ Mum replied, tears escaping her brave brown eyes. Louisa hugged her tight before opening her eyes to see Amanda and Sabrina with their heads tucked in against their dad’s shoulders. She loved her family – how they understood each other and how close they were.
‘We just saw him this morning, Dad. He was doing fine, he was happy and laughing,’ Sabrina stammered, barely audible. Louisa could hear her cries too.
‘I know, sweetheart, I know,’ Dad replied, sniffling. He gave Sabrina a kiss on the top of her head and wrapped his arms around her.
***
Amanda wanted to make a joke. She wanted to make everyone smile, to make everyone giggle the way Grandpa always did if someone was sad. But as she stood with her head on her dad’s shoulder, no jokes or funny comments were coming to her, just an overwhelming sense of grief. Her head was thumping, and her fists were clenched.
She wasn’t ready for this. She was ready to prepare the house for Christmas festivities, to make sure the kitchen was fully stocked with all the ingredients she and her grandpa would need for the chestnut pastries. She needed her grandpa to help her, to show her how it was done. She couldn’t make them as well as he did yet. She needed to watch him one more time, maybe even two or three to be the master chef that he was.
This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t time. She let out a cry and ran to the living room. Punching the cushion, she wanted to throw it across the room. She felt her blood pressure rising as her sobs got louder and her fists grew white from clenching them so tight. She looked around the room, the living room she had spent her entire life feeling content and safe in. The cosy room that had hosted afternoons of coffee and biscuits, while listening to Grandpa’s anecdotes.
She didn’t feel like herself. She wanted to run. She needed to escape from this bad dream. Twisting her head around manically, she searched for Grandpa’s smiling face. He would come in any minute and greet her, give her one of his big, comforting hugs and tell her everything was going to be OK. She stood staring at the door, panting, praying.
A few minutes passed before her sisters and Mum and Dad walked in. Her knees buckled, and she fell onto the couch, burying her head in a cushion. She could feel her chest rattling, her heart twisting and turning painfully, like it was trying to escape too, trying to get rid of the hurt that was just too much. Usually Amanda was the strong one – always there with a quick joke or sarcastic comment to keep things light and playful. Now that energy had vanished as tears stung her face.
Minutes passed by as her brain tried to compute all the words that her mum was saying to Sabrina, but her heart was having none of it. She felt utterly hopeless.
‘Girls, he was happy. He wasn’t in pain,’ Mum was saying. Amanda scrunched up her nose, closing her eyes tight. She couldn’t stand to hear her mum sobbing. ‘My wish was that he would go peacefully in his sleep when the time was right, and I got my wish. He went to lie in bed this evening and when Nanna went up she found him.’ The tears tumbled down her mum’s soft cheeks and Amanda’s heart wished it could take away her mum’s pain more than anything in the world.
‘That’s good, Mamma – you always looked after him so well. I’m glad he didn’t suffer,’ Amanda heard Louisa say. She could hear the pain in her baby sister’s voice and it killed her. Her mum had lost her father, Dad had lost his dear father-in-law, Nanna had lost her soulmate, and she and her sisters had lost one of the best friends they’d ever had. She cried into her cushion as Dad sat down next to her and rubbed her back.
***
‘Where’s Nanna?’ Sabrina asked, looking towards her dad, her face red and blotchy. She wanted to form a plan. She wanted to fix this, make it better. That’s how her brain worked. She couldn’t stand there and feel hopeless; she had to make sure everyone was OK. Yet, she felt glued to the spot. No plans were forming; no solution came to mind. What could she possibly do to fix this?
Her grandpa was gone, and she couldn’t bring him back. The whirlwind of emotions swirling around in her brain had destroyed her organized mind. Logistics had been thrown out the window. How could she bring him back? That’s the only plan she wanted to figure out.
‘She is sitting upstairs with him now. We wanted to give her a minute to pray by his side. And …’ Dad paused. ‘We wanted to tell you first and ask you if you wanted to see him. I’m sorry it’s not nice to have walked in here and found out like this but there didn’t exactly seem like a perfect moment or time. We wanted to give you the option before he was taken away.’
Sabrina didn’t want her grandpa to be taken away. Her breath caught at the thought. She wanted to see his smiling face and hear him talk about what he had learnt from the TV that day. ‘I don’t want him to go anywhere,’ she said, collapsing to the floor, her shoulders bouncing up and down as she sobbed uncontrollably. Mum reached over to her and embraced her, trying to ease the pain.
‘I know, honey, I know – you don’t have to see him if it’s too much. You keep hold of the memory of his smiling, cheeky face,’ Mum said, smoothing a hand over Sabrina’s hair.
‘I’d like to see him, if that’s OK?’ Louisa said. ‘But in a minute.’ Sabrina watched Louisa wrap her arms around herself, not knowing quite what to do or where to look. Her baby sister was brave. She wanted to see her grandpa herself, but she didn’t think she had it in her to see him in his current state.
‘Whenever you’re ready,’ Dad replied, taking her in his arms, unable to bear seeing his children look so distraught. ‘If you all decide you’d like to, we can go up together.’
***
Amanda couldn’t move. Even though she wanted to see her grandpa, she wasn’t sure she physically could. Her body felt weak; she felt sick to her stomach. What felt like hours passed by before, one by one, everyone stood up. Amanda watched them. No one was rushing her or forcing her to go, but in her heart she knew she wanted to see him and say goodbye.
It took all that she had within her to pull herself together and stand up. Her legs felt like lead. They were heavy and painful, causing her feet to shuffle across the carpet as she grabbed hold of Louisa’s hand. Silent tears were rolling down everyone’s cheeks as, hand in hand, they made their way to the stairs.
As the top of the landing came into sight, fear enveloped Amanda. Louisa gripped her hand tighter as they stepped back to let Mum and Dad go first. Amanda entered her grandparents’ room. Her eyes grew cloudy as tears prickled her eyelashes when she caught sight of Grandpa lying in his bed. He looked peaceful, like he was sleeping, all wrapped up in his blanket.
Sabrina sat on the edge of the bed next to their nanna, who was sat in her chair by Grandpa’s side. Mum and Dad stood each with a hand on Sabrina’s shoulders. Amanda couldn’t let go of Louisa’s hand. Her mind raced with images of Grandpa sitting up, turning to them all and saying hello. She might have been an adult, but in that moment she didn’t understand anything. She felt powerless. Why couldn’t she wake him?
With all the strength she could muster Amanda walked over to Nanna and hugged her tight before walking over to the bed to kiss Grandpa gently on his cold head. She whispered the words: ‘Thank you for everything,’ while her heart shattered into a million pieces. Her body began trembling as tears erupted from her, loud and aggressively. The pain was too much.
Mum grasped her tightly as Sabrina and Louisa followed suit, kissing Grandpa and stroking his forehead. When they were done, the three girls turned and fled from the room. It was too much seeing their dearest grandpa like this and they wanted to allow for Nanna and Mum to have some time with him too.
Amanda re-entered the cold living room and sat huddled up on the corner of the couch closest to the fireplace. She loved sitting by the fire. It brought with it so much warmth and comfort and memories of Grandpa telling stories as she and her sisters nibbled on Italy’s finest cakes. She let the memories play out in her mind, like a highlight reel, for a while.
***
The club was quaint, dark and dingy. Amanda felt it wouldn’t go amiss along the colourful San Francisco streets. Her black and gold buckled boots stuck to the floor with every odd step she took. She made her way to the front row and rested her elbows on the stage. When she saw the microphone stand a flurry of butterflies let loose in her stomach.
She looked to the clock. In ten minutes’ time her very best friend, whom she hadn’t seen in eight months, would be gracing the stage. She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face, making her ears blush. Suddenly feeling hot in her giant teddy bear coat, she unzipped herself and placed her coat between her and the stage edge.
She looked around noticing the small room was now packed and as people edged up closer to her, the hotter it got. Dan would have to forgive her sweaty state when she squeezed him to death after the show. Excitement bubbled in her. She couldn’t wait to see him – the man who had shown her around San Francisco and who was now on her home turf. Sabrina had set them up with a few gigs in Europe to test the markets and Amanda thought her sister a genius.
***
‘Oh my God, you guys were amazing,’ Amanda gushed at Levi, thumping him in the arm as he reached the spot where she was standing, in the now empty hall. He shoved her back softly before pulling her into a bear hug.
‘Look at you – you look gorgeous, as always. I’m so glad you could make it,’ he said, just about cracking one of her ribs in the process. James and Dylan had appeared next to him by the time he put her down.
‘Thanks, Levi. You guys look incredible too. It’s so good to see you,’ she said, hugging James and Dylan. ‘What do you think of home sweet home?’ she asked baring her pearly whites and waving her arms around the dimly lit room that housed a bar on one side. The barman had set up drinks for the boys and waved them over.
‘Well, we haven’t seen too much yet and we’re only here for a few days, but it looks pretty good so far,’ James replied, leading the way to the bar and the drinks. He picked up the one tall glass of red wine and handed it to Amanda before passing out the beers to the boys. She took her glass gratefully, smiling that the guys had thought to inform the barman of her drink.
‘We’d best make the most of the next few days then,’ she said. ‘I don’t care that you are big fancy rock stars now, I’m going to need you all to myself,’ she added with a playful grin.
‘Sounds good to me,’ came a warm raspy voice from behind her. Her grin grew wider and Amanda winked at Levi before turning to face Dan.
‘Ooh, aren’t the lead singers supposed to be the worst of the pack? So much ego with being front and centre all the time. Not all places in Manchester are built for such royalty, and boys …’ Amanda cocked her head back to glance at the rest of the band before locking eyes with Dan once more ‘… do you really think I can take this wild and crazy rock star home to meet my parents?’
She heard Levi, James and Dylan crack up behind her. Dan’s eyes twinkled under the low lights. She watched as his lips turned up into a cheeky smirk. He walked towards her with ease and calm, took the wineglass out of her hand and placed it back on the bar. Amanda stood watching his movements, chewing her bottom lip. She was trying not to crack up with laughter like the others, but she felt deliriously happy.
Just as she was about to open her mouth and tease Dan some more, he grabbed her around the waist, wrapping her up in his Versace scent, wet hair and solid frame. Amanda breathed him in. She couldn’t put a finger on what it was about this man, but he made her feel safe and like she could be her true self with him. Though she had been speaking to him via social networks since she left San Francisco, being in his presence again felt terribly good.
‘All right, all right,’ Amanda started, trying to push herself out of Dan’s strong grip, ‘always trying to be centre of attention.’ She smirked, then turned to pick up her wineglass and take a sip. ‘It’s nice to see you.’ She looked at Dan, who hadn’t taken his eyes off her.
‘Baby girl, it’s a lot more than “nice” to see you,’ he said, giving her his slow smile and collecting his own beer from the bar.
Dylan and James were now chatting amongst themselves. Levi, Amanda noticed, still had an eye trained on Dan, while also keeping up with what the others were discussing. She chuckled to herself how these boys knew each other like the backs of their hands. Dan was always watching over Levi, Levi always watching over Dan. They had that protective bond that came with being best friends since the age of three. They knew what was going on in each other’s lives, always. Levi had let Amanda in, but she was conscious of not stepping on his toes when it came to Dan. He was Levi’s best friend first and foremost.
‘You are right – it’s pretty fantastic to see you,’ she said, taking another sip of her wine and falling into conversation with Dan seamlessly, chatting about everything and nothing.
***
Amanda didn’t know why she felt nervous, but the palms of her hands were sweaty, and she had to blink back the dizziness as she looked at Dan and then turned the handle on her nanna and grandpa’s front door. Her family knew all about Dan. She had told them about him when she returned from San Francisco and they had occasionally popped on to Skype and waved a cheery hello to him, so it wasn’t like they were all complete strangers.
And really, it wasn’t a huge deal for them to like him. He was simply a friend, and with him living halfway across the world, it wasn’t like they had to see him all the time or put up with him and Amanda’s wild and crazy antics. She wasn’t a teenager any more either. Yet, her pulse was thumping rather loudly at being mere moments away from Grandpa meeting Dan in person.
The chatter in the living room drew closer but once Dan and Amanda came into view, the voices hushed. Louisa’s jaw dropped at the sight of him, which caused Amanda to laugh and her shoulders to drop slightly. Mum jumped up to greet him and instantly enveloped Dan in a hug. Dad stood tall, reaching out a hand in a very British hello.
Watching Nanna struggle to get up as fast as everyone else, Dan stepped over to her chair, leant down to her and gave a her a big hug and a kiss on the forehead while uttering the words ‘Ciao, bella.’ By this time Grandpa was standing and as Dan straightened up, both men came face to face. Grandpa’s eyes sparkled bright blue and his cheeks dimpled with a smile. They both stuck out a hand before stepping forward and embracing each other in a hug.
Amanda watched in awe before scooping up a biscotti from the table and plonking herself down on Nanna’s armrest, as she allowed complete happiness to wash over her.
Three hours later, she was walking with Dan back to her house. It was a fair walk from her grandparents’ house to her own but certainly doable. And this evening the fresh air was welcome. As Amanda breathed it in, she felt the pain of previous heartbreak lifting. There had been no tension and no awkwardness in Dan visiting her family. There had been no uneasy silences, no uninterested pauses, no yawning as Grandpa asked question after question or rattled off joke after joke. There had been none of that. In its place had been a natural stream of conversation, merry laughter and Amanda wasn’t entirely sure who had asked more questions: Grandpa or Dan.
‘Well, you’ve ruined me,’ she said to Dan, as they walked side by side down the cobbled street.
‘How so?’ Dan questioned, giving her a sideways glance. Amanda could see a hint of a smile playing at his lips, as they passed under a streetlamp.
‘Well, my next boyfriend is going to have to be Superman, like actually Superman,’ she said then paused, looking back up to Dan, who she noticed was now full-on smiling. ‘Why are you smiling? Are you about to tell me you are in fact Superman? Great, there’s no hope for me now then. I mean, Batman is no match for Superman. I guess I would be fine with Captain America. You couldn’t tell Sabrina and Louisa though – they have dibs on Chris Evans.’
She was aware she had started to ramble, but it felt good to be able to talk with no filter. In fact, it felt amazing. Tonight, had been a dream. After her last boyfriend, and his not so embracing attitude towards her family, tonight had felt truly special. Granted Dan was not her boyfriend but watching him with her family made her realize what she wanted, and she suddenly felt more confident in not settling for less.
‘I’m pretty sure Superman can’t just go around telling people he’s Superman, baby girl,’ Dan said, winking at her as they made their way to her front door.
Amanda searched his eyes before rummaging around her bag in search of her keys. ‘Oh, my goodness, you are Superman – I knew it,’ she muttered under her breath, making Dan laugh. They stepped inside, and Amanda immediately busied herself in the kitchen turning on the kettle, as Dan took off his shoes and wandered over to the CD player. ‘Well, Superman, if you could be so kind, next time you bump into Thor or Captain America can you put in a good word for me? I know you’re all on opposite teams but Batman does nothing for me and God of Thunder sounds incredibly manly,’ she shouted from the kitchen.
‘I’ll see what I can do,’ Dan said, as she joined him in the living room with a tray of tea and more biscuits, this time a classic British selection. There was no beating Italian cookies and cakes, but Amanda felt Dan needed the full British experience while he was in England too. He couldn’t possibly leave without having tried a custard cream or jammie dodger. ‘Grandpa is rather brilliant,’ Dan said, as he reached for a blanket and draped it over Amanda’s feet that were curled up close to his thighs.
Amanda took a sip of tea and wriggled her toes in thank you. ‘I think so too,’ she replied, ‘and I think Levi might have to be careful. It looked like Grandpa might want to steal his best friend.’ She laughed.
‘I don’t think Levi would mind – he could probably do with a break from me every once in a while.’ Dan shrugged, picking up his own cup of tea. Amanda watched him closely, taking in his floppy hair and broad chest. He definitely fit the Superman build.
‘Is that another one of Superman’s magical powers? That he can impress and fit in with any family seamlessly?’ Amanda asked, her tone a little less playful now and more serious.
‘I don’t think Superman would need to rely on magic when the family is so warm and inviting and feels like his own. There’s no need to put on airs and try to impress when everyone is able to relax and be themselves,’ Dan said, his voice soothing and now, too, more serious, having noted Amanda’s need to talk and get her thoughts out.
‘See, I want that, Dan. I want a boyfriend who can do all that you just did. Why is that so difficult to come by? It was like pulling teeth with Jason. He barely said a word to Grandpa, couldn’t eat a biscotti if his life depended on it, just to see Nanna happy – no, he couldn’t do any of it, couldn’t deal with the language barrier. It bored him.’ She was fiddling with the blanket now, flicking dustings of crumbs onto the carpet.
‘Hey, baby girl, it’s OK. Some men don’t realize a good thing when it’s in front of them. They’re too wrapped up in themselves to see what’s before their eyes. Your grandpa is a wealth of knowledge. Talking to him is fascinating. Your dad is a role model for any man and your nanna and mum are angels. Louisa too, she’s beautiful,’ Dan said, leaning forward and tousling her hair. ‘And Jason was a jerk – it’s not your fault. These are simply things we experience in order to understand ourselves better, to know what we want and what we don’t want. They help build our character. Look at how much you have grown since you broke up.’
Amanda finished her last sip of tea, allowing herself time to accept Dan’s words. ‘You’re right, as always,’ she said, snuggling further down into the blanket and resting her legs across Dan’s. ‘It’s just sometimes so hard to fathom that people can be so thoughtless and rude, but that’s my mistake and I’ve moved on.’
‘It’s not necessarily a mistake. We need those moments where our passions lead us down uncharted paths. It’s good for the soul to follow our wild side every now and again. Sometimes it can lead to beautiful things; other times not so much. You should not be scared to do so,’ Dan said. Amanda noticed he was uncharacteristically staring into his mug and not at her when he spoke.
‘I take it someone’s followed their wild side on more than one occasion?’ she asked with a hint of playfulness back in her tone, yet Dan didn’t look up. Amanda’s brow furrowed. ‘Or, someone has been too scared to follow his passion?’ she questioned, a little unsure of herself. It wasn’t like Dan to be scared. She watched as he quietly placed his mug on the table and picked up a jammie dodger.
‘Bit of an odd name for a biscuit huh?’ he replied, with a wink, before taking a bite. ‘It’s pretty good though,’ he added. Amanda felt a little taken aback by Dan’s lack of communication. They didn’t keep secrets; they told each other everything, or at least that’s what she thought, but Dan feared something, and he clearly didn’t want to open up about what it was.
However, Amanda knew all too well that asking questions wouldn’t help. He would come to her when he wanted, and she would be there for him, like he always was for her. Wrapped up in her cosy blanket and the tea having made her body nice and warm, she decided to change the subject, knowing Dan would appreciate it.
‘So, what did you and Grandpa get to talking about?’ Amanda queried, unable to stop herself. ‘Don’t think I didn’t notice you disappear off into the garden for a good thirty minutes.’ She nudged Dan’s thigh with her toes.
‘Ah, I see, you can’t bear to be without me for more than ten minutes, can you?’ Dan said, as he casually brushed a hand through his hair and leant back into the settee. Amanda simply stuck her tongue out in jest, coming up with nothing to argue the fact. ‘That’s for me to know and for you to find out,’ Dan finished, as he surveyed the plate of biscuits. This time he chose a chocolate bourbon, which made Amanda smile – that was her favourite.
‘What are we? Five?’ She chuckled, helping herself to another chocolate bourbon. As she took a bite, Dan tickled her feet, causing her to shoot up on the settee, waving her hands frantically to get him to stop. Her bourbon biscuit was sent flying across the room. ‘Dan,’ she yelled, ‘don’t do that,’ but Dan didn’t seem to hear her. Her usually sophisticated friend had turned into a five-year-old in a matter of minutes and she was no match for his thick legs and strong arms.
***
Amanda’s mind had drifted back to the day Dan had met Grandpa. It had been perfect. Seeing Dan and her grandpa get on and have their own little bromance had melted her heart. She hadn’t been able to put a finger on it at the time but looking back she understood that those small moments with Dan, those faint signs of butterflies in her stomach, they had led to the unusual feelings she was currently having for Dan. But she buried them deep as the cold made her shiver. The fireplace was void of any roaring fire. No one had put it on this evening: that was Grandpa’s job. In its place was just a miserable pile of black and dusty coal.
Her lips wobbled as her ears pricked up to the noises around her. She wasn’t quite certain how long she had been staring into the cold empty coals, but the stories it evoked were getting too much. Dan was supposed to see Grandpa again. Amanda took in a ragged breath.
She had heard Mum and Louisa go out for a walk a little while ago. Mum had said she needed the fresh air and Louisa couldn’t stand being in the house without Grandpa. Dad, Nanna and Sabrina were in the kitchen. She could hear them faintly, chatting over cups of coffee. With wobbling legs, she stood up taking the couch throw with her, in search of the phone. She didn’t have to search long as she found it on the table in the hallway, where Mum had been when she broke the news.
Picking it up she sat at the bottom of the stairs and wrapped the blanket round her legs while she leant against the wall. She glared at the phone for a second, her fingers trembling. The thought of breaking Dan’s heart with this news made her feel queasy, but he needed to know, and she needed him. She needed her best friend, her best friend who would know exactly what to say and do to make the world complete again. Though it was that needing him that over the past few months had started to scare her silly, she dialled Dan’s number.
After four rings, he answered, drums crashing in the background.
‘What’s up, baby girl? It’s been a while.’ The all too familiar raspy voice enveloped Amanda with warmth – a warmth that made the tears fall hard and heavy once again.
‘Amanda, Amanda, what’s wrong?’ Dan’s usually calm voice was now filled with concern. It pained Amanda, as she encouraged the words to come out of her mouth. She didn’t want him to worry about her. ‘You have to tell me what’s wrong. Are you OK?’ She heard him turn to the others and yell at them to stop all the noise. Dan didn’t yell.
‘Dan, Dan, he’s gone,’ she whispered into the phone, the tears still streaming, making her cough with their salty taste. She tugged at the blanket. The drums went quiet. She knew Dan must be busy with rehearsal, but he stayed with her. Amanda clutched the phone tight to her ear. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, but they didn’t need to. Dan let her grieve, not rushing her to speak or answer questions. He simply waited. He would always wait.
‘It doesn’t seem real,’ Amanda said, her words cracking as she finally spoke.
‘Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ Dan said. He was sniffling; he was crying too but trying to be strong for her. He was doing a better job of it than she had done for her mum and sisters. ‘I will be there in two days, OK?’
Amanda was quiet, trying her best to calm her breathing and listen to Dan’s words. Once they registered, she surprised herself by laughing through her sobs. She sat up, uncurling her back. ‘Don’t be daft – you’re busy. Sabrina was telling me you guys have so much to do before the album releases.’
‘You’re the one being daft if you think I’m going to stay away,’ Dan said, a little of his calmness back in check.
‘Dan, it’s OK. Really. I imagine it will only be a couple of days before we head to Italy, so it’s OK, really it is.’ Mum and the girls had talked about what would happen when either nonni passed, just to be prepared. Right now, Amanda felt as though she was far from prepared. Their nonni wanted to go back to Italy and they had all agreed. It would be a busy few days, but Amanda would see the plan through and make sure her grandpa got his wish.
Though hearing Dan’s voice had lightened her heavy heart somewhat, him being next to her was what she needed most, but she couldn’t allow that. He was busy. She couldn’t cry on his shoulder day after day when he had a band to worry about and his own family to think about. It wasn’t fair.
‘Hey,’ Dan whispered softly, ‘be with your family now, baby girl. Go and sit with Nanna and laugh, just laugh and fill that house with memories of your grandpa. I know it will be hard but his memory lives through you now. He’s still there – you know he’s still there. You know how stubborn he is. He won’t ever leave you and I will be with you soon.’ Dan’s words caused Amanda to chuckle again. He was right, of course. Dan was always right. ‘And if you need me you call me, day or night; you just call me, OK?’
‘How are you always right?’ Amanda replied. Her heart rate quickened as Dan’s gentle laugh filled the line. She didn’t want him to go but she needed to be with her family; she needed to be strong for them. ‘I’ll talk to you soon, OK? And thank you, Dan, thank you.’
‘Love you, baby girl.’
***
The heavens had opened as Louisa frantically grabbed at her portfolio of designs, trying to keep it under the umbrella that was doing its utmost to escape her firm grip. A car whizzed past grazing the puddles that lined the pavement. She let out a sigh of relief. She needed to make the next bus before the weather grew worse. She quickened her pace as a strong gust of wind sent her umbrella twirling through the air. In the very same moment, a car flew past with no concern for pedestrians and sent a wave of water over her, soaking her and her precious portfolio through. It was just her luck today.
By the time she walked through the door of her student accommodation, Louisa was drenched, her work ruined and her heart heavy. Throwing her dripping shoes and sodden bags to the side she went in search of food. She was starved. The fridge bore nothing, and her stomach grumbled with disapproval. Grabbing the only thing she could find, a banana, she made her way to the couch and sunk into it, just as her phone beeped with a text.
‘Grandpa just wanted to say hello and see how your exam went today? Love Mum.’ Louisa read the text and promptly burst into tears. How could she let Grandpa down? The exam had been awful. She had messed everything up. She was behind on coursework and was coming up empty on inspiration. This wasn’t the life she had envisioned when she thought about moving to London.
When starting up her course in fashion at London College of Fashion at King’s Cross, she had dreamed big. She had chosen London because she wanted to immerse herself in the fashion industry and London offered it all. Not only was the course fantastic but the fashion scene in London was incredible as well. From bloggers, to agencies, to fashion week, the opportunities were endless.
But here she was six months later, struggling to meet the demands of the course and missing home terribly. She placed the banana on the coffee table, suddenly not feeling very hungry. Glancing at her phone, she noticed she had a bunch of notifications. Scrolling through absent-mindedly she paused on her sister Sabrina’s latest Instagram photo. She wore a gorgeous sleek black skater dress and her barely there make-up made her look like an immaculate doll.
Louisa hated the tug of jealousy that she felt. Sabrina had it all and she hadn’t even been able to score one fashion event or get one A since she’d been in London. Furthermore, she had failed miserably in keeping to her word and visiting home, and it was only two hours away. Fiddling with her wet hair with one hand and giving her sister’s picture a like with the other, she took a deep breath in and went in search of her suitcases.
***
Louisa had been there with Grandpa when the coroner came to take him away. She had stood motionless, unable to speak, unable to move. Her mind was grateful that he hadn’t suffered and that he had been able to go the way he did. At ninety-six she couldn’t be selfish and complain that she hadn’t had enough time with him. Yet her heart argued that she could complain. It wanted to scream to the heavens; it wanted to bring her grandpa back. Her heart wasn’t as selfless as her brain. She wanted more time. Though she saw her grandpa every day, it still hadn’t been enough.
After she collapsed for the second time against the wall, Mum suggested that they get some air. They were now both wrapped up in Grandpa’s heavy outdoor coats, the ones he sometimes used to do the gardening in when it was icy out. They were taking a walk around the block.
The sky was a rich, inky black, the air causing her warm skin to cool at its icy touch. As the wind whipped around her face, Louisa began to feel her mind ease. She could see the stars twinkling above and naturally looked out for the brightest one.
‘He’s not gone far.’ Mum spoke softly, her gaze too on the brightest gold star above. ‘Not really. We can talk to him every day.’
‘You know I will, Mum,’ Louisa said, with pause. ‘Mum? Do you think he was proud of me? I mean, I didn’t finish uni and he didn’t get to see me have a proper job like Amanda and Sabrina. Do you think he was disappointed in me?’ Small sobs seeped out as Louisa spoke.
Mum stopped walking and turned to face her youngest daughter. ‘Oh, sweetheart, of course he was proud of you. Don’t you ever think otherwise. He adored you and loved that you gave London a go. He was proud of you for trying it and for taking a chance. And, honey, you know he was elated when you came back. My goodness, he wouldn’t have said it for fear of stopping you going after your dreams, but having you back at home made him happier than any degree you could have gotten. Selfish or not, sweetheart, he loved getting to spend time with you each day. He couldn’t have been prouder of the women you all grew to be. The love you have for him and the family – oh he never stopped talking about you.’
Louisa’s eyes were blurry, tears filling up at an alarming speed, a mixture of happy tears flowing with the sad ones. She reached her arms around her mum’s neck and hugged her tight, words having escaped her. She thought about all the designs she and her grandpa had come up with and all his favourites and wondered what on earth she was supposed to do without her biggest muse. The tears wouldn’t stop.
Mum rubbed her back before stepping back and looking Louisa straight in the eyes. ‘Sweetheart, he treasured every moment you spent together and loved being a part of your life. Every day I’d hear about a sketch you had drawn and even when you weren’t there he was making notes of some design or clothing someone wore on TV that he thought you might like. Honey, you are amazing, and he knew that and believed it with all he had.’ She paused, rubbing Louisa’s arms. ‘Come on, let’s get back inside – it’s getting a bit nippy,’ Mum added, giving Louisa a tight squeeze. She stayed like that for a few moments before leading the way back to the house.
Louisa rested her head on her mum’s shoulder as they walked back towards the house. The roads were peaceful now. Only a few cars raced by while they walked. The fresh air was bringing back feeling to Louisa’s numb bones. With every step came a stab of pain. Tears came and went as she thought happy thoughts in between the sad ones. She thought about how she needed to get her designs out into the world and make her grandpa proud and she thought about his voice, his smile and his hugs and how much she needed them. The mixture of emotions was torture. They walked back into the house and found Amanda sitting on the stairs.
‘Hey,’ Amanda said, standing to greet them. Louisa noticed she looked a little pale and her smile was forced. ‘Fancy helping me in the kitchen?’ she asked Louisa.
Louisa appreciated her sister’s efforts and smiled broadly, knowing what her sister was thinking. ‘Sure, I think it’s what everyone needs right now,’ Louisa replied, taking off Grandpa’s jacket and abandoning her thoughts for a little while. She needed the break.
Sabrina and Nanna were huddled around the kitchen table, staring into their coffee mugs, while their dad was keeping busy refilling the kettle. Louisa walked over to their dad and took over making coffee.
‘Dad, do you want to take Mum and Nanna into the living room and get the fire on?’ she asked, gently taking the kettle from his shaking hands.
‘Course I can, sweetheart, thank you,’ he replied, kissing her forehead.
Louisa was used to her grandparents’ house being full of warmth, love and laughter, as it had been just yesterday. She took a deep breath, with no energy left for any more tears, and knew what Grandpa would do in this situation to make everything a little better. She had to keep him with her and she knew exactly what that meant. It seemed so did Amanda.
Louisa grabbed Sabrina by the hand and pulled her to her feet. She passed her the chopping board and a tomato and hugged her tight. Giving Sabrina a task would help distract her and keep her busy. She then set about collecting a pan and joining Amanda in getting together all the other ingredients they needed to make her favourite pastina. Grandpa had fed this to her way before she ever got her first tooth. It was comfort food at its finest.
Side by side the girls chopped tomatoes and celery, boiled the water and added the seasonings, before sprinkling in handfuls of the tiny pasta to the water to let it cook. In no time, the simple dish was ready. Louisa gathered up bowls, while Amanda added a plate of toast to the tray and Sabrina carried the coffee into the living room.
Louisa sat cross-legged by the coffee table, placing her bowl of steaming hot pastina in front of her. For a few moments, no one spoke. She stared into the steam, willing her moments of strength she had had in the kitchen to continue. She looked around the room and as the aroma of fresh celery, cherry tomatoes and Dialbrodo filled the room, Louisa could see grateful smiles form on everyone’s faces.
It was too much. Her strength vanished as pools of tears gathered in her eyes. His face was missing – his kind, soft, always grateful face was missing from the bunch. She curled her toes underneath her and with shaking hands picked up her spoon. She didn’t want her nanna to see her tears. She wanted to be strong for everyone.
She closed her eyes, sniffed and placed a spoonful of the baby pasta in her mouth. The buttery flavour and slight crunch of the celery satisfied her taste buds. A small smile appeared on her face as she recalled how her grandpa had made her pastina a million times, probably, over the years. It was still her favourite.
She looked up to see colour was rising back into her nanna’s cheeks and Dad was filling up Mum’s bowl with some more soup. The fireplace now boasted golden flames that were keeping them all nice and toasty, but not too toasty, of course; heeding Grandpa’s words, they were careful not to roast.