Ice

No one knows where Hawk is, and he’s not answering his phone. He’s my only hope of tracking down Barbie. I can’t sit still and I don’t know where else to look.

I’ve been to the Saloon twice already, and most of the clubhouses and bars around here, but she’s nowhere. I almost got into five fights asking around for Barbie and I’m about to go to the Saloon again. This time, if she’s still not there, I just might get into one of those fights. I’ve been avoiding them, because I can’t risk getting incapacitated before I find her. I have to find her. I have to tell her how fucking wrong I was to leave her there last night, and how fucking sorry I am for not seeing that sooner.

I’m starting to understand I might never find her again. And that’ll fucking never sit well with me.

“Hey, Ice, wait up,” Rook yells after me from the front door of Sanctuary, then jogs to the garage where I’m getting on my bike.

“Hawk just checked in,” he says. “He should be back soon.”

I get back off my bike. “What’s soon?”

Rook shrugs and pockets his phone. “He didn’t say. Could be ten minutes, could be an hour.”

I almost get on my bike and drive off to the Saloon, because I have no idea what to do with myself for the next hour.

“Call him back,” I say. “I want to ask him something,”

Rook shrugs, pulls his phone back out and dials. But there’s no answer.

“Hawk checks in when Hawk wants to,” he tells me as he disconnects the call. “It’s his way and we no longer question it. He’s got his quirks, but he always gets the job done.”

Yeah, I noticed that about the guy, and it’s pissing me off something awful right now. If I was president around here, or the Sarge like Rook is, I’d keep a tighter ship, just like my father did. But I won’t say it, because I’m not running shit around here, so it’s not my place to get smart about it.

Rook’s eyeing me like he thinks I got some quirks too, and I hope he stays quiet about it, because I’m in no mood to start discussing that with him.

Just as I think he’s about to say something, I hear the sound of an engine approaching in the distance. We both look over at the driveway, and for the time it took the black truck to pull up, I was really hoping Rook was wrong about that one hour, and that it’s Hawk returning.

Cross and Doc get out of the truck, neither of them looking very pleased.

“Where’s Roxie?” I ask.

Nothing ever shows on Cross’ face, but right now he looks pissed off as hell.

“She’s alright. They’re keeping her overnight but she’s fine and the baby is fine too,” Doc says, eying Cross out the side of his eyes like it’s actually him he’s talking to. “It was a false alarm.”

“Yeah, but how do they know that?” Cross asks.

“They know,” Doc assures him. “And it was best for us to get out of their way. You were making it hard for them to work and agitating her besides. Don’t be so worried, she’s in good hands.”

He finishes that with a little chuckle, which turns Cross’ gaze a few shades darker.

He turns to me. “Did you find the woman?”

I shake my head.

“What woman?” Rook asks. I haven’t told him why I need to speak to Hawk. It was bad enough thinking I’d never see Barbie again all day without talking about it.

“That was a fool move, what you did,” Cross says. “I told you as much. You both should’ve just stayed put with us here. Now Roxie’s sick and worried, I don’t know what the fuck to do with the Bloods and the Kings when they come knocking, and—”

“I said I’ll deal with them,” I interrupt, since it looks like he’s just gonna keep listing all the ways in which I fucked all this up and, again, it’s bad enough just thinking about it.

“Another fool move,” Cross says. “I’d never let you meet them alone, if you were one of us.”

That’s another dumbass decision of mine.

These men have bled for me, they’ve laid their lives on the line so I could get my revenge. They’re as close to brothers as I’ll ever have again, and I owe them my life. Which I’d gladly lay down for any of them to repay them for all they’ve already done for me. Yet I keep fighting that fact too. Why? So I can continue being alone in my head with my dark thoughts that are tearing me apart worse now than they did back when I was still in Lizard’s cell?

“I would like to join your club, if you’ll still have me,” I say and it makes whatever Cross was gearing up to say stick in his throat.

“You’ve all laid down your lives for me, and the only way I can ever hope to repay that is by doing the same for you. Brothers.” The word sticks in my throat, and it does bring a wave of ice cold over my chest, but I think it’s the last one of those. Because now that the word is out there, it fucking feels great.

They all kinda froze when I said it, even Cross, but he nods thoughtfully then extends his hand to me. “Brothers.”

I shake on it and Rook laughs out loud and smacks me on the back. “Fucking finally, man.”

“What kinda bonding moment did I miss?” Tank yells as he strides towards us from the house.

“I asked to join up,” I tell him, which wipes that sarcastic grin right off his face. He even slows down a little bit.

“And I accepted,” Cross adds.

Tank opens his mouth to speak then closes them again, and repeats it a couple of times with no sound coming out. This is the first time since I’ve known him that he hasn’t had a sarcastic comment or two ready to go.

“What, cat got your tongue, Tank?” Rook says, probably noticing the same thing.

Tank just shakes his head and gives me a big old pat on the back. “Nah, I’m just happy you finally came around, Ice. No point being the lone wolf when a whole new pack wants to adopt you, am I right?”

“I see you and Cross spoke about this,” I say, since this is pretty much the same thing as what Cross said to me last night. “But yeah, I was a fool to try and stay away. My old brothers are dead and buried. But a man can have more brothers.”

“Nicely put,” Tank says and gives me another smack on the back. “I’d add that I hope your butchering days are behind you, but then again, to each his own.”

They all look at me sharply as he says it, and I would expect a more striking memory of slicing open a Spawn to come up in my head from his words, but it doesn’t. Maybe the time to close that chapter has finally caught up to me too.

“They’re behind me,” I assure them. And I’d say more, but the sound of bikes approaching wipes it straight from my mind.

Hawk’s back.

“What are you all doing out here?” he asks as he gets off his bike. “Taking a romantic evening stroll together?”

Rook winces, but Tank grins. “Yeah, and you’re not invited, if all you’re gonna do is mock,” he says, since he always has some smartass comment ready to throw.

Hawk grins back. “Alright, that’s enough of trying to be funny. Since you’re all here, I might as well tell you what I found out now. I’ve been to damn near every bar and rest stop from here to too far away, but I tracked those bastards down.”

My heart’s beating so fast it’s about to thump it’s way right out of my chest.

“As for the even better news, one of my informants, a tough old broad named Lucy, just called me, and she’s pretty sure they found that woman of theirs and are heading back to Illinois. So it looks like our problem took care of itself.”

“What else did this Lucy say?” I hear myself ask, but my voice sounds like it’s coming from very far away.

Hawk glances at me then narrows his eyes at Cross, like he’s asking him if he should answer. Cross nods.

“Lucy also said the woman didn’t look too pleased to be there. She’s bruised up and tied up, but docile enough. Lucy doesn’t want to get involved, and asked us not to come there to smash up her place either. But I don’t know, I guess it’s your decision.”

I don’t know if he’s talking to me or Cross, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve already made my decision. My heart’s not beating anymore, and I’m frozen so stiff I shouldn’t be able to move. But I will be. I know this zone, I entered it before every fight, and it only allows one thought into my brain—win. Later, I entered it before killing every Spawn that I could. I’m back in that zone now, and there’s still no room for any other thought. I will win Barbie back.

“Where are they?” I ask.

“This shitty place called the Rusty Bucket just off Route 90,” Hawk says, eyeing me very closely.

I’m on my bike without realizing I’ve moved.

“No, Ice,” Cross says. “We do this together. That’s an order.”

“You want the woman back?” Tank asks, looking from me to Cross and back. “I thought you sent her packing.”

“That was a mistake I made,” I say, practically praying it doesn’t turn out to be the worst one I’ve ever made. Joining the Devils might’ve been a mistake too, if Cross is gonna stop me from going after Barbie now.

“How many guys do they have?” Cross asks Hawk.

“About thirty, she says,” Hawk tells us. “And another thirty kept riding when the ones with the woman stopped. Lucy was real happy about that.”

“Alright, we’ll take fifty and ride,” Cross says.

I expected I’d have to argue to get him to say this, and I still got some of those arguments hammering away in my brain. Now that I’ve called these men brothers, I don’t want them to risk their lives for me that much more. But now that I’ve called them brothers, that kinda logic doesn’t make a whole lotta sense to me anymore either. This is how it is between brothers. They got my back and I got theirs. To the end. It’s the rule that stands above all other rules. And I’ll gladly follow it.

“Thank you,” I say because it’s the only thing that makes sense to say.

“You’re one of us now, Ice,” he replies.

“Alright, let’s go get that lady love of yours back,” Rook says. “I’ve been itching to repay that particular favor to you.”

He’s referring to the time I helped him get his own lady love back in Mexico.

“There’s no need to repay me for anything, but I’d appreciate your help,” I tell him.

It comes out kinda cold, because I’m back in that state in which I never lose. And I hope to Christ this is the last time I’ll have to visit it. Because I’m less than human when I’m in here, I’m an animal that cares about nothing except getting what I’m after. But this will be the most important fight of my life. Because Barbie has to live, and all my brothers need to live, and I’ve got to live too.

* * *

Barbie

We rode all day after they found me on the road. Or more precisely, after I ran right into their nasty paws. Now, we stopped at a seedy restaurant in the middle of nowhere. Brick’s grinning at me from over by the bar like he’s enjoying seeing me tied up and treated like dirt, like the last five years we spent together never happened. Twilight has fallen outside, and I can’t feel my hands anymore. It’s all putting me in an even fouler and blacker mood than I was already in, and just keeps getting worse.

Razor led me inside by the belt still tied around my wrists, which a lot of the guys found real entertaining. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten my ass smacked and my boobs and pussy groped as many times as I did in the short walk from Razor’s bike to this table where he proceeded to tie my hands to the legs of it, grinning that black-toothed smile of his all the while.

I get where Ice was coming from now in a way I couldn’t before, because I’ve never had my freedom taken away completely, never been seen as just a thing, just a piece of property for them to do as they like with. Oh God, I hope Razor doesn’t give me to these hyenas of his for a some gang rape action before we move on from here, but I wouldn’t put it past him. Maybe that’s all my future with him will be—random beatings and the humiliation of letting his men do what they want with me. He didn’t stop the groping, and he’s not stopping the leering and the foul comments now. That’s a pretty bad sign right there. And I hope even more that he doesn’t decide to fuck me before we ride off again. But he’s an old guy, he probably can’t get it up that well anymore. Just like Brick couldn’t.

Fuck Ice for just leaving me at the side of the road! But I get it. Just half a day of this captivity shit, and I’m ready to throw in the towel. I’d never survive six years of it like he did.

“Here’s your dinner,” Razor says, dumping a plate of baked beans and potatoes on the table in front of me, spilling about a third of it.

“How you expect me to eat this?” I snap and show him my tied hands. “Why don’t you just put in on the floor, and I’ll eat it like a dog.”

I should be making nice with him, should be trying to make him fall in love with me. Then he’d untie me, and I could run away. But I hate him so much, I hate them all so much, the only one I want is Ice, and he’s never coming back for me, so I don’t even care what happens now. That’s just some more of my stupid thinking though.

Hanging all my hopes on men got me into this mess I’m in now, and I know that perfectly well, I figured it out while I walked all night. But, damn it, it’s how I feel, and I was never good at fighting my feelings. So, yeah, I don’t care what happens now unless it’s Ice coming in through that door to tell me he’s sorry for leaving me.

And I kinda think that’s gonna happen any moment now, but what actually happens is, I get a stinging, hard backhanded smack across my face. It leaves me with the taste of blood in my mouth and the bells ringing in my head from the last punch getting even louder. But they’re not louder than the shouts and laughter of approval from the other men in here. Brick is grinning at me complacently, and if I had any lingering hopes of getting some compassion from him, I see now how dead wrong I was.

“You wanna eat off the floor?” Razor asks, and hurls the plate at the wall, causing it to snap in half and making the beans and potatoes fly everywhere. “Go eat then, you ungrateful bitch. I don’t even gotta feed you, you know?”

He unties the belt from the table leg and yanks on it, causing me to fall to the floor along with the chair.

“What’s going on here?” a woman asks sharply.

I look up at her, but her head is a long way up and I can hardly see her face. She’s gotta be at least six feet tall, and she’s all formidable looking, but I’m not entirely sure she stepped in to help me. She hardly even glanced at me. Razor’s vicious grin is frozen on his face as he looks up at her too.

“I won’t have this kinda behavior in here,” the woman says. “You can take your business elsewhere.”

The whole place is completely silent now, Razor’s hoarse old man breathing the only sound I can hear.

“Get out of my joint,” she repeats herself. “We like it real nice and peaceful in here, and I’m gonna keep it that way.”

I can see some of the guys stirring and reaching for their guns, but they all know the same thing I know. She wouldn’t be making a stand like this unless she could back it up. And I know Brick and Razor don’t want any trouble. They’re too far away from home, and more than half of their men kept riding when we stopped here.

“Let’s get outta here, Razor,” Brick yells. “The food’s terrible and the service even worse.”

He could always be counted on to be the first one making a cowardly decision.

The lady doesn’t even bat an eye as Razor yanks me to my feet by the belt, the force of his pull breaking skin. I’m sad to find out I was right about her. She didn’t do this to help me, that’s none of her business, she did it for exactly the reason she gave—to keep things nice and peaceful in her joint.

At least the guys aren’t rowdy and gropey as we file out. And at least the threat of getting gang raped isn’t hanging right over my head anymore for the time being. But God damn it, everything is still as black and bleak as it was when we walked in here. Blacker and bleaker even, because we’re about to ride out even further away from where Ice might be looking for me.

Fuck Ice for just leaving me. Fuck me for returning right back to the place I’ve been trying to flee since I found it. Fuck my luck and my life. I’ve always been good at finding the silver lining in everything, but there is none in this, and that’s possibly the scariest of all the things I’m facing right now.