I found myself struggling to acclimatize to my new surroundings, which was ridiculous considering they weren't exactly new surroundings anymore. I had been with Jordan for more than a month now. It should be more than enough time to settle into a home.

Not for me, it seemed.

I still felt as out of place in Jordan's house as I had the very first day I stepped through the doorway. But then, our marriage hadn't exactly been smooth sailing this past month either.

The settling cracks I had felt in the beginning had turned into a full-blown ridge that mirrored the Grand Canyon. It seemed to be one thing after the next with me and Jordan. We still hadn't slept together, either. I had even taken to sleeping in my underwear in a bid to seduce my husband. Needless to say, it hadn't worked.

Not one time during our intimate kissing sessions had he lost control and had sex with me. I pretended like I understood, but it was a lie.

The truth was, I didn’t understand and couldn’t accept the lack of contact. I knew Jordan was battling his demons, and I was incredibly proud of him for being so strong, but his demons were taking me down, too. I felt unloved and, if I was being really honest with myself, less of a woman. I didn’t turn my husband on. Nothing I did or tried ever came close to tempting him into sleeping with me. God knows I had tried on enough occasions.

A better woman would have the compassion and maturity to handle a man like Jordan, but I wasn’t a better woman. I was human, starved for affection, and desperately lonely.

Kissing and cuddling wasn’t enough for me.

I wanted to be wanted by him.

Maybe that was selfish of me, but the more I tried to repress my feelings and desires, the more resentful I grew. His home was a drug and alcohol-free zone. I respected that. I was proud of him for overcoming the demons that had threatened to take him down. I just… didn’t quite fit here.

I hated myself for the prominent thought I had first thing every morning. The one that told me, "I didn’t sign up for this life…"

But as it happened, I wasn’t just good at telling tales for a living, I was a mighty fine liar in real life, too, and a master at masking my feelings.

For example, whenever Jordan and Annabelle hung out together, I smiled and nodded like I didn’t have a care in the world, or when they needed to work late and asked me to sit Ryder, I agreed and pretended it didn’t rip my heart clean out of my chest or remind me of the family he had belonged to while I was alone.

Or when my dad asked questions about how I doing, I would smile and reassure him with 'Great Dad, couldn’t be better.' And when mom hinted about grandchildren, I had perfected the 'we'll see' or 'you never know' responses.

What a croc of shit.

Mom had a better chance of getting pregnant than me, and Dad had a fricking vasectomy eight years ago.

Jordan wasn’t the only person different now, either.

My mother was, too.

She was quiet and withdrawn these days. She had been this way ever since my revelation about Jordan. I hated it. I wished I had just spoken to Dad and left her out of it. I knew me telling her about Jordan had brought to the surface terrible memories from her own childhood. She had asked me on more than a dozen occasions if she could have my blessing to go and talk to Jordan about it. Every time, I shut it down with a firm no. He couldn’t know that I betrayed him. And sure, my mother was battling with her guilt, but it paled in comparison to what would happen to my relationship if she talked to him. Jordan would talk when he was ready. Not before it.

Meanwhile, Dad never spoke about it again. True to his word, Dad kept it to himself and never brought it back up. He also never brought up the bazillion reasons he had about Jordan being a bad idea for me. He kept his opinions to himself now. It was strange. I wasn’t used to my father being so… not opinionated.

I think the truth affected both of my parents deeply and in different ways. They were both drowning in different versions of guilt. Jordan was their best friend's son. He'd grown up alongside their own children. Knowing that something of this horrific magnitude had happened to one of us rocked their worlds.

I noticed Mom hugged us all a lot more. She was a hugger normally, but the news of Jordan's past had turned her into a helicopter mom, especially around Cash and Casey who were still short enough for her to hover over.

Derek and Dad were having problems, too. Their bromance was on the rocks. I guess Dad was struggling to come to terms with the fact that Derek had never told him. Derek was still under the impression that my father didn’t know anything, while Dad was dealing with knowing and not telling. Overall, it was a horrible situation and I was the one that had put them in it.

Scared to death with the prospect of losing Jordan again, or worse, being the cause of him having a relapse, I slapped a smile on my face every morning and trudged on. Because it had to get easier, right? The first year of marriage was the hardest. We'd been married almost nine years, but I considered us to be in our first year. Eight years of separation didn’t exactly constitute as a happy marriage. No, we just had to get through the next few months. Everything would eventually work itself out. It had to, right?

"Do you want to go out tonight?" I asked. I was sitting up in bed watching him get ready for work. "Teagan and Noah invited us out for drinks."

"I can't tonight," Jordan replied, keeping his back to me as he buttoned up his shirt. "I have to –"

"Work?" I filled in wearily. "Yeah, I know." He always had to work. "But I really want you to get together with them, Jord. They're my best friends." Shrugging, I added, "You making an effort with them is important to me."

"I know," he muttered before swinging around to face me. He looked so beautiful it hurt. He was so handsome. His black curls were trimmed tight and the white shirt he had on emphasized his tanned skin. I wanted to crawl over the mattress and throw my arms around him, but I didn't. The guaranteed prospect of rejection kept me rooted to the bed.

"I'm training a couple of new guys at the Charity so the next few weeks at work are going to be crazy for me," he said in that soft raspy voice of his that I had always loved. "Once everything settles down, we can talk about going out with them." His green eyes burned into mine as he spoke. "Okay?"

I swallowed deeply and nodded. "Okay."

With that, Jordan walked over to my side of the bed and pressed a kiss to my hair. "I love you, Keychain. See you tonight."

When the door closed behind him, I flopped back on the mattress and sighed heavily.

A million different emotions and thoughts coursed through me in this moment, but I clung to the one that gave me hope.

It can only get better…