Boyfriend.
I have a boyfriend. Not just any boyfriend. Lucas DeCosta is my boyfriend. He’s sexy as hell, sweet as pie, and I think I might be falling in love with him. This was so not the plan. I’m supposed to be working on my career, building my own future that isn’t dependent on a man.
Except, when I think of Lucas, it isn’t about independence or being dependent. It’s about happiness. And horniness. Goddamn, I’m so fucking horny.
I thought when Lucas left me standing in my doorway after telling me he wanted us to get to know each other again, we would go out a few times and finally have sex. I haven’t seen him since that day. Well, I’ve seen him on video chat, and while that’s great because I get to see his face as he says all these amazing things, I want to see him. To touch him. I miss him.
How is that possible? How do I miss someone who has been out of my life for years only to reappear a few months ago? But I do. I miss the way he looks at me, the touch of his hand on my leg, and the way his lips feel on mine.
As much as I hate to admit it, he was right. We weren’t ready. I mean, I was ready in more ways than one and made Sven my bitch that night and a few since then, but emotionally we weren’t ready. Since then, we’ve talked and talked. We’ve built something real, something with a foundation.
Lucas has quickly become one of my best friends. He makes me laugh, and he laughs with me. He is interested in my days, and while I doubt he thinks organizing the wedding of two dogs is riveting, you’d never know it by the way he listens. Talking to him at the end of each night, both of us lying in our beds, is the highlight of my day.
Tonight, when he called me on video chat I almost didn’t answer. I look a hot mess and didn’t want him to see me this way. That’s how the old Whitney would have responded. I would never have let Trenton see me like this, hair piled on my head, glasses on instead of contacts, and what I assume is a grease stain on my shirt. Lucas doesn’t see any of that and honestly, I don’t think Trenton would have either. I spent so much time chasing perfection, I missed out on being me.
“Girl, I need to go out tonight. I’m so over this school bullshit,” Jessi says as she throws herself on my bed. “Ugh, I know that look. It’s the ‘I’m in love and you’re not, Jessi’ faraway look. You must have just talked to Luke.”
“I did. We, umm . . . well, we made it official. I think. I mean, he called himself my boyfriend.”
“Oh, Whit, I’m so happy for you. A little jealous but totally fucking happy.”
“Thanks. I am too. I think, well, I think I love him, Jess.” Saying those words should scare me. It’s too soon, and it’s too much, but I can’t help myself.
“Oh, sweetie, it’s cute how you’re finally realizing that.”
I grab the decorative pillow next to me and smack her on the head. Laughter bubbles up from her before she bolts up to a sitting position.
“We need to go to the club tonight.”
“No way. I am not going there. I like to live my life like an ostrich and pretend he doesn’t work there, thank you very much.”
“Come on. He’s your boyfriend. You love him. It’s totally fine. It’s no different than when I was dating that bartender and we used to go to the bar for free drinks. Come on. I could use a night out and you haven’t seen your boyfriend in weeks. Don’t be a downer.”
This is the part where I follow my gut. I say absolutely not. I hold my ground. I refuse to give in to her demands, her big blue eyes with fluttering lashes, and that pouty lip. If only I listened to my gut more often.
“Fine, but we aren’t staying long.”
I knew when I pulled on my tight black jeans and slipped my feet in these pumps this was a bad idea. When Jessi called the Uber and I threw back two shots of tequila, I told her we should go anywhere but the club.
Yet, here I am. Standing in front of the same woman in the strange foyer with the bright light who was working the night I reconnected with Lucas. That’s what I call that weekend. It isn’t the weekend I caught Trenton with Eliza or the weekend I should consider the worst of my life. I refuse to taint what has ended up being my greatest blessing, having Lucas in my life.
“Come on, let’s go to the bar,” Jessi shouts as she drags me through the room to the bar. The place is packed, and I see quite a few larger parties. One woman is wearing a penis on her head so I assume it’s a bachelorette party. The stage has glitter on it, which tells me we’ve missed some of the show already. Thank goodness.
“Jess, this is a bad idea. I need to go,” I tell her when we reach the bar.
“Thirty minutes. Come on, let me see a little ass before we go somewhere else. Plus, don’t you want to see Luke?”
Nodding, I accept the drink she offers and take a tentative sip since I’m not sure what it is. Sweet and tart, I hardly taste the tequila until it hits the back of my throat. The slow burn as it hits my belly reminds me I haven’t eaten much tonight.
“I need food.”
The bartender must hear me because he slides a fresh bowl of popcorn from behind the bar, and I shoot him a grateful smile. Jessi nods, which tells me we’ll go somewhere with food when we leave here. Looking around, I’m seeing this place through new eyes. When we were here last, I was drunk and angry. And slightly embarrassed that my friends brought me here. Now, I see the women in the room laughing and dancing in their seats. The same eighties music fills the room, and I catch myself shaking my hips a little to the beat.
“Should we see if there are seats?” Jessi asks, and I nod in agreement. The downside to kickass stilettos is my inability to stand around aimlessly. My feet are not made for that.
We make our way through the crowd to a table that appears to have an empty seat. Jessi leans down and asks one of the women at the table something as she points to the chair. The woman smiles and shakes her head no.
“That’s for us. Sit and I’ll try to find another chair,” she says before thrusting her glass in my hand. Accepting her drink, I set both glasses on the table as I take the empty seat. Shooting the woman a grateful smile, she nods in response before turning her attention back to her friend as she glances at the stage.
The lights flicker before the room goes dark. I look around to see if Jessi is coming but don’t see her before the room goes black and a series of spotlights in various colors light the stage. A loud boom startles many of us in the audience, and I laugh as I bring my glass to my lips for a sip.
I feel him before I see him. Lucas steps on stage and for a minute I forget who he is, not only in life but to me. Right now he’s mesmerizing as he dances. The girlfriend in me is filled with excitement and lust as he twists his legs and slowly rotates his hips. Images of him above me moving his naked body like that flash through my mind, and I take a bigger drink from my glass. I need to make that visual a reality.
I continue watching as the other guys join him on the stage. They never move to the foreground, instead they support him in the background. Lucas captivates the audience. Women hoot and holler as he dances. It dawns on me that each woman here is probably imagining him like I was moments ago. Conflicted, I’m not sure if I’m jealous or slightly cocky, knowing he’ll be coming home to me tonight. I suppose, a little of both.
When a chair is placed in front of him, a jolt of uneasiness hits me hard. I’ve sat in that chair. I know what’s coming. Yet, I can’t look away. A bride is escorted to the stage, just like I was a few months ago. She takes her spot, and I sit and watch as my boyfriend, the man I realized a few hours ago I’m falling in love with, dances for her. I watch as his cock thrusts in front of her face, she lifts her hands to him, never touching but wanting to.
His shirt lifts slowly from his torso and I scoot the chair back, standing quickly. I don’t move for a beat, then two. Watching. Seething. My heart beating out of my chest. When he bends down, his lips close to her neck and rising to her ear, it’s more than I can handle. My heart shatters. Tears fill my eyes. I knew I shouldn’t have come here. This was a mistake. Seeing him makes me miss him more, my heart aches with a need to touch him. To feel him and be with him. Only now, my heart lies at my feet in a million pieces as a reminder that this is what he does each night he works; a scene like this plays out.
As much as I’ve pretended this wasn’t part of who we are, what we’re building, it is. It is so much a part of who he is, and not for the first time, I know it isn’t something I can handle. I’m not strong enough. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.
Walking away from the table, I’m close to the entrance when I see Jessi. The moment she catches my eye, I wipe the tears that have fallen. She’s at my side and walking me out of the building immediately. Her apologies surround me, but it’s only the sounds of my heart breaking that I hear.