Barbie

I walked all night. The road kept going up and each hill I crested showed me another I needed to climb, while hiding the ocean from me. So I kept climbing the hills, kept hoping the next one will show me the ocean.

The whole thing was kinda like my life so far. I keep climbing hill after hill, only to be disappointed when I get to the top, only to see another one I still have to climb, only to end up right at the beginning once I do. Except the hills in my life are actually men.

On this last hill I just climbed, I found the sea. It’s just a splash of blue on the horizon, rippling in this half-light of dawn, and way too far to walk to. And that’s very much like meeting Ice, the man I know is the love of my life. But he’s gone now, impossible for me to reach. Hell, I can’t even watch him from a distance, the way I can watch the ocean right now.

I used to get sad when I was younger, while I was growing up with a junkie for a mom, a stepdad who started fucking me before I even knew what sex was, and a grandma who couldn’t do anything about any of it. But then, I decided that being sad gets you nowhere. It doesn’t get you out of bed in the morning, and it makes it hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other even if you do.

I wish I’d told Ice that. I wish I could’ve made him believe it. I didn’t though and now he’s gone, and I wish I could hate him. Hell, I wish I could at least be angry with him. But I’m just sad.

It’s OK though, I’ll just sleep. My legs and my feet are killing me from all that walking. When I wake up, the sun will be up and I’ll see the ocean more clearly. I made it here, with little help from a man. After my baby died I slept for weeks, like a butterfly sleeps in its cocoon before it becomes the most beautiful and delicate thing in the world. I’ll sleep, and then I’ll get up and go on. Just like I’ve always done.

* * *

Ice

Falling asleep was hard, but waking up is harder. I reached for her before I even opened my eyes, because I’m so used to having her by my side, and because the first thought in my brain when I regained awareness in the mornings was the need to touch her.

That need is burning through me worse than a forest fire as I realize she’s gone.

My reasons for leaving her last night are still solid, still the insurmountable mountains they were from the start, still as immovable.

But my need to have her with me right now is a raging fire.

Waking up in that cell they kept me locked up in was easier than this. Even after all hope of ever getting free was swallowed up by the black nothingness, and each morning was just a fresh reminder of the hopelessness of it all. I wish the black nothingness would come back now. But the fire’s too bright. And too hot.

I didn’t undress before getting into bed last night, so I just get up and leave the room. I have to get moving, go do something, anything, but be alone with my thoughts.

I was alone with my thoughts for so fucking long, it became the only thing I knew. But then she came with all her talking, and all her perfect things to say. I can’t be alone with these new thoughts, can’t be alone with memories of her, I’ll lose what’s left of my mind if I try.

“Where’s the woman?” Cross asks. Him and Roxie are standing at the foot of the stairs. They just had breakfast, probably, and now she’s going to rest, because I’m pretty sure she’s about to have the baby any day now. At least I hope she needs to go lie down. Because I don’t want to talk.

“I let her go,” I say, but that’s a lie. I’ll never let her go. But I had to set her free.

“I left her at the Saloon,” I elaborate as I descend the stairs, since they’re both looking at me for more of an explanation. “I pissed her off pretty bad, so it’s more than likely she’ll find that old boyfriend of hers and get back with him on her own. Either way, she’s not your problem anymore.”

It’s making me sick saying that, and makes me see red imagining it. That was my plan and I carried it out and now it’s done. She’s not coming back. But I hope to hell she never gets back with that abusive motherfucker I took her from.

“I’ll get in touch with him and meet him somewhere, so we can talk this out just to make sure everything is squared away now,” I add as I join them in the hall.

They’re both looking at me like they’re seeing me for the first time, especially Roxie, and I hate it when she looks at me like that. She’s been doing it a lot though, most of the fucking time actually, since I’ve been back.

“I can’t let you do that on your own, Ice,” Cross says. “They’ll kill you for what you did.”

“You don’t command me, Cross,” I say harshly. “This is my choice and my decision.”

“Ice, you can’t,” Roxie says, her voice all shaky like she’s about to start crying. She used to do a lot of that, always was volatile with tears as far back as I can remember, but it has no effect on me anymore. The fire’s burned out. Now there’s just hot, angry ash left. Once that cools off, there’ll be nothing left.

“I was so happy when you came back with a woman,” Roxie says. “And she seemed so good for you.”

“Come on, Rox, let’s not lie to each other now. You thought she was trash from the second you saw her,” I snap, ignoring Cross’ black look. She was my sister before she was his old lady, so I’ll have none of his “I’m her old man” protectiveness over her now.

“Fine, Brandon, yeah, I judged her based on how she was dressed,” Roxie says angrily, because she’s never needed anyone to fight her battles. “But then I spoke to her, and I saw that what you two had was real. I believed her when she spoke about loving you and you loving her. So just stop, Ice, just stop rushing off into destruction, when so many people want you to live. Don’t fight the good just because you can’t stop seeing the bad. It’s done, it’s in the past, let it go. Please.”

“It’s not in the past, Roxie, it’s all there is,” I say. “I’m glad you could let go of the past, but there’s no going back for me.”

“So go forward,” she interjects.

“Listen to your sister, Ice,” Cross says, and if he’s mocking Roxie’s woman logic, I can’t hear it in his voice. “We’re all here for you.”

I could say more, could explain all the ways in which what they’re asking me to do is impossible. I have no heart left. What remained of it, I left with Barbie at that bar. It wasn’t much, but it was something, and it was all hers, because she’s the one who found it after I was sure there wasn’t anything to find.

I could explain all that to them, but what’s the point?

Roxie suddenly grabs her stomach and grunts in pain.

“What’s wrong?” Cross asks in alarm and despite the frost in my chest, my heart’s beating very fast in fear too. Roxie’s face is all contorted like she’s in a lot of pain.

“It’s happening, I think,” she says through gritted teeth. “Our son is coming, get Doc.”

Cross rushes off to do that, and she grabs hold of my arm.

“Stop fighting, Ice, you don’t need to fight anymore,” she says in a quiet voice, then grimaces again and exhales sharply.

“I need you, your nephew needs you, that girl needs you, and you need you,” she continues once she recovers again. “What’s done is done, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss Dad and everyone. Not a day went by that I didn’t miss you, but now you’re back. So please, be back. Stay. Don’t make me miss you again.”

Her face contorts again and she’s gripping my arm so hard her fingers are cutting off the circulation to my hand. Beads of sweat are erupting on her forehead, so I reach into my pocket to get the bandana the Devils gave me to hide my face during the jobs we did together, and that I never used. But as I do, my finger catches on the sharp edge of the broken half heart pendant Barbie made me take. Even my sister’s very obvious extreme pain fades as the memory of that night erupts in my mind. Barbie gave me her heart that night. Despite seeing who I really am, despite me pushing her away. And she didn’t take it back last night.

I’m an idiot for chasing her away. She’s the best thing I’ve ever gotten in my life, both before Lizard and certainly after. Don’t know why I needed my sister yelling at me to finally see this, but then again, I’ve always been slow on the uptake.

I can’t say anything, because things are finally falling into their right place in my brain. Or maybe they’ve been in the right place for awhile now, and just the blackness is lifting from my mind, because I haven’t seen things this clearly in a long time. I need to get Barbie back.

Cross and Doc are rushing towards us and I get her to release my arm.

“You’re in good hands now, Roxie,” I say as I hand her over to Cross.

“How are you feeling?” Doc asks her.

She gives him a crooked smile, her teeth firmly gritted together. “It hurts like I’m having my period times a million.”

“It’s too early for the baby, no?” Cross asks Doc, who doesn’t look too happy with what he’s hearing. But then again, he never looks particularly happy.

“It’s gonna be fine,” he says in his Southern drawl and I truly hope he’s right, but I can’t stay here right now.

“Where are you going?” Roxie calls after me shrilly, probably sure she’ll never see me again. But she has no reason to be afraid.

“I’m going to find her,” I say. “And then we’ll come back.”

Doc and Cross will take care of her now, she doesn’t need me. But I think Barbie does, though probably not as much as I need her. I can’t just let her go, and it’s pointless trying to. Maybe I don’t deserve her, maybe I’m no good for her, and maybe we’ll have a fight on our hands so we can be together, but damn it, I’m good at fighting. I’ll do everything I can to prevent what happened to my father and his MC from happening again. And I need Barbie by my side.

Whatever comes, we’ll figure it out together. Like she wanted to. There’s no figuring out anything without her anyway. I do love her, she wasn’t wrong about that either. On the whole, it’s mostly me who’s been wrong about a lot of things lately.