The Matchmaker
I could tell you that the first thing I noticed about the boys next door was that they were nice, but that would be a lie. The truth is I’d locked onto the scent of their hamburger buns toasting on the grill. It was that smell that got me up onto the wall to take a peek at the goings-on over there. To be clear, I really love bread so not jumping over the wall to steal a bun was a feat in and of itself. Mommy didn’t know it, but while the big house next door was being built, sometimes I’d sneak over and steal things from the workers. So yeah, I wanted to go over a steal a bun, but I held myself back. Instead of doing that I listened and paid attention.
For the first few minutes, I was confused because I could only understand about half of what they were said. Then I realized they were going back and forth between English and another language. I don’t understand anything that isn’t bird or English, so I had to study their body language. The one man smiled and told a lot of jokes, but the other one was slower to smile.
The smiling one reminded me of my other human, Kaya. She came to take care of me whenever Mommy had to go to a place she called work. Kaya was my second favorite person, almost as good as my Mommy. She never forgot I was there and she talked to me a lot. Not like the gross Elliot-troll who moved into my house and treated it like it was his. Sometimes when my mom wasn’t around, he called me names like a-hole and poop for brains. I got back at him by pooping on his weird car with the strange paint that I could see myself in. When I pooped on the car, I made sure not to get it on the side where I liked to stare at myself because I’m something to look at. I don’t want to brag, but I’m quite handsome. Mommy and Kaya both say I am, so you know it’s true.
I hated Elliot, plain and simple. Mommy deserved the best, and he wasn’t it. A lot of men are mean and stupid—but not the two on the other side of the wall who talked to each other nicely and never yelled at all. I knew right away the smiling one would be good for Kaya, but I needed to study the other one to make sure he was right for Mommy. He made it easy to do because he spent a lot of time outside late at night.
I quickly realized he did a lot of things that my mom did. He liked the quiet and the outdoors, which was tops. Each night he would sit outside for hours at a time looking at one of those tablet things Mommy talked to me from when she went away to the work place. When she’s home, she likes to sit outside with her tablet thing too, doing what she calls binge reading. I love the binge reading because we can snuggle together on the lounger for hours and hours.
Other than my people, I’d never seen anyone else spend as much time outside as the guy next door. It seemed like he was just waiting for Mommy and me to get over there and join him. The lonelier he looked, the more confident I was that he needed the two of us.
I particularly liked the way he took a small bowl of nuts or fruit out with him to munch on while he read. Everything I’d ever thought about what I wanted in a daddy, the guy next door did. A lot of outdoor time, no yelling, snacks and he didn’t stay on his phone all day like Elliot the troll. Also unlike the troll, the guy next door was kind even when he thought no one else was around to see or when people were working around him. He didn’t treat people badly just because he felt like it.
The troll liked to curse at people a lot, which bothered me. He cursed on his phone, he cursed at the nice family who mowed my lawn, and he even cursed at Vicky, Mommy’s friend who snuck me a piece of warm bread when she cleaned and ran the loud machine over the floors in our house. The troll knew better than to yell at Kaya, even though I sometimes wished he would. One cross word at Kaya or me when Mommy was around, and he would’ve been booted right out the door. The troll was stupid, but not that stupid.
I watched and watched the man next door and the more I watched, the surer I was. He was it. Mommy would be safe and happy with him. The day I decided it was time to make contact with the neighbors, the man I wanted to be my dad did it first. I watched from my perch on the wall as he took a bag of food and set it down on top of a blue bin. Mommy called those bins trash, but I found some delicious not-trash things in them. She tried to be careful to close the top on the bins so I wouldn’t get inside, but sometimes she would forget, and I’d find yummy things. The guy next door didn’t even put the trash in the can! He just laid it on top, like an offering just for me. I figured he knew I’d been watching him and he wanted to make friends. Smart. I always came for food.
I looked back over my shoulder at Kaya and got even more excited when I saw that she was asleep. Yes, I thought. My plan was coming together. I’d hop on over, eat some treasure, introduce myself to the boys and call for Kaya to come over. It would be like taking toys from a baby, which I knew was easy because I’d done it. Babies don’t protect their toys at all. I stopped stealing toys from the one next door at my old house when I realized he was never going to do a better job of hiding them.
So there I was, minding my own business and lured over by a whiff of the trash. I loved eggs and blueberries, and I could smell plenty of both. No sign of bread, but I knew Kaya would give me a nice warm piece later in the day. Digging into the bag I pecked up a few good beaks full as I waited for my dad to say hi, but he didn’t. Bored with the food, I started tapping on the window above the bins. When I got no answer, I walked around to the back of the house to the door I saw my future dad walking in and out of. Through the glass, I could see him in his giant human roost, a mess of pillows and blankets around him. I started dancing back and forth when I saw that there was room in his roost for my mom and me. She’d fit right in there and I’d be able to sneak on, too!
I looked around and got a really good look at the yard. Mommy made our outdoor area beautiful with all the flowers and plants she took care of, but Daddy’s space was bigger, which meant they’d have more room to play with me. I just knew my mom could make it even nicer than it already was. I had to calm myself down because I was getting overexcited. One thing at a time, I’d reminded myself.
The only thing that didn’t go according to my plan that day was that dad didn’t meet me at the trash before he went to sleep. It was kind of silly of him to set out the trash to invite me over only to go to his roost. I figured maybe he was just forgetful. Sometimes when Mommy got tired and went to her roost, she’d forget things in the yard. Those things all went up into one of my two roosts—the one I slept in when mom was home and the one I went to when Kaya was watching me. Sometimes Mommy would ask me for the things later, but I’d just act like I didn’t know what she was talking about because I liked having her things in my roost.
I peck, peck, pecked on the glass at dads door a bunch of times to get him to wake up. When that didn’t work, I yelled a few times to get his attention. When he opened one eye and looked out the window, I pecked at the window again excitedly to let him know I wanted to play. He jumped up out of his roost so fast that he fell on the floor. I yelled louder to let him know I thought he was funny. That’s when I heard Kaya calling for me from my house. I ran back to the trash bin and hopped up on it, yelling over so Kaya could hear me better. Since I was already there and the food smelled so good, I ate a few more bites. When the window over the trash bin opened and I saw Dad, I started yelling for him to come out. I could hear Kaya calling out behind me on our side of the wall, but I was busy looking at Daddy. I yelled back toward my house so that Kaya could hear that I wanted her to come to the neighbors. Things would be so much easier if my humans spoke bird.
I pecked harder when Daddy picked up his phone and started talking, pointing and gesturing at me as he did. Jumping down from the trash bin I went back to his bedroom door and tapped on the glass with my beak. He needed to put that thing down and talk to me. I took a few steps back and started dancing, singing a new song I was making up just for him.
I turned back when dads door swung open, and he jumped over me. “Listen, little man,” he asked as he took several steps back with his hands up.
My heart almost burst with excitement. He’d called me little man! Mommy and Kaya called me little man, too. It was definitely a sign that he was meant to be part of my family. Things were working out perfectly.
His eyes widened when I fanned out my feathers in greeting. Mommy and Kaya said my feathers were the most handsome, which meant Daddy was sure to be impressed.
He took another two steps back, letting out a loud sound when he came up against a potted plant.
“Cristo!” he yelled.
He was so excited he couldn’t contain himself! I yelled back as I shook my feathers to impress him even more.
When he turned and started to run, I knew he got it. I loved to chase Mommy the most. Now I had a Daddy to chase, too!
He was faster than Mommy as he streaked through the yard. I was almost as quick, but not quite. I made a mental note to do a little more running. I went Mommy speed, but I needed to up my game.
That was okay. Daddy and I would have plenty of time to work out together. I’d get him trained up just right before Mommy came back from that work place and then we’d all live together like a family was supposed to.