Ice

It’s an hour’s ride to the Saloon where I dropped Barbie off last night, but it feels like fucking days are passing before I reach it. The place looks pretty much deserted, with only a couple of bikes parked out front and no music coming from the inside, since it’s so early in the day, but this is one of those places that are always open. I’m hoping Barbie just spent the night here. I mean, how fast can she find another guy? A fun and pretty girl like her, probably in less than an hour.

Something clicked in my head while Roxie shouted at me to get my life together, even while she was in pain and probably frightened that something was wrong with her baby. It finally drove home the point Barbie’s been making all this time. There’s always loss and hurt in life, there’s no running away from it. And there’s no sense in running away from the best thing that happened to me in the last seven years, maybe ever.

Barbie’s it, and I was such a fucking idiot leaving her here. I hardly remember my reasons right now and I hope she forgives me. She might, it’s only been just over twelve hours. But I better not find her in some other guy’s lap, because he’s not gonna know what hit him. I know full well I left her behind to do just that, but I won’t remember that technicality when I see it. She’s mine.

Inside, a couple of guys are passed out, slumped over their tables, and the only woman here is the waitress. She’s half asleep behind the bar, but perks up when I walk up to her.

“Do you remember the woman who was with me last night?” I ask. I can tell she knows who I am, most bikers and their hangers-on do, since I’m famous as the six-year running Death Match champion. Guys wanna fight me now, and women want to fuck me. I think this one does too, but it’s hard to tell since she can’t open her eyes fully.

“She followed you outside, I thought she left with you,” the waitress says, looking puzzled, but then she grins. “And neither of you paid for the drinks.”

I toss a twenty on the counter. “She didn’t come back in afterwards? Think.”

“I don’t gotta think,” she says, still smiling at me. “I was kinda hoping you’d both come back in.”

She glides her hand over my forearm, but I barely feel it.

“I gotta find her. If she comes in, tell her I was here looking for her,” I say, ignoring her hand on my arm. “You know who I am, right?”

“Yes,” she says and gives me another winning smile. “You’re Iceman the Champion. I hoped to get to know you better last night. But you can stay now, can’t you? She might come back, so why not just wait for her here?”

A couple of months ago, I might’ve found her talking to me like this flattering. I might’ve even taken her in the back and given her what she clearly wants, but now, now the memory of every woman I’ve ever been with before Barbie is faded and boring.

I have to find her, but I have no idea where to begin. For a while, I figured I at least got being the champion to show for my life. But now, even that pales in comparison to the life I could have with Barbie, if I didn’t make such a mess of it last night. I hope it’s not too late to fix it.

“Tell her Ice is looking for her and to stay put if she comes back here,” I say. “I’ll be back later.”

She groans disappointedly, but I’m already halfway to the door.

I hope Barbie didn’t get lost in the woods last night. But she’s a smart woman who’s been on her own for a long time. I fucked up so bad last night and of all my mistakes, this one burns the hottest. I need to find a way to fix it.

After an hour of walking through the woods and calling out her name, I know it’s pointless. Birds are singing, wood is creaking, the wind is rustling the branches, and from time to time I hear a bike roar past on the road. The rest of the time it’s peaceful and serene, and she’s not answering my calls.

I doubt even Hawk can find her for me, she’s the kind of girl who doesn’t leave a huge footprint. Except the one she left on my heart, that one is deep and huge. So Hawk better find her.

* * *

Barbie

I didn’t sleep long, the noon day sun woke me by shining bright and hot right in my eyes. Not the best way to wake up and on top of my eyes watering now, I’m also starving and aching all over from my all-night hike. But my heart still hurts worst of all. And if all that wasn’t uncomfortable enough, what I thought was the ocean at dawn is actually just a huge blue tarp covering something large in the distance. Figures, because that’s just my rotten luck in life.

It doesn’t help knowing that all this is exactly what I should’ve expected either. I’ve had my heart broken more times than I can count, it’s the story of my life, but I just keep giving it away like some damn idiot who never learns. Ice broke it worst of all, because he showed me everything I wanted, held it out for me to take and hold and get used to. And then he snatched it right back and left me on the side of the road like a piece of trash.

Maybe that’s all I am. Maybe I should finally accept it. This world has proven it to me over and over and over again. I’m not meant to be loved.

But I can have fun.

It’s the same conclusion I always come to, and it’s always worked for me, and always helps get me moving. Yet today, my legs feel like they’re stuck in blocks of concrete as I walk back to the road I passed to get to the top of the hill last night. I’ll hitch a ride with the first bikers that pass, just like I’ve always done.

By the time I reach the road, I still don’t think this is a good idea. But Ice doesn’t want me. Even though I know he does. Which still makes no sense, but it is as it is. And where else can I go? The world of bikers is all I know, it’s my home, and if I stay in it, then Ice can find me that much easier when he comes to his senses.

The asphalt has already absorbed enough of the day’s heat to give it off, and I feel very alone as I sit by the side of the road waiting for someone to drive by. No one does. Not for a very long time.

Then I hear the roaring of bikes in the distance and my hearts starts skipping beats, butterflies fluttering in my stomach as my chest fills with excitement of a new adventure on the horizon. And all that’s just because my stupid mind hopes it’s Ice coming back for me.

But it can’t be, I walked for miles last night, he has no idea where to look for me. I’ll just hitch a ride with whoever it is, I’m good at getting rides. I’ll do just like he told me to do. Let’s see how he likes it. He won’t like it one bit, I’m sure of that.

Then I’ll stick around these parts for him to come and find me. I won’t fuck anyone else until he comes back for me. If I can help it, though I might not get a choice, since most guys aren’t like him, aren’t kind and considerate like him. They just take what they want. I wish he wanted me bad enough to just take me forever. But I’m sure it won’t take long for him to come back for me, because I don’t think he can stay away. Not if that kiss and hug last night is anything to go by. And if he doesn’t come back? Well, this life is all I have, no matter how many times it breaks my heart, that’s still true. It’s where I belong.

I step out into the middle of the road once the sound of bikes grows louder, smiling and waving my arms. I’m good at moving on, I’m a pro at it, it’s all I’ve ever done.

The bikes encircle me from all sides and only then stop. One glance at their backs and my heart starts beating to a completely different tune. Fear and terror and just plain old disappointment. I wish I’d just stayed hidden, just stayed lost in the woods forever. Fuck my luck. Or no, scratch that, because I have none anyway.

“Hello, Barbie!” Brick yells out, already getting off his bike. “Fancy meeting you here. What a stroke of luck.”

Yeah, this piece of shit bastard has all the luck, always had. I never could understand how assholes like him could always be so lucky, but here it is. I can’t run away, his crew would stop me, probably violently, so I don’t even try.

“What are you doing out here all alone?” he asks as he stops in front of me.

“I was just taking a walk,” I say and smile at him. But his punch, the one I’ve been anticipating since he took off his helmet, isn’t any gentler despite that effort. I’m on my hands and knees, fighting to stay conscious and hoping he doesn’t have a kick coming my way too.

“You and your walks, Barbie,” he says as he grabs me by the arm and hoists me back to my feet roughly. I’m seeing two of him, where one is already too much, and I’m not even entirely sure my name is Barbie.

“Can I take her now?” Razor’s slimy voice reminds me of everything I’d prefer to forget.

Brick pushes me towards him. “Yeah, she’s all yours. Though I wouldn’t mind teaching her a thing or two about respect, but I’ll leave that to you. Let’s ride. The sooner we get out of these parts, the better.”

“You really are the luckiest man on earth,” Razor tells him as he drags me towards his bike. “We didn’t even have to go through the Devils to get her back.”

Brick laughs his harsh old man laugh and says something, but I don’t even hear it. Yeah, he’s the luckiest son of a bitch alive, and I’m right back where I started this adventure.

But maybe I’ll be able to run away once we get back on the road. At some traffic stop or something, the sooner the better. I’ll just jump off the bike and raise hell until they decide it’s safer to just leave me be.

That chance could be a long time coming though, because Razor has just tied my wrists together with his belt so tight, it’s already cutting off the blood flow to my hands. He fixes the ends of the belt to the rails at the back of the seat.

“That’s just so you don’t fall off and disappear again,” he tells me, and if I could, I’d kick him in the balls just to share some of this pain I’m in. Though I’d probably be in even more pain after that.

I have no idea how I’ll ever get out of this, and that tiny voice of my sadness in my head is already asking me, “Why bother?”

I already found my soul mate, my one true love, the man I’ve been searching for my whole life. And then I lost him. What else is there for me to find?